Author Topic: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh  (Read 5592 times)

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Offline Jeep

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Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« on: April 13, 2012, 08:53:39 PM »
Hi,
Sorry but I'm new to the forum. My heart rate is racing. I've been a Self Harmer for 20yrs, but I haven't done it for the last 5 years until starting again last month. And it is now on the forefront of my thoughts again and I'm starting to lose control which really frightens me. I can see that i am sabotaging my friendships, work life and the relationship with my partner. But, the sh seems to be the best coping strategy even though I know it isn't. I can't go back to how I was 5 years ago. :help:
The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's ok to fall apart sometimes

Offline Dragonfly

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2012, 11:24:14 PM »
Hi Jeep  :wave:

Welcome to the forum.

Firstly, well done for posting, it's a good step, and secondly 5 years free - that's amazing. Try to think of that as proof that you can do it, and you can live without self harm. Sounds like you're having a relapse at the moment, which is scary, but you can get through it, and we'll always try to support you on here.

Couple of questions:
Do you have any pro support? Could you talk to your GP about your situation?

Do you know what's triggered your urges again?

Do you have ways to distract? There are lots of ideas in this forum (I think it's the creativity room)

Sorry didn't mean to bombard you with questions.

Post as much as you want (you're not obliged to answer my questions of course) but if it helps to talk about then please do. And if you just want to rant, feel free  :)
I see your true colours shining through
I see your true colours, that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours, true colours are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Offline Jeep

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2012, 07:06:46 AM »
Hi Dragonfly,
Thank you so much for replying.
I'm just feeling really low and exhausted at the moment. Been under a lot of stress at work lately and started drinking too much, which definitely brings out the worst in me. Started sh again as a punishment and release. But, it's all really frightening me because I don't feel under control now, which is different from my previous sh history where I used it to maintain control.
I went to GP about a year ago because I wasn't coping at work (I wasn't sh at that time) and he was really unhelpful..... "pull yourself together and get back to work". I don't think I could go back to him. I just need to get back in control. Maybe I do just need to "pull myself together".
Sorry, I'm rambling, my thoughts are all over the place, I'm losing control.
Sh still feels like the best option, but I don't want to lose everything
Confused and tired ::-\:
The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's ok to fall apart sometimes

Offline greenday

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2012, 07:30:24 AM »
dont be sad im here to talk  :hug2: and welcomre to the forom

Offline Jeep

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2012, 08:34:58 AM »
Thank you Greenday  :hug2:
The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's ok to fall apart sometimes

Offline Louise

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2012, 10:22:05 AM »
Hi :)

Can relate to a lot of what you said in your post, I have been free from what is generally considered self harm for a number of years now after it taking over many years of my life when I was younger, and reccently various factors (partly work, like you) have made me extremely tempted to go back to it, as it just seems the best way of coping.

I'm sorry your GP was so useless, sad that even in this day and age some professionals still have such an archaic view of stress/depression etc - you'd have thought things would have moved on a bit! Would you consider going back and perhaps requesting to be seen by a different doctor? Appreciate it can be difficult to even get an appointment these days, let alone with a particular individual, but it may be worth looking into? Most practices say (on their website, or posters in the surgery etc) the specific interests of each GP....hopefully your practice may have one who has an interest in mental health stuff?

Don't get me wrong, 'pulling yourself together' and just burying yourself in work and hoping it'll go away could work - but i'm guessing that isn't going to work this time. Maybe the reason you have ended up going back to self harm is partly because you have being trying to just 'get on with it' for so long without anyone giving you the correct support.

What are the things you feel you are going to lose by continuing with self harm? Obviously I am not advocating hurting yourself, just sounds like part of the pressure and worry at the moment is the idea of everything you could lose if you are self harming - would it help to talk about that?

Is taking some time of work (as a holiday, not a medical thing) an option while you try and get yourself together?
There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I, we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late

Offline Jeep

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2012, 11:18:56 AM »
Hi Louise,
Thank you so much for posting.

I am absolutely astonished that people have responded to my post. Thank you so much because this has given me an opportunity to voice some of the thoughts that have been jumbled up in my head.

Louise, please don't return to sh, it is a horrible slippery slope. I thought that 1 sh would sort it all out but it's just opened the flood gates to many more.

Your view point on the fact that I have been just trying to "get on with it" is so right, but I didn't realise it.

I cried whilst reading your post, which I haven't done in so many years because I've just been bottling things up. I'd forgotten how to cry, which I know doesn't make any sense at all! I'm worried that you might think that me crying is a bad reflection on what you have written, but I really want to assure you that it is the exact opposite. I really value the points/suggestions that you made and I am again astounded that you would spend your time writing such a thoughtful response.

Unfortunately, a holiday from work is not an option at the current time.

I need some time to consider your points further.

 :mademyday:
The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's ok to fall apart sometimes

Offline Dragonfly

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2012, 11:04:10 PM »
Hi Jeep,

Sounds like you're beginning to release some of your pent up emotions  :hug2:

I know you've got a lot to think about, and you may well know this already, so sorry if it seems obvious, but it just occurred to me to say that if the GP route isn't working well for you, there are other routes to help. The related links page on the main NSHN site has a list of some of the organisations that may be useful. Some provide free services and some you may need to pay for (for example, if you decided to see a counsellor outside of the NHS there may be a fee. I think Relate counselling fees are means-related).
Anyway, that page is here: http://www.nshn.co.uk/links.html

Hope you're keeping safe  :hug2: :hug2:
I see your true colours shining through
I see your true colours, that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours, true colours are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Offline Lily Kym

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2012, 12:35:11 AM »
 :welcome: to the forum hun.
it may be worth seeing a different GP, someone who's a little more understanding of MH issues?

How are you feeling now? x

Offline Jeep

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Re: Confused, am I doing the right thing *sh
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2012, 12:56:54 AM »
I'm in a really bad way. sh +++
The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's ok to fall apart sometimes