Author Topic: canít stop *trig SH*  (Read 445 times)

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Online purplebutterfly

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canít stop *trig SH*
« on: December 28, 2018, 07:23:11 AM »
This is taking a lot to write. Been visiting this forum for about a week, reading a few posts then dipping in my toe by replying to a post...

Where to start? I am 52 years old, with a wonderful husband, a part time job I love and an arm full of wounds & scars because I donít deserve any of it. I feel so very alone with my cutting. I thought SH started with that first cut  4 years ago. I know now that I have used all sorts of methods to harm myself over the years starting very young. But whenever I look for help online, or books to read I find material aimd at teenagers and young adults. I have been told that NHS mental health services wonít offer me any more help because I am currently cutting regularly and didnít respond to the CBT I had in 2016. I have an amazing GP who is helping the best she can, and is totally non judgmental, but I still canít / wonít stop.

So here I am awake in a hotel room with my amazing husband, who does know, asleep next to me, feeling so sad and wanting the comfort of bleeding yet again. Currently I am cutting 2 or 3 times a week, after having stopped fo 11 months. I am managing to stick to one area, but running out of space. I want to want to stop, but at the moment a big part of me needs this to keep going. I am scared the emotions I donít understand will overwhelm me so completely that I will break. Christmas brings to focus all the things I have missed out on by spending my entire life fighting the demons in my head. No children. Increasing debt. And knowing I will probably end up on my own. I have living relatives, but all interaction with them is damaging to me. Even my GP agrees. I have friends who are more family than my relatives, but when it comes to this time of the year they all have their own relatives with whom they have functioning relationships and that naturally comes first.

I guess what I need more than anything right at this moment is to know there is someone out there who gets this. Maybe if I can feel less alone in this I can learn to stop. And I am hoping sharing here will help me to move forward towards stopping. And that maybe writing all of this will mean i donít cut today. Or at least this morning..
ďPooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.Ē

Online Tucan

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2018, 02:08:35 PM »
Did writing this help? I also sh but haven't cut since April and haven't od since Feb 2017 so I am doing relatively well.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2018, 02:32:29 PM »
Thanks for replying. Sounds like you are doing well. 
It did help. Managed another 2 hours sleep after posting. So far so good for today. 29 hours. Most I have managed since I started again is 3 days.
Still taking up a lot of space in my thoughts. Makes me very tired.
ďPooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.Ē

Online Tucan

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2018, 05:15:10 PM »
It will do. It is hard fighting all the time. It is tiring. You have to give yourself credit for every little battle you win. If that's 5 minutes or 5 days, it doesn't matter. Both can be as hard as each other.

I find a lot of distractions helps me. My sister bought me Lego for Christmas which will come in good use as a mental health wellness tool when I next hit a bad patch.

Happy you got some more sleep.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2018, 06:20:51 PM »
Still managing. More tired.

I have found adult sticker books and my ipad games do help. Have my ipad with me and done a lot of games today. Your mention of lego reminds me of my geomag.

Really feeling frustrated with the exhaustion today. Went to the theatre last night and couldnít stay awake. My husband is really patient about it but I know it makes him sad. We are on a theatre break, so 2 more nights of shows. Booked before I got triggered into this bout of cutting. Think on balance being away from home for a few days is a good thing. Trying to see good things.
ďPooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.Ē

Online Tucan

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2018, 06:26:08 PM »
I have sticker books also. They help me. Trying to o see the good is also another positive step. One of my previous cpns tried to get me to see things more balanced and pointed out some of the positives I had in my life coming up such as a holiday with my sister. When you get down it is easy to look at only the bad stuff and you can get trapped in that cycle quite easily.

now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2018, 07:02:29 PM »
At the theatre. Wide awake. Gave up fighting and cut again. Seeing my own blood comforts me. And sense of relief.
Might mind in the morning. Might not.
ďPooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.Ē

Online Tucan

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2018, 08:24:25 PM »
Don't give yourself a hard time over it.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2018, 10:16:53 PM »
Stayed awake and enjoyed theatre more as the demons in my head were quiet for duration.
Still wide awake. Donít know how I feel. Emotions are not my strong point.
ďPooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.Ē

Online purplebutterfly

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Re: canít stop *trig SH*
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2018, 05:12:57 AM »
But of course now I am awake at 5 a.m. with pain and wondering why.
Why did cutting become a solution? Why am I not strong enough to stop?
ďPooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and other people look at it.Ē