Author Topic: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*  (Read 91 times)

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Offline Kitters

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The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« on: May 10, 2019, 10:27:51 AM »
Hey all.

I am for the first time living with a partner during a relapse, and this new dynamic is, well... difficult. It's always been such a secretive, deeply private aspect of me and I only disclose incidents of SH if/when I feel comfortable.

How do you all manage living with a s/o and dealing with self harm thoughts/urges/SH and the other weird compulsive behaviours that come along with it?
I have good insight and try my hardest to prevent SHing, thus infrequently SH. In the past it's required lots of trips to a&e for sutures, but these days as a *30 year old lady* a&e is terrifying and embarrassing. And obviously having to tell a partner I've needed medical treatment is distressing for us both.

My gf is supportive, but has her own serious MH condition to contend with. She asks me not to SH or if I have after a bad day, and I find factoring in having to tell her/her reaction/etcetc really difficult. Is it a deterrent? Does it make me want to SH more? Who knows.

/waffle
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Offline jackgrillo

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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2019, 10:42:39 AM »
This is something that I have just recently had to work with as well, and it's not easy.

My harming, too, has always been a private part of my life. I've never really shows anyone, and generally the times that I've been harming have been times that I was not living with my s/o, so wasn't an issue. I always had space to be alone.

Mrs is very good, she has accepted that this is part of me, and that sometimes it will happen. Obviously she's not happy about it, but she's asked that I tell her when I'm ready to after I have done it. I admit I usually text her, and we have a code such that I don't actually have to tell her explicitly.

Have you thought of showing your gf some information on how to support people who harm? I think Mind have some good resources (Mrs printed some off when she first found out I was harming again).

It's hard, but it's something that can be worked through. :hug2:
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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 10:48:23 AM »
Thanks, jackgrillo!

She has really good awareness of how to support someone who SHs tbh, she made me a little first aid box knowing this helps me feel more in control, and just wants me to be safe/honest. Although at the moment while her own MH isn't great, it's more difficult for her. She worries when I go quiet, want to sit alone etc. I can't blame her.

I think a code would be a really good idea. I can tell her when I'm having thoughts/urges or have SH'd... Thanks!

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Offline purplebutterfly

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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2019, 08:05:16 AM »
I also have this to contend with. And Mr PB also has mental health issues.

He used to check on me if I went quiet for even 15 minutes and try to avoid leaving me alone. This made it worse. We discussed it and that is now better. We have come to the conclusion that for us discussing it doesn’t help. I don’t hide the areas from him so he can see if they are covered. To be honest, he usually knows if I have just from my face. I have recently started therapy and we focus on the aspects of that I can share - that is like focussing on the underlying issues rather than the symptoms.

And as to age, I am 52, and under weekly care from my GP. And I understand the embarrassment.

Don’t know if that helps at all.
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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2019, 03:04:23 PM »
Thanks PB, that's really helpful.

I wish my MH didn't have such an impact upon my partner. She desperately wants me to talk but I just completely clam shut and that drives her mad.I just can't talk to her about my feelings.
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Online Lorien

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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 02:52:48 AM »
I 'met' my partner on here so it come up sometimes. Essentially over time we have built up ways to support each other when we are having a hard time.

We agreed that it is best to know rather than find out. Definitely if that finding out happens at the wrong time. It's a pretty good 'mood' killer. We also have a bit of a code. Not explicitly but it makes it easier to not say things directly. I've found it a lot easier not to. We are generally very open about when we are not doing well. The other usually steps up to support in familiar ways. We are both different but we can usually support each other to sit it out in a way I wouldn't have on my own.

I think it is easier because we both understand it. We also protect ourselves when more is expected of us. We have a spare room set up for escape. Sometimes it helps to state these are the supportive things I can manage, then I'm going to do xyz for myself. We have an agreement that we can text, call, wake up the other whenever we need to. Even if that means that we text from beside each other. Really a lot is about communicating in whatever way works for you.
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Offline purplebutterfly

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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2019, 08:13:18 AM »
The idea of texting even when next to each other is a really interesting one Lorien, thanks. Not ready to reach out when I need to SH yet, but I think that could be really helpful when I am.
“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”

Offline Kitters

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Re: The dynamics of living with a s/o *SH*
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2019, 03:40:48 PM »
Thanks Lorien, it's really helpful to have insight into the daily ins/outs of living with this.

We're planning to set up the spare room for meditating/escape/a safe space for us both, I'll get busy with that.
I find texting much, much easier when I'm not doing well, I'll suggest that, too. Let us know if it helps you and your Mr, PB!

My partner doesn't get why anyone would SH, but is somewhat sympathetic and doesn't punish me for it. She just wants me to tell her about it. I agree, finding out certainly is a "mood" killer! I promised I would never do that again.

I'm coming out of a really bad patch and can communicate better, I'll have a chat with Lady Jitters about these ideas.

Thanks all  :hug2:
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