Author Topic: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol  (Read 181 times)

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Online purplebutterfly

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just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« on: January 11, 2019, 03:09:10 PM »
So.... new thread cause desire to cut getting stronger and stronger. Not suicidal. Yet. Have been in the past.

Things in my life aren’t too bad at the moment. Love my job, though can’t do it full time cause of MH. Got a great husband, 3 cats and a supportive GP. This is after a really rough patch when the SH started again affter 10 months cut free.

But I just want to cut and cut. There are very few days when I don’t act on this. It’s like that is what is keeping me able to function. Definitely need to when my emotions start surfacing. I have supressed them for so many years.

Can pinpoint the day I finally fully broke after many years struggling with childhood trauma.... July 21st 2009. My close friend drowned. July 22nd 2009 my best friend told me her cancer was terminal. Had phoned to tell her about my other friend. She died October 29th 2009. These 4 months changed everything. The only way to cope was up the antidepressants and shut down. Jump to 2015. Couldn’t contain everything any longer. SH started. Well cutting. Had already done 20 plus years with ED and then tried alcohol. Both those stopped me functioning. So cutting came.  So much better.

And now I want to feel again. I want my music back and the only way to have that is to feel. But this is really frightening, and when I do feel I get really scared. Overwhelmed. If I show them to other people I fear they won’t want to be near me because they are so violent at times. Especially if I get angry or really sad.

 :62272:
And I am so angry. Angry at the sea for taking my friend in front of his wife and 2 of his 4 girls (university aged at the time) Angry at cancer for eating my friend. Angry at my relatives for being so f@#£)*& useless, particularly my sister for manipulating my entire life until I devided to disown her.

Angry at myself for not being able to let go. But I don’t know how to shout.

And sad. So sad. But I don’t know how to cry.

So I cut. And cut. And cut. I want to right now. And I want to go deeper and deeper.

Going to walk now. In the cold. With my other half. But I know I want to find a quiet place and hide and cut as soon as I can.

 :banghead:


“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”

Online Tucan

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2019, 03:12:53 PM »
 :hug2:
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2019, 07:12:53 PM »
Finally found the space. Bleeding.
Relief.
Can breathe again.
But can already feel the pressure building again.
Can’t say that anywhere but here.
“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”

Online Tucan

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2019, 07:32:13 PM »
Bless you. Sounds really difficult. Take care. Why don't you join us in the random thread.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2019, 07:52:48 PM »
Which thread do you mean?
“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”

Online Tucan

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2019, 08:17:13 PM »
It's a general distraction chat thread. It's in the rainbow room. The title changes but will always have the word random in capitals in it. RANDOM
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2019, 05:19:28 AM »
I woke up at 4:30. Again. This is a nightmare today as I am not at home so don’t have all my usual distraction stuff at hand. Mostly  :chococat_h4h: :chococat_h4h: and :chococat_h4h:
So lying in bed on ipad playing stupid games, and thinking about cutting more.
“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2019, 07:36:05 AM »
Feeling calm now.
Watched the blood drip in the white hotel sink. No one I know understands how that helps. To be honest, neither do I. Just does. Calming.
Day ahead one with no specific plans. Not the best, but feel ready for it now.
Will try and use random thread a bit.
“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”

Online Tucan

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2019, 08:52:42 AM »
Bless you. Stay strong and don't give yourself a hard time.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2019, 11:56:13 AM »
a lot of pain.
“Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.”