Author Topic: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*  (Read 104238 times)

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Offline jandj

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #50 on: June 06, 2009, 06:55:58 PM »
 :trig: :trig:
I was not even 8 when my oldest brother 'shagged' me as he called it. I thought it was a special kind of hug and as no-one had ever hugged me before I like it and am ashamed of that even now. When I reached 11 I realised what was happening and was worried I'd get pregnant so I told my mum. Her response was to tell me not to make a fuss and that all girls got molested by their brothers and if I got pregnant I could live at home with her. When she died in January this year I subsequently discovered from a letter she left me that she was sexually abused by her brother and to her it was indeed normal. The abuse continued and at secondary school I was very conscious as to how wrong it was. I had several psychosomatic illnesses and mum threatened never to love me or talk to me again if I ever talked about my brother. She told me how bad it would reflect on me if I told people. My teens are a total blank of unhappiness and the abuse continued until my brother left home.
The escape route was university and I thought I was saved but then the self harming, suicide attempts, smashing things up went absolutely wild. After being in court and police trouble and dam near killing myself several times including a 2week stay on a drip in the general, I was hospitalised under the mental health act - still my mum had a hold and I didn't tell anyone then about the abuse. She told me it was shameful and I was weak and stupid as it was history and water under the bridge and I should just get on with life and she hadn't brought me up to smash things up and get arrested.
As a result of probation and medical supervision, I self harmed in secret and dressed wounds in secret and took overdoses by the bucketful and never told anyone so was quite surprised to be alive when the brain power got a degree regardless of me.
Then several years of job hopping and moving to try and escape from myself before another round of very destructive behaviour landed me back in hospital. I'd had enough of life and had resolved that by 40 I would be dead or talk about what was really bothering me. I went the being dead route but when among medics again this time I did talk to them about the abuse and my family disowned me for bringing such shame on them and it took a while for the tirades from my mum especially to die down.
Self harming then out in the open again and that was the start of talking to medics openly rather than as the enemy to be wary of in case they lock you away. Still very very hard but it is liberating to be able to talk to people about what happened. Still feel guily and shame and hate myself  - not helped by talking to the police and being told they wouldn't even interview my brother. I guess I am incensed he is wandering around consequence free but I am beginning to believe the 7 year old wasn't at fault.
I don't mind the BPD diagnosis as I can read about it and people do get better and some real inspirations on this site. I am responsive to talking talking talking but still find it very hard to initiate and there are things I still need to sort with the therapist but the mere fact I can post this here speaks volumes.
Sorry to ramble on.

Tasssshhh_x

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #51 on: June 12, 2009, 04:49:53 PM »
 :trig:

Im 16 now and i cant really remember the age that i first self harmed, but i imagine i was probably about 10. Tbh, i cant even remember why i did it but i think it was due to a family argument. I really didnt get on with my mom and stepdad, we argued every day - morning and night, and i felt like they hated me. To begin with, after an argument i would just scratch my stomach with my nails - nothing major, and i didnt really think much of it when i was younger as i didnt really know the meaning of self harm, i just knew that scratching my stomach made me feel better.

After years of arguing and running away, i moved in with my dad and his girlfriend. I felt so much happier and i put on Y stone within the first 3 months of moving in. I guess that me being underweight was due to the stress and unhappiness of living at home with my mom and stepdad.
It didnt take long before something upset me again and i began to self harm again. Silly things would set it off, such as arguments with friends or family, and i know i havent had a terrible life and you probably think im selfish for hurting myself over silly things but i only did it because it made me feel a hell of a lot better when id done it. I continued with the scratching and soon turned to other things to hurt myself with.

After a few months of living with my dad, his girlfriend started to be really nasty to me - telling me she didnt want me there and that she never wanted me there but she just went a long with it. She used to make me believe that i was trying to make her and my dad split up cuz apparantly i wanted him all to myself. She would always be trying to get me into trouble with my dad, for example me and her would be sitting in the lounge watching tv perfectly normal and the second my dad came home from work she would start screaming at me pretending id done something wrong to try and get me in trouble with my dad.

After about a year they split up because my dad caught her being nasty to me and he had had enough of it. I was happy for a while and stopped self harming. But over the last 8 months ive been doing it again. I really dont know why i do it, but i usually do it after an argument with my boyfriend. He knows i do it and he says im doing it for the attention but im really not, it makes me feel better at the time. Obviously i dont feel better about it afterwards because i have to hide my body incase someone sees it. I just get so angry sometimes and thats when i do it when im angry not when im sad, because it feels like im taking my anger out on myself and if i didnt take it out on myself i would end up hurting someone else. Feeling the pain on the outside feels like im stopping all the pain on the inside, if that makes any sense?

I really want to stop cutting myself now because me and my boyfriend are going on holiday this year and i wont be able to wear shorts because of the cuts all over my body. I really have ruined my body and as much as i hate myself for it, i know il do it again next time i get angry.

I really need to stop because one day im going to end up cutting too deep and then il be in trouble. I dont want to kill myself although i do think i want to die alot of the time but i know i havent got the guts to go all the way. I really want to stop.


 :hlpp:

(sorry for such a long story, hope i havent bored u too much lol)

 :icon_arrow: method removed
« Last Edit: July 05, 2009, 07:14:58 PM by Gerard »

Offline elfimarie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #52 on: July 15, 2009, 05:30:10 AM »
I still get nervous and anxious talking about this, like I shouldn't be, so here it is, short, sweet and to the point. I'm Elfi, I've been cutting since I was 13, so for 4 1/2 years now, and I honestly have no idea if I'll ever stop.
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Offline Rutter

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #53 on: August 15, 2009, 10:10:08 PM »
 :trig: :trig:

i first sh when i was 13... i was sa by a stranger, he held a tool to my stomach and cut me, i found the pain of picking the cut made me feel better so i would often scratch myself a few months later my granddad died... after this i started cutting myself... i suffered with flashbacks, nightmares and paranoia and the bullying at school gradually got worse and i would cut myself more and more and i started to take pills and drink anything that i could get my hands on... eventually one of my friends told my form tutor that i sh and he got the school mentor to talk to me... i told her about the sa (she said that everything i told her would be kept a secret but did not tell me about the child protection thing) so she had to tell my mom... this made me cut my wrists and try to kill myself but i just passed out from the pills... after that the sh stopped for a while but i came out as bi-sexual the bullying got unbearable and at one point i was punched by a girl in my school... i did not sh much for about half a year until things with my girlfriend started to go down hill and we were on off for a while... recently the sh is at an all time high... doing it multiple times a day and do not sleep well... i still suffer with flashbacks, nightmares and paranoia and hoping that one day it will all be ok but i am currently on my own because the only person i can talk to (my girlfriend) has gone away and i feel so isolated...
« Last Edit: August 20, 2009, 08:02:27 PM by Gerard »
I die a little inside every time you see me like this...

Offline kazza05

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #54 on: August 19, 2009, 01:09:53 PM »
 :trig:

i started sh when i was about 10, my parents thought nothing of it. i sh'ed because i got bullied very badly, i had rocks thrown at me when i walked home, pushed down stairs at school, had my head smashed into a brick wall nearly everyday. i tryed telling teachers but they did nothing but make the situation worse. i started cutting to get rid of anger (i have ADD). i told ma mum about the bulling and the SH but she did nothing. when i got to senior school the bulling got worse, i was pushed down flights of stairs after every lesson. i started to skip lessons because i had things thrown at me during lessons. i ended up in big trouble at school and was in fights every day.

the bulling got to much for me and i tryed to top myself. unfortunatly im that fat that i didnt take enough pills so i woke up the next day. i started cutting even more, deeper and more often. i then tryed 2 hang maself but ma mum walked in on me. she told me to stop being stupid. my own mum didnt believe me.

i gave up on life and everything i enjoyed doing. i stopped goin to school and hung around up town all day getting into trouble, i didnt go home when i was meant to and i stayed out past curfew every night.

i ran away from home nearly everyday and still my mum and dad just said i was attention seeking.

i still SH n im 16 now. i see a counsillar now and im on anti-depressents. i now make myself sick everyday atleast 3 times a day. i only eat 1 meal a day if ive been good, and i still cut. i cant stand my life and regually try to OD, im very close to being sectioned for 'my own safety' i cant stand anything any more. i dont see the point of life anymore.

my mates n counsillar are tryin 2 tell me i hav an eating problem but i dont. its not a problem its a solution. i cant hav an eating problem cause im so fat. ive got enough fat on me to last me years of not eating. ive shrunk ma stomach to the stage where if i even eat a few grapes i end up in agony. i dont care tho. im losing weight.

sorry 4 rambling
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Offline Sophie-marie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #55 on: August 23, 2009, 03:57:32 PM »
 :help: hi I'm Sophie-marie I'm 12 and i have a problem self harming! i find it difficult to talk to people! some of my family don't know about it! but unfortunately my mum does!  :doh:

my child life hasn't been great my sooo called farther blew it with mum when i was 6!
he was so cruel he wouldn't let us out of the house! except when ever she went work! she met someone at work who she began to like i guess she used him as an escape route from my dad! she broke up with dad then lived with this guy!?!?!?
he was great the 1st year but time changed when him and mum brought a house together and proposed! shortly after he told her he was seeing the Blondie from over the road! from then on everything flipped!!!! :trig:  :help:
Sophie-Marie.. Better By Far You Should Forget And Smile Than Remember And Be Sad For The Wall's We Build Around Us That Don't Just Keep Out The Sadness But Also Keep Out The Joy Too... x S-M x

denial_priest

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #56 on: September 12, 2009, 12:49:30 PM »
I dont know why. I get this choking feeling as if i don't have enough air, like im empty inside and I do it then.. Im really happy though (kind of) becasue i havnt in ages. There was a time a few days ago when I got so scared of loosing everything but i didnt and now i know how strong i can be it gives me hope and faith for the future. I feel that I have expierienced the things life will throw at me and even though I know il have to suffer them again and maybe worse I feel like I have my survival through these last few years to lean on. 

I have survived and though its been close I know that means something. I remember the little face of the person I love and I couldn't make them cry.

Zezeri

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #57 on: September 14, 2009, 10:17:51 PM »
 :trig: I'm not sure about this but here it goes.

i started when i was 11. i just started high school and i hadn't done well in my exams, it sounds so stupid now, but i thought that my mum was disappointed in me. It hurt seeing that in her eyes. I blamed myself, I'm stupid and thick and not worth it. That night i took a tool and cut my arm. i felt better seeing the blood, it didn't hurt as much i thought it would. i just felt better, released. after that whenever it got too much i did the same thing. i would get incredibly irritable, the slightest thing would throw me. i would carve into myself.
Now i  realise that it was around the time of exams. i suffer from severe anxiety and I'm prone to panic attacks.

A major trigger for me has always been my father. he has never been around, he's in the armed forces. when he came home he was grumpy and i couldn't do anything right. i couldn't express emotion or my opinion. my mum works long hours constantly at the hospital. i felt and still feel lonely and isolated. academically i flourished in high school, socially i shrank. i had little friends that stuck by me. when i was 13 i started going out with a guy, it started out okay but he pressured me into advancing it. He made me sleep with him two months into it and then didn't leave my side at school. i lost all but 2 friends. every week he would make me pleasure him. i finally managed to end it when i was just started year 11. by then i was addicted to the relief i got from cutting. i was getting very sick but i didn't really know that at that time. the Christmas of year 11 came and everything came to a head. my head of year found out about my SH and was trying to help me, he told my parents and they took it badly. they accused me of being selfish and stupid. i was also diagnosed with diabetes. i was scared and angry. it may sound odd but i felt violated. i still do now- everyone asks me my blood glucose and it bugs me. i was good though i didn't cut.

i was cut free until recently. my parents have never really been happy. about a month ago they started yelling at eachother. i shouldn't have listened but i did. what i heard hurt me more than i care to admit. they blame me. they have said it to my face and behind my back that it was when i was diagnosed that things started to go bad, and it was them finding out about my SH that just made it worse. my dad is angry at me for not sending him emails and letters when hes at sea. i annoy my mum all the time. if i ask for something for college, she says i don't need it because it doesn't matter. she yells and screams at me when i have a panic attack and my dads worse.

i have tried so hard but i just can't stop it. in the past month i have SH 3 times. it is this that has lead me here.
if someone could help me, want to talk with me or something. share experiences etc. i would be grateful.
sorry it's so long
xx

 :icon_arrow: edit for name of tool
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 01:46:27 PM by Alison »

Offline millie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #58 on: September 18, 2009, 09:35:58 PM »
 :trig:

I'm not entirely sure when I started SH... I know that I developed trichotillomania (hair-pulling) around the age of 7, I think because people used to say this thing about if an eylash falls out, you can make a wish on it and blow it away.  I was so scared as a kid, my mum has major MH problems, and has been in and out of psych units, and used to OD alot, and was always shouting and screaming at me and the rest of the family, and I was so scared, and I just wanted everything to be normal, so I started pulling out my eyelashes, in clumps, so I could make wish after wish that things woiuld get better.  I still do it, though not as bad as I used to, I just wish my eyebrows were less patchy (I moved onto them and then my fringe as I literally ran out of eyelashes).  I'm lucky really, they do grow back when I let them, and I only really pull now when I'm really stressed, or drunk.

I'm not sure when I started doing other stuff.  I can remember hitting myself with stuff when I lived at my parents old house, which we left when I was 12, I used to hide in the garage when mum was in a rage, and get so frustrated and angry and couldn't think what to do, so I'd hurt myself to give me something else to focus on.

I think I was probably around 14/15 when I first cut myself, only scratches at first, but more as I got older and stuff got worse at home.  Eventually I tried to take an overdose, when I was about 16/17, it was around Christmas, I'd had a massive fight with my mum and I'd just had enough, I couldn't see any way out.  Fortunately, my cousin walked in as I was doing it.  I don't think she ever realised what she interrupted, but I stopped and went and did something else, and got rid of all the stuff I'd got together later on, which I was proud of myself for doing, I still felt rubbish, but I guess she showed me I could still have fun (we were having a family party).

I saw an educational psychologist when I was in year 7 of secondart school, so around 11/12, and we had several family therapy sessions, and I still feel resentful that nobody picked up on how completely messed up I was.  Still, I managed to get to uni, and things got worse at home, but I was living away by now so I was kind of out of it, though I used to get horrendous phone calls from mum.  She was really bad towards the end of my second year, and I went and spoke to my personal supervisor at uni, she was a life-saver, literally, she was the first person to pick up that I was completely at the end of my tether and very close to seriously harming myself, though I never admitted my own SH to her.  She got me an emergency appointment with a counsellor at uni, and I then had weekly sessions with her until I finished uni.  During my fourth year, when my mum was taking significant OD's every week, ending up almost everytime on ICU on a ventilator, or on HDU or the cardiac unit (she took some scary stuff) my supervisor came to the rescue again and got another lecturer she knew, who was a mental health nurse and trained psychotherapist, to see me the same day I went and pretty much cracked up in her room.  He, the MH guy, was great, he got me through my final year, I would've dropped out without him seeing me at least once a week, and sometimes two or three, and he gave me his mobile number, so I always had someone to turn to.  Might not sound very healthy, but I think he saw in me alot of himself, from things he told me towards the end.

I graduated, started working, bumbled along, all the time from being in uni, I'd been hurting myself, but only intermittently, and usually only near exams, which were a stress too far really.  Work was OK, and I kept going, until I moved to a different department.  The occupational health suggested I have some therapy, which they'd refer me for, but I was too scared, until my boss placed me for a month working with people who SH, which I just couldn't cope with.  The people all wanted to talk to me and it messed my head totally, I can do it when I'm strong enough, and in control, like on here, but at work, I was just expected to listen to all this stuff and not be affected by it. Occ health went mad when I told them, and banned me from ever working in that particular place again (though I could stay in my proper job) and I agreed to therapy, which was absolutely the best thing I ever did.  I really struggled to start with, going over so much old stuff, and current stuff, and I hurt myself more than I ever had up til then, but eventually it got better, apart from a blip when I was assaulted by a colleague whilst at work and got absolutely no support from them whatsoever.  I hurt myself at that time the most ever, but my therapist got me through it.  I finished almost exactly a year ago at therapy, and haven't really looked back.  I still have trichotillomania, but it's much better than it was, and I am getting stronger all the time, and I still cut, but, again, only occassionally, and only a small amount when I do, which I'm really proud of.  I saw my therpist a few weeks ago for a one off appointment, as I was struggling with my mother again, but that one session really helped, and I know I can go back any time I need to, which helps because then I know I always have a safety net to fall onto, if that makes sense?

Anyway, I'll stop waffling now.  I have to say, I feel so liberated for writing all this, even if it never gets read, it feels like I've taken some stuff off my chest (have a new job starting in a month and been a bit stressed!!)

Millie  xxx

black_wing1987

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #59 on: September 19, 2009, 08:30:19 PM »
My story began back when I was 14, I am 21 now and finally ready to face everything. :trig:

First time I ever harmed was after school one day, now I was always the odd one out, never really fitting in. After so many years of being bullied by everyone else, and feeling alone and isolated at home. As the youngest of 3 with a demanding older brother and an eldest brother not being around so much, and the other either playing my parents off one another or spending his spare time beating me up because he thought thats what he was supposed to do.

So to cut a long story short, I was subject to allsorts of physical and mental abuse which went on for many years, then was subject to six weeks of SA, at the hands of one of the school bullies, not to mention my first "boyfriend" at 14. That day, I took the first thing i could get, locked myself away and systematicly cut myself.

This happened frequently until I was 16 and my next partner (who I was with for 5 years) and he had emotionally blackmailed me, telling me that he was going to abandon me if I did hurt myself. Finding other, more subtle ways to harm, I got through that when it became abusive too. Finally breaking free last October.

I soon started having regressions. Rather than being safe in my own bed, I was back there, in all those situations. Then the other day, when things finally got on top of me, I cut myself deeply and severely, not intending to harm myself, but just to get out of all the pain again.

After a trip to hospital and stitches, I got reffered on to the psych team and now I'm scared of what may happen again.

Sorry if this has upset anyone in any way

Wendy