Author Topic: Relapse  (Read 82 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline parisrcb

  • 18+
  • First posts
  • ***
  • Posts: 10
Relapse
« on: March 06, 2019, 01:39:36 AM »
Three years ago I hit rock bottom like never before. I was depressed and suicidal, I thought of myself as being already dead and I was just waiting for my body to catch up.
I still don't know what I did or how I came out of it, but I did. And for three I didn't cut myself even though self harm had been a part of my life for over 8 years.
My entire body is covered in scars and after two years of not cutting I got a tattoo on my arm to cover the scars, I figured that if I could live two years without the need to cut then I was done with it and I could move on.
But tonight for some reason I feel like sh**. Not just like, "I've had a bad day" sh**, I feel hollow, and there's this great weight and I'm getting flashbacks. It's like I've been in a bubble for the past three years being busy and that bubble just burst and now all I can think of is going to the shop and stocking up on tool tools.
I just feel so lost and scared feeling like this again. I really thought I could live my life without ever cutting again, but I don't feel strong enough and now I did it again.
I remember that writing here helped the last time, and there is no one else I can talk to about this. I'm not sure what to do with myself now. It's late and I'm tired, but I'm afraid of waking tomorrow and realising what happened.
Chinle

Offline Rob

  • Administrator
  • Usually here
  • *****
  • Posts: 6619
  • Official NSHN geriatric
Re: Relapse
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2019, 10:51:17 AM »
Hey  :happy020:

I remember some of your posts a few years ago, when you talked about your depression getting worse when you were alone. One of your therapists/analysts put you on anti-depressants - did you continue with them or are you struggling without them? These relapses seem to happen after something has triggered you, however abstract that trigger might be. I think that when you're already under stress or feeling exhausted, you can be more vulnerable to these urges.

Many people do get negative cycles occasionally, but it doesn't mean a return to how things were several years ago. Hiccups along the route need to be treated as such. I hope that things are better for you today. You're always welcome to talk here.
:icon_arrow: NHS Direct 111 :icon_arrow: Careline 0808 100 1210 :icon_arrow: Childline 0800 1111 :icon_arrow: Samaritans 08457 909090 - Text SAMs 07725909090 - Free SAMs 116 123 :icon_arrow: Basic First Aid

Offline parisrcb

  • 18+
  • First posts
  • ***
  • Posts: 10
Re: Relapse
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2019, 01:22:37 PM »
At te time I only took the medication for a couple months. Things got complicated with my therapist and I stopped seeing them. I haven't seen  therapist or taken medication since then.
I do feel a little better today, and thank you for replying so quickly you have no idea how much it helps. I just get really scared whenever it feels like I'm going down that road again.
Chinle