Author Topic: Tough times  (Read 467 times)

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Offline Skye

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2019, 05:30:56 PM »
Iím sure youíre a whole lot lovelier to be around than you realise. Your perception of yourself affects what you see/ believe.
Therapy is tough. But important and it will make a difference - Rob told me  :wink: and he is a wise one  :icon_mrgreen:

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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2019, 07:32:35 PM »
Thank you both xx

Therapy is so hard. She told me that these first couple of weeks are the hardest, but even knowing that doesnít make it feel any better. I am keeping safe, which I guess is a massive plus, but the thoughts and feelings that are coming up are so hard to cope with. I know I am coping, but god, itís agony sometimes.

Iím so full of extremes inside my head. Massively polar opposites in terms of thoughts and wants. I want to quit therapy and I want to see her every day. I want to be completely alone, and I want to be in company. I want to die, and I want to live... I know I need to settle for some kind of middle ground, itís just so so hard.

I love Adam so much. It hurts every day that he didnít choose me. I love when he is kind to me, and caring, but that also just adds to the hurt that he chose someone else. I swing between wanting to leave my job because I wonít have to be with him 5 days a week, and wanting to front it out because I genuinely do like my job.

I have things in my mind that I should do to make positive changes, but every time I contemplate starting any of them my mind goes straight to ďwhatís the pointĒ and I give up before I even start.

I hate that Iím wasting my life on worrying and sadness. Life is so short. I really want to make the most of every day, but all this mental rubbish is stopping me and I hate it. I donít want to be on my deathbed and regret wasting so much time on sadness and self doubt...
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Online Tucan

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2019, 04:55:58 PM »
 :hug1: sorry I haven't bread all of your posts. I am thinking of you though.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2019, 10:10:51 PM »
This is becoming beyond what Iím able to tolerate. I feel like Iím inching ever nearer to doing something destructive and dangerous. The effort Iím having to put into ignoring and not acting on self destructive thoughts is wearing me out. I want to run far far away.

Itís only been two months since we watched my niece die. I swore to myself I would never put my family through having to watch me die or having to plan my funeral because of a death I had deliberately caused. I donít know that I can keep to that though. Itís hard. Life is too b***** hard. My head is an absolute mess. I cannot keep sitting with these thoughts. Itís unbearable. I hurt all the time.

These last few days Iíve tried so so hard to not show my unhappiness but I cannot keep it up. Iím grumpy and miserable and pessimistic because I hate myself so much, my own brain wants to kill me and Iím absolutely exhausted of fighting with myself every waking second of every day.
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Offline Terri

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #14 on: August 20, 2019, 11:47:12 PM »
Do you think you could so with some more MH support at the moment, just whilst you're doing the hardest bit of therapy. I wonder if something would be available to you, if you were to ask? :hug2:
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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #15 on: August 25, 2019, 10:00:41 AM »
I also think that some extra support would help you right now.
I hope you can stick with therapy, it'll help in the long term. :hug1: :hug2:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2019, 07:54:27 PM »
Been trying to formulate a post for a while now, but something keeps stopping me from finding the words.

I had a very good start to this week. I was so bubbly and full of energy at the beginning of the week. My colleagues couldnít believe how bouncy and helpful I was being. I got so much done at work on Tuesday. The whole week has been much better than things have been for a while, although as the week has gone on Iíve got more & more tired and it is impacting on my mood a bit. Hopefully will get enough rest over this weekend to perk myself up again.

Didnít have therapy this week. Psychologist was away. I was supposed to see my support worker, but my appointment was cancelled (I think she was off sick but the receptionist who called didnít really say). I keep panicking that the therapy isnít going to help. Iím panicking that time is running out. I signed an 8 session therapy contract and Iíve already had 2. She said that 8 weeks is the initial agreement and then it is reviewed and they decide if more sessions would be helpful. But Iím panicking that I need to make sure Iím better in the next 6 weeks because Iím so scared that if Iím not then thatís it. Game over. Iím scared that if I canít fix my broken brain in the next 6 weeks then it will mean Iíve no hope of it ever being ok.  ::-\:

I met one of the GPís at my new surgery a week or so ago. She was very nice. I mentioned that Iím not 100% happy with my current AP but she said itís not wise to change things while Iím at this stage of therapy
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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #17 on: August 31, 2019, 12:56:48 PM »
Once the eight sessions are done you'll still be able to continue so you can get better in your own time. It's certainly not game over at that point and if you do decide that it's not right for you there are other things that you can try.

I agree with your GP, .med changed are usually difficult and since your finding things tough as it is it's probably best not to make things tougher.

I'd say that it's quite normal to get a little tired towards the end of the week and that's why we have weekends :). Rest and time with the guineas will have you feeling better soon :).
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #18 on: September 03, 2019, 05:40:16 PM »
Iíve got no one to talk about this stuff with, so Iím going to get it out on here...

My support worker is off sick with no return date. My CPN has already gone on maternity leave without actually telling me. Found out today when I phoned CMHT. I donít know who my new CC is, apparently it will be decided in their team meeting tomorrow. I know Iíll have to have a CC as apparently I canít be in therapy without one.

My PIP claim has finally been assessed. They want to do a face to face assessment now, which is fine and what I expected, but itís next week (great amount of notice Crapita!) so Iíll need to try to get the day off work at short notice, which means either not getting paid or using up a holiday day. Also itís on a therapy day so Iíll have to see if I can cancel next weeks therapy without losing one of my 8 sessions.

Iím pretty sure Iíll get turned down for PIP after the assessment, I donít know of anyone who has been awarded it without having to appeal a decision. Iíve been trying to sort out money stuff for if I donít get it. Iíll lose my DLA plus a huge chunk of working tax credit, as I get the disability element of tax credits at the moment which is quite a big top up. Iím very lucky in that I will have enough coming in with my monthly wages to cover bills and essentials which I know makes me very fortunate compared to others. It will just mean that I will have very little to cover any unexpected expenses. I think if I lose the benefit amount I currently get I would really need to work more hours. This is hard for two reasons; I work 30h p.w at the moment and I cope well with those. Full time hasnít been something Iíve been able to sustain and stay well mentally before. And secondly and more worryingly the hours arenít really available in my current job and I desperately donít want to start over somewhere else  ::-\: I asked the big boss if I could up my hours when we relocate premises in November and he said not unless business proves to pick up so not until into the new year depending on figures in the first couple of months. I havenít said anything about money worries or needing to work more financially because obviously I donít know 100% what will happen with PIP.

So I phoned CMHT this afternoon because I could really do with some help/support with all this only to find my CPN has left and support worker is off sick. And itís 9 days until my PIP assessment.

So anyway,  Iím stressing but donít know what to do about any of it. Have therapy on Thurs so can ask her for advice but obviously the hour I have with her is very structured around the actual therapy so itís not ideal.

Arrrgh!
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Offline Rob

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #19 on: September 03, 2019, 10:10:15 PM »
Not everyone has to appeal, you might get through. You seem to be able to maintain a good working relationship for the hours that you work now, but I'd be cautious about increasing your hours unless it was absolutely unavoidable, so let's keep our fingers crossed that you don't need to. It's also something that they should be aware of at the face to face.

Your CPN might have had to leave earlier than planned, these things happen. Will you be able to find out who your CC is after tomorrow's meeting and enlist their help?
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