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Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*

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I cant remember exactly when the first time I sh'd was b :13886:ut I remember that it was just before when my little sister was rushed into hospital with a kidney problem called HSP. It was around about christmas and we were putting up the tree but em (my sister) couldn't help because she'd recently gotten a virus that attacked her immune system leaving her in so much pain that she couldn't stand up for long because of the pain; this was the day I first hurt myself. I thought that I'd caused her to be ill -a few years before we were fighting in the car and she fell out of the door (it wasn't moving, don't worry) and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks having tests done and nothing was discovered so she was sent home- and so I started scratching my thighs. This went on for a few months until we found out that she had gotten HSP- this was caused by the virus that attacked her immune system by making her kidneys work too hard so that they tired themselves out and made her ill.

A few years later, when I was in year 8, there was a boy the year above me and we started talking and started meeting up and eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. After a few weeks he started acting strange and trying to push me into things. At this point I was really close to my cousin who was 4 years older and I knew that she'd gone further than just kissing her boyfriend so I thought it would be okay and did the same thing with my boyfriend. At this point I was only 12, I thought I was in love and didn't think that it was wrong. It went on for another week and then like kids do, I dumped him. This was when all of the rumours started to fly around and school found out and told my parents. Like most parents would be, they were angry with me and I thought that they hated me. This was the second time I started self harming and I gave myself a bad friction b**n on my hand, using a coin. I did this twice and I still have the scars as vivid as ever, nearly 3 years later. If anyone asks I say that they're burns from an oven.

The next time that I self harmed was when I started to get bullied by a girl who was older than me and scary and I let her get to me. After this I hurt my self on and off for several other reasons that I don't want to go into detail about.

The last time I sh's was when I was doing really badly at school and my parents were upset with me. I thought I was letting them down and on top of that I was having a really bad time with my best friend, he had recently moved to america and we were drifting away after years of being inseparable. I started using a tool. He moved back and we aren't as close as before but I know that I can always talk to him even though he never knew that I hurt myself.

I haven't hurt myself since but I think I've found ways of copping on my own through art and performing arts. If anyone ever needs help please message me, i don't want anyone to suffer anymore.  :1027:   :1059:   :1017:   :tiny doggie:

I've come back to the forum after a long time away because I've recently began to feel bad again. I hope not to SH this time- it's been about a year since I last did.

So I really don't know why I first SH but I do know what led up to the point when I did.

I used to work a very stressful job where I would witness people die and suffer the most atrocious, life changing injuries. I was quite senior in my position and so I took on a lot of responsibility. You know, sometimes people don't realise how long they're running on empty until they've nothing left. I was crying at work, not sleeping and drinking heavily. A senior colleague told me to go to the GP and as I described my physical symptoms and was asked how long this had been going on, it slowly dawned on me that I'd been like this for 5 months- not the few weeks I'd thought.
AD did nothing and my colleague gently told me that I needed to go off work sick- I wasn't safe.
Things just got worse- I wasn't eating, sleeping, washing, or even taking care of my kids. I had to stop driving as I couldn't trust myself.  I don't remember much of this time...... My friends and colleagues were with me all day and most nights as they've since told me they thought 'I'd gone' and maybe I had.
I don't remember the first time I did it but I do remember one time after a friend had just left in the early hours being in the kitchen with a tool slashing at myself, the dog watching me with pity on her face. It was the blood I wanted and it just was something I could do to distract myself from my suicidal thoughts. It became my coping mechanism and if I felt myself slipping, I'd be crying as I sharpened that tool knowing I was about to mutilate myself.

This forum, my psychiatrist, friends, family and some pills got me through all that. I'm glad I found this place because if I feel myself slipping I can come here and know that others have been at the same place.

Okay, I'm pretty new here and I'm not quite sure how it all works so I'll post this guy in just in case   :trig:

I'm also a little nervous  :blushing:  AND there's a hell of a lot to say so please excuse the essay coming your way.

I'm 22 and have been self harming for about.. 6 years now when I was 16.

To be honest, I'm not totally sure why I actually started but I know that due to a domino effect of things going on in my life at that point, I carried on. It was during this time that my granddad got very ill and shortly after passed away. He lived abroad and for 3 months, my dad and uncle travelled back and forth to visit him and spend the last days with him. He eventually passed and a week before my 15th birthday my mum and I flew out for his funeral. I did not have to go but I have two younger siblings and small cousins and felt that I should go for all of us. Anyway, it was beautiful and we flew back and I tried to celebrate my birthday. My friends and boyfriend made a huge effort but there was just a hole. I went back to school a day after and this is where it started i guess.

I was doing my GCSE's at the time, and like anyone, I wanted to do well.. I've never been particularly academic, I never really struggled with the work, I just got bored really easily and gave up listening to the teachers after about 20 minutes. I also had 'personality clashes' with some of the teachers at my school. The real issue was that they did not like me, I had a real problem with an art teacher who used to hold up my work and tell the class that I hadn't worked hard enough on it, (when we did our homework she always said she wanted quality over quantity, so naturally I spent a hefty amount of time working hard on a smaller, more detailed piece rather than a large piece of not very good work). She would then take my work out of my book and rip it up, again in front of the class. Obviously, that caused some issues between me and her, and instead of her explaining what I was doing wrong, she left me to keep doing it wrong.
She also believed that I was a disruption within the class and sat me on my own and anyone who spoke to me was told off, if I said anything to anyone else, I had an automatic hours detention. Even if it was quiet chatting to my friends or asking to borrow pens/pencils/paints - anything. Whilst I had been away I had misplaced my art book, I explained to my art teacher it was probably at home and I would bring it to the next art lesson and she huffed and puffed and shouted that just because I had had a family issue, that was no reason to forget my art book. She then wandered around each classroom and announced to the classes that my grandad had passed and that I had lost my art book, if anyone should find it - place it in her office. It was embarrassing and I felt so sick because of it.

I keep side tracking (sorry!) This carried on for the remainder of my GCSE's - and I fell behind on other subjects too, the teachers having to have meetings with my parents and I got moved around sets because of my concentration. It was around this time that I stopped eating, I don't know why I did, I loved food - my family have roots in India and Italy, two cultures where big family meals are a huge deal. I just physically couldn't eat. Everything had no taste and it was an effort to force myself to eat something - I used to either throw it away or give it to my boyfriend. My mum started to notice and phoned the school and I was under watch by the dinnerladies every lunch time. It was horrible - the school then referred me to a dietary nurse who I had to have meetings with, who encouraged us to eat in healthy ways. They then put me on a programme because I was having issues with the teachers which they thought was my fault.

This is when I started self- harming. Things were just going from bad to worse and they got so much worse -  :trig:

I now not only felt horrible because I wasn't doing well at school, and my family was disappearing at an alarming rate, but now I had huge body issues and hated the way I looked, I've never been slim, but I wasn't big either - I never really used to mind my weight, but something happened inside me and I hated myself. I was fed up of constantly being hurt, that I started to cut deeper, and anywhere on my body that wouldn't be seen by my friends/family/ sisters/ teachers - my thigh was a particular favourite. Then one day my mum found out from somewhere - I still have no idea how - that I had been cutting myself. I came home from school and she made me strip down to my underwear and show her what I had done. She cried more than I've ever seen her cry and she told me how sad she was that I had done it. That was my turning point. I said to myself I wouldn't do it again.

I lasted a few months and went off to college - a fresh start - new people, new place and it was amazing. Then my other grandad passed away a year after my other grandad and my grandad's partner a month after that. My gran passed away the year after and my Nonna the year after that. It just seemed.. never-ending, I hated everything, lost interest in things I loved and stopped eating once again. I didn't want to go to university as I did not feel good enough to go, but my college teachers encouraged me to apply, I applied and got offers from all my choices. At last, I felt like things were looking up - I secured a place at university and studied there for the past 3 years - with a truck load of ups and downs but my boyfriend (at a different university) supported me through everything.

 :trig: I have recently felt, that things are turning sour again. I frequently have bad days, but it's not just a bad day, it's like a huge monster is constantly on my back - just dragging me down. Like I'm not allowed to be happy. I hadn't harmed for a good 8 months, but yeah.. recently it's just getting too much. I cut myself a few days ago because I feel like I'm a let down. I could explain but it would take up more of everyone's time ha. My boyfriend, who's stuck by me for the last 8 years is starting to struggle with my need to cut/ starve/ harm myself. I used to talk to him about it because he would always make me feel better, but rightly so, it's getting on his nerves and he doesn't understand why I do it.

That's why I joined this site. He said something the other night which has fuelled me to stop. And i really want to.. I just don't know if I can. I now hate going on holiday or anything like that because of the scars on my legs and hips, I managed to get my other scars tattooed over with a Marilyn Monroe quote because they were not that deep. I just want to be okay.

Thank you for listening everyone, I hope I haven't bored you with it.

So I am 37 years old and a father of 1 tremendous 7 year old boy and I have a loving Fiancee too.

A few years ago, maybe when I was 20, I self harmed for the first time and I only did it the once. I remember it well but don't remember why I actually did it. We move on 17 years and the summer this year I self harmed again but the reason for this was because my family was away on holiday and I was worried they would be killed in a plane crash. That is something that is way out of my control. That was August this year and then nothing.......until now.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into a depressive state of mind where I felt really down and that I couldn't be bothered with anything. I mean I do shift work so would go to bed early, but I was in bed at 1930 everyday simply because I had no get up and go. I have stopped Karate and also photography too. I was annoyed, stressed and highly agitated ALL the time and now this week, I have had a couple of panic/anxiety episodes on the way to work and also at work. This week, my mind is messed up and I have resorted to self harm. Why, well the reason is because it is the only thing I feel in control over and when I do it, my mind is focused and free at the same time, It is a release. Now that I have done it, my agitations seems to dissipate along with my annoyance (it's still there but not as much). It now seems to have gotten that bit addictive and I am sure within the next few days, my Fiancee will find out and ask questions and that scares me something chronic. I mean what will she say? Will she be angry? Will she be sad or disappointed? I have no idea what the reaction will be. I know she knows I am in a depressive state but she doesn't really know how to help and I don't blame her for that. I have never felt this down, even when I was a Prison Officer and I had therapy for anger and stress. I saw first hand the issues of self harm and never thought I would be one who is crying out for help. How things change. I was once looking after victims and now I am one.

I am worried that the self harm is a downward spiral which I won't be able to get out of. If you look at the internet, there is plenty of help for people below 25 but over that and certainly over 30 and people who are self harming parents, there seems to be little or no support available which is frightening. Gone are the days of the stereotypical self harmer.

I have a GP appointment next week (Wednesday) so that is one of the first steps. "A journey of a 100 miles begins with a first step". I don't know what to say to the GP or even what support they can offer. I know every case is taken on merit and is different but all of this scares me. On the outside I appear fine but inwards, I am scared and don't have massive confidence in my abilities.

So that is my story, plain and simple. For those who read this, I thank you very much. I feel all your pain.

:trig: SH, SUI

I think I started Self-harming when I was around 9, as I said before. I really can't remember now since I'm in my mid 20s and it's just been so long, and I've been doing it on and off. It's always been as a form of punishment, though. The main reason for this is that, now looking back, my mother did physically and verbally abuse myself and my siblings, but once the 2nd child came, a lot less of it was toward me, so I felt that I needed to keep myself in check if things were going to be fair. Our house has been notoriously a loud and rather off-putting one due to how much screaming there is. I've never been a fan of it, but I'll be the last to say that abuse was anyone's intention at all. Things have gotten better since. For a long while, I thought that maybe it was a good idea to commit suicide at some point because, hey, all the kids in the neighborhood seemed to want me to anyway, and why not make them happy? The main reason why I still live is that the same voice telling me to harm myself gives a reminder that doing so would be an easy way out, and I wouldn't be living up to responsibility. I've also learned over the years that I like living, so both of those keep me going.

Over the years, it started off very simply, but like a constantly upgrading machine, I found more and more creative ways to do it. I'll get back to that later. The reasons for it always changed too, from guilt of hurting someone emotionally on accident, to letting people toy with me too much, to grades (they've about never been good, especially at the start of all this), to sometimes out of generally feeling that I'm worthless and therefore need punishment.

I've found 2 ways that this comes on.
1 - I can feel it coming like an oncoming train. Sometimes I can get rid of it before it arrives.
2 - There's this short, very short moment where I feel the imbalance in my head go wild. It happens between the incident itself, and my self-harm, whichever way it manifests.

I can't really pinpoint any patterns on what circumstances lead to either, though. What is a pattern though is what happens after. It seems all the emotions that I try to suppress (sadness, hope - strangely, mostly sadness though) come at me like a typhoon and I end up in tears within minutes.

I said I'd come back to the multiple ways that this manifested. Well, in the middle of a particularly rough patch, and nearly killed myself with a glass milk jug. My sister (number 2 mentioned previously) thankfully called emergency and it turned out that night that the majority of the injuries were on my hands and not head, and I got stitches in both of them.

I went to therapy for about a couple months after that, doing CBT. That helped me gain a more positive voice to drown out the one plaguing me for so many years. I also stopped loathing myself (I think I'm... okay. Not that great, but okay-ish). And for 2 or so years, that seemed to do the trick.

Until one time I managed to get the car stuck at the grocery store, upon which I had a flash of self-harm. Since then, it's been a somewhat gradual, but also exponentially faster spiral into more dangerous territory. A couple weeks ago, I'm sure I sprained my thumb harming it. I hadn't even noticed I hit there, where my focus was on a couple seemingly larger spots.

The thing here is that every time I start self-harming again, it comes back stronger. And the voice I developed in CBT has been crumbling, with the more rather negative voice coming back with "I don't care" with every rebuttal I give it. I've gotten again to the point where there's no actual reason for the self-harm as punishment, but it seems that in that moment, it's needed anyway. I'm terrified that what happened on the night with the milk jug will happen again, but far, far worse. Because I didn't even realize I might have died then until after getting stitches, I'm almost certain if it does happen again, that it'll be through a harder form that does kill me quicker.

I have a fiance right now, and for the month at least, I'll stick with him. He's very good to me, too good really. I have a lot of thoughts where I don't deserve something, but he truly is someone I don't.

So that's why I'm here. I'll probably edit this post here later because there's still more to add, but those are the details for now.


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