Author Topic: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*  (Read 80058 times)

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Offline wolfie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #90 on: January 08, 2011, 12:04:56 AM »
I haven't self harmed in 4 years but for a while, it played a big part in my life, in fact, it dominated my life.

At the core of the reason I self harmed is the fact that I struggle with, and have always struggled with, low self esteem. I am very critical of myself. This makes me withdrawn and shy because I often am feeling ashamed of myself as if I am not good enough to be seen in public and this makes me avoid other people. As a result, I have no close friends outside my immediate family.

I remember when the feelings of low self esteem began. I was about 11 or 12 years of age and I was being bullied in school. That same year, my only friend died at the age of only 12 years. I felt very overwhelmed by the situation. I started pulling my hair out until I had a bald patch on my head. I also started becoming bullimic and I thought I was fat (when I look back at photos, I was a very slim girl, I have no idea how I thought I was fat!). I was just a confused and upset young girl who had not yet learned good coping skills with the sh*t that life can sometimes throw at you.

My teenage years are a blur of binging/vomiting/binging/vomiting. The more bullimic I became, the uglier I got as my face got swollen and white from the stress of bullimia. The uglier I got, the worse I felt about myself.


When I went to college, I thought I'd have a clean break and make a couple of friends for myself. It was very difficult. I was painfully shy, I couldn't make eye contact with people due to shyness and I found it almost impossible to have a normal conversation - as soon as I opened my mouth to talk to someon, I'd start worrying that I was saying something stupid and then my mind would go blank and I'd start repeating myself or mixing up the words in my sentence and saying a senence in the wrong order. I started drinking to take away the shyness. I discovered that getting very drunk, out of my headd drunk, made me forget how miserable I felt so I started getting very very drunk very often. People in college started paying me attention because they were starting to get worried about me. But I ran away from the attention. I wanted attention because people respected me, not attention because people pitied me. That kind of attention left a sour taste in my mouth and I ran away from their concern and shut myself off from them.

As I graduated from college, after a blur of failing exam after exam due to poor study skills, too much starving myself and not eatin and general poor coping skills, I managed to find a job. Once more the poor coping skills reared its ugly head. I struggled to keep up with my job and then i discovered my brother had cancer. My dear brother. That was the last straw, I could not imagine life without my brother. I felt like I was cracking up. Unfortunately, I did crack up. I tried to kill myself and very nearly suceeded. While I was recovering from the operation after the suicide attempt, I vowed never to do anything as disgusting as that again. However, a boundary had been broken and I started to use self harm as a coping mechanism to the fact that I felt completely out of control with my life and I felt i could not cope with even the simplest things. I had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, hospitalisations before eventually I saw the light and stopped self harming because people were just treating me like i was crazy. Putting me on medication, putting me in hospital. WHen all I need was a bit of help with the practical aspects of my life so I could cope a bit better with stuff and not always feel like a complete miserable failure. Luckily, I have finally had that help from my parents and if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be alive. I thank God for my parents, they have saved my life.
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Offline MidnightAngel93

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #91 on: May 16, 2011, 07:40:04 PM »
 :trig:

I started comprehensive school and thought it would be different. that no-one would pick on me. I was so f**ing wrong.
I was in year 7 I had my hair cut and instantly got crap for it. Then as I moved up through the years it got worse. I told countless teachers and nothing was done.
Three weeks into the start of year 9 I got punched in the face and in the chest coz I said No to a girl who told me to shut up.
I got home and refused to say anything until my sister who was 12 at the time told my parents everything she was stood by me and watched as I did nothing to defend myself. My parents called the police and were shocked when the officer said I was assaulted. I cried for hours thinking about it. I went to bed that night and hurt myself with something that I had hidden under my pillow I have no idea why. I carried on until my arm was bright red then put a cold compress on it and cried myself to sleep. The pain was like a high
Then I discovered My c******l Romance, whose album Welcome To The Black Parade helped me though the rest of year 9 and the constent bullying.
Year 10 - The bullying got worse instead of stupid names and remarks about my hair and music choices. People started to make fun of my body and weight. I'm not exactly confident but with every name I could feel my heart break, I never knew people my age could be so hurtful. I told teachers and even my head of year and I may as well have said nothing, I went home as usual and hurt my arms where no-one would see the scars. Then moving into year 11 I had a breakdown, I couldn't handle it! The pressure of exams and constent bullying. I cried until my friends phoned my parents who then booked an appointment for the doctors.
I went to the appointment and was referred to a child physchologist. I was then told three weeks later that I had borderline depression. I got home and cried I didn't know how to take it in. I was 15 and suffering from borderline depression. I cut myself over and over until reality dawned on me.
I was so upset and felt I was letting everyone down. The school was told and the deputy head teacher, helped me whenever I needed her. I remember two weeks after I was told I ran out of class due to people calling me names and refusing to leave me alone even when the class teacher told them to stop.
I'm now in college and everything has changed I feel like I fit in, but I still get picked on by my alleged "Best Friend" about my choice in music.
Yesterday evening I broke down in tears as I was so confused and stressed about everything. I went to bed and pulled my tool over my wrist again and again until I felt sick from the sight of my own blood.
Today my wrist is still hurting and I can't do much about it.




  :icon_arrow: Edited to remove names of tools / method sharing ~ Bea
« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 10:15:30 PM by Bea »
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Offline crystalbeth

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #92 on: June 05, 2011, 03:38:27 AM »
 :trig:

Before I start I would just like to say how absolutely heart-wrenching it has been reading about how other members have ended up self-harming, especially those so much younger than I am :( I wish I could just hug you all. (Sorry if that is inappropriate- my care worker thinks I have some abandonment issues that make me over-empathetic but I am just being honest as to how I feel.)
I started to cut myself at around 13. There were a lot of family issues back then. I found self injury to be the only way to let my feelings out, to express myself, especially because my family decided it was "for the best" that I wasn't fully informed as to what was going on. The thing is, kids hear and understand more than adults let them know. I knew something was wrong but I didn't understand why. I was first sent to the doctor at around age 17-ish (forgive me, my memory of these times is quite hazy). That was when the self harm was the worst, too. Once I cut so deep I could see the white stuff underneath the skin but I never sought help for that. My thighs are covered in big scars.
I have managed to stop cutting a few times, for about a year at a time. But it always comes back. I'm 24 now, haven't cut for a few months (hitting and bruising myself though, but in my mind that's different..). The desire to harm is still strong in me though. That's why I have started using this forum. It's so hard to resist.

meus angelus

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #93 on: June 16, 2011, 02:45:15 PM »
Hello there everybody  :1059:s for telling your stories as its hard to do though i think that it helps to get it all out.

 :trig: will probably trigger for self harm n suicide

the first time i can remember cutting myself was when i was 18 about 6 months after my dad died.  it was just after christmas and i was missing him so much as he was like my best friend. i was in my a level year also at school and the pressure of the exams was really getting to me.  although i was seeing a counsellor at the time i couldnt cope and resorted to hurting myself.

i done relatively well im my a levels getting an ABE however it wasnt enough to get into the university i wanted and thererfore i thought i had no other choice but to move to england.  this is when things got bad, i had depression hardly any friends no family support and the self harm got so bad doing it daily really, needing stitches too. and i tried to kill myself a number of times too by taking numerous overdoses.  i didnt feel that i could go home as i didnt want to dissappoint everyone.


but in easter i finally told my mum about the self harm and depression and she brought me home, things werent great when i got home but my mum managed to get me some help by seeing a pychiatrist and pyschologist etc. i then started to pull myself out of this and what really helped was getting a new job in nov 2009 it give me a good confidence boost. :) and the self harm has been really less and im now 10weeks free and doing good in my new job :)

thats all really i suppose

Offline BrownBear

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #94 on: July 24, 2011, 02:00:50 AM »
 :trig:


Right.

I can trace my Self Harming back to maybe 4 or 5. I can very clearly my parents going at it having a full blown domestic, things being thrown about, shouting, swearing, hitting. I remember standing just outside the door way of the room they were arguing in banging my head against the wall repeatedly. A proper stone wall too. I remember it hurting, but I kept on going for some reason. I think at even that tender age I realized that pain could be a bit of a distraction to lifeís problems.

My early years at primary school werenít too brilliant for me either. I had a habit of escaping. Iím told that one day I made my way to a live rail way and was found sitting on the tracks, crying. I guess going by that maybe you could say my first sui attempt was at 5 or so? :D

Anyway, my parents ended up breaking up when I was 7 or so and long story short, I said goodbye to the nice house that I had grown up in, I said goodbye to the school that I eventually learned not to run away from and the friends that I had and ended up in a rough council estate and the type of school youíd associate with it. In truth, it wasnít that bad I had friends and was relatively accepted.

Things went down south when I went to Secondary school. I had immensely bad anger issues. Mix this with me being chubby and being a little weird (like googling ĎHow to take over the worldí in IT lessons) I was made a target of by bullies. I made things worse by my inability to keep my mouth shut, so Iíd wind these bullies up, but then when it came to crunch time I wouldnít fight back because I was scared of hurting my hands!

My SH started again at maybe 11/12, again, completely unaware of what I was doing as why. Iíd run a piece of string through my teeth/gums and kept on until I tasted blood. I can remember now that I was addicted to the feeling of my heart going a mile a minute and endorphins flowing.

At around this time I went into some vague counselling and ĎAnti Bullyingí rubbish to try and control my anger and It worked. Sort of. All it did was meant that my anger was bottled up and I would release it at stupid times at people who didnít really deserve it, namely my mother and brothers at home. Many times have I COMPLETELY trashed my room in anger.
 
Then at 13/14 I graduated to cutting and began cutting the skin off of the soles of my feet. To be honest, I donít know why I did it.

I didnít do that for too long. I was Ďbulliedí, mocked and wound up for the rest of my time at secondary school. I was looking forward to going to college and getting my chance at a clean slate where I could reinvent myself.

And I did! I got in with the popular crowd, I was invited out to go shopping and go to parties, and talk to girls (I went to an all boys school so Iím not well versed in that subject ;)) and generally did stuff that I never thought Iíd do, but I still wasnít happy.

At around this time my best friend and the only person from school I kept in contact with began to S/H. I gave it a go with and letís just say, I wasnít impressed. I didnít see the point what so ever. It didnít help me cope any better at college (funnily enough, there wasnít anything to cope with, but thatís by the by), I ended up dropping out.

Just after dropping out, I remember me and my mum having an argument. I stormed to my room with thoughts of wrecking it, but for whatever reason a tool was lying around and it caught my eye. Instead of wrecking my bedroom, getting kicked out of the house and having to do the entire begging act to get back inside, I took that tool and I cut myself instead. I used it to release all of the tension and anger that was just about to boil over, and it was great. It then became my coping method for my anger very, very occasionally.

One day I was wearing a short sleeve t shirt around the house and my mum noticed the scars and completely flipped out. I told her that I got them from working on a car, but I know she knows. The only time she brought it up was one day a few years ago, Iím again in short sleeves with hear waiting to collect a pizza, she looks at my arms and said ĎItís a real shame you had to do THAT to your armsí which knocked me back a bit, especially seeing how completely random the comment was. Sheís never spoken to me about it (which is surprising, I thought she would be quite open minded, even though I donít want to talk about it). My dad is... well... not a very nice person (thatís the only way I can describe him without breaking the swear filter :p). He knows  too. We were at a pool club when he pulled up the sleeves of my shirt, pointed out the scars and asked ĎWhat are these? Do you cut yourselfí. I remember it being just about the most awkward situation. Heís never brought it up since, but we donít speak.   Anyway, Iím rambling.

Iíve never been a particularly happy person in my teenage years. Iíve had a couple of rubbish attempts at sui in the period above as well. Itís always the same things. Anger, loneliness and complete and utter self loathing. 

The SUI thoughts have never left and lately, theyíve come back with a vengeance. I canít remember a day where I haven't had an urge. Yesterday I SHíd for the first time not out of anger, but as a coping mechanism and Iíve followed in the foot steps of my father and taken to drinking maybe a little more than I should.

I certainly hope that this isnít the beginning of an even darker stage of my life :(.

Offline Faded~Lady

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #95 on: October 16, 2011, 06:32:56 PM »
I'm 31 but look a lot younger.  I started selfharming about 15 years ago when my moods first started playing up.   I first got help for my depression when I was 20. Since then I have got through a few different types of antidepressants.  Now on mirtazapine which I am trying to stay on.  I cut on and off for a few years on and off then a scattering in my 20's.  Over the last few years the insomnia and anxiety which accompany my depression peaked big time and its been a horrible year.  I started cognitive behavioural therapy in July.  It doesn't seem to make a lot of difference just yet.  About 5 weeks ago I found myself cutting again a couple of times.  Feel as though I'm back to where I started and even more isolated and alone this time.  I'm not sure whats stopping me but clearly I'm not ready to give up yet, even though I come close at times.  ::-\:

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Offline Broken Wings

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #96 on: November 13, 2011, 01:02:07 PM »
 :trig:I started s/h at the age of 15,i was S/a from a really young age,by people that should of loved me not used me.I thought it was the norm it was what people did as love,i disclosed at 15,and was placed into care,told that it would be okay and i would be safe,i wasn't :trig:i took an o/d, s/h,and for that i was locked up,restrained and forceabily medicated,i survived put it all behind me,got a job,flat had my daughter was okay,i did have pnd,but it was to be expected. Last year i had an accident where i was trapped not for long but long enough to bring back memories of that other time and place,physcially i was a mess my daughter took care of me,when i became more able,i slid down in to depression,was put on Ad's they didn't suit me made me suc,was put on different ones which suited me,i began to think yeah maybe it's past,and i will be okay. I lost my grandad in july this year,he was everything to me my mum,dad,friend,i could tell him anything he was always there,life without him seems empty/pointless,each day the pain of his passing gets worse,at first i drank to numb,stop the nightmares that haunted me,one night i felt so bad i got a makeshift tool and cut myself,i felt relief,light,free,then i'd feel gulity and do it again and again to punish myself for being weak,to trust and let others help is such a big deal to me,i have my gp and thearpist who i trust,i post on here,totally new experience for me i'm 39 and no spring chicken,but age isn't a number but a state of mind,i'm still trapped in my head as i was at 15 even though i'm a mother now i still don't feel grown up my life was taken from me and there is no getting it back. That's me :hellokitty:
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Offline howling

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #97 on: December 30, 2011, 02:31:26 PM »
i was forcibly moved from my hometown to a new town when i 8 and didnt get on with the new  kids in school. i became bad tempered and aggressive and would frequently hit a wall with my fist and knuckles. was taken to an educational psychologist who i punched and never went back. my mother is a control freak and always brushed everything under the carpet. never wanting to talk. i was a naughty child always getting into fights and skipping school. i smoked when i was 12. i found myself then bashing my knees with heavy objects. ive torn ligaments doin both. i used to also b**n myself with my cigs. while i was at school i was violent and attacked a girl with a pen. it went in my hand and i still have the scar. at 14 i ran away from home because the fights with mother were unbearable. id gon for 2 weeks. living rough i got assaulted. the police found me and took me home. i held a tool to her and threatened to kill her. after that i went to a couple of homes before living on my own. i also took an overdose which landed me in hospital at this time.i had disastrous relationships. with girls and boys cos im bi. wen i was 17 i met a bloke and got engaged. he beat me badly that after 7 years abuse i managed to escape. sadly back to my parents. till i could move out agen. the cuttin started not long after that and has continued on and off till now. im 38, now in a stable marriage with two children. and as you can see here still struggling with depression and sh and od. :trig:
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Offline Worried Friend

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #98 on: December 30, 2011, 11:39:40 PM »
OK so I've been building up to writing this.

When I was 7 or 8 ish I started having these flashbacks, recurring memories, dreams etc. which i wasn't sure if they were real or not about being abused by my male babysitter when  was 4/5 ish. I never spoke to anyone about them because I was worried that if they weren't real thay I'd look crazy. About this time I also began having these crippling fears about infinity of space and time (I would have what  realise now were panic attacks, at the time I had no idea). These things were fairly prominent for a fairly substantial period and usually happened at night when I was trying to sleep. They dimished for some time but were always niggling in the back of my mind. When I was in year 8 at secondary school my so called friends began to show their true colours. They psychologically bullied me, ignoring me, getting me to do work for them, laughing about me in front of me, teasing me in what they called a "funny" way. Then when I was in year 9 my Nanna died. This brought back all the fears of infinity again. I tried to hold my feelings in. I only cried once when I was at school the day after I found out (I was sent home for the rest of the week) until I saw her coffin being brought into the church. I don't really remember any of the service because I was crying throughout. I refused to stand by the graveside and sat upstairs alone during the wake. After this is when I first began sh'ing. At this point it was mainly superficial and extremely sporadic. My mum saw a cut on my leg once which she asked about and I made up a story to cover up. My main coping strategy at this point was over eating. Towards the end of year 9 I began distancing myself from the girls I knew as friends and my life began to look up. I made good friends, did well in school, got a job, got into university and moved away from home. During my first year of uni I struck up a close friendship with a girl that lived in my dorms and did the same course. One night she was very upset about the death of her grandfather and confessed to sh'ing to cope. I became her support and she eventally confessed to being abused as a young girl by her Aunt's new husband. I helped her to get counselling and to find other ways of coping. During this time I never confessed to her about my own issues which were coming back to the surface due to the similarities in our stories. We struck up a close relationship which in was built on trust initially. We both hurt each other over the next couple of years through denying our feelings for each other (me more than her) and during this time of denial I sh'd, over ate, under ate, anything i could think of to gain a little bit of control. But eventually I accepted my and her feelings and we became a couple. We were extremely happy and moved in together a few months later (we'd lived together for our entire time at university so wasn't a huge step). 8 months after we moved in together she ended it saying we felt more like friends. I was distraught. At this point I resisted the urge to sh and began over eating again. We had to continue living together for 5 months until our lease was up, I then moved into central London alone. She visited my flat once and I think we saw each other twice after that when she texted me saying she couldnt deal with being friends anymore a week after my dog passed away. Again I struggled with my emotions and sh'd again and begain over eating and drinking a lot. After I was promoted just over a year ago I began to turn my life around, got better control of my diet, excersised, got over her and began dating again. This is when i met Martin, we hit it off immediately but he is in the Navy so we were hesitant to start anything serious. Which brings to me to where I am now, alone and sh'ing because I'm missing Martin, have no dea where he is or how he is, saw my ex recently for the first time since the text, my Great Uncle passed away and I'm under a lot fo pressure at work.

I said I've been bulding up to writing this because I've never put all of this together anywhere other than my head and anyone who reads this will be the only people to know everything, not my parents. best friend, my ex...
Be who you are and say what you feel because people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind.

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Offline wild-n-wondaful

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #99 on: January 27, 2012, 04:27:27 PM »
 :trig: my story sounds very pathetic compared to alot of people who have been through serious assaults and abuse but here goes...
 :trig:
in the past i took an overdose when i was 15, but it wasnt really to kill myself it was more a cry for help, but on one late afternoon in june 2011 i was sat alone in my room and i was in a very scary place, i felt scared and alone i cant ever describe the feeling, i took several objects and tried to cut but nothing work, i found a tool broke it and drew blood the felling of pain and relief was amazing.

i have some 'family problems' i dont see my dad any more because hes let me down so much and i dont want to be let down again, i feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the pain i have caused to him but i dont think hes aware of how much im hurting.

Im not going in to the specifics comments but i have been told many times ive broken his heart etc and professionals have said that if i was under 18 then what he says to me would be classed as emotional child abuse.

for the past 6 months the harming has spiraled out of control, i have overdosed with the intention of dieing 4 times and both arms wrist to elbow are covered in scars. The longest ive gone is 13 days with out harming and the feeling is amazing, but then you give in and you feel like your right back at the begining again and that youve let your self down

my harming is my big secret only 3 friends, school and one member of my family no parents and all other family are completely oblivious.

although the relief and the creation of physical pain instead of emotional pain is good sh is the biggest regret of my life, the scars are so ugly and because i havent stopped harming there is nothing the doctors will do about them

the only thing that has started to help is driving when im stressed as well as drawing and writing, i also wrote a letter an b**nt it which felt pretty amazing

i need to stop before its to late :'(

one day every thing will make perfect sense, until then, laugh at the confusion,  smile through the tears and remember... Everything happens for a reason

everything will be OK in the end... if its not OK, then its not the end!