Author Topic: Mixed up memories.  (Read 89 times)

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Offline Patient Pianist

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Mixed up memories.
« on: July 06, 2019, 11:55:23 PM »
I am finding it very hard at the moment. My brain is re-playing all kinds of horrid, memories, some i don't know if they are real, i dont remember them but my memory is very confusing. I am scaring myself a bit i suppose, i have gone into planning and preparation overdrive. I feel like my brain is going to explode. Seeing my CPN was supposed to be a holding strategy but the therapy i was supposed to be starting hasn't so far materialised. Seeing my CPN has gone from once a week to once a fortnight, now its once every three weeks. I don't deal well with change and i know she shouldn't have even really seen me this long, but my mind is racing all the time, i know im not safe. All the effort i put into getting myself to a point where i could do this therapy feels like it has nowhere to go and i have no way of dealing with everything that my brain is throwing out. What i have had to prepare myself for dealing with is now all my mind focuses on, awake and asleep. The memories, sounds, smells, the terror and the blanks and i cannot cope with it.

But i can't ask cause i cannot put myself in the position of the answer being no. I can't control my reactions to rejection of any kind from anyone at the moment, ive never been great at it, now i have to pretend to understand and paint on a face until i can fall apart later. I am so tired and i know that this is never going to end.

Online Tucan

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2019, 08:08:16 AM »
 :hug2:
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Patient Pianist

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2019, 10:01:17 PM »
Thank you, i am finding myself very lost at the moment. I know i am not safe, my lower level self harm is through the roof and i am struggling to contain it. I don't know how to explain that this kind of build up only leads to implosion and me losing the plot and the will to help myself. It will end in my impulsivity winning, and that leads to anybody's guess.

Offline Patient Pianist

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2019, 11:36:25 PM »
 Everything is going wrong now. My friend died yesterday morning. I've had her daughter, my god daughter since yesterday evening, i dropped her home earlier on.
My brain is flying high as a kite, round and round my head, i can't calm it down. My CPN is on annual leave and i am not good at talking to other people. I don't even know what i would say other than  i am not ok.

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2019, 12:27:05 PM »
I'm sorry about your friend, I hope you're okay.  :hug1: :hug2:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :1027:

Online Tucan

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2019, 06:40:52 PM »
How are things today?
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Sian-May

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2019, 06:08:34 PM »
Oh hun, I'm so sorry you're struggling to cope at the moment, and I'm very sorry about your friend, I can't imagine what you're going through.

Is there anyone else you can see/speak to about your mental health other than your CPN? It sounds like you need more support while things are so raw.

Sending loads of hugs
Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x

Offline Patient Pianist

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Re: Mixed up memories.
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2019, 11:05:39 PM »
I don't even know what i would say. Work is the only thing i can do now, the rest of the time i pretty much just sit and stare. Im away with work until tuesday and it is very hands on and intense. Maybe not a wise call but that's me all over...not a wise call!.

I have nothing, its like someone forgot to load any content. I just stare. i can't explain it all to someone else. I can't communicate well. Sorry.