Author Topic: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)  (Read 430 times)

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Offline terrified heart

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More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« on: September 06, 2018, 08:05:40 PM »
Iím finding life incredibly hard right now.

Iím being told by people that I seem very chirpy. Work have said Iím being really productive and easy to work with. Iím socialising a little bit more. I donít snap at people, Iím pleasant, friendly, helpful...

But... Iím unbearably sad. I come home in the evenings and I feel so unhappy. I have no desire to stay alive. I spend so much time daydreaming about how I can kill myself. How lovely it would be to feel myself slipping away from life. Pondering different methods. I have something in mind that Iíve never attempted before.

And then my mind wanders down the SH possibilities. I keep getting lost in memories of past SH and find myself longing for that sense of peace and serenity that only SH has ever given me.

I saw my CPN yesterday. The team had discussed changing my AP but the psych said he needs to do more research before deciding anything because of my previous high prolactin. There are very few APs that donít carry the risk of elevating the levels again. My CPN thinks the AP isnít causing me to feel how I do anyway. She thinks Iím depressed. Only Iím on the highest dose of the AD and out of all the ADs Iíve ever taken (which is pretty much every AD ever made) this one works the best. So we are stuck. CPN wants to get me assessed by the psychologist to see if therapy might help.

Anyway. This is how things are. Pretty sh*t, but I should be used to that by now.
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Offline Emmz

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2018, 08:46:52 PM »
Huge hugs hun  :hug2:   

Sorry Iím not much use but wanted to let you know Iím thinking of you xx
Living is a problem because everybody dies

Online Tucan

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2018, 09:09:49 PM »
I am sorry that things are still bad for you.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2018, 10:08:03 PM »
Thanks. The man at work who I stupidly fell in love with (even though I tried very hard not to) is back with his ex (the mother of his 3yr old) and even though I knew it would never work out between us it breaks my heart. I donít want to feel this way but I canít seem to switch it off. And itís not even his fault because he never made out that there was going to be a future between us but I canít cope with being around him because I feel sad every time we are together.

And I went out tonight to two separate events and got drunk but Iím already home even though itís only 10pm but I wanted to stay out and get smashed. So now Iím home alone and Iím not sober but not drunk either and I want to take benzos so I donít have to feel anything.

Itís all just sh*t and Iím sh*t and why the heck would anyone want a mess like me in their life anyway. And now I just want to chain smoke outside even though Iím not a smoker which just sums up how messed up I am.
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Offline Rob

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2018, 10:22:06 AM »
Affairs of the heart shape history - very difficult to control. It's better that he's returned to his ex now before your feelings became even more entrenched, and at the back of your mind you'd always have had the worry that he'd go back. There are other men around - give yourself time and options open, but don't waste your thoughts on guys that you can't have something good with - it was never going to last.  :hug2:

It's hard to block feelings out - especially after something to drink - alcohol makes it difficult to balance things in your mind and instead you focus on what's upsetting you. I almost smiled when you posted that you wanted to chain smoke outside - that's rebel talking from a non-smoker, not really messed up.

I hope that you feel a bit better today - you did well not to get smashed and do anything you might be regretting now.
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Offline Vermilion

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2018, 10:10:33 PM »
It's hard keeping up the faÁade isn't it?  :hug2:  I understand how you feel, I spend a lot of time thinking about death despite the happy face that I put on in public. 

It sounds like you had a tough time when you last posted, I hope you're OK.
RIP Columbus :bunny: :1027:
August 22nd 2018

Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2018, 12:51:18 PM »
Thank you both xx xx

I didnít drink anymore, smoke anything or SH. I just had a slice of toast and went to bed. The rest of the weekend passed by without incident.

My CPN thinks that seeing a psychologist will help me to cope with my feelings better instead of trying to mask them with meds or with self damaging stuff. Only thing is I saw a psychologist a few years back and we just ended up going round in circles for weeks until we just decided not to continue.

Work guy is on holiday this week, which is nice. Iíve not got to be around him for a week so I donít have to battle with my feelings every day. Iím so torn between not wanting to work with him anymore because itís so hard emotionally and actually loving my job and not wanting to give it up.
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Online Tucan

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2018, 02:47:56 PM »
Good luck with it all
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline terrified heart

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2018, 10:51:18 PM »
Iím so fed up of this bullsh*t life.

I canít tolerate these sh*tty feelings. Everything about my life makes me feel sad. I canít keep doing this. I canít keep going from one pointless day to another. Iíve been useless at this life thing since I was born. I was seeing a child psychiatrist when I was 4 ffs. And itís just been a succession of bad years since then. 1 step forward 49 steps back. Iím 37. If Iíve not learnt to cope by now then Iím surely never going to cope any better.

Sorry, I just feel crappy tonight.
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Online Tucan

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Re: More of the same... (trigs, SH, Sui)
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2018, 09:49:58 AM »
Life can really suck at times. What would you suggest to somebody else in your position? Not sure how I can help you but I wanted you to know that I am in a similar position and I am listening to you. There are times when life doesn't suck so badly and we need to hold onto those times.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'