Nearing the end

[terrified heart]

**TRIG Sui, death**

I’ve still got this feeling that I am nearing the end of my life. Now my holiday is over I’m left wondering how many more things I have left to experience. Will I be here for Christmas? How many more times will I see my family? Friends?

I’m scared of what the actual end will be like. Will it be scary? Painful? Will I go quickly?

I think chances are my cause of death will be suicide. I need to think it through properly. Put plans in place, but it’s scary. I don’t know how to do this.

I see my recovery worker tomorrow afternoon and then my CPN and psych on Wednesday. I’ll say all this stuff to them, but I don’t feel it will change anything.

[Tucan]

Bless you. Sounds quite scary. You need to talk about this. I hope your pysch and cpn can help you.

[Rob]

I think chances are my cause of death will be suicide. I need to think it through properly. Put plans in place, but it’s scary. I don’t know how to do this.

I see my recovery worker tomorrow afternoon and then my CPN and psych on Wednesday. I’ll say all this stuff to them, but I don’t feel it will change anything.

Please make sure that you do - without glossing over anything. These thoughts don't help you, they work against you. 

[Ginger]

Hello,
Was going to ask how you got on but then realised your appointment is later today! Really hope you get what you need from it, please take care.
Ginger xx

[Vermilion]

I hope that you managed  to get some help with these thoughts, they can be very scary, .

[Tucan]

How was it?

[terrified heart]

The recovery worker said my mind is unwell and telling me lies about dying. She thinks I can get past this and live a happy life again. I don’t think she is right, but I’ve agreed to give my psych and CPN a chance of helping to change things when I see them tomorrow.

I’ve cried a bit today. I can’t stop myself thinking about the end. Thinking about the things I still want to do and the things I need to sort out before I go. I really want to spend one last night cuddling up to someone, to feel that safety and affection and to feel some kind of love. Just for one night.

This whole thing is making me feel so sad. Every time I say goodbye to someone I wonder if it’s the last time I will see them.

I don’t know how the psych and CPN will be able to change any of this but I’ve nothing to lose by giving them a chance tomorrow.

[Tucan]

I hope it goes well with the cpn and pyschiatrist today. I am happy you spoke to your key worker and that it went ok.

[terrified heart]

Appointment was a disaster. I really wish I hadn’t gone. Psychiatrist basically said I need to snap myself out of this and make myself enjoy being alive. It’s made me feel more certain that this world isn’t for me. Everything he suggested I should do feels impossible and pointless. And I can’t be bothered to even try. I’m just going to plod on until the day arrives that I know it’s the right day to die. It’s pointless trying to find pleasure in anything now. It’s literally just a case of plodding on until I end my life.

I’ve said I’ll go round to my friends house on Friday and I’m absolutely dreading it. I just really can’t be bothered to try to do anymore than what’s absolutely necessary to keep going until the time comes that I can let go and die.

[Tucan]

I am sorry it didn't go well for you.