Author Topic: the permanent state of "RECOVERED"  (Read 1025 times)

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Offline Mediocrep

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the permanent state of "RECOVERED"
« on: March 31, 2014, 01:27:35 PM »
(This is my first post and more of an introduction than anything. Sorry if I bore you all)
I haven't harmed myself since May 2013. Although I was recovering back then and this was a relapse. I haven't harmed myself in that routinely way since 2012.. you know what I mean, when it's daily, sometimes multiple times a day. When it becomes almost a ritual and the thought of going a day without it is enough to trigger you. So I guess I really am in "recovery". I'm sure you all know how much of a struggle this is. How the relapses feel so good you're tempted to fall back into the old ways. And how some bad, bad days are spent thinking of it and it alone, and you wonder if it'll ever stop. But most days are good days and most days I'm glad I've stopped.
The dark years I spent depressed flung me into the cycle of self-injury. Gradually, and then suddenly it was an addiction like no other I've experienced. And I have, I suppose for the purpose of survival, blanked much of those years from my head. It's like a vague dream where you can;t work out the details- just a blur of darkness and pain. And the person who's there does not feel like me- more like a stranger now. But sometimes those emotions feel all too familiar. Recently I found myself walking down the aisle of a supermarket with tears streaming down my face, blubbering like an idiot. (And I'm not the crying type). And this unexplained blubbering continued for weeks. And many a night was spent curled in a corner, crying into my fist clutching at a tool.
Thankfully I didn't relapse. But this was all too familiar- this thing I felt and the almost immediate act of looking to a tool for relief, and all the pain and tears- they are all from a life I thought I left behind. A life I thought I'd escaped and "recovered" from.
I guess my point is that, like any addiction, I don't think you can ever be "recovered" from self-harm. I can't imagine not considering it when I am in pain in the future. So I started recovery thinking, great, a few years and I'll be okay, cured, sane, whatever. The realization that this will be a lifetime battle is daunting. And the only thing keeping me fighting is knowing it's no longer a daily fight. The battle gets more spread out, less frequent, and hopefully, less intense. Are any of you well into recovery and have felt this? I'd love to hear some stories.

Offline Sian-May

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Re: the permanent state of "RECOVERED"
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2014, 01:45:03 PM »
 :welcome: to the forum.

Your story is one I think a lot of us can relate to. Well done for breaking the cycle, that's a pretty hard thing to do!

I've been SH'ing for 12 years and during that time I have had periods where my SH was very infrequent and sometimes I didn't even think about it. But then something happens and I'm back at the start again. It's a very hard thing to let go of, even though it's so destructive and you know you shouldn't really be doing it, quitting is tough like giving up a drug or something. I have no idea why something so harmful can be so addictive.

Last SH: 05.01.2016
Last purge: 16.09.13
Last OD: 30.05.15

Well done Super Sian! :superman: x x