Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?
Because I know it'll bring me calm, I'll stop shaking, I won't feel like I do
What has brought me to this point?
I called someone now (coz' do whatever is suggested, yeah, right), and was more honest with this person then have been with anyone ever before, and feeling really vulnerable, and just feel like I deserve to mess up and need to mess up
Have I been here before?
Yes. Many times
What did I do to deal with it?
Only way I've ever dealt with it is by lying in bed curled up listening to music banging in my ears holding a heart cushion, can't do that now, coz', don't have earphones
How did I feel then?
Didn't feel then, that was the point. Did it always until slept. And would take hours for me to calm down
What have I done to ease this discomfort so far?
Answered this. Emailed someone honestly.
What else can I do that won't be acting out?
Call people. Should. Just, can't coz' don't deserve to.
How do I feel right now?
Confused. Vulnerable. Alone. Really vulnerable/exposed
How will I feel when I am acting out?
Calm. Relieved. Okay. In sync - messing up is what I deserve
How will I feel after acting out?
My head will be more of a mess. Now it's not such a mess, I just want this to stop, and it has been a mess for so long. I think I'll feel despair, hopeless, worthless, and still alone and vulnerable
How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Really messed up
Can I avoid this stressor or deal with it better in the future?
No. Being honest inevitably makes me vulnerable. And why I'm feeling more like it now is coz' he is trying to do something for me, and I don't deserve it and have to prove that I don't. Can't think of how to change that in future. It'll probably always be this way. And I think I'm dealing with it pretty well.
Do I need to act out?
I don't know. I feel like I do, but in the past when I've thought it was impossible not to I've gotten through it somehow without, and if then I didn't maybe now to I can get through this without. And really acting out won't help me any, will just bring me closer to the edge, which I'm close enough to already. I do need to act out, but, god doesn't need me to.