Hi,
I am really struggling to lose weight. Of all the destructive things I have done to my body, my eating has ended up being the worst and hardest thing to manage. Growing up I don't think I would eat loads but I was never skinny, always more muscular/curvy. I then got to a 10 year phase where I took drugs/ meds, drank, self harmed, played a lot of sports and had a lot of sex and generally put my life at risk, and all that kept my body in pretty good shape (which sounds f*****g ridiculous and shameful to read back). Now, however, I have stopped everything on that list except for the sports and I've replaced all of the bad habits with eating. It feels really shitty knowing that I have spent all this time finding ways to stop hurting myself so badly, only to destroy myself with food. It's like I kicked the majority of my destructive habits and then replaced them with an insatiable appetite! And right now I see no way of being able to stop it.
I am 'meal prepping' my breakfasts and lunches, but then I eat dinner and I want snacks and I want more of everything and sometimes it's overwhelming. It's not just at night that I have this problem, I literally feel hungry all the time, I think about food all the time. I worry about having enough food to eat during the day and sometimes will carry a bunch of extra food with me 'just in case'. I used to carry around my self-harm tools for that reason, and now it is this bad habit instead. The more focus I put on losing weight and eating healthily, the more I want to self-harm and/or binge eat. It triggers off my super critical destructive thoughts and in order to shut them down I end up eating something instead.
I know my eating issues are linked to sexual abuse, to issues with my parents, and to self image and identity... I know all of these things are big issues and I have been for therapy about them etc, but my eating still feels like such a huge problem that I have zero resources for. I really want to stop eating and to lose weight so that I can finally feel what it is like to exist in my sober, non self-harming, non abused body for once in my life. I do not want to get any older and still be this way. The idea of a healthy body feels like such a far off concept that I don't know how I will get there, but I feel desperate to get there. At the same time I know that I am hugely scared to lose the weight, to stop relying on food, because I feel that once I lose the weight I will want to, or feel triggered to, go back to wanting to have sex and I know that sex/feeling sexy/attractive is super triggering for me etc etc etc and it makes me want to self harm and drink/take drugs/escape... so I am fully aware that I self-sabotage on a regular basis, but I also can't stay as I am anymore. I wish I didn't have to eat to survive, because then I would be able to just stop eating and I could do that, the biggest problem is that I have to eat to stay alive, meaning I have to have food in my life, and I can't control myself around it enough. I feel so stuck!!!!!
Has anyone else managed to make the change from over eating to healthy eating, despite the self-critical shitty feelings and fear of change and all that? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to help get me past the 'couple weeks of good eating and exercise' and into a way of being that means I can tolerate seeing my body change and not feel like I am going to die because I don't have all the safety of food around me. I literally feel petrified about this all. To me it feels like it would be 100% easier to self harm and f*** myself up than it would be to have a healthy relationship with food. What has been successful for anyone? What has worked for you? I feel like I need someone literally walking around w me 24/7 managing what I eat and drink and keeping me from going off track... I don't know how I can do it by myself... I feel so lost with this, any thoughts? has anyone had any professional support with over eating? I don't think I can do it by myself, I am pathetic.
Any advice or thoughts welcome. xx