Author Topic: Blah blah blah *Could trig*  (Read 777 times)

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Offline Vermilion

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Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« on: May 31, 2019, 01:31:44 PM »
It's been a difficult day and I'm stressed and overwhelmed.

I've been to a psych appt and it's just so difficult talking about things, I just feel stupid and embarrassed. Apparently I have a long way to go before I get 'well' again. Assuming that they don't crap out again I'll be seeing an occupational therapist who specialises in autism and I'll have a psychiatrist. I'll believe it when I see it but I'm kinda nervous because I don't know what to expect.

I've also been in the town centre and there's so much going on that I've had to wait in the car because it got too much. What a d*** I am.  :fryingpan: There's a lot of noise and people around and I'm stuck here at the moment.

I want to harm and I just feel crap. Things have just built up in my brain today and I just want to go home, harm and go to bed. 😥
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Online Tucan

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2019, 02:05:46 PM »
Sounds difficult. The support you will be getting sounds good though.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Skye

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2019, 03:03:31 PM »
It sounds positive that thereís some possible support in place for you, fingers crossed it works out. Do you have a time frame?

Hope youíve got home ok and youíre alright  :hug1:

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2019, 01:37:39 PM »
I'm okay, I think. I just hate that I get upset so easily. Life is just a constant battle and I'm exhausted because I can never truly relax. Today I'm shivery and shaky and I feel something that I can't identify.

There's no real time frame for anything and I wish that they were more organised but I suppose I have to learn to cope with it because life isn't always as organised as I need it to be.

 :mf_sleep11:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2019, 05:21:30 PM »
Well, I've managed to force myself outside and I feel a bit better, I played with the ( nice) neighbours dog for a while. I'm listening to Classic FM and reading. I'm glad I managed to get outside for a bit but I'm anxious because the nasty neighbours are around. I'm ignoring them but I still feel very anxious.
I managed to change clothes but I couldn't face brushing my hair so I put a hat on. I struggle with simple tasks and I hate myself for it, even basic things are overwhelming sometimes.
 I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to function enough to work because I cannot switch off the world and it's too noisy and this will be a a struggle for the rest of my life.   I know some argue that autism has advantages but I see it as a curse right now. I'd happily have brain surgery to get my life back.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Online Tucan

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2019, 05:55:16 PM »
 :hug2: you need to learn to like yourself a little better. 
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Skye

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2019, 08:02:59 PM »
Itís amazing how hard Ďsmallí tasks can feel. You did good, getting out  :hug1:

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2019, 12:10:49 AM »
Thank you  :hug1: :hug2:

It's difficult to like myself when I struggle with simple things y'know? I want to be better than this. I don't want to feel so crap all the time and with every day that passes I know that I'm one more day closer until the day I die and I just don't know if it'll be a relief or not.. I don't know how I feel about it really.

I feel weird and I want to b**n again. I want to go to bed because it's safe but it's also a prison at times.

Crap crap crap.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline Skye

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2019, 06:07:06 AM »
I completely understand that feeling of not wanting this. And the feeling of being trapped. Itís horrible. Sometimes I find just noticing the little pleasures can help ground me. Not always - and at those bad times I just go to bed. But if I can, see tiny treasures in the darkness sometimes, I get a bit of relief from the overwhelming despair. It is sh**  :hug2:

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Blah blah blah *Could trig*
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2019, 02:28:11 PM »
Thanks for understanding how sh** things can feel, very few seem to understand. But I feel like a sh** for complaining about things because there are people far worse than me and they manage things and so should I  Maybe I just need to grow a pair and get back to work, suck it up like everyone else. Why should others have to pay for my laziness?
Deep down I know I'll fail and know that I'll struggle for the rest of my life, not just MH/autism stuff but physically as well. I think that my plan is the only way and then I won't be a burden anymore, there'll be no more stress for people who take me to hospital in emergencies, no more working their lives around me because I'm so crap, less burden on the taxpayers, no more wasting NHS resources on my stupidity. Maybe it's best in the long run but it will be hard for people at first but once they forget about me they'll all be better off. It seems logical.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :1027: