Author Topic: Blah blah blah *Could trig*  (Read 776 times)

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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2019, 11:32:20 AM »
Thank you, sometimes it's really helpful when people reassure me.  :hug2: :hug1:

I'm hard on myself but it's because I want to be a better person and I hate that I'm not good enough by my own standards. I loathe myself for being stuck in bed, for the house getting messy, for not always being clean and tidy, for being unable to hold down a job. I could go  on forever about the things that are crap about me but I can't think of much that's good about me. The OT wants to work on that with me but I really doubt that she'll be able to find much. It's hard to look in the mirror and see someone you want to smack (and I frequently do hit myself).

I'm supposed make that phonecall to renew PIP but I don't think that I should. I just need a proverbial kick up the arse.

I know that they're watching me and waiting for me to c*** something up. It's hard to know who to trust because they act nice to you but plot behind your back.

I'm staying in bed because it's safer here.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #21 on: June 09, 2019, 07:46:29 PM »
I haven't been out of bed much today. I need to because the house is dirty, I'm dirty and I couldn't face cooking so I've only eaten cereal. I am crap.  :fryingpan:

I really feel like I'm about to self destruct. The urge to make myself ill and harm myself is unbelievable, it kind of feels like I'm just delaying the inevitable. I feel like complete and utter sh**.  :'(
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline Rob

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #22 on: June 09, 2019, 07:59:31 PM »
Promise yourself that you'll do the cleaning tomorrow as today wasn't a cleaning day, it was a cereal day?

When do you see your OT next?
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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #23 on: June 09, 2019, 08:15:30 PM »
I'm going to at least get myself clean and see ho I feel after. If I leave the mess till tomorrow it'll bug me all night..

I think that I see my OT on Friday but it's hard to talk to her because I've only seen her once. Apparently the psychiatrist might be there too but that's not definite. I think it's just the assessment phase of treatment and I don't know how much actual help I can have. I dunno, I'm probably overthinking again.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline Skye

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #24 on: June 09, 2019, 08:37:25 PM »
Sometimes a list helps. If I can tick off a job then it motivates me to do the next. But sometimes it doesn’t help. Take it easy on yourself.

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #25 on: June 10, 2019, 02:18:04 PM »
 :hug2:

I've been in bed again.  :fryingpan: How the f*** do I cope when I'm feeling so crap that I can barely move?? When you shake constantly and are constantly on high alert? It's exhausting and I can't do it anymore.

 :maytrigger:

I read a story about a n autistic girl who chose to end her life via euthanasia. I wish that we could do that over here, her story struck something deep within me. Of course, we're not allowed to die with dignity here so we have to live with it or resort to methods that often fail and results in getting us sectioned which is also very degrading and dehumanising. And we also have to die alone because there's too much stigma and we can't even have a professional with us. I know what I want to happen to my corpse and I want an eco burial etc. But I'm not allowed to it legally and I just isn't fair.  :no:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Online Tucan

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #26 on: June 10, 2019, 05:24:38 PM »
I wish I could help you more. I can see how that documentary has effected you. I think it would do the same to me.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #27 on: June 11, 2019, 03:38:01 PM »
It all seems logical to me but there's just such a stigma attached to it. I'm just so sick of things. I'm struggling to explain this feeling but I do know that I've really had enough. Course if I tell someone I'll either not be taken seriously or be incarcerated again so either way I can't say anything but if there was a legal euthanasia here I'd be able to talk about it more without having to worry about the consequences y'know? And why should I be forced to carry on if I don't want to? I'm probably overlooking something but I can't talk to anyone about it.

So here I am, still in bed because... Well, I don't know.  :fryingpan: I'm not eating properly  :fryingpan:. Doing the basic things is hard and I'm fed up with it.
I want to b**n until there's nothing left of me, maybe I could make it look like an accident. This is just sh**, complete and total sh**.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :1027:

Online Tucan

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #28 on: June 11, 2019, 05:06:45 PM »
That is difficult. Wish you could be more honest.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Terri

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #29 on: June 12, 2019, 10:54:31 AM »
How's today, Vermilion? :hug1:
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And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.