Author Topic: Struggling a little. *SH*  (Read 922 times)

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Offline Terri

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Struggling a little. *SH*
« on: May 08, 2019, 03:33:23 PM »
Hi.


I'm not having the best day. I mean, I'm alright, but the things I've done in the past are creeping into my mind and I really, really hate it. I'm internally shivering because I'm all horrible about the things I've done/things that have been done to me.


I just... I don't know. It's hard, isn't it? Some of the things that have been done to me have kept me safe, but it doesn't mean it was nice. Some of the things I've done to myself, well. I don't even know what to say. I hurt myself a couple of months ago and I'm still having to go to the burns unit every couple of weeks. I've had surgery multiple times to try and repair things that I've done. To myself. It's not normal, is it? Sometimes it feels so natural. Like, it's something that everyone does. It's not though, is it? It's not something that everyone does. Not everyone has been sectioned even once, let alone multiple times. Not everyone has been on a high dependecy psychiatric unit. I think I sometimes minimise things. "Oh, everyone does that sometimes", you know? Ugh. They don't though, do they?


I feel a bit nauseous thinking about it all. I'm such an idiot. I don't want it anymore. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Other than no, I'm not. I do alright, you know? I work, I volunteer, I see friends, I go to church. I don't know. Why am I such a d*** head?
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline jackgrillo

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2019, 03:38:34 PM »
I'm not in the right headspace at the moment to be able to formulate words into sentences and things that would make sense, but I will say that I think you're very strong. Life is hard. No, not everyone has done all the things you describe, but that's because everyone is different. If we were all the same then it would be very, very boring.

Can you perhaps employ a distraction technique? Watch a film, or telly, or read a book or something? Maybe go for a little walk to get some fresh air, as that might help with the nausea as well?

:hug2:
:13328: <-- gregory
:13328: <-- that one was given to me by chihiro

I like walking in the rain because then nobody can see me cry

Online Tucan

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2019, 04:09:26 PM »
Hugs. You have been through a tough time
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Terri

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2019, 05:56:28 PM »
Thank you, you two. :hug1:


I did some cleaning. I hadn't done my washing up for ages and now it's done, so maybe there's something to be said for feeling crappy.


I don't know. It's hard. It's not that terrible things have happened, that's what I don't get. If I'd had a terrible childhood or something, I could understand why I am the way I am sometimes. I didn't though. I've always been loved.


It's not that any of those things are terrible, and even the ones that were reasonably bad were only a result of my own idiocy. Suck it up, Terri.
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline mirrhi

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2019, 10:24:20 PM »
Not everyone has had chemotherapy, not everyone has had regular insulin injections, not everyone has needed surgery after a car accident.  It sucks to need any one of those, or any treatment from the health services, but that doesn't mean any one person is less deserving. 
You're right, it's hard.  It's cr@p. Bl**$y  f^*(%!^g  cr@p. But you're still here, you've told the cr@p where it can go and won every time. That's pretty amazing.
I wish I could make the cr@p go away though.  :hug1: :hug1:
I guess it's funnier from where you're standing, Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing, I've done it again, another number for your notes
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh, cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me...

Offline Terri

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2019, 10:30:52 PM »
Thanks Mirrhi. :hug2:


You don't choose cancer or diabetes or a car accident though, do you? It's not usually an active choice, anyway. Not like self-harm. I've chosen to do those things to myself. I took the Y and hurt myself with it. On purpose. An then needed surgery for it. It's f*****g ridiculous of me.



The other stuff. I don't know. I didn't choose that. I didn't choose for them to come to my house and take me away. I didn't choose to be shoved in a 136 suite those times. I didn't choose to be detained and held back. I just... Ugh. UGH. I don't know. It happened. But it happened because of stuff I'd done/said/not said.



I just hate it. It's my fault.
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline mirrhi

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2019, 10:38:47 PM »
You actively chose SH to remove the thoughts and pain you were going through? Or to help manage it at least? You actively thought, 'I know what would be a good plan? Harming myself, yeah that'd be great!'
I'm being horrendously simplistic I know, but people coose to smoke, drink, drive too fast, etc etc. Why is mental health, and self harm undeserving?
I guess it's funnier from where you're standing, Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing, I've done it again, another number for your notes
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh, cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me...

Offline Terri

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2019, 10:39:49 PM »
I don't know that it is. I just know that I am.
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline Skye

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2019, 06:14:57 AM »
I donít think self harm can be seen as a choice. I can see it as a symptom of an illness and I can see it as a coping strategy. However, I know my shame and lack of willingness to seek help and treatment for self harm has always been rooted in, yes but I caused that. So I do hear you. But academically? Self harm isnít a choice.

Iím sorry yesterday was hard. I hope today is better lovely   :hug2:

Online Tucan

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Re: Struggling a little. *SH*
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2019, 08:41:42 AM »
Why do you give yourself a hard time.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'