Author Topic: Sad  (Read 620 times)

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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Sad
« Reply #50 on: February 05, 2019, 06:26:11 PM »
I am having a bad day. Everything has made me angry today for no real reason. I went mad at work when putting the delivery away because we had so much of the same medication come in that checking of so much of the same thing made me angry. It made no sense to be so wound up about it, it made no sense to anyone even me. I actually started the day relatively well but I seemed to get angrier as the hours went by. I mean by about 11.30am I was in such a bad mood I was fed up of myself.

Then about 1/2hr before I went home i found out someone at work is quite unwell, so I felt like a right insensitive moody t*%t.

Iíve come home and started drinking. I HATE who I am. I hate my stupid mood swings and irritability. I hate how Iím always so angry and wound up. I hate that I canít seem to get myself to give up on life and put an end to things. I hate that I keep persevering with life despite the fact that Iím making everyone else around me miserable and just basically being a waste of space.

I really REALLY want to SH.
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Offline Rob

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Re: Sad
« Reply #51 on: February 05, 2019, 07:46:47 PM »
Days like that happen to lots of people occasionally, one thing gets you going and then the storm self perpetuates. Best thing to do is a change of environment until you get your balanced head back on again. It's neither your choice nor your desire to have to suffer these mood swings, but moods do swing the other way too, so instead of letting yourself feel frustrated, spend some time with Buddy instead until you feel calm again  :hug2:
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Sad
« Reply #52 on: February 06, 2019, 06:52:04 PM »
Thanks Rob. Had Buddy cuddles before bed yesterday and kept safe.

Today was almost a massive fail, but I think I just about pulled it back. Woke up late (again) so had a big rush to get to work on time. Decided I definitely wasnít going to go to the gym so took no gym clothes or trainers with me. Was fighting back tears on the way to work. Had all the usual ĎI am rubbish, I mess everything up, Iím going to just get fatter and sadder and ruin everything...í going round in my head.

But today turned out to be the complete opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I felt ok first thing and got worse as the day went on, and today started off bad and got better.

Had no gym stuff with me and no time to go home before induction was due to start. Contemplated not going at all, but then thought I may as well drive over there, apologise in person, have a look around and fill in any forms etc.. So I went. Didnít achieve the whole goal of working out but first step is now complete, I have my personal training plan ready, access to the gym and group exercise and Iíve done the initial bit of turning up. So I actually feel quite pleased with myself.

Now this evening Iím home, had another healthy homemade meal and am feeling a little more positive.

Oh and this evening Ďlady stuffí seems to be starting. Which is urgh as always, but also yay, because it means 1) a lot of the irritability and sadness was probably PMT related so should improve now, and 2) I must be getting a normal cycle back, which is reassuring.

So yeah, today wasnít a fail after all  :emot-thumbsup11:
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Offline Axia

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Re: Sad
« Reply #53 on: February 06, 2019, 07:10:53 PM »
You should be very proud of yourself  :hug2:
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. x

Online Tucan

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Re: Sad
« Reply #54 on: February 06, 2019, 07:44:10 PM »
Happy you turned things around today.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline Rob

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Re: Sad
« Reply #55 on: February 06, 2019, 07:56:15 PM »
 :emot-thumbsup11:
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Sad
« Reply #56 on: February 11, 2019, 09:46:37 PM »
Iím feeling rubbish today. Iím trying, but itís hard. Itís always hard.

Iím so unhappy with every aspect of my life. And I know itís for me to change things but itís not that easy. I donít know how to turn things around. I donít even know if I want to turn it around. All that effort to make things better knowing that they will inevitably fall apart again.

I donít think a day has gone by in months that I havenít thought about giving up in some way or another. Even on what I would consider a good day I still think to myself why go on?

Iím tired all the time. Tired physically and emotionally. At least one part of my body is in physical pain every day, and Iím just generally unhappy.

I see my support worker tomorrow, but as my CPN said last week there is not much they can do for me other than try to keep cheering me along until I can start psychotherapy.
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Offline Rob

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Re: Sad
« Reply #57 on: February 11, 2019, 10:02:25 PM »
 :hug2:

Take small steps - you were feeling upbeat last week, try not to think that feeling down will last. It might take a while, perhaps until you get your psychotherapy, but there is that chance ahead of you that you'll get on top of things permanently. Did you get to the gym the other day?

Meanwhile, shares some apple pie & custard  :hug2:
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Sad
« Reply #58 on: February 12, 2019, 10:38:41 PM »
Thanks Rob. Itís appreciated (the pep talk & the apple pie)

I just cannot shake off this unhappiness. Iím so exhausted with life. I just want to disappear. I wish someone could just keep injecting me with strong sedatives so I donít have to think or feel. I need a total break from myself. I wish I could get inside my head and rip all my thoughts and feelings out and throw them away.

Iíve got such massive urges to SH. I want to physically inflict all the pain on my body that Iím feeling inside. I hate me so much that I just want to attack myself in the way you would wish to attack your worst enemy.

I wish I could pull my brain out of my skull and smash it to bits.
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Offline Axia

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Re: Sad
« Reply #59 on: February 13, 2019, 12:48:40 AM »
 :hug2:
I'm sorry you are feeling sad right now, I do understand, I'm feeling like you. It's hard when you think that things just won't change. I've had psychotherapy and I found it really helpful, I think it will be good for you.
Keep talking here if it helps. I hope you are ok  :hug2:
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. x