Author Topic: Going back to old habits *trig SH  (Read 95 times)

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Offline Tired Soul

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Going back to old habits *trig SH
« on: March 13, 2019, 10:40:28 PM »
 :maytrigger:

Hi,

I just am really struggling at the moment. I have self harmed twice in the last week and i have done that in years. I spent 30min yesterday hiding out in the toilets at the gym trying to calm down from being on the verge of a panic attack. Tonight I have ordered tools to self harm with, just so i have the 'right' tools to sh with next time. I feel on the edge of a cliff...

I currently want to sh so i can deal with my feelings. But i am also shocked to find myself in this position again... it feels like this is going to be me forever. Clinically depressed for life sounds so depressing.

I have been emailing the samaritans, to try and get some perspective etc because i had been feeling suicidal over xmas etc, but these feelings have still not shifted enough.

Does anyone have experience and suggestions/thoughts for how to manage relapsing and how you shake that urge out of your head?  I'm trying to stop myself from sh'ing anymore tonight, so I am having some beer to see if that can help manage my feelings tonight. I feel a bit lost.

x
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Online sniper

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2019, 11:14:17 PM »
 :hug1:

Not sure what to say cos Iím still in my relapse that started two years ago.

I was scared that when I found out I had just depression at age 19, that Iíd have it for life. Almost 15 years later, itís not just depression and it seems that I will actually have it for life, so I get what youíre saying in that respect.

Iím sorry it came to the point of SHing again. Have you managed to treat it yourself or get it looked at?
Sams have sometimes helped me when Iím in a pickle with no one on earth to speak to. Hope itís helping for you at the moment. Before the relapse, were you getting sufficient support? Maybe let them know that things are not so good right now?

I hope that tomorrow is a little better for you.
 :hug1:
"From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says.....I survived!"

Offline Terri

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2019, 11:52:29 PM »
Hiya. :hug2:


I hear you. Things sound really, really tough at the moment.


You say that you want to SH to deal with your feelings. Would it help to talk about them? What's going on to make them feel as though you can't cope iwth them?


Keep talking. We are here. :hug2:


You are defo an orsem superstar-ess  :1025:



And hope and grace were all I needed.


This isn't everything you are.

Offline Tired Soul

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 11:55:44 PM »
Thank you for your reply, Sniper.

It helps to hear someone elses thoughts... but I am sorry though that you feel that is kind of where you are at too. I am guessing we must be about the same age, somehow it still feels suprising/shocking that this could be me forever. Even though I am old enough to feel like I'm too old for this bullsh**, I still feel young inside and maybe had thought naively that I would simply grow out of the feelings still? I guess maybe I had hoped that it was 'just' unaddressed trauma issues and not long term low-ness... but I have spent several years working through the trauma stuff etc and had hoped when that was a bit more worked through that somehow my mood would lift and I would feel more happy finally. I mean I have my moments, I acknowledge there are some things in my life that I never thought I would be able to achieve/do that are amazing... but I still get so angry at myself and so low at times. I am doing everything I can think of to try to make things better and it feels so disappointing to still be struggling after so long.

Yes my sh is ok, it was mild because i didnt have the right tools & I am doing my best to try and keep it to something really mild or nothing at all. I am hoping i somehow get out of the need to do it after this week... who knows. But now I feel stupid for ordering tools... I dunno how i will avoid using them when they show up. I spent 2 hrs in a shop mostly trying to talk myself out of buying tools, and when i decided to get them I found that the shop didnt even stock the stupid things anymore... so I felt annoyed and instead of just feeling relieved that I could SH, it sat heavy in my head that i needed to find them...  I felt like someone with a craving for chocolate or coffee or something... i felt desperate. And now I feel like im just making things worse for myself.

And yes, Sams seems to help me out when I get to the point of not having anyone to talk to and feeling in crisis type level. Other than that I don't have any other support, I am not good at talking about feelings/worries and I default into not sharing or asking for help ever. I finished with my therapist a year ago or so, and now i see her in a professional setting, so I dont feel like i can/its appropriate to go back to her for any support... other than that I have no idea where i would start in looking for support... i dont let people in my day to day life help me. Hence why i come back here when I get into a mess, because nothing changes in how i approach stuff... i just dont seem to learn. I feel like my least successful project!
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Offline Tired Soul

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2019, 12:09:21 AM »
thank you for your reply Terri, I think I replied to Sniper while you posted your comment, but i guess that answers some of what is going on for me.

I think the difficulty is that there isnt something horrific going on in my life now.. it seems to be all the leftover stuff that just comes back over and over.

work can be stressful because of poor management, my relationship is alright but I am no good at relationships, so there's issues with how i dont communicate and how she then responds/acts towards me and the lack of intimacy etc etc. I am working on my body/weight by going to a personal trainer... that is hugely triggering for me in so many ways too, i told her i was scared i might find it really overwhelming to see any weightloss or change to my body because it would lead me back to a place/weight when my body was also at its most dangerous/unsafe... my family are sh** but thats nothing new. Im getting married in feb and i dont think i have the support of my family or my best friend and that feels so disappointing too. i feel empty in my life. despite having really big positive things in my life.

i dunno. maybe im just being stupid

x
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Offline Terri

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 12:20:38 AM »
I don't think you're being stupid at all. You have an awful lot of stuff going on at the moment - it's not wonder that self-harm is playing on your mind.



Really well done on going to a personal trainer. Remember though that it is absolutely your choice to carry on. I'm in no way saying you should stop seeing her - just reminding you that you are in control wit this one, and if it gets too much, you can take a break. Is your trainer supportive of you emotionally as well as helping you to get more physically healthy?


I can understand why not having the support of your best friend and family when it comes to your relationship would be dissapointing and hurtful. Do they know how you're feeling about it?


Would it help to talk about your family stuff? It's OK not to, but we're here to listen if it would be useful.


:hug1:


You are defo an orsem superstar-ess  :1025:



And hope and grace were all I needed.


This isn't everything you are.

Offline Tired Soul

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2019, 04:43:19 PM »
:maytrigger:

Hi, Thanks for your reply.

Yeah my personal trainer is really great. She is really empathic and I think she has had her own mental health struggles in the past, so I think she kind of understands that stuff. She had said that she thinks if there's something holding you back, that part of your power is that you can name it out loud and put it out there and then it helps you be more accountable and gives it less power... so I thought id give it a try. So to help give her some context I told her that i had experienced a traumatic incident at uni and that i put on weight on purpose, so that my body would be safer, and that the idea of losing weight makes me feel like i will go back to being unsafe & bring out old destructive behaviours. I decided that i didnt need to go into all the other past SA, SH, and trauma.It did take me about 12 email drafts before i sent her something haha... but it was worth it and I did my best to keep it focussed to being relevant to my training needs with her.

On Tuesday I know she saw that i was at the gym really early and that i had been in the toilets for ages too, so when i said i was fine she called me out on it. I tried to brush her off but managed to say i was feeling super anxious and that i needed the session to get going so I could get over it (otherwise i felt like i would burst into tears/hyperventilate), and i seemed to get better as time went on. She did ask me if i had any idea what triggered my panic but i said no... which was mostly a lie, but because it was MH stuff, i wasnt sure i wanted to talk about any of it. I was worried when I saw her again on Friday that she would want to follow up on stuff again, so i just said that stuff had got on top of me and tried to keep it all really vague. I don't want to be one of those people who asks too much of someone, espescially when it literally is not her job!

I get what youre saying about it being my choice to keep going or not, it's helpful to hear :) , but I do feel like it is really important for me to keep going and working on my body because otherwise i feel like this sh** will just stay inside me forever. I think i just have to figure out ways to make it manageable... and to remember that BIG feelings might keep leaping out at me at times? I think that is what my panic attack was about too... I'm having to connect to my body again and that's really bringing up the things to do with past SA & it's making me question how i am meant to keep myself safe despite lots of triggering thoughts/feelings coming up. I think part of my freak out was also because i was worried i had put on weight and it made me worry that i was already some giant failure and that she would know and would judge me and tell me off. I have so much shame inside. Going up or down with weight seems to be making me freak out! Imagining changes to my body scares me. Thinking that i could actually get myself to a healthy weight (and in turn to look 'better') scares me because i never thought I would let myself be a physically 'attractive' weight again... by staying overweight i have been able to feel completetly detached from the majority of the physical/sexual type stuff. Maybe my feelings are coming from a lack of control over what will happen/how it will make me feel, and that's bringing up my urges to SH.

I dunno... i think i am just rambling. I've had this post open for two days and still dont know what my point is. Feel like just deleting it all. I'm ashamed of myself. x
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Offline Skye

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Re: Going back to old habits *trig SH
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2019, 06:20:33 PM »
I think youíve nothing to feel ashamed of. But I get that if it were that simple, the forum would be obsolete. Someone else telling you that you have nothing to be ashamed of doesnít take away that shame, but hopefully a tiny bit of the message that actually you are a good person, doing your  best and managing difficult past experiences will resonate  :hug2:  :hug1: