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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Survivor Room => Topic started by: Vermilion on January 30, 2020, 03:00:08 PM

Title: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on January 30, 2020, 03:00:08 PM
My current CC is leaving, so I feel quite anxious about it. I guess that I'm a bit worried about getting a really crap one that might mess things up and it's hard to open up, when I do open up they leave.

I could handle that by itself but there is also the issue of deciding what to do next. DBT modules don't seem to be the best treatment at the moment because I'm getting really overwhelmed and it's a struggle to keep myself 'safe' and now that CC is leaving I'd have to attend the group which is impossible for me (she's the only CC/CPN with training who can do 1 to 1) So what's next?
A referral to psychology was briefly mentioned but I don't even know what that's supposed to achieve nor what it involves. Plus, how can I open up to a stranger if they ask about the past?

I feel like I'm at a bit of a loss and I'm just struggling to process it y'know? I have something else that's bothering me to (I'll post that in a more private room) and it's just adding to the stress and worry. It's hard to describe how I'm feeling, maybe overwhelmed? :/
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on January 30, 2020, 04:36:11 PM
It is hard when these people change and your treatment plan has to also. Just when you were getting somewhere with this person.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on January 31, 2020, 02:38:34 PM
I feel like I'm at an impasse, it seems that my brain is do messed up that none of the standard treatment seems to be working. Knowing that my condition is life long I can't help wondering if I'll ever get out of this sh** heap that my life currently is.
I struggle so much to open up with others and it's a shame when they leave. And not knowing what's next is worrying me. I'd say that it's the uncertainty that's worrying me the most.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on January 31, 2020, 02:56:39 PM
I totally get that. Change and uncertainty is very hard to deal with. Even more so with autism. Just keep talking about how you are feeling.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on January 31, 2020, 03:26:27 PM
It is but change is always going to happen and I just wish that I had better skills to cope with it. It also feels like that there's very little help for adults on the spectrum. Here I go again.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on January 31, 2020, 06:00:04 PM
Skills take time to learn.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 02, 2020, 02:30:42 PM
I just feel like I'm stuck and things will never change, I feel like my life is finished now.

DBT was supposed to be more effective than it has been and I feel that's it.

I don't know what to think about any of it.  ::-\:
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 02, 2020, 05:26:14 PM
Things take time to work.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 03, 2020, 02:06:11 PM
They do. I just want my life back but nothing seems to help enough. I don't see much hope since even psychs don't seem to know what to do. I'm 'engaging' with services, I'm really really trying but life is still crap. I know that it takes time but I feel like I should've gotten better than this by now, not completely better but I should have made more progress than I have. I just don't get how things can still be so crap despite trying so hard.
I can't help getting upset and frustrated at times. I can't talk to others because they just make me feel worse, plus my social skills aren't the best. I'm not sure what I could do next, I'm seeing CC next week for what is probably the last time. I'm wondering if Im simply not fixable, I'm not giving up but I'm starting to wonder.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 03, 2020, 04:38:18 PM
Can you mention all of these fears to her? I do feel for you.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Terri on February 04, 2020, 04:25:21 AM
Hey Vermilion.


I'm sorry that there's so much uncertainty regarding your mental health support. It can be hard when a professional leaves. I think Tucan's idea of voicing your concerns to your cc when you see her is a good idea. It might help to talk about it and might help you to access further support if it's documented. How long have you been doing DBT skills with your cc for? I've been told that sometimes people need two rounds of the 12 month programme for things to really sink in, so it's OK and 'normal' for you to have not made as much progress as you might have like to by now. It doesn't mean that you've failed or that you're stuck like this forever. It just means that you haven't been given enough time yet.


It's a shame that your cc is the only one trained in DBT, that seems very unusual - in this area there's a whole team dedicated to it. Maybe that's unusual though, I'm not sure! Do you think psychology might be able to carry on some of the DBT stuff with you? There may be psychologists there that have done the training who'll be able to pick up where you left off with your cc. It's worth a shot, no? :hug2:
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: icicle on February 04, 2020, 10:06:15 AM
The only thing that I found helpful was e-mail counselling, I'm guessing because the counsellor was good at her job and because it was anonymous- I never even knew her name, so I was free to write stuff that I cannot say. For me, face to face = sitting in a room in silence for an hour. I've never tried DBT, it's not available where I live. I agree with what Terri has said- voice your concerns to your CC before she leaves.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 04, 2020, 04:35:09 PM
I do need to voice my concerns about things, I was caught off guard when she told me so I didn't manage to talk about it properly.

To clarify regarding DBT there is a DBT group that I could attend but they don't do one on one sessions, my CC is the only one who can do DBT on a one to one basis. My autism makes groups really overwhelming. Another issue with DBT is my ability to cope with it and 'stay safe' at the same time; CC is unsure if I'm quite ready yet but of course that leaves me with uncertainty regarding future treatment. I feel like my brain is going to explode! 🤯

Anonymous counseling is a great idea but I find that I really need to build a rapport with the counselor as best I can, plus I'm trying to work on my social skills at the same time. I'm hoping that by talking to one person face to face I can build up to talking to a small group in the future. It's b***** difficult but I want to get better at it. I do often write things down and sometimes give it to CC to read if I can't start the conversation myself.

Thank you everyone.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 10, 2020, 02:43:21 PM
I'm really hoping that nothing gets f****d up because I really need help. There's too much to deal with and I don't know how.
Stopping the harming is so difficult, I've failed miserably in that respect and b**nt quite badly. I've really tried but it still keeps happening. Maybe they'll discharge me because I'm crap and untreatable? I hope not.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 10, 2020, 03:46:15 PM
Frodo suddenly died  :'(
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: terrified heart on February 10, 2020, 04:32:02 PM
Oh no. Iím so sorry to hear that. I know how much your buns mean to you. Sending love and hugs xx
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Rob on February 10, 2020, 05:12:19 PM
 :(  :hug2:
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2020, 05:21:44 PM
I am sorry to hear that. Take care.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 10, 2020, 08:38:14 PM
It was so sudden, he was his usual self this morning and when I went back later he was gone. He wasn't even 2 years. :'(  I've planted some heather over him.

I want to cancel CC tomorrow, I really CBA. I don't really care about any of it. So much sh** going on and then I lose one of the buns. It's unbearable right now.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 10, 2020, 11:52:41 PM
I'm really tired but I can't switch off. I really can't deal with this, I'm struggling to process things.

If I tell anyone that I've b**nt myself they'll make me go to urgent care, f*** that. I'm too tired. My head hurts, everything aches and I'm tired but I still can't sleep.

I miss little Frodo, it's hard to believe that he's gone now. :(
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2020, 11:50:14 AM
That is a shock. Bless you. Look after yourself and look after that b**n!
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 11, 2020, 05:11:53 PM
Thank you.
It's been a hard day, I couldn't make any decisions because I just don't know what to do. I cried like a t***, everything is just so hard at the moment. I'm supposed to practice 'self care' which is hard because I don't care about myself. I suppose I could at least get the b**n looked at and try to avoid an infection. I really hope that the practice nurses can do something because I really can't face the b**n unit nor urgent Care or hospital in general.

 I'm still not completely sure about the future care, I was too upset to discuss much because life has been a complete sh** show lately. I'm not being discharged but beyond that not sure. Psychology referral is a possibility since DBT isn't working for me right now.  ::-\:

I feel like I want to cry again. :'(
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2020, 05:47:58 PM
Crying is ok. It's a healthy release.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 11, 2020, 08:23:29 PM
Yeah, I know but it just goes against every instinct, I've always learned that it's bad to show emotions and it's a struggle to get out of that mindset.

The b**n is starting to look iffy so I've arranged for my mam to come with me to UC in the morning. If I go there now I'll be waiting all night anyway but if I get really bad I'll have to phone for an ambulance I guess. :/ I think I'm going to end up on the b**n unit again. :(
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2020, 08:34:52 PM
Oh dear bless you.

I was also taught to not show emotions. It is hard to express them in a healthy way as an adult.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: icicle on February 11, 2020, 10:20:25 PM
Remember the good times that you had with your  :bunny: Remember that you gave  :bunny: a nice life. The RWAF has a memorial page, I think that the Blue Cross might do too.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 12, 2020, 11:11:02 AM
I've planted some heather over him, he's in a plant pot so that I can take him with me if I move. I do it with all of my rabbits.

It's a full thickness b**n so I'm going to the b**n unit again. :(
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Rob on February 12, 2020, 12:22:56 PM
Better to have it seen to properly though.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on February 12, 2020, 02:51:22 PM
Yeah I know, it's such a bummer though. It's getting to the point where the staff recognise me because I've been there a few times now. It's not as bad as last time so hopefully I won't have to stay too long. Sigh.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2020, 04:31:12 PM
Fingers crossed you don't need to stay too long.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 05, 2020, 03:03:34 PM
Had a letter confirming that I'm on the waiting list for psychology but there is a 'significantly long' wait.

I'm struggling, really struggling and I have no support other than those useless tossers that are the crisis team. Great. Now what am I going to do in the meantime?

I'm not surprised, services often let me down.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 05, 2020, 08:05:23 PM
Oh no bless you.  :hug2: :hug1:
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 06, 2020, 07:36:03 PM
 :hug1:

I'm kinda scared because I'm struggling already. I was clear with my CC that I'm struggling. I don't know how I'm going to manage, I'm getting really dark thoughts at times and I don't know how I'm going to survive. Not that I want to live, I just can't put my family through it. I have no one to talk to about this and it's just unbearable and sometimes frightening but I can't be honest about it with others because there's too much stigma and some people simply don't believe MH problems are real.

Here we go again eh?  :(
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 06, 2020, 07:39:49 PM
Take care. Not sure what to say.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 13, 2020, 03:02:43 PM
Apparently the b**n specialist contacted services and now I'm seeing a CPN/CC on Tuesday..  :peepwall1: While it's nerve wracking I'm glad that something is being offered because I've been really struggling. I've done a lot of harm.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 13, 2020, 05:29:56 PM
Oh no that's not good that you have done so much harm. It is good that you'll be seeing a cpn.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 14, 2020, 02:47:40 PM
Thank you :hug2:

It's been really difficult lately so I really hope the new CC can help, plus I have an assessment with a clinical psychologist at the end of this month too. It's tough but at least something is being done. I can't continue like this, it's painful to walk because of the harm that I've done to my legs. This needs to stop.

I think that I'll feel better when I have some sort of plan in place. I know that part of it is to get me 'stable' enough to be able to get therapy/counseling to deal with certain past trauma, as I've posted in the full members room. It's going to be difficult at first because it's all with new people but I have to do it. The trouble is that a lot of these therapies are no geared towards people with autism so I guess I'll have to tweak a lot of it to suit me.  ::-\:

Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 14, 2020, 05:40:56 PM
I only just started talking about childhood trauma after 2 years of counselling. These things take time and you have to trust people first. Happy some things are being put into place for you. Bunny hugs?
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: icicle on March 14, 2020, 05:44:39 PM
My guess is that the clinical psychologist may have some knowledge of Autism- perhaps your concerns about suitability are something that you can raise when you see her/him?
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Lorien on March 16, 2020, 04:00:26 AM
The trouble is that a lot of these therapies are no geared towards people with autism so I guess I'll have to tweak a lot of it to suit me.  ::-\:
Probably, but it can be done. It's definitely worth asking about things they might do differently.

Also I think it's worth saying - deciding that it needs to stop is probably the best to start from in making it stop. That isn't easy but it can be done too.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 16, 2020, 12:06:01 PM
It probably is possible to tweak things but it's so hard. I think that one of the issues I have is taking things too literally, a lot of the stuff is difficult for me to apply to myself y'know? It's hard to explain. I am hoping that the CC will have some understanding or at least understand that I'm not deliberately being difficult. Part of me is a bit scared because I've had really awful experiences with various MH staff but I need to remember that the dx is on my records and hopefully my lack of eye contact etc won't be misinterpreted.

I do hope that I'll be able to stop SH but even just reducing the severity would be good. I'm sick of hospitals and specialists, I have to see enough of them with my various medical issues and I really don't need to increase hospital visits with SH too.

I'll be seeing the new CC tomorrow so I do hope it goes okay.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 16, 2020, 05:45:33 PM
Fingers crossed for you.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 18, 2020, 12:04:09 PM
Saw new CC, she seems ok. The problem is that I'm going to have phone consultations from now on until further notice which are far from ideal, my psychology assessment will probably be over the phone too. I'm worried about saying the wrong things or not saying things that I should have and end up not getting the treatment that I need, new CC has tried to reassure me that I won't miss out on support/treatment but it is worrying me a bit. I really do struggle with the phone. It's also not helping that various medical appointments have been cancelled and it's adding more worry because I don't know when I'll be able to get these things sorted, some of these issues can have an impact on my MH, even the appt with the b**n specialist is cancelled until further notice.

Still, at least my new CC seems nice and has got some understanding of autism so hopefully I won't get misunderstood/ accused of 'not engaging'/of being deliberately'difficult' etc. She's also aware that I struggle on the phone and will also let the psychologist know that I find it difficult. Some good has come out of meeting her but this virus malarkey has put everything in limbo and is stressing me out. I guess I can only do my best  ::-\:.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 18, 2020, 02:12:37 PM
Good luck. All my appointments have now changed to telephone only. It scares me. Keep talking on here and try to talk on the phone to your cc.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 18, 2020, 04:34:36 PM
The phone is so difficult isn't it? Usually if I get in a flap with profs I'll scribble notes down but I won't be able to do that on the phone. I'm glad that I'm getting some support though.
My anxiety is a struggle with everyone panic buying, I struggle with crowds but am struggling to get online deliveries. I'm worried that I might run out of things, as it is I keep having to change my order because things keep selling out. I went to get some veg for the rabbits and I nearly had a panic attack, luckily my brother was with me. Thing is my family are far away so I can't continuously ask for help. I don't mean to dramatise things but it's getting a bit stressful and MH support is very minimal while this is going on..
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 18, 2020, 05:24:06 PM
Take care. O will always listen to you on here even if I don't have the words to form a proper response.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: bluebell.x on March 19, 2020, 07:13:16 PM
I understand and really feel for you. My high school closes this week and it's where i get councilling from so im really scared what will happen to me. Also spending months in quarentine not seeing anyone isn't ideal either. I think the best thing to do is to continue to talk to people whether that's friends or family. There's also online counciling over text or phone call which could be useful if you dont want to go withut therapy.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 29, 2020, 01:47:35 PM
Thank you.

So, I've spoken with the psychologist over the phone and as far as I can tell she seems nice. Of course there was a lot that I couldn't say over the phone but she's going to keep in contact with me until we can speak in person. It's weird because I have no idea what she even looks like because I've never met her, at least with my new CC I can put a face to the voice.
I'm going to have regular phone calls with CC but I know that I'm going to find it impossible to say if I'm struggling and need help. I cannot say the words.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 29, 2020, 04:30:34 PM
Bless you. Happy she sounds nice.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 31, 2020, 11:22:16 AM
Yeah, me too. I've had some some absolutely sh** MH workers in the past so I'm always relieved when new workers are nice!

Spoken to CC this morning, I'm okay at the moment so it's was mostly just a catch up. I have been worried about getting some supplies in but there are organisations that can help if I get stuck because apparently I'm a vulnerable person because of my MH and medical issues. I find it difficult to accept that, I'm certainly not seriously unwell like others are nor am I elderly/wheelchair bound etc. If I get desperate I might use the ones that charge and leave the free services for those who really need them.  ::-\:

I'm copying ok with lock down at the moment, in many ways the empty streets make it easier for me to get out and about because there's no one trying to chat to me all the time and there's less noise from traffic. In other ways it's harder because there are a few medical issues that I can't get sorted out and I'm worrying that this will continue for a long time. I'm keeping busy with decorating for now and I have the buns for company. Plus, I'm friends with the dog nextdoor and there are chickens and horses opposite me that I feed and I like watching the birds around the feeder. I feel like if people would stop panic buying this wouldn't be such a cluster f***.

CC and psychologist are sending me some info about help that I can get and some extra DBT stuff to work through if I struggle.

I just feel a bit...  ::-\: at the moment but I'm 'safe' for now. I'm glad that I have this place to ramble away. :)
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on March 31, 2020, 01:37:52 PM
Ramble away all you want.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 31, 2020, 05:35:24 PM
 :ranting11: :ranting11: :banghead:

Got overwhelmed trying to get some shopping in. What's the point in me trying to distance myself when people make stupid small talk or stand right in the middle of the aisle chatting so that you can't get near things? Plus, everything has moved around since I was last there and so couldn't find things and a lot of things they didn't have in stock anyway. Then some t*** barged into me and complained that I was carrying a mop and he's lucky I didn't shove it up his arse, and I told him so. Tosser should've looked where he was going. I seriously feel like I'm about to cry. People are such arseholes.  :>:(: Anything I couldn't get today I'll do without, I'm not going through that crap again. I was doing ok but then people go and f*** up mood! Carrying everything home was really hard and now both shoulders hurt, it wouldn't have been as bad if I could drive but my brain won't let me. My brain is yelling at me, telling me how stupid I am and I kinda feel that way to be honest.
I don't think that I'll hurt myself but I am thinking of it. I accidentally bashed the b**n and I'm glad. My brain makes things so much worse than they need to be. I am pissed right off both with myself and others.

Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: icicle on March 31, 2020, 06:28:33 PM
These are difficult times shopping wise. The shop I used today had people queuing 2 metres apart and it was one out, one in, with a one way system. There were also markings on the floor to keep people apart in the isles and barriers and a couple of people managing the checkouts, so no one had to queue near to each other. It was pretty well stocked, even had a stocked loo roll isle. Perhaps your local stores will implement something similar soon? The post office also had lines on the floor to keep people queuing 2 metres apart.
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Vermilion on March 31, 2020, 11:06:50 PM
They already have that in place but aren't enforcing it, it's so stupid. I'm less angry now. People just p** me off sometimes, I feel like they're making things worse than they really need to be. They all go out to panic buy and self isolate and then do the stupid things that I've mentioned above... humans are baffling.

I'm struggling a bit this evening, it's not because of earlier but I can't quite explain what it is. I've also got a medical issue that I might have to speak to the doctor about which is unlikely to happen because of lockdown. It's not an
emergency but it's really bothering me. Oh well, I'll just have to hope that it goes away.

I dunno, perhaps I'm just having a bad day.  I only hope that tomorrow is a better day than today was.  :(  :mf_sleep11:
Title: Re: Uncertainty with my future MH care.
Post by: Tucan on April 01, 2020, 06:21:43 PM
Hey how are you today?