Author Topic: Nearing the end  (Read 306 times)

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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2018, 07:17:20 PM »
The truth is this...

Iím lonely. Iím alone by my own actions, but Iím still lonely.

I canít get close to anyone because no one deserves to have to suffer with my madness. Iím hard work. Iím unpredictable and moody and weird. No one should have to cope with that.

People become my friend easily but soon find me too hard to deal with. And I know this is happening or going to happen so I walk away, because itís better that itís me whoís hurt than anybody else.

Knowing that Iím unlovable makes my whole existence pointless. I want to be loved and to love that person back, but I canít and itís painful and sad and just too much to bear.
See something new, do something new, learn something new, go somewhere new... See what this world has to offer

Offline Vermilion

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2018, 07:26:30 PM »
I hate it when profs say stupid things like that, if we could 'snap out of it' we wouldn't need prof help. I'm sorry that,he's such an idiot but could you at least keep chatting to your recovery worker about how you're feeling? Don't keep it to your self.,

Would it help to try some MH specific groups? Maybe you'll meet someone who understands?   

I'm sorry that I can't think of anything helpful but I understand some of what you're feeling. :hug1: :hug2:
RIP my beautiful Columbus, you're at peace now. :bunny: :1027:

August 22nd 2018

Offline lilym123

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2018, 07:28:51 PM »
Sometimes I have to remind myself that how I see myself is not how others see me, sometimes you are not the problem, and believe me when it comes to overanalysing your actions towards others, I know what it is like.

You don't need to exist for other people, you exist for you, and that is not pointless. I hope you can realise this because even though I am saying this to you, I have yet to be able to do it.

Online Tucan

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2018, 07:36:46 PM »
I am lonely also. I think you are a fantastic person that tries very hard. You are lovable. Even if you don't believe it.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Ginger

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2018, 09:26:41 PM »
I am upset for you that those that should, have not been able to help you. Do you have someone - GP? that you find helpful to talk to? Or is there a local group like someone said, where you can meet likeminded folk - we are out there trust me! Until then keep reaching out on here, if you ever want to chat just say and I can be here x
I feel very lonely too and itís good when someone responds and you feel a little less alone but I am not having that you are unlovable! Please keep talking x

Offline Rob

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2018, 09:51:44 PM »

I can’t get close to anyone because no one deserves to have to suffer with my madness. I’m hard work. I’m unpredictable and moody and weird. No one should have to cope with that.

Partly the reason I searched for this site many moons ago was because that could have described my other half. It doesn't make you unworthy or unlovable, and sometimes I think the bond with such people is actually much stronger than those in apparently 'perfect relationships'. It can perhaps take more time to find someone who is happy to put that bit extra into a relationship, but don't deceive yourself that it can't happen - it certainly can. A lot is about your other half accepting that these things form part of the you package, and are able to give you support rather than judgement.
You're still young, supportive and intelligent, you have plenty of time yet to meet people, but if you let yourself be frustrated because you haven't found your right man yet, it's going to make you feel bad about something that you shouldn't feel bad about. Look forward to socialising, look forward to doing some things on your own, keep your mind and options open at the same time, rather than letting doubt cloud your mind. Letting thoughts such as wondering whether you're seeing people for the last time is only going to make you feel sad - that's not good for you. You can't just 'snap out of it', but you can do a lot to forcibly stop dwelling on things that make you sad, and that's cumulative.

 :hug2:
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2018, 01:03:06 PM »
Thank you all.

I have woken up feeling a bit brighter. I was angry at the psych yesterday because I felt like he was blaming me for being unhappy. Having slept on it I have to say he was right in many ways, although it was very tough to hear.

Had I have read your reply yesterday Rob I donít think Iíd have been in the right place to take it on board, but today I can understand what you and my psych are saying and begin to agree.

I know I canít just Ďsnap out of ití, but itís true that I can start taking little steps to improve things. I have been so focused on my bad thoughts that Iíve not allowed myself to think or do anything positive. I mean some things still seem impossible, but there are some small things I can start doing or letting myself think about.

My lunch break is over now so I canít type anymore, but Iím going to think of positive things I can allow myself to do and post again later.

Thank you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx
See something new, do something new, learn something new, go somewhere new... See what this world has to offer

Online Tucan

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2018, 01:46:48 PM »
Bless you. It is hard. I don't blame you being angry at the pysch. I hope that you can start to turn things around for yourself bit by bit.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline terrified heart

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #18 on: August 16, 2018, 07:16:03 PM »
Thank you Tucan. And to you all for your kind words xx

These are some things I have realised and allowed myself to acknowledge today.

I hate feeling out of control. I feel out of control in relationships, both romantic and friendships. I get scared of being close to people because I know I canít predict their behaviours. I donít know exactly how they feel about me and that causes me worry because Iím always on edge that I will do or say something wrong. Getting close to someone scares me because it involves risk and I am risk adverse because that means I have to let go of control.

I always think Iím the one that is to blame if things go wrong. Even if I can see that the other person has behaved badly I still turn it around to be my fault. That I must have driven them to it because of my faulty brain.

I hate to show any vulnerability or weakness. So I go all out to convince everyone around me that this is the life I have chosen. I go on all the time about how I love solitude and how I wouldnít want to put up with anyone in my life full time. How I would hate to have kids and a husband, or a career or responsibilities of any kind. I canít stand the thought of people thinking Iím alone because no one wants me, or that Iím sad to be so alone. People thinking that would leave me feeling vulnerable and make me feel weak and pathetic.

I guess if I donít let myself acknowledge these things then Iíll never be able to challenge them or turn things around. I think I need to write all that down to show my recovery worker. The thought of doing that makes me feel really uneasy and uncomfortable. Itís going to be so hard to let myself think about these things let alone say them to someone else. I know all this sounds pathetic, but I think itís affecting me way more than I like to admit.
See something new, do something new, learn something new, go somewhere new... See what this world has to offer

Online Tucan

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Re: Nearing the end
« Reply #19 on: August 16, 2018, 07:34:18 PM »
I think you are brave to admit it all. I struggle with relationships and I freak out if people get close to me. It's a lonely world isn't it.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'