Supporting me to support my girlfriend

[Midnight Rose]

Hello,

I’m reaching out because I am hoping someone will be able to help me.

My girlfriend self injures and I find it hard sometimes. I try to follow all the advice I’ve found (I’ve been searching for some time) but there are times when I fail us both. And I try to be compassionate with myself, and with her, but sometimes it’s very difficult.

My problem is, probably, that I definitely have a knight in shining armour complex and I don’t understand why she does it. I try and I do my best but I don’t feel understanding, it’s an academic exercise.

It’s an addictive thing for her, she wants to see a very specific thing, and this follows her until she fulfills the need. She says nothing specific triggers it and that’s why no therapy she’s tried has ever helped her. She is sure that her life will always be like this. The longest she can fight the urge is a few weeks.  She has tried every distraction technique but none work long term, she’ll always do it eventually. I know that I struggle to understand that. I want it to be caused by something that we can work with. I don’t understand how it isn’t triggered by an event, or an emotion, or some other obvious trigger.  I’m pretty sure I think there’s some trauma in there deeply buried that she’s trying to deal with, but can’t because it’s so deeply hidden she doesn’t even know it’s there.

This is exacerbated because I have had my own mental health journey. But I’m older by ten years and I kept trying different things and never gave up hoping that I could be helped, not cured, but that I could find a way to live a full life without the things that harmed me. For background it was drugs, alcohol, addictive spending, risky behaviour, sex, and even now I sometimes feel like my skin is too tight and want to scratch it off, but in the past I dealt with it by drugging myself rather than injuring. Eventually, I found something that helped, a totally batsh** crazy therapy called EMDR that I went into with the attitude of ‘well, what’s the worst than can happen, it doesn’t work just like everything else’. This was after more than twenty years of the medical system.  The medical professionals saying I’d grow out of it and that I had nothing to be depressed/anxious/irritable/exhausted about and being diagnosed and rediagnosed with this, that and the other when really I had something else again and I tried acupuncture, and herbalists (you never know, and I was willing to try anything) and GPs and meditation and yoga and running and so many therapists from so many disciplines. But picking myself up after each failure worked eventually for me. And academically I know that it is just my experience but I want so much for it to be her experience too.

I’m looking at it from the other side, as someone who was lucky and, while I’m not free, I’m ok. I want to shake her and shout ‘YOU NEED TO KEEP TRYING TO FIND THE ANSWER!’ at her sometimes. Obviously I don’t. I listen. I check her wounds and put steri-strips on (I’ve a medical background). I read and read the three (four) Cs. I just need help with my own frustrations and emotions about it, I hate to see her suffer and I know I can’t keep her safe and painfree and I need help to cope with that feeling. I need someone to support me and maybe advise me and help me to do the best I can.

Despite what I’ve made it sound like, it’s a very small part of our lives together and we have a wonderful relationship. I just know this is an area I fall down in and I want to address it now before it is a big part of our lives and maybe threatens our relationship.

I think I need help to marry up what I know to be true and what I feel to be true. And maybe someone to send ‘AAAARRRRRRGGGGGH!’ to confidentially and without strings.

Maybe I don’t even know what I need.

All suggestions very welcome. No matter how relevant they may be.

Thank you for your time reading this. I really do appreciate it.

[Midnight Rose]

I suppose I could sum it all up by asking for some help maintaining my lighthouse. Maybe from someone more experienced in the workings and idiosyncrasies of lighthouses. Or someone new to it too and we can muddle along together.

[Tucan]

Sounds like you are doing your best. It is never easy when somebody you love self harms. It doesn't always have to have a trigger. It can be habit forming and something you need to do on a regular basis just because. It doesn't always make sense. Sometimes all you can do is be there for someone which it sounds like you are. Also make sure you get support for yourself. It is a difficult journey.

[Midnight Rose]

Thank you Tucan. I appreciate your words of encouragement