Author Topic: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)  (Read 429 times)

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Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2018, 10:33:15 PM »
They said to ring up between appointments if I need to hear another voice argue against the suicidal thoughts while Iím struggling to argue against them myself. But I find it very hard to reach out between scheduled appointments. I feel like Iím such a waste of peopleís time and I know they said Iím not, but itís hard to believe that.

Iíve been so snappy and vile in work today. Iím so unhappy and it keeps coming out as anger and irritability. Iím struggling so much coping being with A (the guy I had a Ďthingí with) now I know he is back together with his ex. I hate him and I love him at the same time and itís horrible. Itís making work a miserable place to be. Itís making me a horrible person to work with. Itís horrible because I love my actual job but this part makes me not enjoy it. And I know itís all my fault which just adds to my self hatred and unhappiness.

I am trying to do what care team ask me to do (with distracting from negative thoughts). I went out this evening with 2 friends (but Iíve been drinking which they advised me not to do), and Iíve arranged to go out with a friend in the day on Saturday.

Itís just all arrrgh and urrrrgh and rarrrrrr.
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Online Tucan

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2018, 07:55:36 AM »
Sounds like you are doing everything you can do to feel better. Keep reaching out on here and don't be afraid to reach out to your care team.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline Vermilion

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #22 on: September 29, 2018, 12:18:09 PM »
Is it possible to swap shifts or Dept's so that you work with that bloke less often? Less problems with work would help your overall mood.
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August 22nd 2018

Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #23 on: October 02, 2018, 06:30:34 PM »
Unfortunately there isnít another department or different shifts. We only open 9-5 and the nearest pharmacy owned by our company is a good hour commute each way on the motorway. Iím so conflicted between leaving my job because itís emotionally hard and wanting to stay because the job itself is pretty good.

I got a genuinely accidental b*rn the other day. It hurt like hell. The pain was pretty amazing though. I canít stop thinking about SH now. I want to b*rn and b*rn. I know I shouldnít. I know it wonít help long term. I know that my last b*rn took 4 months to heal and I almost needed plastic surgery. I know itís a bad thing all round. But still I crave it. Suicide is off the tables, but does SH have to be too? No one needs to see my ugly fat scarred body especially now itís turning to winter.

I keep drinking on my own in the evenings. Another thing I know is bad. I think in a way Iím hoping that I do do something risky/dangerous/irrational while Iím drunk. Dutch courage. My self destructive side is growing week on week.
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Online Tucan

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #24 on: October 02, 2018, 06:33:41 PM »
Bless you. Accidental injuries do make you want more. I hope you pull through this episode ok and reach a better place where you don't need to sh. Can you keep talking to your care team?
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline Rob

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #25 on: October 02, 2018, 09:48:14 PM »
You do yourself an injustice in your description, describing yourself in such terms - you should value yourself more.

Try not to start slipping down slopes, keep talking to your support about things, and remember that you have a lot to offer to the right people.  :hug2:
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #26 on: October 09, 2018, 09:02:49 PM »
So quite a lot yet nothing really has happened with me.

My CPN thinks my current difficulties were more psychological than psychiatric, ie she thinks there isnít much that a change of meds will do and that psychological therapy will be much more beneficial. She referred my case to the psychologist and amazingly itís all gone through quite quickly. Iíve been accepted to be assessed in person (I filled in a questionnaire initially) and I was offered an appointment for the 18th of this month, but I had to decline that one because of work. Currently trying to rearrange it. I was surprised it came through so quickly I thought I would be waiting ages.

I know that therapy could make a massive difference to my life and my coping skills. I also agree that Iím not depressed in a medical/c******l sense so meds can only do so much (Iím on the highest dose of my AD, which has been the most effective one Iíve had and I think Iíve tried nearly every one available over the last 20 years). But.. Iím quite scared of the whole therapy thing and Iím worried I wonít cope.

But all that aside I have perked up quite a bit over the last week. Iíve managed to get myself to do some positive things, like walk instead of drive places, socialise with friends, tidy my flat and garden, cook more meals from scratch and plan for the future (namely look at potential holidays). And I built some flat pack furniture all by myself which gave me a real boost and sense of achievement.

I have a few physical health issues that I need to sort and Iíve made appointments to sort them out. Physically I feel quite uncomfortable, tired and in a bit of pain but Iím not letting it get me too down.
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Online Tucan

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #27 on: October 09, 2018, 09:32:26 PM »
Bless you. Sounds like quite a bit has happened to give you thought. It's fantastic that the pyschology has come through so quickly. Hopefully with time you can continue to move forward
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline Rob

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #28 on: October 09, 2018, 09:51:52 PM »
I think that your CPN might be on the right track - meds can only address so much, and although they are vitally important can sometimes cloud your ability to cope in some other ways, so this might be just what you need. You're a capable person, and there isn't any reason why you wouldn't cope - especially as you can already assemble the dreaded flat packs! *obviously flat packs were designed for those of female persuasion*   :whistle:

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Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #29 on: October 11, 2018, 06:58:02 PM »
So today has been proper awful. Work has been horrible, I feel unwell and my back hurts really bad.

Then this evening I had my guinea pig put to sleep. She was 6yrs 10mths old. Iíve had her 6.5yrs. I feel so lost without her. My flat feels so cold and empty. I feel so alone.

Iíve told work I wonít be in tomorrow. I guess I might need to see GP for physical stuff and Iím going to try to see my SW for the emotional stuff. Life sucks.
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