Author Topic: Daughter doesnít want help  (Read 286 times)

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Offline AnxiousK

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Daughter doesnít want help
« on: March 10, 2018, 09:47:36 AM »
This is the first time Iíve listed here. I found out my 15 yr old daughter was self harming a year and a half ago but she told me sheíd been doing it since age 13. I was in shock and horrified Iíd missed this and suggested seeing therapist straight away.

Sheís seen two therapists with first being questionable and unhelpful and second was helpful to a point. She stopped going last July 2017 because she didnít want to go any more. She said she doesnít want help and doesnít want to stop doing it.

Sheís been b**ning (I thought with lighter tops but a friend has told me itís cigarettes) Last night I saw her arm and sheíd put a band of criss-crossed cuts all the way up. Almost looked like a tatoo sleeve. She had friends over and sociable evening so Iíve not said anything yet. Iím completely traumatised and feel absolutely worried out of mind. I asked her closest friend if it looks like it needs medical attention because I know sheíd be less defensive and more open to her looking.. friend said it is more extreme than previous but doesnít look infected or like it requires medical attention presently.

This escalation has occcurred right after school implemented high pressure measures to increase revision and grades for upcoming GCSEs. Iíve not put any pressure at all on my daughter as sheís experienced significant loss and abandonment by her father in a drip drip kind of fashion, which was root trigger for initial self harm if sheís been honest with me. She was always a very high achiever in school until total cut off from Dad in year 9, after which point I moved her schools because of bullying. Since then sheís met lovely supportive bunch of friends which I am so grateful for but school remains an extreme source of anxiety from what I can see.

I donít know what to do. She doesnít want any help and doesnít want to stop. I need to tell the school to back off and apply leniency to stop pressuring her but I also feel overwhelmed about that conversation. School are aware of the self harm and situation with Dad so I suppose it should be ok but Iím feeling so overwhelmed powerless and worried.

What can I do? What should I do? If she resistant to help should I force the issue at this point?

Online Tucan

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Re: Daughter doesnít want help
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2018, 05:59:14 PM »
I can understand why she doesn't want to stop. Self harm is her way of coping with the world. It is also addictive. If you take away her main coping mechanism what does she have left? Maybe she feels despondent with therapy as it hasn't worked in the past. Maybe try a different approach. Try going through the GP to see if you can help increase her quality of life, not necessarily stop the self harm as that may put her off going but to help her feel better in herself.
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Offline AnxiousK

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Re: Daughter doesnít want help
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2018, 09:33:50 PM »
I know itís her way of coping. I didnít say I donít understand and I didnít say Iím taking away her coping mechanism. I stated that she decided to stop going to therapist and doesnít want help. I supported her choice and didnít force it. I do listen to my daughter and respect her choices.

When I posted earlier I was beside myself and in deep shock from the trauma of seeing my beautiful daughterís arm the way it looked. I was feeling desperate and helpless about how to help when she doesnít want help. I was exhasperated with the school system being major contributory factor and feeling angry frustrated and resentful of their damaging impact on my daughter.

How will taking her to GP improve her quality of life any more than seeing a fully trained qualified experienced therapist? I donít find GPs particularly warm, empathic or understanding. Iím not convinced that experience would be beneficial to my sensitive daughter. Most referrals involve waiting lists, lack of choice and time limited intervention. Hence why we originally accessed privately.

How am I supposed to take her through GP anyway for further support if she DOESNT WANT HELP? You think sheís going to be open to the idea? I already posed that question anyway in case she might have wanted to after someone else asked if sheíd been yet and she does NOT want to go.

Please understand I am listening to what my daughter says. She says she doesnít want any help from anyone, GP, therapist, me or otherwise. I was asking how I can help within this context but it doesnít matter any more. I spoke to both my parents for a long time on the phone and they were very supportive.

I think I was in need of emotional support more than anything else when I posted. So then I can not be falling apart myself so then I can be a rock for my daughter.

After getting the emotional support I was in desperate need of, I was then able to just say to her that I am concerned having seen itís increased this last two weeks. I said Iím here for her if she needs to talk to me. I reiterated about coming to me if signs of infection or if she feels itís getting out of her control. I told her I love her. I was calm. I left it at that.

I only managed to do that because I was able to vent all of my own traumatic reaction and cry cry cry, shout and cry for a good two hours at the park on the phone to each parent.