Author Topic: Trapped....hate my life  (Read 47 times)

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Online so sad

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Trapped....hate my life
« on: April 25, 2019, 11:05:25 AM »
This is a long post so apologiesÖ.

I have too much going on in my head.
Iíve been doing DBT for 9 months and have just 3 months left. Iím freaking out, massively. Iíve learnt a lot and use the skills most of the time but depending on what is going on, they donít always work. I know DBT is something Iíll need to do forever and once the course finishes Iíll still have those skills to hand but the thought of not seeing my therapist is terrifying.
It feels like Iím only just at the point of truly opening up (some weeks more than others) and getting to issue of my non-existent self-esteem. There is no way that this will be sorted in the next 3 months and after that Iíll be left with no professional support. Plus, there is the issue that Iím kind of attached to her. I know thatís normal but that wonít make not seeing her and having her support any easier to cope with. I have no real support at home, my partner is very hit and miss where support is concerned. She wants me to open up to her more but in the past, when I have done all I get back is comments like Ďwell, we all feel like that at timesí and ĎI get depressed at times as well and I donít do x,y and zí Ė very frustrating. Iíve tried to explain to her how someone with BPD thinks but either she doesnít get it or doesnít want to.

My other concern right now is my weight. Iím 46 and my weight has gone up and sometimes down all of my life. Iím currently a stone over what I feel I should be. I was on holiday in March and before I went I dropped to what I think my correct weight is. After the holiday (a cruise) I put on almost a stone and now I canít get back on the diet. I feel huge and such a failure. I think people are commenting behind my back saying how Iíve no will power and that Iím weak. I think I know theyíre not and that those words are what Iím saying to myself but I just feel so disgusting. I want to starve myself or make myself sick after I eat, anything to get some control back. Itís all about the control.

Maybe thatís it Ė I donít feel in control of any aspect of my life.

I just hate what I am and canít see a way of moving forward.

xx

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Trapped....hate my life
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2019, 03:59:54 PM »
It sounds like you need some sort of support network around you so that you don't feel as alone. It doesn't necessarily have to be MH related but just having someone to meet up with and have a cuppa or you could join an exercise group or a weight watchers group. Perhaps a weight watchers (or similar) group would help with your weight too. Does your GPs offer any counseling services/support workers etc? Maybe seeing a counselor regularly could help when you haven't got your therapist to talk to.

I think MH is something that many people think they've experienced but the reality is that the haven't. People might think that they've experienced depression when in actuality they've simply felt blue for a few days and that's very different to depression which can be a physical illness as much a mental one. It's frustrating and can make us feel worse at times.
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