Author Topic: a complete chapter from my book i have written mentions sh/etc *may trig*  (Read 1489 times)

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Offline caspers smudj

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my book is written as 7 chapters, each with 4 sections - the past, the present by me, the present by my counsellor and how i hope to feel in the future.
i thought i would share a chapter with you all


CHAPTER FOUR

SELF HARM

The past
Didnít start until about 2000 so not much
of  a past to mention.
Complete self hatred.  Need for mutilation
to make my ugly body uglier.
Not much idea why or how it began.  Just
found it easier to scratch.  Could never
use tools. 
Tried needles once but didnít like it.
 Donít like scratching but needles were
worse.  Pain inside was sometimes so
numb that I needed to make myself feel
it.  Causing myself pain was the option
I somehow took.




People said I was ugly.  So I hated myself
more and self harm became my Ďfriendí. 
A way of coping and dealing with what
others think of me. 
Taboo subject, but very real to me.
















The present
I find it a very difficult area to talk about. 
Often feeling that I let myself down.  I
have talked about it in counselling,
but not very often.  I feel sad and ashamed
that I do it.  I donít want to.
I do it where it can't be seen so I know itís
not an Ďattention seekingí thing. 
Iím finding some support from a self
harm network on the internet. 
That sometimes helps.
Thereís not much other support in my day
to day life.  If I tell someone, they just say
Ďwhat do you do that for?í or Ďstop ití. 
They donít know how hard it is.
Having the realisation of why I do it was
helpful - knowing it was because I
sometimes feel numb and need
to feel pain. 




It does not make it any more ok for me
though. I still do not talk about it much in
my counselling.  I often donít
tell Leah Iíve done it.  Not because I want
to keep it secret,
but just because I feel Iíve totally let
myself down.
I wish it would end.  I need to not do it
anymore.














The present - by Leah

It took courage for you to share that
sometimes you self harm and together we
have worked with your feelings on this. 
Thank you for your openness.
Through this I have seen a deep
wisdom forming as you shared your
realisations.
You have, through your own strength,
and personal process, developed strategies
and coping techniques towards self harm. 
You have joined a support group and
researched self harm to deepen your
own understanding.  I noticed through
your empathy towards others you have
helped them as fellow 'self-harmersí. 
You care. I also care.  I care for you in
this place and I am sad that you suffer
the pain of self harm.  However, I sense
that you now have a stronger sense
of SELF CARE and through self care
strategies you manage to care for
yourself in this place by your
own ways of self management.  I so
value you with this growth.
I hope that one day the self harm will be
in the past, but until it is I wish you the
continued wisdom and growth in self care
that has been truly amazing during our
journey together.
   I cherish you today and will always
do so.
                 X









The future
One day self harm will be a thing of the
past.  By then I will be a stronger person
that can cope with whatever life throws at
me! But for now, I will take it little step
by little step - Ďbaby stepsí, until the Ďone
dayí happens. I will continue to use the
NSHN (National Self-Harm Network), as
long as I need to. Cutting Back (a support
group for women who self harm), should
hopefully be up and running again next
year, so I will have support.
I want to look at myself as someone who
people like, not as ugly. 
I donít feel that now, but my aim is to
feel it one day.





I will always bear the scars of self-harm. 
When I stop it will be a testimony to
coping with it and being stronger than I
was when I started it.
I would like to be able to help and
support others because of my experiences.

ĎTHERE IS A WAY AROUND
EVERY CORNER IF YOU
LOOK FOR IT!'


   






There

Is

Always

A

Corner

To be

Found
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Offline caspers smudj

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just interested to know what people think of it if possible?
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Offline rainbow

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Wow,  :hug1:
That's fab x
With Love. x
Justice For Giraffes
How's it going today wee Mary? :;):
"Iíve been to the year 3000Ö.. Not much has changed but Freddo's are £40.

Offline caspers smudj

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thank your rainbow
xx
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Offline babylon5

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thats brill hun
 :hug1: :hug2:

Offline Lily Kym

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fantastic hun.  :hug2: :rose:
sure i'd responded to this last night?  :confused:

Offline caspers smudj

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thank you guys

now would you buy it??

im looking into getting published
xxx
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Offline Lily Kym

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I think the world of you hun, so i'm going to be honest with you. Yes i would buy it, but i dont think I could read it till i was a little stronger.
But i would want it on my bookshelf for when im better yes :hug1:

Offline caspers smudj

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i wouldnt want anyone to be triggered by it so that is areally good aim to have
got to get better so i can read mandys book
xxx
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Offline Lily Kym

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exactly ;D