Author Topic: Tough times  (Read 466 times)

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Offline terrified heart

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Tough times
« on: August 14, 2019, 10:24:04 PM »
Things have not been going to well in a number of areas of my life the last few months. Iím starting to just feel exhausted with everything. For once though itís not making me want to die. Itís like Iím too overloaded and exhausted to even think about ending my life. Which is good, I guess.

Have a physical issue that Iím waiting on surgery for. This last 2 weeks the pain has been unbearable, to the point I ended up in A&E on Friday evening. The consultant I saw said this operation is the only long term solution, but gave me heavy duty painkillers in the meantime. My GP surgery has got unmanageable, never any appointments either face to face or on the phone. Itís become a massive battle to even get through on the phone let alone fight the receptionist to give you an appointment. Iím supposed to get my GP to try to bring my hospital consultation forward, but I canít do that because I canít get to speak to the GP. Iím going to see if I can register at a different practice tomorrow, but itís all energy that I just donít have to spare  :(

Still having my weekly psychotherapy. I think itís session 5 tomorrow. Itís hard. It brings a lot of horrid stuff to the front of my mind. The psychologist is very good and tryís to minimise the impact, but it hits at random times during the week. What with feeling physically awful I think my emotional resilience is lower so I end up having times where I just sit and sob.

Stuff with the bloke at work is doing my head in too. Heís back living with his ex (or current now) but he keeps fussing round me when Iím ill or upset to the point that itís making the other staff wonder why he fusses so much. They donít know anything ever happened between us and they canít understand why he is always so obsessed with checking Iím ok. It confuses me too. He chose not to be with me, and he chose to get back with the other woman but then he does this fussing over me thing which just messes with my head. Which Iíve told him, but he canít seem to stop himself.

Added into this Iíve had stress with my car, stress with money, waiting to hear about my PIP claim and a family bereavement and itís all just a massive feeling of Ďoh my god, I want to run awayí. And absolute exhaustion.
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Offline Rob

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2019, 11:57:26 AM »
You seemed to have quite a good relationship with your current GP over the years, might it be possible to email or write about getting the request to move things forward? Could be quicker. Presumably they don't they have an online system that you can make an appointment over.

With this guy at work, even though he's back in his previous relationship, I suppose that there's no reason that he should stop caring about you. Men  ::)

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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2019, 05:52:08 PM »
They have online booking, but every day for the last 2ish years it just says Ďyour practice currently has no appointmentsí. There is only 1 GP there that I trust and getting an appointment with her requires way more energy and effort than Iím able to give. Iíve asked around; friends, family, work patients etc and heard really good things about this other practice. Anyhow, Iíve registered with the other practice today so as of next week Iíll be a patient of theirs. Iím going to write to the GP that has helped me in the old practice to say thank you for all youíve done etc... Everyone I know who is already with this new surgery has said all the GPs are lovely so hopefully Iíll develop a new Dr/Patient relationship with them.

Had therapy today. It was hard. Talked about some really tough stuff. She said this week & next week, which are week 1&2 of the actual Ďtherapyí are always the hardest for everyone (the last 4 sessions before today have been the Ďassessmentí sessions and today the actual therapy began).

It is nice that he cares. I know he does genuinely care. Itís hard for me to adjust to this new type of friendship. He doesnít seem to know himself what he wants; in life, from me, from his gf. That just doesnít help me to adjust though when he sends so many mixed messages. Even the other colleagues said to him the other day that he acts like he cares way more about my wellbeing than he seems to for his own gf. He laughs it off & I laugh it off, but itís his behaviour that the others keep questioning. I keep all my feelings very well hidden from the others although I have been honest with him away from the others.
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2019, 04:16:53 PM »
***Trigs***

Quite simply I do not want to be alive.

I donít like me. I donít really like the majority of humans I encounter. I donít like being with people and I equally donít like being alone. I donít see that any of this will change in the future and I donít see how therapy will alter any of this.

I am flawed. Iím insignificant. Iím worthless. Iím horrible. Iím angry and miserable all the time. Iím a drain and a disappointment. Itís me. Iím the problem. Iím just an absolute poor excuse of a human. Iím so worthless it seeps out of me into the air around me and signals to everyone that Iím worthless.

I want to tear my body apart. Damage every inch of my skin. I want to murder myself in the most violent and painful way possible. Because that is all I deserve.
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Offline Rob

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2019, 07:41:07 PM »
I don't believe that is what you deserve at all. Whether you see yourself as wonderful or not so wonderful, there are people in your life that do care about you, and that's something that had to be earned.

This week and next week are the hardest points in your therapy, and you're aware of that. This is why you're feeling this bad, and you must realise that, not believe that nonsense that you've written. These feelings, your doubts and misgivings are the result of your therapy, and they will go as your therapy progresses. Ignore them, because you deserve a lot better.
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2019, 11:43:07 PM »
I truly wish I could see anything worthwhile in myself. I couldnít like myself less than I do now.

My physical pain is not abating. Iím in pain all day every day. Iíve gained a phenomenal amount of weight, which I couldnít care less about from an appearance point of view, but I am physically uncomfortable all the time.

I canít see happiness in anything except my guinea pigs. I wish I was able to hide away from the world just me & them. Iím such a miserable grumpy snappy person.

I donít want to be this person. I donít want to be filled up completely with anger & sadness. Therapy supposed to help me to not be that person, but Iím finding it hard to believe that it will work. This is my only chance, if therapy fails Iíll have no hope of being a decent human who has a place in the world.
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Offline Rob

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2019, 01:36:50 PM »
~~  a decent human who has a place in the world.
You're already that. Therapy is about you realising it.
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2019, 05:31:59 PM »
Thank you Rob. Iím finding it very hard to see any truth in that, but I guess as Iím only at the start of therapy I should give it a chance to see if it does help. I donít know. Some days it just seems impossible to even get myself through 24hrs because life feels so painful and hard.

I will be meeting someone from my new GP surgery on Wednesday. I think itís going to be one of the nurses. Having the new patient appointment and medication review. Iím going to need a new AP prescription for the end of the week. Might be a good opportunity to discuss how well Iím doing on the current AP. I donít have a psychiatrist now and my CPN is due to leave this month on maternity leave. I need to be assigned a new CC, but donít know who yet. Might mean that developing a good rapport with the new GP will be really important.

I donít want to go to work this week. Iím so grumpy and miserable and everything my colleagues say winds me up. I hate that Iím so vile to be around. Every day I start of trying to be more positive and friendly, but within a couple of hours Iíve slipped back into being this snappy person. I hate that Iím like this.
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2019, 05:16:19 PM »
I have managed to be less grumpy and nicer to be around today which made work a lot better. I wish I could manage to be like this every day, or at least a lot more often.  ::-\:
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Offline Rob

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Re: Tough times
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2019, 05:30:22 PM »
 :emot-thumbsup11:
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