Author Topic: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*  (Read 104236 times)

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #60 on: November 09, 2009, 11:48:10 PM »
This is the third time I've posted on this thread!  ::)

I did not self harm during my childhood. It was only when I hit 13 that the trouble started. I had been bullied in school between the ages of 10 until 12. Which is pretty common. What really started the trouble was not the bullying itself, but my attitude to the bullying. I blamed myself 100% for the bullying. I told myself that I deserved it because I was so stupid and weird. The more I told myself that I was stupid and weird, the more my personality and confidence got eroded away. The only friend I had, died when I was 12 which didn't help. Eventually, by the age of 13, all this self-criticism had taken its toll. I'd lost most my social skills - I found it difficult to make eye contact or speak to people, I was very nervous and I was pulling my hair out until I had a bald patch on my head and I also had developed an eating disorder. I managed all the way thro' school, just struggled on, keeping quiet and keeping my head down and keeping out of everyone's way. It wasn't until I was 27 years old that things just blew up in my face. For the first time in my life, I felt suicidal. It was a combination of things - my brother had cancer, I was not coping at work and was at risk of losing my job and I was out of a relationship with a man who I had dearly loved. Those 3 things just were too much to bear all at the same time. I blamed myself 100% for everything, I told myself that I was a nuisance and that everyone would be better off it I was dead. I tried to kill myself that year and it was after that suicide attempt that I started to self harm. There was no purpose to the self harming, it was more that I was feeling very confused and didn't know how to change things for the better. I then wasted 3 years of my life in and out of the psychiatric hospital for this, that and the other before I saw sense and just stopped blaming myself for everything and just got on with living my life.


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #61 on: November 10, 2009, 03:31:48 AM »
I guess if you ever met me, you;d think am happy-go-lucky, a bit kooky, a dork and a bit weird. And to be honest, that is exactly what I'm like. I don't mind, if anything am quite happy with being described as that. You'd never guess that I SI.

My first time, I don't really remember, but it was around the age of 14.  Growing up was hard for me. My parents acted as though I didn't really matter always doting over my younger sister. If I ever did anything, she always did it better, even though she never. I couldn't do anything right by them and this was drummed into me. I got 8 GCSE's at grade C and above  and all I can hear is my father saying "You could have done better," and my mum nodding saying I was disgrace. I remember my sister going completely off the rails and all she got was a slap on the wrists I got caught truanting from school, once, and I was grounded for a month, amongst other things. The mental abuse continued all through my teen years until I managed to break away when I was 18 and went to University. But when you're young, you take everything to heart your parents say

During those teenage years I guess I sank further and further into what I best describe as a cocoon. Believing more and more that I was nothing short of a loser. I kept up with school work only as it was one less thing to get moaned at about Never telling anyone how I felt and keeping myself to myself even at school. I had a few friends but none that I would call close friends. That's how it started. Angry at myself for being this pathetic loser who couldn't do anything right believing I was quite literally nothing.  Having no outlet to vent those feelings, desperate to feel something. Little cuts at first, then progressing. People did see the scars and with not saying anything about them it just reinforced everything that I thought about myself.

It was while I was at University I met a girl who I got on with, was into the same things as me This girl has since become my best friend, my closest friend.  When she noticed the scars, she sat me down and let me talk, she didn't push or criticise just listened.  She helped me to get a therapist or 3 as the first 2 didn't really deal with it that well and the third helped a bit, giving me all the different way I could re focus all that anger towards myself that I felt towards the true culprits. I thought I had mananged to put it all behind me and at last start to live. Yeah, right!

Just after finishing Uni I met a girl who I fell madly in love with. Not to long after we started to live together she started to act the same as my parents had. Belittling me, saying how useless I was when I was holding down a full time job and looking after the house. I gave her everything I could, yet it was never ever enough for her. I even gave up a good job, just so we could get a house rather than live in a flat.  The vicious circle completed again. I doubt I'll ever know if she noticed. Then she left me for another guy. That was it everything just went into a nose dive. I just thought whats the point. My friend caught me just in time.

That was 5 years ago. I'm 35 now and I still SI, the last time was 4 weeks ago. Bad day at work.  I guess it's something I have to learn to live with and to try to control the best I can. I have a good thrapist. Everyday is a struggle to resist but I feel like am getting there at last, a little late, and I'm gaining control of my life. I am now with with my friend, as in bf/gf, and she just lets me talk if I have to, encourages me to if I can't. and if am a little stressed and don't want to talk she just makes me a coffee and cuddles up as close as she can. Her way of reminding of something. I am not alone.

Offline LeftBehind

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #62 on: November 17, 2009, 10:14:53 PM »
Helloo :] I'm Tee & I'm 14.

The first time I ever remember selfharming was actually a full year ago, last november. I remember it like it was yesterday..
I had my cousin who is my age and my then best-friend over. My mother had left to have a date with some guy and told me to do jobs/chores while she was gone [hoover, mop & wash dishes]. My phone kept ringing and it was her but everytime I answered I heard nothing.. In the end I sent her a simple text saying 'Can you stop ringing me please? x'. About 20 mins later she came home and shouted at me, telling me how it was her money that paid for the phone and how she could ring me if she liked [and went on to tell me something was wrong with her phone thats why she kept ringing, it wasnt actually her and how she had told me to ignore the calls.] and  ended slapping me a few times.. At the time I was really shocked.. I only asked her to stop because I didn't know if it was serious or not and I didn't want to ignore it and get into trouble.. After she left back out I ran to my room and started crying and crying so hard.. and I balled my fist up, curled my other hand around the balled up first and dug my nails into the back of my hand. And thats how it started. I suppose I've always found ways of hurting myself [punching things and suchlike] when my mother used to upset & hit me but this is how it really started.. The pain peircing my skin with my nails brought was beautiful.. and I craved more.. Everytime she shouted at me.. Or called me a name.. Or upset me in anyway.. I'd go back to it.. The first time I actually cut I do believe was some time in this year Janurary.
In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete: drawn only to be washed away.
For the time that I've been given, I am what I am.


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #63 on: December 08, 2009, 10:50:28 PM »

Having read some of other people's stories in this thread, it is quite comforting to know that I'm not alone.  Hugs to everyone :hug2:

I can't remember exactly the first time I SH.  I think I vaguely remember when I was about 10, whenever I got annoyed I would hold onto a hot radiator for as long as possible, but it never left a mark, and like it say it was only a vague memory so I think I think I was about 12 when I really started to SH.  I was getting bullied at school, nothing too major but enough to completely knock my confidence.  I used to be a very happy child, but when I went to secondary school I was one of the brighter kids in my class, but not a genius by any means.  I used to be called a boff (a term I hated at the time), people would chuck my school books around and people would laugh if I got a question wrong in class etc.  Like I say, nothing major but when it happens everyday it can definately affect you, especially when you are just about to hit your teens.  That I could cope with though, as much as it upset me, because I had a group of good friends.  But when my friends started to bully me it really started to affect.  People who I was best friends with deserted me for someone else and would leave me out.  Again, this sounds so petty now but it hurt at the time.  They would tease me, again saying I was boring, lazy etc.  They said they didn't want to walk home from school with me.  I tried to tell them how much it hurt me but they literally laughed in my face and told me to stop being such a drama queen.  Then I think the final nail in the coffin was when I confided in a friend how upset I was at their behaviour and she completely twisted my words and told the people I was refering to about it.  Since that point I have struggled to talk about feelings and I learnt to put on a mask.
It wasn't only the bullying which made me start to SH.  I felt as though I had to succeed...I am sure a lot of that was imagined but nevertheless.  As I was the good girl of the family and the one predicted As etc I felt I had to constantly live up to the those standards.  I have always been a bit of a perfectionist which makes it worse.  Like, if I am hand writing something and I make a mistake, I rip out the page and start again.
I can't really remember the order of events, but it was around that time that I started to SH.  It was my way of expressing how I was feeling.  Seeing as I couldn't talk to anyone, I could externalise my thoughts as such.  This continued for a couple of years and no one ever found out.  There were other bullying incidents at school and my confidence was at an all time low.  When I look back now I think I had depression.  I had stopped for a while but I then found out a couple of my friends had been self-harming, which triggered me again.  I spoke to them...ironically they were the same people who had caused me to start in the first place.  As much as I hate to use the word cause - I no longer blame them, they were young and didn't know what they were doing and we are actually very good friends now, although they still don't know the real reason why I self-harmed.  During this 'second-bout' my mum found out.  That moment still haunts me.  We both cried a lot, but I lied and told her it had just been the one time.  We never talked about it again, apart from one time we had an arguement and she said 'God knows what you are going to go and do to yourself now.'  Which massively upset me.  After my mum found out I was too scared to SH, I did it a couple of times in hidden areas but I didn't want to disappoint her or worse for everyone to find out and I would be sent to see someone.
I was fine for a while.  I guess I was still in a low place but coping ok.
Then when I went to Uni, I had a case of unrequited love. Sounds ridiculously soppy, but it was killing me inside, even worse that he liked my best mate.  That triggered me again and fell into deep depression, worse than before.  Again, I would put on a mask cos I was an expert at that by this point, but I didn't want to see anyone, couldn't be bothered to do anything.  Then I had the stress of hiding cuts.  I told 2 uni friends (Neither of whom I am friends with now, so I can't talk to them).  They were both supportive but I felt like such a burden on them.
Since then, it hasn't been as bad but every now and then I get the urge.  Especially if I have been drinking or if I am feeling under a lot of pressure.  The thing is I want to talk to someone but I don't know how to.

wow...that was theraputic...apologies for rambling.


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #64 on: December 18, 2009, 12:36:23 PM »
incase  :trig:

im 18, started self harmin in small ways when i was 12, like pullin hair, scratchin cuz was bullied and my dad was abusive then when i was 13 i was raped by someone i knew, i then cut after that wanted him out, since then cutiin feels like a realise and only thing i cud control was self harming. i self harmed up untill around 18, then i realised i was addicted 2 it and i was no longer in control so want to try and stop, i got support of ppl around me, every time i wanted 2 i wud suuround myself with people so i didnt, often had strong urges and gave in to it once but i stopped self harming for 8 months and  i was starting to see glipse of hope, however a few weeks ago everything fallin apart in my life so again i turned 2 sh as got no one for support anymore and i need the realise


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #65 on: December 28, 2009, 08:28:24 PM »
Hi i got through alot this year (not that i expect next year to be diffrent) but im proud i got through it as well as i did, i wont go into all the details as ive posted alot before. but ive been engaged, had my partners phyciatrist lied to by friends so her meds where stopped till she left and we now have to meet in secret (well until she got sectioned from ODing an for bolimea.... now its much harder) i went through sme very scary voilent situations in spain, and the basic end result of all this was me being diagnosed as bipolar (i also get alot of flashbacks) i have very heavy parinoia now too which strains my relationship atm...last time i SH  was yesterdy but it was the first time in a while and it was over smthing that never actually happened and it was just me worrying over nothing. hopefully by new year ill be in a home for a while to sort things out. i know dosent sound that great a situation but trust me compared to before im doing very well...oh and any1 on here suffering with biolar ive found i can SOMTIMES force myself into a up state from a own state with constant fast music...of course dosent always work an when it does once music stops so does up mood (frankly im at the stage of being addicted to great high moments) the only other thing that works for me is calling my partner, seeing as shes in a home atm what ive done  is record her voice when we talk so i can play it back when im low...i only mention this as i assume some of you may have simlar situations.


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #66 on: January 20, 2010, 08:04:20 PM »
I first self harmed by cutting when I was 16 and at school. I was pretty much badly bullied all of my education life mainly because of my "aperance"? they'd rip my hair out, throw food at me, call me skeleton (because I was a slim kid and had scoliosis), gorilla, monkey, and this was pretty much mainly  because I had a "UNIBROW" was the main thing they used to call me actually. So yeah I was miserable. One morning I was woken up my mum as usual and every single day dreaded stepping out of that door and going to that horrendous school. By this time I was seeing a psychiatrist because of the voices and OCD. On a spur of the moment idea thing I saw a tool and wondered for a second. Didn't think closed the door and took a small swipe at my skin. Nothing came up. Not even a scratch. "Alyssa, you're late we're leaving" mum souts. *maybe self harm isn't my "thing"* I thought and sliped the tool into my large blazer pockets without a second thought. We had Science double period that morning. Was laughing and joking with the girls. Just as normal but something started to itch. My wrist, and by this time I'd for a split second forgot about my this morning's "thought" and took a scratch at my wrist which I thought was being irritated by my jumper. Took a look and a scratch was there, a little blood because I had scratched it a bit too. And from that moment when I'd realised that it "worked" I thought, hmm sort of thing. Went to the girls bathroom and that's when my self harm realy started and kicked in, it felt so damn good and it was something to focus on other than the poo that went on at school. It only took 2 days for everyone like my mum and sisters to find out and I had to go to A&E was admitted to a general ward at my local hospital for the night until I could see my psychiatrist... That's how it all started really and carried on. So yeah... meh!

Stay safe peeps, love Lyssie xx

 :icon_arrow: edited for name of tool
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 01:41:06 PM by Alison »

Offline lonelysoul

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #67 on: January 23, 2010, 02:40:57 AM »
im 19 now and i started sh when i was about 13. it started when my mum died. i was really close to her and i have one big question i still have that i wanted to ask her. it began with self harm on my wrist. they were not really noticeable. my dad started to drink and was unable to look afrer me or my siblings so when i was 14 we were taken into care. i was by myself. i became really lonely. my foster parents started to put pressure on me to do well in my exans and i became stressed. i started to get blamed fro everything even things that did not involve me and my foster mum repeteadly told me that she would be happyer if i was dead. she also told me that i would never get into college that i could never get a job that i would proberly end up in prison. this makes me sound like a total rebbel but i am not. i am really quiet so none of this made sence to me. at this time my sh had calmed down but when i said i would do some babysting fro my foster mums brother things got really bad. he started to abuse my. i was really scared this went on fro almost 2 years. i was thrown out of my house when my forster mum found out (she read my diary and also mocked me for saying that i missed my oun mum) and i pressed charges agains her brother but it was dismissed.

i moved again and this is when things starded to get worse for me. my new forstter mum was nice at first but she banned me feom seeing my sisters because she had falled out with their foster mum. i spoke to my social worker but she did nothing and this went on fro about 8 months. it hurt me not to see them i missed them. i las so lonely. this is when i began to cut myself deeply. i fainted a couple of times on my bedroom floor but never went to a and e. i was spiraling out of controll. i was getting behind and i was thinking suicudal thorts so mutch, i did not want to be alive any more and 2 years ago i took an overdose in college. within 2 days i had taken a large OD of pills but i felt fime. i could not even kill myself right. then one day i had had enough and walked out of my lesson. i needed to get it off my chest and i told my college tutor everything that was going. the od the sh and she he;ped me a lot she was there if i needed someone to talk to. she even phoned me in the summer to see if i was ok. from then thinhgs got a bit better. after failing my frist exam attempt i was given an assessment that showed that i was dyslexic. the college was surprised that i was not diagnesd when i was yunger. i got more suppott from college and i passed my exam and my college coses.

i mooved again when i was 18 into a supotted house. i live with another lady who is very nice and is helping me a lot. although i am happy i still cut regulaly and small things can bring back bad memores. i have social anxity disorder which means i find it hard to interact with people especialy face to face or on the pnine. (i went for an assessment for autism and they told me that if i had autism i have grown to adapt to my surroungings and nolonger fit the criteria so he told me i have social anxities) which means i have no friends and i feel lonely a lot of the time.

i have got a job now and i work with adults with learning difficulties and i enjoy it but the other day one of my collegues whent missing and i was really worried and i am worried her behaviou is triggering mine. i have been really withdrawn at work this week)

so there you go, not that intresing but it is good to get of my chest

 :icon_arrow: edited for names of tools/amounts
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 01:39:32 PM by Alison »
Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy(Girl,Interrupted)

Last SH 10/07/10
Last OD 21/05/10

Offline happy girl

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #68 on: January 23, 2010, 02:47:11 AM »
I feel really humbled by your stories, hope your all ok  xx
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger....

Offline kirsty

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #69 on: January 29, 2010, 05:16:39 PM »
 have read other people's stories and thought that i would share mine. Its a bit muddled but here goes...
I started sh when i was 14 (am 24 now) after my parents split up. It started one day after a big row with my siter over something really small, but it felt like something that would help. I only used to sh once or twice a month, wheni found things really difficult, but it quicky got worse and i ended up dong it most days and usally ending up in hospital or at docs. After it got noticedat school, i got sent to the coucellor, who then referred me to YC (young people's centre) where i saw a psychiatrist ad was put on meds, which i stayed on for 5 years.When i turned 18, i got referred to the adult mh centre, and found real help with a therapist there. Aftr seeing him for 3 years, i finally saw a future without sh. I had not sh for about a year and a half until a few days ago,when i felt overwhelmed with everything. I really dont want to go back to the way i was, as i have a great job and a lovey fiancee and family. I just wanted to share my story as it is possible to live without sh, most of the time for the past year and half i had not even thought about it.