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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: Tucan on August 20, 2019, 04:54:13 PM

Title: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 20, 2019, 04:54:13 PM
I am scared of getting suck again. O am scared of getting as sick as I did earlier on the year
 These feelings also happened a few days ago. I am scared of dying. My illness scares me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to chill and sleep. I cannot believe some of the states o get into. I also find it hard to believe that I do have N illneSa. Wtf is happening to me! What will happen to me. I struggle to understand why I need meds.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on August 20, 2019, 07:45:59 PM
Things can seem scary sometimes for everyone. Staying stable by taking your meddies on a regular basis helps, as does listening to feedback on your moods from others around you and being open with the people involved in your support. Catching things early on makes life a lot easier, and it will help you avoid getting that sick again.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 20, 2019, 08:07:50 PM
I think I am low. All I want to do is cry. I am out at a group and my eyes are full of tears. I am biting my lip to hold them back. I HATE this illness. I hate the fact I have to take meds. I didn't want to come out this evening but I have forces myself out. I have been taking my meds properly. I see the cpn tomorrow.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on August 20, 2019, 08:26:53 PM
You sounded a bit low to me too, so let your cpn aware of it tomorrow.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 20, 2019, 08:36:51 PM
I will do. I think if I am like this my cpn will pick up on it without me saying anything! It's frustrating. These meds are supposed to be helping me! Yet I still get major mood swings! My counsellor is off this week so I didn't see her today..
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 21, 2019, 09:40:59 AM
Spoke to my cpn, everything is going slow, such an effort. I feel ick, I want to cry.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on August 21, 2019, 09:55:02 AM
What did she say - did she have any useful suggestions or comments?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 21, 2019, 11:59:34 AM
 :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 21, 2019, 05:05:29 PM
I see a new pysch next week and she wants me to talk to him about meds. See how I feel next week. In the meanwhile I can call my cpn if I need to. I also see her again in 4 weeks time. I feel rotten. I have had a lovely day out with my friend and her kids, now I feel rotten and I want to hide and cry. It feels like I have loads to do, my routine does seem to be rather busy. I just want downtime where I can cry and wallow in my misery. I didn't tell my cpn my fears of getting really sick again. I did tell her that this feel so horrible after being high.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 21, 2019, 08:57:11 PM
Itís ok to need and want a bit of time to yourself  :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 12:40:15 PM
I'm sorry for being an attention seeking fck wit! I just feel so bad. I want to cry most of the time. I am finding it hard to do things. I want to curl up and cry and hide and a little bit of die. I feel annoyed with myself, I was doing so well and becoming dependable at work. Feels like I have screwed everything up! Why can't I be stable for more than a few weeks!
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 22, 2019, 02:06:55 PM
Do you think you just need to recharge your batteries a bit? Doesnít mean everything has fallen apart.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 02:24:57 PM
I probably do need to recharge. Depressed sucks.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 05:56:02 PM
I feel sick. I am struggling to eat properly. I forced cake down me earlier when I went out with the pa. I picked at food for lunch. I feel awful. Stupid mental health. I am struggling to get up and take my meds and feed the animals. 
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on August 22, 2019, 06:23:40 PM
It's a pain - sometimes sugary foods alone don't help settle your tum, and you might find that eating some more solid things help, even light things like some toast. Regular meals, even if they're small, can help you feel better. It's always going to be hard for you after you went a bit high recently, but things will pick up again.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 06:34:17 PM
I don't have any bread, I did try some soup but I think it has turned. I have had a little yoghurt. This feels horrible. I hate bipolar. I want to cry again. I want to hurt but have no plans to. I am feeling sorry for myself. I have completely gone of my food which is unusual for me. Also in depression I usually feel flat or nothing, this time I just feel wretched. I wish I can fall asleep soon.

The high was fun though. Now I am completely skint.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 07:21:06 PM
I found some pizza and tried a bit. Once I had a bit I felt better and ate a bit more. Managed to eat a good amount, I left the crusts but once I started eating I was ok. The thought of eating was worse.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on August 22, 2019, 07:26:42 PM
That's good - it all helps  :emot-thumbsup11:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 07:33:05 PM
I would normally have eaten the crusts.

I am going to chill now and hope I fall asleep sooner rather than later.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 22, 2019, 07:53:40 PM
 :hug2: baby steps. Sleep well.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2019, 08:04:34 PM
Thanks, I am annoyingly wide awake. I want sleep and escape.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 23, 2019, 06:00:13 PM
Had a difficult day. My delusions are annoyingly starting to creep back in. I wanted to wear my white dress and die a holy death to be with God. If I am pure people will be ok. These thoughts are still fairly mild, and I am not actively suicidal. It's just they are creeping back in. I have spoken to a friend that really helped me. I was also out with another group of friends and being with people has helped me. Surely if I die for a higher purpose and am pure it'll be ok.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 23, 2019, 06:27:35 PM
Itís positive that being with people helps and that you talk  :)

Is it worth approaching your cpn on Monday as she wanted to be your first port of call if things arenít great?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 23, 2019, 06:42:32 PM
She did say that. Bless her. Monday is bank holiday so won't be until Tuesday.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2019, 09:56:44 AM
At least you're aware that the thoughts are irrational but tell your CPN as soon as you can before it gets out of control again.

It does sound like your meds aren't as effective as they need to be so I hope you manage to tell the new psych. If you read back through your posts here you'll get a good idea of how things have been for you.

  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 25, 2019, 12:14:37 PM
I feel better again now. Well I am distracted at work with people and not had any time alone for a while. So not been thinking about how sh** things are and that helps
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2019, 06:16:51 PM
Well, it's good that work is helping but how are you at home? I find that the night can be the hardest, especially when trying to settle down to sleep.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 25, 2019, 06:45:32 PM
So far I have been distracted. I haven't really stopped yet.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2019, 07:25:57 PM
Do you think you'll be ok when you stop and try to sleep? Do you have support in place until you see your CPN?  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 25, 2019, 07:28:14 PM
Seeing the pysch on Friday. I am watching TV and playing on my phone. I will probably do this until I fall asleep. Then it's off to work tomorrow.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2019, 07:32:25 PM
As long as you stay safe. It looks like your spending the night distracting yourself like I am.  :hug1: :hug2:
If you can manage tonight and tomorrow you can then phone your CPN if you need to. It's not too long.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 25, 2019, 07:44:06 PM
It's bank holiday tomorrow so I cannot call until Tuesday.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2019, 07:59:31 PM
I meant to say that you only need to get through until Tuesday then you can ring your CPN, poorly worded!  :fryingpan: It's less than two days, not too far away.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 25, 2019, 08:11:31 PM
It isn't too far away.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 27, 2019, 03:02:57 PM
Did you get through the BH okay?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 27, 2019, 03:44:54 PM
I managed it thank you. Too hot for anything. I have had counselling. She wants me to contact my cpn and tell her how bad things had gotten. The con already knows I am low, I am seeing the pysch this Friday so I don't know what will be achieved in calling her.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 28, 2019, 03:33:23 PM
Ok so I am sat on my kitchen floor crying and wanting to die. I don't have plans to die, not quite at that stage yet. I am feeling sorry for myself.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 29, 2019, 10:10:13 AM
Feel sh** again today. Depression sucks. Will somebody chop of my head?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 29, 2019, 11:05:05 AM
Youíve had a really hard few days. Do you think itís worth getting in touch with your cpn?  :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 29, 2019, 11:10:45 AM
Probably. I would if I wasn't seeing the pysch tomorrow. Have to survive until tomorrow.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 29, 2019, 01:54:22 PM
I don't necessarily want to kill myself, but I do want to hurt myself and I do want to make myself really poorly. I am working at not trying to do either of those things. I have managed to bruise myself though.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 30, 2019, 10:39:34 AM
Fingers crossed that your new psych will be helpful today.  :hug2: :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2019, 10:53:30 AM
He has changed my antipsychotics over from olanzapine to aripiprazole. He had also increased my antidepressant fluoxetine. Let's hope this helps me.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 30, 2019, 11:07:36 AM
I hope so too, you've been struggling for so long now.  :hug1: :hug2:

Be prepared for things to be a bit wobbly for a little while but things will be better in the long run.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2019, 11:15:17 AM
I worried if things get worse.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 30, 2019, 12:49:24 PM
Hopefully the new meds will help you to move forward  :welcomeani1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2019, 12:54:14 PM
Thank you. I have to try my best with the med changes. Typically med changes haven't gone well for me. I just feel horrible.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2019, 07:05:18 PM
I am scared changing meds over. I am worried it may go tits up. I am scared I may get worse before I get better.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 30, 2019, 07:38:26 PM
Itís understandable to be nervous but good that youíre aware and can watch for reactions/ signs. Do you have counselling/ appt with cpn soon?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2019, 07:40:57 PM
I see the counsellor on Tuesday. I don't see the cpn for over 2 weeks yet. Probably closer to 3. I can call her though.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 30, 2019, 07:50:31 PM
Good that youíve got the appt with the counsellor - and knowing you can call your cpn is a good back up call. Last time I changed meds my gp said to me as I was leaving Ďdonít expect too much of yourself over the next couple of weeks. Be kind to yourself whilst your body gets used to the changes Ď  :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2019, 07:56:16 PM
Thanks you. Last time.i changed meds I took more time.off sick.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 31, 2019, 10:29:09 AM
I feel so bad I am feeling physically sick.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 31, 2019, 12:58:23 PM
 :hug1: :hug2:

Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on August 31, 2019, 05:14:34 PM
I have made it home. I am so knackered. There are a few things I need to do. Feel low. Cancelled seeing the bf as I wanted rest a bath, an early night and time alone.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on August 31, 2019, 07:42:27 PM
Well done for putting yourself first  :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on August 31, 2019, 09:26:02 PM
It's okay to have a night to yourself once in a while. Just don't do it too often.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 01, 2019, 08:48:02 AM
He kept texting me so in the end I ignored him. I just wanted quiet time to myself.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on September 01, 2019, 09:56:34 AM
Texts can be ignored for a while - if it's urgent the phone will ring. Feel better after a bit of peace?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 01, 2019, 05:42:32 PM
I do. I am knackered again today. I have sold my 4 baby girl guineas. I am sad they are no longer with me. He kept on texting me. I said I wanted peace and quiet. Also today in his texts he kept saying things like I miss you, etc which just made me feel guilty and icky for doing self care. Now I feel like a b****!
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on September 01, 2019, 07:08:39 PM
He'll have to learn that you value your own space occasionally - don't feel guilty about wanting that.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 02, 2019, 06:01:59 PM
He will have to learn. In the end I started to ignore him. Poor bloke. I am so knackered. Not sure if I have pushed myself too far. I will probably feel awful tomorrow. Today was busy at work. Catching our tails all day. Short staffed.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 02, 2019, 06:02:31 PM
I am also low, but work has helped distract me. Now at Monday club. Hope to talk to staff here.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 03, 2019, 05:54:13 PM
I sobbed at counselling today. Not going to my knitting group either. It's just too late and too far to travel. Been doing sh it's only superficial but I keep doing it.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on September 03, 2019, 09:50:28 PM
No sense in overstretching yourself - a night off can help. Hope that you're feeling a bit better now. Weekend tomorrow?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on September 03, 2019, 10:07:10 PM
You sound worn out  :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 04, 2019, 09:18:14 AM
I am. Now it's time to call my cpn I find myself hesitant! Why am I putting it off! I know I am low, I know I need help so wtf is wrong with me!!!
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 04, 2019, 05:29:52 PM
I'm fed up. Struggling to settle to anything! Ick.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on September 04, 2019, 05:46:35 PM
Did you get to call your cpn? X
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 04, 2019, 05:56:07 PM
Nope. I was going to then I went round a friend's. She said I was seeing the cpn later so could talk then. The cpn spoke to my friend but I didn't make my wish be known that I wanted to talk to her also. So I didn't get a chance. Been doing more harming. Sigh.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on September 05, 2019, 09:11:10 AM
Howíre you doing? Have you slept? Call your cpn  :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 05, 2019, 10:27:26 AM
I don't feel as bad today. I been distracted. I drank a lot of wine last night. My morning been messed around.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on September 05, 2019, 11:14:26 AM
Distraction is good  :)
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 05, 2019, 12:16:52 PM
Thanks. I am now home alone.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on September 05, 2019, 12:23:48 PM
Have you got lots of things to do later with your PA?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 05, 2019, 12:49:15 PM
I am thinking of going for a walk with her. I also need to tidy my lounge after my late night post alcohol munchies. I have been distracted today and feeling better so I haven't called my cpn.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 05, 2019, 03:51:01 PM
Just because you've had a better day that doesn't mean that things are going to be fine, you still need to tell your CPN how much you have been struggling.

Did you manage to go for a walk with your PA?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 05, 2019, 04:37:03 PM
I did but I was really out of breath. I have baby guineas again now.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 06, 2019, 05:38:11 PM
Spoke to my cpn today. She is trying to reassure me that I am not relapsing. She says they are trying their best to not let me get as sick as I did earlier this year. She is hopeful the med change will help me. She also said I am doing loads to help myself. She wants me to use my friend as I am also helping her. She also wants me to do more positive coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness. She wants me to stop the sh, and watch my alcohol intake. She says she will see me next week at the low mood group. What I am feeling feels worse because I have been so high for quite a while.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 07, 2019, 07:46:02 PM
Started the day on a low, then I started bouncing, been a little wired, doing stuff, been a bit happy. More wired. It was in contrast to my depression. Not sure what is going on! Then went out shopping after work! I am scared that my mood is becoming unstable.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on September 07, 2019, 09:24:01 PM
Might take a bit of time to stabilise on your med change. Don't forget that everybody's moods go up and down to an extent - it's normal. You need to keep an eye (or with your friend) on yourself each day, perhaps even jot down how each day has been to see how you vary over the week?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 08, 2019, 08:37:14 AM
Thank you. I guess I am a bit unstable but also a bit over vigilant. My friend suggested I sounded like I was a bit mixed. Anyhow onwards and upwards, today is another day.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 08, 2019, 01:25:43 PM
It's understandable to be a bit worried about your mood since you have had a tough time with your MH. Try and reassure yourself that your CPN doesn't think that your relapsing and that if you are honest with her arelapse is preventable.  :hug2: :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 08, 2019, 05:20:58 PM
Thank you. I don't know if the cpn was also trying to reassure me. I do feel a lot better to what I was. It's just weird how quickly I came out of it! My mind has now gone blank. I do scare myself, and my illness scares me. At the same time I don't see there is anything wrong and wonder why I am taking meds when mood shifts are normal.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 10, 2019, 07:33:34 PM
The idea of taking meds regularly is not just to get things stable but to keep it that way.

MH issues can be very frightening but it's manageable with the right support and/or meds. Some of the things I've said/done/believed etc is very scary so I get where you're coming from but you're also getting counseling to help deal with these things.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 10, 2019, 08:01:22 PM
I do get counselling. On the plus side we have eventually started looking at low self esteem work.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 11, 2019, 11:55:17 AM
I think that'll be very helpful for you, many of us with MH struggles tend to get frustrated and angry with ourselves.

You do seem to be better than you were.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 11, 2019, 12:15:39 PM
Thank you, was a bit bouncy this morning, now having anxiety over going to a low mood group.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 12, 2019, 11:56:55 AM
Did you get to the group?

I struggle with groups too so I get how difficult it is.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 12, 2019, 12:40:16 PM
I was bouncy and happy, then got hit by sensory overload and then got anxiety. My mood is all over the place.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 12, 2019, 12:43:49 PM
I'm sorry it didn't go as well as it could have.  :hug1: :hug2:

What was it specifically that you struggled with? Too much noise?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 12, 2019, 03:39:36 PM
Too much noise, it felt like the voices were spinning around me. There was a low buzz/hum that was going through me.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 13, 2019, 09:29:48 AM
Ah, I understand that. Is there anything that you could do to reduce the sensory stimuli? I sometimes wear in ear earphones because they reduce the noise but you can still hear what's going on. How about popping outside halfway through for a breather?
Is that buzzing noise from tinnitus or something else?

Sensory issues are horrid aren't they? I hope that you can find the courage to try again, even if you only stay for part of the group and leave early.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 13, 2019, 10:14:12 AM
They are a pain. Doesn't happen very often. I sometimes hear buzzing and feel it. My head been doing all sorts of weird stuff such as walls changing colours.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 13, 2019, 03:45:44 PM
Are you sure that's because of the sensory issues? That doesn't seem right, seems more likely to be a side effect of the meds or a migraine (you can get migraine without the headache). You may need to tell your psych or CPN.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 13, 2019, 04:04:59 PM
My cpn was in the room with me at the time. I was wondering if it was due to med change.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 14, 2019, 02:44:09 PM
Thinking about what normally happens to me during sensory overload is that I get that that buzzing noise (among other symptoms) but I've never seen walls changing colours. When do you next see your CPN? I wouldn't wait too long in case it gets worse. Maybe if you tell her what it was like at the group she might have some ideas about coping when your at the group.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 14, 2019, 07:10:56 PM
I get sensory overload more frequently when I am more sensitive, or low and anxious etc.

I will talk to the cpn about it. It could just be a result of changing meds. Antipsychotics are powerful drugs.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 19, 2019, 04:37:54 PM
Have you contacted your CPN yet? It's been a few days so I hope that things have got better since. Do you think that you'll try the group again?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2019, 05:00:40 PM
I did go back to the group. It went better today. I am quite sensitive at the moment and keep being triggered by stuff and have lots of memories coming up from my time in hospital. I am up and down and all over the place. Cpn thinks I am sad over my lose of the high. She doesn't think I am clinically depressed as I am running around doing alsorts. My friends think I could be in a mixed episode.

Stopping olanzapine has made it much harder to sleep, but getting up seems so easy now lol, even if it is at 5:30!!!!! My mood is so variable at the moment, I don't know if I am coming or going.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 19, 2019, 05:12:56 PM
I imagine that compared to feeling 'high' being calm must feel pretty pants.  :hug1:

I'm glad that the group went better, well done for going despite it being such a struggle last week.

I think that there are different levels of depression and it's possible to have a high functioning type but that doesn't mean things are easy especially when you're also struggling with memories too. Is your counselor helping you work through things?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2019, 05:17:29 PM
I sobbed on my counsellor about the time I was in hospital and what I did at that time. I also laughed a lot during the session. She is helping me.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2019, 05:17:42 PM
My anxiety is high.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 19, 2019, 05:33:31 PM
I'm glad that your counselor is helpful, it's okay to cry if you need to. Sometimes it does help to think of the funnier side of things, I think it's why I sometimes read the 'you know you're a self harmer when..' pages on the internet. It can be helpful to laugh at yourself a bit.

Anxiety is tough to deal with and it can exacerbate other issues. Can you do something to block other sensory stimuli? That helps me if I'm anxious.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2019, 09:14:05 PM
I went to my aunt's and did some cross stitch. That helped me. Thanks for your help also. I am exhausted. Least I haven't binged today :)
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on September 19, 2019, 09:30:12 PM
Not bingeing takes huge strength. You rock  :13886:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2019, 09:31:52 PM
Not bingeing takes huge strength. You rock  :13886:
  :13886: thanks.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 20, 2019, 03:48:01 PM
No binging is awesome!  :emot-thumbsup11:

Glad cross stitching helps too, when ever I try stitching I only manage to jab my fingers... ::)
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 20, 2019, 05:44:23 PM
I did jab my leg several times!!!
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 22, 2019, 05:36:34 PM
Been doing quite well since talking to the cpn. I am still thinking about my time in hospital a lot. I am also worried about the upcoming winter. I don't know why I am reflecting on bad things when I am ok in myself. Not perfect but I put that down to being human.

Also I need to slow down. I am completely knackered!!! I am here there and everywhere. I guess it's a toss up between being too busy, and upcoming winter/darkness as to which will make me sick first.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Rob on September 22, 2019, 08:29:13 PM
You seem to be doing well - but don't worry about winter and things, stay focussed on feeling good without overdoing things. 
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 23, 2019, 05:43:15 PM
Thank you Rob. I need to slow down. I am just trying to do everything, squeeze out every last bit of summer, I am still in t-shirt and shorts! Going to skip Monday club this evening and go home and rest.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 24, 2019, 12:13:23 PM
Why do I feel like I need so much support and reassurance! I am so high maintenance!!!! Hopefully with more friends I should be better.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 24, 2019, 05:14:08 PM
Have spoken to my counsellor. It has helped.

I am struggling with bad memories though. They are plaguing me.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 25, 2019, 10:55:18 AM
Memories can be tough deal with, I'm glad that your counselor is helping you deal with them.

I'm not looking forward to winter either, I'd hibernate if I could! We got through last year though so we'll manage this year too.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 25, 2019, 02:11:06 PM
I want to hibernate. I cannot be doing with getting sick again. I did survive last winter, but each winter becomes harder and harder to deal with.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 26, 2019, 01:02:19 PM
Do you have ways of coping with winter? I have a SAD light which helps a bit and get outside as much as I can etc. Winter is crap but I'd say the depression type stuff is relatively mild?  ::-\:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 26, 2019, 01:26:14 PM
I need to talk to my cpn about strategies that could help me. Even if I do use a light. The risk is of going high but I am on meds to stop that.

Each winter the depression gets worse, the suicidal thoughts get worse. Now I want to cry just thinking about it! Stupid me. I am scared. I have wasted my life with mental health crap. It dominates so much of who I am. I need to be ok. I have to be ok.

Don't know what I am saying anymore. My mind is wondering now.

Stay strong you CAN do this.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 26, 2019, 02:31:15 PM
Well, you have had your meds changed a few times so it's possible that they'll keep your mood a bit more stable in the winter. If you chat to your CPN next time you see her you might feel a little better knowing that you have some strategies to get through it.

I remember reading an article in New Scientist once about people who regularly endure months with little sunshine and they get through it. One thing I remember is that they bring outdoors into the home so I might try that this year, I have some seashells that I'm going to use for decoration of some sort. Since you're quite a crafty person that might be helpful, I'll just glue my fingers together but I'll bet you be able to make something nice.  :)
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 26, 2019, 02:37:09 PM
Imagines you gluing your fingers together and giggles.

I could make some things. Doing some craft soon with my pa. Going to try and do more craft this winter. Planning on doing cross stitch for people for Christmas.

I have more friends this year so that'll help me. Try to stay positive. I am ok and relatively stable in myself, yet my life is still dominated by mental health. It leaves such a large and dark shadow over me.

So I will be working outdoors this winter, that'll help me. I leave lights on in the home to make it bright. Will have to talk to cpn. Cannot be hospitalised for a fifth year in a row. 4 years is bad enough!!! There is so much pressure from my family and boyfriend to not end up in either the crisis house, a and e, or on a pysch ward.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 26, 2019, 02:58:29 PM
Yes MH can seem to dominate things but many people do learn to cope, maybe you'll be ok this year. It sounds like you have some good strategies in place already so it won't be as bad. I wish I like Xmas so that winter is a bit more enjoyable but I know that you do so that's something to look forward to as well.
I've actually got my walks painted white now so that the room is brighter and I'm hoping to get some of those crystal things to hang in the window to reflect some light around the rooms. I've also got lots of colourful dreamcatchers hung around the house. Could things like that help you too?
There are good things about winter too, long sleeves and whatnot become normal so easy to cover up, there's fluffy PJ's that feel good especially after a hot shower, it's an excuse for some hiding away to read instead of going out constantly. There's probably more good things too.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 26, 2019, 04:53:26 PM
I think I get overwhelmed with Christmas. I have a lot of bad memories over the winter.

My scars are on my upper arms and upper legs so I don't have to worry about covering up. Fluffy PJs do sound good though.

I am spending more time in than normal today. My aunt is away this evening. But did some cross stitch with my pa. I should make lots of nice things for my flat. I have baby guineas to sell. My rabbits breathing is noisy, but that's normal for him! May still take him vets though.

There is just so much pressure to stay well from everyone, I may stay well, I may may get sick. Surely either is ok. The pressure is a lot it's like I cannot be myself I HAVE to be well for everyone else.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Lorien on September 26, 2019, 10:28:42 PM
I agree, either is OK because the reality is that no one chooses either. Do the people around you understand that you don't choose to be ill or need support.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 27, 2019, 11:45:49 AM
No pressure but I hope that you can stay out of hospitals. :) It's fair that people put pressure on us to stay well I think, we don't choose to have MH issues any more than someone would choose to have appendicitis or whatever.

I get overwhelmed with Xmas too, it's not exactly an autism friendly time of year! I guess that the best we can do is focus on the good parts like spending time with family and whatnot. The crafty side of making presents for people could be a good distraction, I envy that since I'm a complete and utter plank when it comes to crafty things!

I suppose that you could take the bun to the vets just in case, it'll be cheaper to book with the vet nurse for health check rather than booking with the vet.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 27, 2019, 12:07:29 PM
No pressure but I hope that you can stay out of hospitals. :) It's not fair that people put pressure on us to stay well I think, we don't choose to have MH issues any more than someone would choose to have appendicitis or whatever.

Typo!   :blushing1: :101:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 27, 2019, 02:45:12 PM
DOH bless you. Typos are ok. Thank you for your help and support.

You are right I don't choose to be ill. Not sure how you could choose to be ill.

I am ok if I don't think about the crAp.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Lorien on September 27, 2019, 08:44:54 PM
anything to distract yourself with so its easier not to think about?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 27, 2019, 09:06:28 PM
Lego helps but I CBA. Watching TV and drinking wine. Am tipsy. Have managed to hurt myself without cutting. Struggling with bad memories.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Lorien on September 27, 2019, 09:19:21 PM
Are you ok? Does the injury need looking at?

Is Harry Potter a 'safe' thing for you? I know you said you were building Hogwarts. (massively bias because it is a SpIn of mine)
Do you think it would help to have a bit of a movie marathon? Curl up on the sofa with a warm drink and a blanket and disappear to Hogwarts for a while?

The drinking probably isn't going to help hon, maybe call it a day on that?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 28, 2019, 08:35:26 AM
I am ok though have a bruise on my arm!!! Don't need any medical attention. I did stop drinking in the end. Was awake until fairly late.

Hogwarts is a safe place. I will have to think about a movie marathon at some point. Probably with my boyfriend. I am going to hp world in December. Cannot wait.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 28, 2019, 06:09:14 PM
I hope that you don't hurt yourself again tonight. If it swells just pop some frozen veg wrapped in a towel over it.  :hug1: :hug2:

HP world can be something else to lift the winter blues away (even though LOTR is way better  ::P:) so that's good. Maybe you could arrange some other things to look forward to with the Mr, I find that doing something specific means that there's something to talk about and it's less awkward than trying to force small talk!
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 28, 2019, 06:42:35 PM
Lotr is also a favourite of mine and I have swords, and Lego associated with it.

Won't hurt tonight, I have my boyfriend with me. I don't know why I am hurting. It makes me feel good afterwards.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on September 28, 2019, 07:27:53 PM
I am glad that you won't hurt yourself, I hope you enjoy tonight with your boyfriend. Sometimes we don't know why we need to harm.  :hug1: :hug2:

*Covets LOTR Lego*  ::P:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 28, 2019, 07:52:11 PM
Wish it was all easier to work out.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 29, 2019, 05:27:13 PM
Been to work today and my brain hasn't been ruminating  :yahoo: . Been doing really well today. Even with my nightmare of too many volunteers and not enough jobs! I coped. I feel good enough.

An old friend has contacted me that fell out with me when I was in the hospital as I was too much hard work!!! Not sure how to approach this friend.

Evening in for me know.

I have been really physically tired today though :( .
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Lorien on September 30, 2019, 12:26:29 AM
How have you felt without the friendship? Maybe that's a good way to start to think about whether you want it or not. If you have missed things from it then are they worth the negative side of them seeing being ill as 'hard work'. If you've not missed anything, do you gain anything from them being back in your life.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on September 30, 2019, 10:45:47 PM
Well I replied yesterday to him and said I was ok and asked how he was. Have had no response since. I did enjoy some time with him, but the way he treated me when I was in hospital was unacceptable. Sometimes when I drive past his I get sad. Other times I am glad I no longer friends with him. He said he wished me well but no longer wanted to be my friend and cut off all contact with me.

Was anxious at cinema and struggled to settle. I kept trying to find roles to do to keep busy. Work was ok. The drive home was 'interesting'!
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on October 02, 2019, 08:25:44 PM
Been binging again, then tried to make myself sick. Been avoiding this for weeks and weeks. Until today.  :smilie_help: :no: . I just want to sleep to avoid life. Will have to try to not eat like that again.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on October 02, 2019, 08:52:59 PM
Sorry I shouldn't have said that.
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Vermilion on October 03, 2019, 11:23:53 AM
Don't apologise, this forum is here for you to post whatever is bothering you. :hug1: :hug2:

I struggle with binging too, it's a form of SH for me. Is it the same for you?
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Skye on October 03, 2019, 11:51:57 AM
Don't apologise, this forum is here for you to post whatever is bothering you. :hug1: :hug2:



^ this

 :hug1:
Title: Re: Scared
Post by: Tucan on October 03, 2019, 12:24:57 PM
Thanks. It's hard. I think the binging serves the same purpose as sh. My arm looks battered. I also beat myself up :(. 

I spaced out at group. Was really out of it.