Author Topic: Okay, so I give up; hopeless case *trig SH SUI*  (Read 61 times)

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Offline sniper

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Okay, so I give up; hopeless case *trig SH SUI*
« on: June 10, 2019, 12:58:53 AM »
I hope some of you will refer to my other thread to catch up. If not, it may all be mentioned here eventually.

I AM A HOPELESS CASE AND COMPLETELY WORTHLESS!


 :maytrigger:





Iíve done everything by the book. Iíve even done my own self help things to try to survive. I canít believe that 6 months ago I wrote a letter to my Dad because I was going to end my life on new yrs eve. It didnít work out. Since then all I think about is self destruction. Finding the perfect way to end my life. The thing is, the only thing stopping me this time is ME!

Not sure how to explain that yet.

Every day something happens whether big or small that completely disrupts the day. I have not had a good day since before last Xmas. I have really been hoping to find a day I missed but there was nothing. I have no support. Anyone I reach out to is not there. I canít even call Sams anymore which means Iíve lost my night time resource.

Iím really struggling to keep it together everyday just to survive like everyone selfishly needs me to. My second deadline is coming. JULY. I donít want to be here for then. Itís a miracle I have survived this long. But at what cost?!

Tonight I spent so long with an implement in my hand ready to do harm. My brain was fighting it because rationally I know itíll be a hospital jobbie. That means judgement, psychs (with a trap) and possible severe wounds. I really canít face that. At the same time my whole other self was goading me. I havenít harmed for nearly 3 months. My last one was bad enough to need surgery to clean and close. It was unexpected but I also know thatís what happens when going so long without harming. Iím now having to figure ďwhereĒ to harm to also make sure I can control it to some extent so I donít need major treatment. Trouble is I donít know if thatís possible anymore. Iím fighting and losing this battle. And I canít even talk to anyone about it.

Itís complete sh**. I hate my body because of medical problems still trying to be identified and Iím suffering with it. When I go to bed in a few, I really donít want to wake up. I just want someone or something to take me now. To just drop down dead. I knows itís possible as some people do drop dead. Even if I could sacrifice myself to save someone elseís life, I would jump at the opportunity.

I donít know what Iím trying to say here. No one listens anyway so whatís the point?! I guess I need a clearer head to see where this thread goes. Will try again later me thinks.

Sorry.
"From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says.....I survived!"

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Okay, so I give up; hopeless case *trig SH SUI*
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2019, 01:56:32 PM »
Why can't you ring Sam's anymore?

I'm sorry things are so awful for you. I completely understand that feeling of wishing that you wouldn't wake up, in a way it would be easier if it happened while we're sleeping.

Keep posting, I'm listening (well, reading).  :hug1: :hug2:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :1027:

Online Tucan

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Re: Okay, so I give up; hopeless case *trig SH SUI*
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2019, 05:19:22 PM »
Sometimes people listen without saying anything. We are here for you.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline sniper

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Re: Okay, so I give up; hopeless case *trig SH SUI*
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2019, 09:49:05 PM »
Thank you.


Last time I called Sams was around a month ago. I needed to talk through my emotions. I was on the brink of attempting again. In my experience, I lose a lot of time by explaining whatís happened. When someone says ďand whatís got you to this point?Ē, I can only help them understand by telling them about the traumas and events that got me here. I have tried to shorten it somehow but I canít, not even with bullet points.

So when I called, that question came up. I said I couldnít go through it unless they had a couple of hours to spare. They replied saying they didnít. I said I needed to talk through emotions. What I was hearing from him is that he wasnít prepared to listen if I didnít talk to him, engage. Iíd already explained about valuable time being taking up by explaining, I didnít have time. I wanted to kill myself!!! He basically said ďif you refuse to talk to me, I canít help youĒ. I said that he should be there to listen and explained his job to him. 20 mins later my emotions had got worse. I had to end the call.

This is the third time in a row that Iíve had a bad call. I know it happens randomly with people that donít fit at the time, but three in a row??? Nah, I canít bring myself to call any more. Iíve used them for 9 years now when I have no one else in the world to talk to at the time. Usually early hours of morning. Iíve had a Samaritan fall asleep on a face to face before. I was talking and explaining and I could feel that something was off. I sat silently for a few and heard heavy breathing. I sat for 5 mins considering my options. In the end I got up and walked out. He suddenly came awake and I just said I was going to leave. He had no idea. It was 3-4pm. It was unacceptable.

So I have lost faith and trust in the only service that I can call upon 24/7!
"From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says.....I survived!"

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Okay, so I give up; hopeless case *trig SH SUI*
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2019, 03:16:20 PM »
That is crap, I don't blame you for not wanting to use them after that. Maybe it's time to try another organisation? I know that some areas have local numbers that are 24/7. Anything in your area? I know that you need support most at night but if you rang them at a different time you might get someone else who is better to talk to?

 :hug1: :hug2:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :1027: