Ostensibly, everything is great. Since DBT (about three years ago, I think) and some counselling for SA issues Iam, on the surface at least, doing very well. So lets start with the positives:
- I'm just completing my first module of my OU degree
- I've been in a great relationship for about a year and a half. It's going really well, and is a huge achievement for me as someone who could only manage FWB at best.
- I'm managing to go to karate classess. Again, a huge achievment from a social aspect. I could never have gone to a group of any sort prior to DBT)
Of course, theres's quite a lot that I'm struggling with too.
I've been referred back to the hospital because the VIN (pre cancerous cells on the vulva) may have come back. I was supposed to go for a review in September but my symptoms have been bad for a few months now so GP had it brought forward and it's next month instead. I'm scared shitless. There is the physical pain of the biopsy but also the emotional aspect. I've tried to explain it the doctor but she doesn't seem to get it, I get that she looks/prods whatever at 1000's of vulvas but I bet she'd feel different if she was the patient. She never understands why I'm so anxious. Gee, I don't know doctor, maybe because your literally sticking a needle in my f**** and slicing it with a tool? Or because I'm naked from the waist down with everything exposed with a hospital gown that also exposes every scar that I have? Or perhaps because of the history of SA that I've repeatedly explained? It's like talking to a brick wall. So, just deal with it I guess.
There's another aspect to this too. The fact is that this affects my sex life too. I've worked b***** hard to get a 'normal' sex life back and it's like it's being taken away again. People always ask, "Is [my bloke] ok with that?". Yes, he is but I'm not and it's my sex life too.
That's probably the main thing but I've been feeling a sort of mental decline over the past few months. I haven't had any contact with CMHT for months. They can't sort out a prescription never mind any actual help. I find myself resorting to mild forms of self harm but not to the extent that I used to; it mostly results red marks or bruises that last a few days rather than to the extent that requires A&E or b**n units. I just worry about things escalating and feel powerless to stop it. CMHT can't organise a p** up in the pub so they aren't an option. They may attempt to help if I put myself in hospital again, but I don't want to get that severe again.
I'm sick of being autistic too. It's making driving difficult and will likely cost me 1000's because of the difficulties I have that will take a long time to work around. The daily masking is exhausting and just makes me stay at home most of the time; at home I can wrap myeslf in blankets, clap my hands, hide under the bed, rock back and forth etc whereas in public I'm just seen as 'weird'. No one believes that I have autism because I don't look autistic and I also have a boyfriend. Oh, and I'm not Sheldon Cooper or Rainman so clearly can't be autistic...
So, I don't bother telling anyone these days unless its absolutely necessary, like my driving intructor for example.
I'm also frustrated at the lack of support to help get me into work. I've tried many organistations that just signpost me to other organisations. Even the one's who claim to support 'neurodivergent' people are either unhelpful or chronically underfunded. I'm genuinely frightened about the upcoming changes to benefits; I have no choice but to rely on them atm and if I take just any job I'll end up back where i was a few years ago. Don't get wron, I want to go back to work but how about some f*****g support instead of shoving me in to a job that I can't do? Locally, there are no jobs and I'm struggling to drive, and the bus/train service is unreliable and overwhelming for me anyway. It reinforces the beliefs that I've been feeling for a long time; that I'm a burden. Society doesn't want nor care about disabled people, especially when it comes to so-called invisible disabilities like autism or mental health. I frequently think that I should just end things and then I'll no longer be a burden. It's awful to know that society views us this way.
Sorry for the essay, but I have a habit of bottling things up and then letting it all out at once.
