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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Survivor Room => Topic started by: catapult on December 03, 2011, 11:17:23 PM

Title: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 03, 2011, 11:17:23 PM
Im posting in here, as im surviving. An what a way that we survive. The things we do, to survive. If you ask me, we're all survivors, we're all still here arnt we? If youre reading this, youre surviving, an you should be proud of that.

Im currently not doing some things. Its been over a month since i last relapsed, on the cutting, and the drinking, and the od'ing. I did it all in one night, over a month ago. Im still struggling, im still in pain, tonight, my heart is truly breaking with all the loss. But im coping. I dont exactly know how, but i am, arnt i? Coping. What is coping. Getting thru one day after another without hurting myself? Talking about how im feeling and the thoughts inside my head and not bottling them up? Or just living life. Going out of the house. Feeding and washing and dressing myself. Keeping my appointments, paying my bills, answering my phonecalls and doing something that is classed as 'social'. Is that coping?

Am i coping when im dying inside? Am i coping when i sit and break down and cry? Am i coping when this golf ball of anxiety in my throat forces itself out and i cant speak? Am i coping when i try and sooth myself? I stroke my own hair, i rock back and forth, i try and let it out, so im not keeping it in. I keep on, letting it out, more and more and more and it just keeps coming, over and over and over again. It doesnt really stop, just lessens. Like waves.

Im surviving. Im in pain, im a mess, im emotional and i berate myself constantly for things ive done, and things i havnt, for things that were my fault, and things that wernt. But im surviving, and im proud of that.

Its not alot to go on. But its all ive got.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 04, 2011, 03:43:44 PM
Ive just woken up, what the? Ive completley lost a day, its dark already. Im really confused, i feel really odd.  :(
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 04, 2011, 07:34:59 PM
I had a couple of coffees and a bath, woke up a bit. Have eaten, i figure doing some normal things might take this confusion away a bit. Had a rather amusing trip to the shop, they refused to serve me with baccy as i didnt have any id on me an they didnt believe i was over 25! Im 30 in January! Mental note, to look younger, dont wear any makup, and don a wooly hat, knocks years off apparently...

I feel really far away from the world today, like theres only me in it. Strange feeling. Theres been some sort of worldwide disaster and everyones dead, and theres only me left. I feel like im dreaming, maybe i am. Maybe im still in bed an im gonna wake up an itll be Sunday morning. Im zoning in and out, im losing minutes here and there. Watching tv and not remembering what i just saw, not understanding what im watching. Im dissasociating alot. Im not entirely sure why, its quite unnerving. I know its a mental response and the bodys way to save itself from stuff, but its really really strange, as its not conciouss.

Im trying to understand myself, think these things thru without resorting to things that DO make sense to me. I know how various forms of sh work for me, how it feels to do it, how i feel after it, and why i did it. In not using those things my body and my brain is changing to use its own forms of protection to keep me safe. Losing time. I dont feel BAD that its happening, as its not in my control, im not choosing to do it. I just feel a little scared, and very confused.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 06, 2011, 12:55:00 PM
Im truly saddened by the locked post in this room. If you dont agree/having anything constructive to say, then dont say anything. It made me sad  :(

Anyhoo, that might be as im now going cold turkey off Paroxetine. After a fairly confusing coversation with the doctor yesterday, we've decided to stick with my usual meds. Granted ideally, i should be weaning off them, but i couldnt afford another script in order to gradually reduce. So, feeling fairly fragile today, and got what feels like a steaming hangover.Co-ordination is diabolical, an my body feels like its been hit by a car. But thats possibly got something to do with having a 'me vs road' crash yesterday, came off my bike on the ice.

I know its gonna be a rough week, but im cleaning out. No more PRN, no more suppliment meds for anxiety or panic, just one constant AD. At least i know any particularly hard times in the next few days are due to detox.

Just wanted to post, as im running on confusion and feeling quite mentally shakey, and havnt spoken to anyone yet today. Ill let you guys know how the detox goes.

This is another step on my progression. Im still going, this is a good thing right?!

Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 06, 2011, 09:19:17 PM
Okay, so my last paroxetine intake was sunday teatime. Now is tuesday night. Detox: a steeeeaming headache that ive had aaaaall day, really bad, my muscles ache, my skin is unusually sensitive, my co-ordination is terrible, im groggy and it takes alot of effort to move. Basically, i feel crapola. This is really crappy. Its the headache more than anything. It feels the same as having a complete skinful the night before an when you wake up youre brain is so dehydrated it feels like a brick. I have a brick in my head. I have a brick in my head that has a foot on it an is kicking at my temples.

Im trying to decide if its really sad of me to complete this self dialogue. I do enjoy it though, and typing things out in here helps, i can read it back, and it makes my emotions and symptoms factual, and therefore easier for my brick brain to compute. It helps me make sense of what im thinking or feeling. By seeing it in print it whittles everything else away, so im not thinking a million things and trying to figure out which of those is bothering me.

I figure if im using this for the wrong reasons one of the mods will kindly tell me, and this thread shall be locked forthwith.

Till then i shall continue to use it for my self-musings, and a form of therapy.

DAMN MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!! Oh, and my new climbing shoes turned my toes blue. Just sharing.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: BrownBear on December 06, 2011, 10:16:04 PM
Haven't been around here as much as I have been the last few months,  but if it it is any comfort to your brain in its current brick like state I am reading your musings! :-)

For whatever reason I tended to get sweet fa replies to my posts too, but just posting and getting my thoughts out was better than letting them build up. The odd reply from a kind soul never hurt either.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 07, 2011, 01:26:06 PM
Thanks BrownBear  :)

I dont expect replies to these kind of posts, as im not in immediate need of support etc, but i still like to post. An in a way, i need to. Just get it down somewhere.

Not feeling toooo squishy today, yet! I slept for 11 hours last night  :shoc: Wasnt expecting that due to feeling like i was stuck in a tumble dryer with a pair of trainers last night. But it seems twas required! Got up at 11ish and mosied off down to the gym, had a diabolically bad workout. Couldnt get my pace or breathing right whilst running, co-ordination and balance completley fubar, and the sweat! Propa maftin! This, is DEFINITLEY the detox from meds, or thats my excuse for it anyway  :whistler: Not a pretty lady this morning. But its all part of my die hard personality. Youre in a gym! Stop talking and WORK!! Im such a drag.

Anyhoo, off to see the holy one soon (my councellor), which always gets my nerves a runnin, shes like a pitbull with a bone, once shes gotten a bite on you does she hellas let go of it. So its never what id class as fun, but serves an important purpose in my recovery. Which (dare i say it?) is progressing. (Let not the laws of the self fulfilling prophecy that is i take hold and make me faulter, amen).

Musings complete for the momento. Heres hoping i remain stable for the rest of the day.

Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 08, 2011, 12:03:11 PM
Oh my world, do i feel crappy today. Today has been the first day in a couple of weeks that ive woken up thinking 'whats the point'. I had set my alarm for 7 to get up an go to the gym, needless to say i switched it off an stayed where i was. Havnt slept, the house next door is being renovated so lots of noise, just laid stinking in my pit like a pissed off rattlesnake whos had their rattle nicked in the night. An my gym buddy txt me, she didnt go either, her sister fell down the stairs this morning & is in hospital. Nothing broken thank god, just feels like shes gone 10 rounds with mike tyson.

Day 4 of detox off paroxetine, cold turkey. Current symptoms, lethargy, low mood, heavy head, bad thoughts popping up, negativity & pessimism. Or maybe thats just me. During last nights agitated state i thought id give my poor feet a pedi. Lets just say its painful. I seemed to be in the mindset that next to no toenails was a good idea. I shall now spend the day with my toes covered in sudocreme. What a brainstorm that one was.

Will have to excercise in the hoose today, am not going out for anything. Am gonna have to be kind to myself to get thru this. My mood is dipping by the minute. It doesnt help that im so broke at this time of year. Whenever i make a coffee and get the milk from the fridge im reminded that theres nothing else in there other than some flora and a few energy drinks. Not good. But lets not dwell on that. I could do with having less food to binge on anyway.

Gonna get a bath, im sure ill be back once ive thought of more things to moan about. My glass is half empty today.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: findingmyway on December 08, 2011, 03:25:31 PM
:hug1:

Sometimes hiding at home and having some tlc is just what we need to get us through a rough patch :hug1:

Did the bath help you feel any better??

Keep talking hun x
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 08, 2011, 04:23:54 PM
Okay, so ive done something possibly insane. Ive messaged my Mam, my brother, and my sister. Anyone who knows my older posts knows that we dont talk. Thru the gossipwagon that is a popular social networking site, i came across a conversation about me, started by my ex husband. People whom have never met or known me commenting on my fictional doings. That obviously hurt, but what got me more than that, was my mam posted and stuck up for me. That honestly took me by surprise. So, i took the fear by the horns, and messaged her, saying thanks, for sticking up for me. An ive also messaged my brother & sister apoligising for hurting/upsetting them over the last 18 months via my arguments/behaviour. I explained i was scared, and felt that nobody was on my side, ive been pretty much out of control and understood why they chose to do what they did. I wished them all well, and hoped they have a lovely christmas.

So, ive apoligised. I now feel very vunerable, incase of negative repercussions from doing so. But if ive done the wrong thing by taking responsibility for acting like a knobhead at times, then so be it.

Lets hope this turns out okay. I not the awful person that gossip makes me out to be. Ive just been very very hurt, scared, lonely, and have coped in damaging ways that have upset and hurt the ones i love. I hope this is a good step. If nothing comes of it then at least i did something good.

Heres hoping.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 08, 2011, 09:20:07 PM
Something just dawned on me. Ive spent so long hating my ex, and my divorce, and all the crap that goes along with it, its been beyond my understanding why anyone i know, especially my family, would want to talk to him. Maybe im going about this all wrong. Trying to cut him out of my life, completley, and everything he represents, hasnt worked. He constantly comes back into my life in some way shape or form like a bad penny. An i think i just realised that its always going to be that way. I cant erase 10 years of my life can i? Now im not saying im going to embrace any contact, im still extremely bitter about the whole thing, maybe that will never change. But if ignoring him and refusing to aknowledge him or anything he does, hasnt worked, ill have to try something else wont i.

Still havnt had a reply from any of my family. Maybe itll take days, or maybe i wont hear from them at all. I dont know. I just hope its not awful if i do.

Shutting up now. Brain in overload.

Am hoping tomorrows going to be a better day.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 09, 2011, 01:34:38 PM
Face on the floor. I could sweep stuff up with this pet lip. Im a propa sulk today. Have been to they gym, cycling running and swimming, then i steamed myself then dry roasted. Still no happy hormones. So instead of getting a gym buzz, im just knackered an smell like chlorine. Attractive.

Im wondering wether im torturing myself with opening my world to potential hurt and pain. Via family. Do i stay closed off forever and let the gossip riegn? Or do i stick my size 8's in an start to stand my ground? I dont think its wrong that i care what people say about me, especially if it wrong. It makes me sad, and i dont always see a point in correcting mindless chit chat that is born of fiction. Lord, if i actually WAS that person they say i am i think somebody would have shot me by now, for the good of mankind. Truth is ive admitted my mistakes, taken resposibility for my actions, and that seems to upset people? They think it makes me self important, a drama queen. I think i might be ready to stand up for myself. I think ive been punished enough now.

Somethings changed. I still dont know where my life is going, i certainly dont know what it holds for me or what im doing with it. But im doing it. An i think that in doing, it, that i have to stop hiding from what i know is going to hurt. Im going to have to let it hurt, and ride it out till it stops hurting. Without being cruel to myself and doing it on purpose. If that makes ANY sense at all!!!

I think its time to stop running. Face life and all its glorious trauma. Let not me be abused, or abuse myself. No more. Do it right, or dont do it at all. I hope this heartache lessens, its not fun. Think thats all for now. YAWN.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: BrownBear on December 09, 2011, 09:55:34 PM
I am not sure if you were after some input or not, but I think it is a good idea trying to recontact your family but you must, must, must not take it to heart if they are still not interested in having contact with you. It takes a very long time for people to change especially if they don't see why they must change and from what I gather because they feel like they can blame you for everything they may be reluctant to respond to your olive branch.

I know it must be difficult to do but you must go in with the "their loss" mindset.  If they want contact with you again then brilliant but if they don't it really is their loss, you certainly should not let it knock you back mentally.

People will always talk, that is just the nature of the creatures we are. Unfortunately you cannot guarantee that we will always say nice things about each other!  Again I know it is difficult,  but try to ignore what is said about you on places like Facebook. It is a breeding ground for hurtful comments from bitter people,  but they are just words.

I have said it before but I am still convinced that you need to carry out distancing yourself from your ex, the relationship and all of the associated baggage . You've still got plenty of life to live,  don't live the rest of it in the shadow of a dodgy relationship.

All the best.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 10, 2011, 06:17:24 PM
Thanks Brownbear, i agree with everything you said. That relationship and everything that goes along with it ruins me. An im feeling it.

I felt okay this morning, pepped up to go climbing an try and persevere with the new climbing shoes which are crippling painful. Anyway, as i was leaving there was one of those red cards from the postie in my letterbox, i didnt hear him knock, its a recorded delivery packet an the only thing i think it can be is my decree absolute (final decree of divorce). The financial side of things will be going on for a long long time yet but this makes me legally divorced in name. I cant get it from the PO till Monday now so i cant be certain, but there isnt anything else it could be. So that started me spinning. My mood dropped considerably and its just been drop drop droping all day.

Climbing was absolute crap, didnt get anything done, an im worried ive wasted loaned money on shoes that will never break in. My gas bill came in, and the units have since shot up since i gave them a read so now im scared to put the heating on as i cant afford the bill in the first place.  Christmas coming is literally killing me. Everyones talking about buying, and gifts and what theyre doing and where theyre going and its makes me physically ill. Im literally SCRAPING BY, counting pennies to buy bread so i can eat. It didnt help that the guy i was climbing with today (ex boyfreind, yes, i have already managed to fit in a full start, middle and end of a relationship after leaving my husband) was blah blah blahing about xmas and what hes spent on whom an that hes wangled himself into the climbing club an theyre all off on a climbing trip 2moro an it only cost him yada yada yada, he only started GOING there to f*****g follow me. I cant stand the guy he boils my p**. Rubbing his money in my face when he KNOWS im flat broke. And! Asking completley inapropriate questions about things like my meds? I mean, wtf?

SO! I feel, utterly AWFUL. Anxiety is thru the gaddam roof, panic rising and simmering with every breath i take. This is it. This is the 30 days of hell. Xmas, then new year, then my 30th birthday. All together.

Oh, and i upset the noob  :( I sent a really shitty text to them earlier and for no apparent reason. Theyre now mad at me  :'( Im such a dickhead sometimes.

Moan over. I wish, i wish life was easier.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 11, 2011, 01:17:25 PM
I managed to sort things out with the noob last night. They were really supportive and accepted my apoligy. Which was great. When everything else was whittled away its family and christmas thats getting me down. Which in turn makes mostly minor things seem too difficult to deal with.

Am heavily depressed today. Have been doing housework as a distraction from the the things in my life that are an immediate worry. I spend 20 minutes sitting on my bathroom floor tending to my chilli plant. I asked it nicely to make it thru winter, and cleaned its leaves, ive been neglecting it, and i know how that feels, so i thought id try make it feel a little better.

I think am gonna cut some more of my hair off. I assume this is still classed as sh, but it makes me feel better. Which reminds me, my next councelling session, the holy one wants us to 'go thru' why i periodically randomly cut bits of my hair off. Todays hair abuse is  more of a controlled tidy up from my last hair tantrum. Im still distracting arnt i? Had ideas last night to get a dog, and quit my job, but again, just distractions.

What am i distracting from? Apart from the obvious, depression, im completley flat broke. Which is really really depressing, expecially at this time of year. Im fast running out of food. My lec ran out this morning so im on emergency, ive got 3 days to get thru b4 i get paid again, and i havnt a penny to my name. So when i do get paid, its all accounted for anyway. Being broke really gets me down. Tho i guess itll help me lose a few lbs.

So, i shall leave and let the hair abuse commence, before i find more crap stuff to talk crap about. Am really down  :( Wish it would all just be okay.
Title: Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
Post by: catapult on December 11, 2011, 07:30:36 PM
I flushed all my (secretly stocked) PRN weeks ago. Ive got 1, temazepam. I should have taken it earlier. Ive managed to shave most of my hair off. I despise the way i look, i pick fault with every part of me. Now i have a buzz cut and almost look as hideous on the outside as i feel on the inside.

I go into a fugelike state when i do that. Before i know it hours have passed, an i only realise as my back is stiff and sore from being sat on the floor hunkered over a small mirror for so long. So, im a natural blonde. Which is now evident on the back and sides of my head,but with black hair  on top, which is the last hair dye i used. Im now safe in the knowledge shaving my head was a bad idea. It just went too far, started as a tidy up, a snip here, a snip there, then out come the clippers.   :( Have really done it this time.

Maybe im not any better. Maybe im still in the same pit ive always been in. My distress is still blatantly physically obvious thanks to todays antics. So no bloods been shed, and yeah i know hair grows back so maybe its less harmful, but it still leaves me in a desolate wasteground after ive done it.

I dont think im surviving well anymore, so this can be locked now. Thanks. lock please