Author Topic: Why do i like it?  (Read 178 times)

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Offline galfly

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Why do i like it?
« on: October 04, 2018, 10:54:15 AM »
Hello all,

Ive been suffering major depression for the last 2 years due to an injury what has left me with chronic pain. I used to take opioid pain killers to manage the pain but did not like the side affects from them and the risk they posed to me. So have moved to a strong non-steroidal tablet

I tried to commit suicide a year ago (OD from opioid tablets) and struggle daily with the thoughts of doing it again. I have been given lots of tablets to help with the depression and slow my head down from hitting crises again and also attend behavioural activation classes once a week and have a open appointment at a mantle health clinic when needed.

I have self harmed for much of my injury time as a way to feel in control of my pain. In this time i have pushed my self in the gym to cause pain, do jobs at home and used to stab a needle in to the same spot on the back of my upper arm.

Over the last 3-4 months my head has been thinking about self harm, i think its more as a release and control aspect. Last week i got worked up over not being able to do the things i used to do with my kids i could not vent my frustration with my self in my usual ways. I then sat there after the kids went to bed at my desk working and all i could think about was could this be a way to control and distract my brain from it normal pain, rumination and also punish my self for not being grateful for the life i have. I took a tool apart and used one of the tools to make a cut on the back of my thigh were the Mrs wouldn't see. after doing it i felt relived and felt i could breath again. So i did it again.

The next day i didnt want to tell the Mrs but i knew i had to tell her because i cant keep anything from her as she has been with me through most of the dark times and i didn't want to start not telling her stuff and getting in to that trap. She has her own mental heal problems so understands to an extent but his i think is over her head and she doesn't know what to day what i dont blame her because before i had these problems i was like 90% of the population ( unable to understand why)

From then i have cut my self some more 1-2 cuts a day and the thing i dont understand is WHY DO I LIKE IT? i mean i have always caused pain to my self to regain some control and i understand to an extent i am doing that but why do often?  why do i like seeing the blood coming out like that is a representation of my inner struggle.

Im sorry if this thread is long and doesnt make seance i just have never been able to express this stuff with out a shrink trying to make me feel bad about it or friend and family giving sympathy ( what i dont like im 30 years old not a child with a scratched elbow)

Online Tucan

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Re: Why do i like it?
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2018, 11:24:26 AM »
 :hug2: sounds like you have been through a difficult time. Self harming can be addictive.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:

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Offline Vermilion

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Re: Why do i like it?
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 01:21:03 PM »
I can only speak from my own experience on this but it's not that I 'like' SH but it helps nonetheless, it's a relief and a validation that my problems are real. Perhaps it's the same for you?
RIP Clyde - November 25th 2018
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