Starting to feel 'ill'

[Tucan]

I see the cpn tomorrow morning and the pysch later this month. At the moment I feel ok again. My 'friend' said I seemed to be going a little high yesterday. I seem to have shifted that physical tiredness I had. I don't even know if there is anything wrong with me, whether I am worrying about something minor.

[Tucan]

My cpn is leaving! Argh. I have only just gotten used to her. I see somebody in 6 weeks but I don't know who I will see. Feel like I am in limbo now. I hate getting used to new people.

[Vermilion]

I'd be freaked out too, you haven't long had a new CPN. I know it's hard but you have got through this before. How did you cope last time?

[Tucan]

I am going back to my old cpn. The one I currently have I have only had since January. She was really helping me with the pip stuff and I am worried the original cpn won't be as supportive.

[Vermilion]

You could request a different CPN if you'd prefer, I think I can remember you posting that your old CPN was a bit pants. You don't want to go back to that again. (I could be misremembering though, I'm a bit foggy from pain meds)

[Tucan]

Think I am starting to bounce again! I have been a little silly at work, in a mischievous mood yesterday and wanting to go out and socialise and party (not my thing). I am still contained though. All I want is to have fun. I have slept really badly for the last 2 nights. It's been taking over 1/2 hour to drop off then I am waking up 5-8 times a night being up for up to 15 minutes each time. I wish my mood would decide which way it wants to go, go that way so I can deal with it and prepare for it. This being at the edge of my mood goinghigh or low is annoying me now. I want to know what to prepare for. I want to get the episode over and done with so I can continue on with life as normal. This oscillation business is draining.

[Vermilion]

It might be a good idea to have a crisis plan for each one so that you'll know what do either way. You are doing well and being honest with your CPN and taking your meds so you're doing all the right things. I can understand how this mood limbo must be frustrating, when I'm like that I can't even tell anyone because I don't know what I'm feeling. It's like being overtired, depressed and like being in speed or something at the same time. It's not a fun time. It's been going on for a while for hasn't it?

[Tucan]

It has been going on for a while! I am now frustrated with a friend. It is really annoying me. I am frustrated at being alone and there being nobody around to bounce off. I feel like a prisoner in my own flat. I don't have the money to go out and people don't come to visit me. So I am less bouncy and more irritable now. Just wish I knew which way my mood was going. I may start bouncing again once I have gotten over my friends slowing me down and halting a good mood. I am sick of constantly having to contact everyone else. My assessment with the social care people said I lacked empathy. I know I do to an extent but I try to emulate it with working out things logically. I just want fun, good company and to be happy.

[Vermilion]

You don't come across as lacking empathy. From what I've learned about autism is that while we don't pick up on things easily (we might not instinctively know that someone is upset for example) and though we don't know how to process emotions that doesn't mean that we don't feel empathy. Us pet owners are obviously very caring!

It must be frustrating to feel so bouncy and have no outlet. Could some exercise help? It doesn't have to be the gym but maybe going for a run or some power walking until you're really tired could help b**n some of the energy off?

[Tucan]

Think I am a bit calmer today. Running reminds me of being manic, and out giggly and out of control. Though I should get back into the habit of walking. But it is starting to get dark now and I have a bath when I get in and get changed straight into my PJs. I do need need to find a better outlet for it than drinking alcohol and hoping for sleep. I do care about my pets a lot. I feel bad if I let them down. That is when I can feel stuff as I did spend months not feeling anything! That was horrid. I been slightly louder and bouncier than normal at work but not sure if anyone has noticed. Just having cat cuddles now.

I want to be superwoman and shine. I want a hectic social with lots of fun. I want to go out and get drunk and get up for work the next day and carry on. I am bored of this enforced rest, where I have little choice but to stay in and do nothing and chill. I want to take on the world. 2 weeks ago I was struggling because my energy was that low I could barely move at times.