Author Topic: Trapped - may trigger  (Read 279 times)

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Offline so sad

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Trapped - may trigger
« on: October 17, 2018, 08:50:14 AM »
 :maytrigger:

I feel so trapped and the only exit route is flashing 'suicide' right now.

My relationship of almost 25 years is rocky at best. Work is freaking me out. This morning I really thought I couldn't get out of bed and couldn't go into work but the thought of being at home with my partner was even worse (she is retired).

I want to self-harm because if I don't the suicidal feelings will just go through the roof.

I'm having DBT and yesterday's session triggered me massively. I have a 1-2-1 tomorrow but I find them really hard and very upsetting at the best of times.

I'm scared of how strong these feelings are  :(

x

Online Tucan

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2018, 10:12:10 AM »
 :hug2:. Sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment. Sounds like you are trying to stay safe but feel desperate.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline so sad

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2018, 02:23:22 PM »
That's it exactly - I'm not rushing into the suicide plan but I feel so desperate that I'm not sure how long I can resist it x

Online Tucan

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2018, 02:42:16 PM »
Bless you. Keep going and keep talking on here.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2018, 05:53:01 PM »
That's the trouble with therapy, it brings up very difficult issues but if you don't deal with them you'll never get past it. I know it's hard but keep going  :hug1: :hug2:.
How come work is freaking you out?
 I'm a dunce when it comes to relationships so I don't really know how to help but I can listen.  :hug1: :hug2:
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
RIP Bonnie - November 24th 2018
RIP Columbus - August 22nd 2018
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Offline so sad

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2018, 07:46:51 AM »
Thanks for the replies.

Work is getting much busier and I feel under a lot of pressure to know everything and get it all right. I work with 2 others, one is my manager. I'm lucky that she is very supportive but there is an expectation that I k now everything because I've been here the longest. My other colleague is a waste of time and space. When my depression and anxiety are at their worst (like now) I find it so hard to think straight and process stuff so I'm terrified I'll get something wrong and no-one else will pick it up. Fear of failing I guess.
Everything just feels too hard and too daunting and I don't think I can do any of it xx

Online Tucan

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2018, 08:23:36 AM »
Have you spoken to your manager about this?
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline so sad

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2018, 10:21:25 AM »
She knows about my mental health and she knows my depression has reached a new low recently. I haven't said much about it getting busier - she knows it is and knows I panic so I'm kind of assuming she is aware of it. I know I shouldn't assume and I should just be honest but to be honest, I'm so conscious of taking up her time that I feel bad for keep doing it. I'm needy enough, I don't want to be worse at it.

I do keep telling myself that I know the work, that I can do it but its on a big scale and its important stuff, it matters to a lot of people that I get my stuff right.

I would expect my anxiety to have peaked but not so sure about the depression.

I tried to be a bit more open with my partner but it doesn't help so I keep things to myself.

I've got my 1-2-1 DBT session this afternoon and I know its going to be tough. Just want to hibernate away :(

Online Tucan

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2018, 11:00:35 AM »
Good luck with your dbt. Talk to your manager. Yes you will take up her time but you will take it up in a positive way.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline so sad

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Re: Trapped - may trigger
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2018, 01:05:00 PM »
Thanks again - I have just emailed her because I had a meltdown in the ladies because of a request to do some new work. I've got the time to do it, I'm probably capable but because its not my usual stuff I am freaking out. I can't even look at it yet because I know it won't make any sense because my brain is in such a tangle. She said she'll work out what we need to do and then we can go from there. I know I'm dead lucky to have her but I do feel like such a pain in the backside.

I can't help but think that if I killed myself, she could replace me with a functional version. That isn't my only consideration for suicide but its a factor.

x