Author Topic: SH urges *trig SA too  (Read 56 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Sian-May

  • 18+
  • Always here
  • ***
  • Posts: 10355
SH urges *trig SA too
« on: March 15, 2019, 01:41:04 PM »
So I haven't been on here for a few years, and there's probably no-one I know in here now.

I've been SH free for 3 years (even then it was minor compared to my past SH).

SA stuff triggers me, especially the 4 letter R word for assault. There's been a lot of it recently in films and programmes and each time it knocks the air out of me. The last time a week or so ago was bad, it made me remember the assault I sufferered, usually it's just a horrible feeling rather than flashbacks. But today it's bad.

My fella is hugely supportive and understanding, but while I've been getting ready to see my GP (unrelated issue) he has been watching a police custody programme downstairs which features serious crimes, one of them the triggering kind. I didn't hear it, but he said he was watching something I shouldn't see and I saw the bad word on the subtitles when I came out of the bedroom (he had the volume down so I wouldn't hear it).

Couldn't eat my lunch, felt too sick. I'm having strong SH urges, I want to do something to my genitals which isn't a usual thing for me. I just want to destroy myself, and it. I do t want anyone to ever have sexual thoughts about me, or to have sex. He knows I'm triggered as I put 2 and 2 together, and he feels really bad, it's just this trigger has happened about 4 times in a fortnight and I can't keep shaking it off. I'm so low. Sat staring at nothing and feeling blank, numb...
Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x

Online Tucan

  • 18+
  • Always here
  • ***
  • Posts: 10229
  • Its a cup, not a toilet!
Re: SH urges *trig SA too
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2019, 02:12:04 PM »
I am not sure what to say but I can see that it is difficult for you.  :hug2:
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online sniper

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 1026
  • "Stop asking if I'm OK, Im tired of lying"
Re: SH urges *trig SA too
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2019, 02:57:15 PM »
 :hug1:
I think I remember you from before. Been a while. Itís good there was a substantial gap between SH.

Iím sorry that things are difficult again. Always seems to come back doesnít it? I too have issues with sexual stuff. Seeing, hearing and reading it. I avoid it so much but it is everywhere like you say. With all the media trying to show that there is support available, itís like they are not thinking about the triggers it may cause. Thatís my opinion anyway.

I too have had strong thoughts/urges about SHing genitals. I was trying to figure a way how not to be a woman and not be a man. I just donít want anything classed as sexual on my body. I donít think there is such a thing....I donít know.
I got this way after slipping with ďsecretsĒ back in 2014. One of them got put away in jan 2017. Was a long gap between disclosure and sentencing which caused PTSD to stay on the surface. ( I used to keep it hidden and buried) The worst part of the PTSD is the sensations I get. In areas that I want to cut away or destroy.

During the okay years, did you still have professional support? Do you have any now? Would you consider talking to them about how things are for you now, if theyíre around?

Still talk here if you need to. Weíll be listening.  :hug1:
"From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says.....I survived!"

Offline Sian-May

  • 18+
  • Always here
  • ***
  • Posts: 10355
Re: SH urges *trig SA too
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2019, 11:44:21 AM »
I recognise your name, I was pretty active a few years ago so I think I saw you around.

I'm sorry you have the same type of problems and thoughts as me. It's so hard because it's everywhere! It's in films and programmes, and even ones where it doesn't add anything to the story and that's what annoys me the most.. when it's pointless and just thrown into it for no reaaon. The trigger has been in a few things recently and after a while it just knocks the air out of me and it gets harder and harder to just shake it off.

I usually avoid the news, but I do read it more now. It's still hard seeing the word, but I seem to be able to get over it more when I'm by myself. If my fella is around and it's in a film it stabs me through the chest, yet it is a bit less when it's just me. Not sure why.

I'm on a few meds and see my psych every 6 months. The intense feelings have lessened today so I probably don't need to see him urgently. If it comes back again I'll consider making an appointment.

I have a DBT workbook which I'm going to start going through, the first bits to learn are about emotional regulation and not falling into self destructive patterns so it will hopefully be useful.

For a time after a trigger I always feel like I don't want to be seen as a sexual being, including having genitals, but as the trigger passes those thoughts do too. I'm sorry if you have those most of the time, it's pretty horrible and distressing.

Thank you for replying. I hope you're doing ok

- thank you also Tucan, I appreciate the reply
Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x

Offline Vermilion

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 3398
Re: SH urges *trig SA too
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2019, 12:51:33 PM »
I also struggle with these things, I know how it feels.  :hug1: :hug2:

I remember that you posted about possibly doing some SA counseling, did you manage to? Or would you contact them now? Maybe they could help.
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :1027: