Author Topic: Repressed memories **trig sexual abuse**  (Read 74 times)

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Offline Sian-May

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Repressed memories **trig sexual abuse**
« on: July 20, 2019, 06:16:30 PM »
So I stupidly grabbed an old diary from 2008 to show my boyfriend a page about a night out I had and was talking about. I clicked back a few pages and saw some stuff I have no memory of.

My first boyfriend at 17 abused me, mentally and once (so I thought) sexually. I was somehow drugged at a party and he did stuff to me while I was passed out that I wouldn't normally agree to. But I read an entry that said he did it at least another time too, on a Christmas Eve.

*Graphic warning*




It said that he forced himself on and in me, and that I told him to stop, but he didn't. So I cried, and I was crying for a while before he finally stopped. I have absolutely no memory of this! I have a lot of gaps in my memory from childhood, and into adulthood is appears. I don't know how to deal with this new information. Part of me wants to read all my.old diaries to see what else I've blanked out, but I know it would only make things worse. One good thing is I'm not feeling the urge to SH, it's been over 3 years and I can't have that happen again.

My boyfriend is great when I get triggered due to sexual stuff, he keeps his distance, doesn't touch me in any way and let's me come to him.

I just don't understand how he could have done it more than the once and I didn't know, or remember. And what's even worse is that the sentance after that, I said it was probably my fault. Come on Sian! Jeez. At least I can see how ridiculous that is now. But it doesn't mend things, it doesn't bring the blankness back that I'm missing, it doesn't undo what was done. I'm safe, but I just don't know how to process this. I'm quiet and subdued. I'm only happy in a few second intervals before I feel gross and shocked again. I just really don't know what to do or how to deal.
Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x

Offline Rob

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Re: Repressed memories **trig sexual abuse**
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2019, 07:54:06 PM »
 I don't think that it's going to help you to read about things of this nature that you've written about in the past - I'd not keep those diaries readily available. Some people are able to blank out some memories for good reason.
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Offline Sian-May

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Re: Repressed memories **trig sexual abuse**
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2019, 08:18:27 PM »
That's true Rob. I don't tend to think about them, or even get them out, but I was just looking for something. I'll probably look at them at some point in the future, I have a lot of blank bits about time frames of things happening that I could do with putting into order. It's hard to explain.

I've tried to have therapy about the incident I knew about, but it usually puts me into psychosis, so it's hard to know what to do, because my boyfriend has to look up film scripts and stuff to make sure the 4-letter R word isn't in it, or that type of situation/abuse. It makes things difficult. We can't have the news on in case. I hate it to much, but I don't know how to get over this, it was 12 years ago. I'm nearly 30, I need to have my sh** together more.
Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x

Offline Sian-May

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Re: Repressed memories **trig sexual abuse**
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2019, 11:39:54 PM »
I'm finding it hard knowing how to cope. Since I found out I was abused more than originally thought, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. What am I supposed to do? I've had a lot of therapy over the years for other abuse, bit whenever sexual stuff has been involved, it makes me very unwell mentally. I have ended up in psych hospitals becauywe of it. For that reason, I'm struggling.

I can't get rid of the thoughts. At some point every day my head goes "don't forget about what happened to you. Don't forget that you forgot". I still can't remember the events/incidents, just the one I was aware of, all
i have is the words going round and round from my old diary.

Am I meant to try therapy again? Am I meant to try and act like it didn't happen? I'm.so confused and lost. I don't know how to process it and learn to move on, it's just a never ending spiral in my head and everyday there is a reminder or trigger (like how j was at the dentist on Friday and there was a magazine with R*PIST written in huge writing in the waiting room.) It's in programmes and films. It's on the news. Its just everywhere and I can't move forward. I just want to scream at the top of my voice that I'm not ok, I'm broken and lost, forever drifting in sadness.
Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x

Online Tucan

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Re: Repressed memories **trig sexual abuse**
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2019, 07:40:57 AM »
It sounds really difficult for you.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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