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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: terrified heart on August 14, 2019, 10:24:04 PM

Title: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 14, 2019, 10:24:04 PM
Things have not been going to well in a number of areas of my life the last few months. Iím starting to just feel exhausted with everything. For once though itís not making me want to die. Itís like Iím too overloaded and exhausted to even think about ending my life. Which is good, I guess.

Have a physical issue that Iím waiting on surgery for. This last 2 weeks the pain has been unbearable, to the point I ended up in A&E on Friday evening. The consultant I saw said this operation is the only long term solution, but gave me heavy duty painkillers in the meantime. My GP surgery has got unmanageable, never any appointments either face to face or on the phone. Itís become a massive battle to even get through on the phone let alone fight the receptionist to give you an appointment. Iím supposed to get my GP to try to bring my hospital consultation forward, but I canít do that because I canít get to speak to the GP. Iím going to see if I can register at a different practice tomorrow, but itís all energy that I just donít have to spare  :(

Still having my weekly psychotherapy. I think itís session 5 tomorrow. Itís hard. It brings a lot of horrid stuff to the front of my mind. The psychologist is very good and tryís to minimise the impact, but it hits at random times during the week. What with feeling physically awful I think my emotional resilience is lower so I end up having times where I just sit and sob.

Stuff with the bloke at work is doing my head in too. Heís back living with his ex (or current now) but he keeps fussing round me when Iím ill or upset to the point that itís making the other staff wonder why he fusses so much. They donít know anything ever happened between us and they canít understand why he is always so obsessed with checking Iím ok. It confuses me too. He chose not to be with me, and he chose to get back with the other woman but then he does this fussing over me thing which just messes with my head. Which Iíve told him, but he canít seem to stop himself.

Added into this Iíve had stress with my car, stress with money, waiting to hear about my PIP claim and a family bereavement and itís all just a massive feeling of Ďoh my god, I want to run awayí. And absolute exhaustion.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Rob on August 15, 2019, 11:57:26 AM
You seemed to have quite a good relationship with your current GP over the years, might it be possible to email or write about getting the request to move things forward? Could be quicker. Presumably they don't they have an online system that you can make an appointment over.

With this guy at work, even though he's back in his previous relationship, I suppose that there's no reason that he should stop caring about you. Men  ::)

Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 15, 2019, 05:52:08 PM
They have online booking, but every day for the last 2ish years it just says Ďyour practice currently has no appointmentsí. There is only 1 GP there that I trust and getting an appointment with her requires way more energy and effort than Iím able to give. Iíve asked around; friends, family, work patients etc and heard really good things about this other practice. Anyhow, Iíve registered with the other practice today so as of next week Iíll be a patient of theirs. Iím going to write to the GP that has helped me in the old practice to say thank you for all youíve done etc... Everyone I know who is already with this new surgery has said all the GPs are lovely so hopefully Iíll develop a new Dr/Patient relationship with them.

Had therapy today. It was hard. Talked about some really tough stuff. She said this week & next week, which are week 1&2 of the actual Ďtherapyí are always the hardest for everyone (the last 4 sessions before today have been the Ďassessmentí sessions and today the actual therapy began).

It is nice that he cares. I know he does genuinely care. Itís hard for me to adjust to this new type of friendship. He doesnít seem to know himself what he wants; in life, from me, from his gf. That just doesnít help me to adjust though when he sends so many mixed messages. Even the other colleagues said to him the other day that he acts like he cares way more about my wellbeing than he seems to for his own gf. He laughs it off & I laugh it off, but itís his behaviour that the others keep questioning. I keep all my feelings very well hidden from the others although I have been honest with him away from the others.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 16, 2019, 04:16:53 PM

Quite simply I do not want to be alive.

I donít like me. I donít really like the majority of humans I encounter. I donít like being with people and I equally donít like being alone. I donít see that any of this will change in the future and I donít see how therapy will alter any of this.

I am flawed. Iím insignificant. Iím worthless. Iím horrible. Iím angry and miserable all the time. Iím a drain and a disappointment. Itís me. Iím the problem. Iím just an absolute poor excuse of a human. Iím so worthless it seeps out of me into the air around me and signals to everyone that Iím worthless.

I want to tear my body apart. Damage every inch of my skin. I want to murder myself in the most violent and painful way possible. Because that is all I deserve.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Rob on August 16, 2019, 07:41:07 PM
I don't believe that is what you deserve at all. Whether you see yourself as wonderful or not so wonderful, there are people in your life that do care about you, and that's something that had to be earned.

This week and next week are the hardest points in your therapy, and you're aware of that. This is why you're feeling this bad, and you must realise that, not believe that nonsense that you've written. These feelings, your doubts and misgivings are the result of your therapy, and they will go as your therapy progresses. Ignore them, because you deserve a lot better.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 17, 2019, 11:43:07 PM
I truly wish I could see anything worthwhile in myself. I couldnít like myself less than I do now.

My physical pain is not abating. Iím in pain all day every day. Iíve gained a phenomenal amount of weight, which I couldnít care less about from an appearance point of view, but I am physically uncomfortable all the time.

I canít see happiness in anything except my guinea pigs. I wish I was able to hide away from the world just me & them. Iím such a miserable grumpy snappy person.

I donít want to be this person. I donít want to be filled up completely with anger & sadness. Therapy supposed to help me to not be that person, but Iím finding it hard to believe that it will work. This is my only chance, if therapy fails Iíll have no hope of being a decent human who has a place in the world.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Rob on August 18, 2019, 01:36:50 PM
~~  a decent human who has a place in the world.
You're already that. Therapy is about you realising it.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 18, 2019, 05:31:59 PM
Thank you Rob. Iím finding it very hard to see any truth in that, but I guess as Iím only at the start of therapy I should give it a chance to see if it does help. I donít know. Some days it just seems impossible to even get myself through 24hrs because life feels so painful and hard.

I will be meeting someone from my new GP surgery on Wednesday. I think itís going to be one of the nurses. Having the new patient appointment and medication review. Iím going to need a new AP prescription for the end of the week. Might be a good opportunity to discuss how well Iím doing on the current AP. I donít have a psychiatrist now and my CPN is due to leave this month on maternity leave. I need to be assigned a new CC, but donít know who yet. Might mean that developing a good rapport with the new GP will be really important.

I donít want to go to work this week. Iím so grumpy and miserable and everything my colleagues say winds me up. I hate that Iím so vile to be around. Every day I start of trying to be more positive and friendly, but within a couple of hours Iíve slipped back into being this snappy person. I hate that Iím like this.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 19, 2019, 05:16:19 PM
I have managed to be less grumpy and nicer to be around today which made work a lot better. I wish I could manage to be like this every day, or at least a lot more often.  ::-\:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Rob on August 19, 2019, 05:30:22 PM
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Skye on August 19, 2019, 05:30:56 PM
Iím sure youíre a whole lot lovelier to be around than you realise. Your perception of yourself affects what you see/ believe.
Therapy is tough. But important and it will make a difference - Rob told me  :wink: and he is a wise one  :icon_mrgreen:

Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 19, 2019, 07:32:35 PM
Thank you both xx

Therapy is so hard. She told me that these first couple of weeks are the hardest, but even knowing that doesnít make it feel any better. I am keeping safe, which I guess is a massive plus, but the thoughts and feelings that are coming up are so hard to cope with. I know I am coping, but god, itís agony sometimes.

Iím so full of extremes inside my head. Massively polar opposites in terms of thoughts and wants. I want to quit therapy and I want to see her every day. I want to be completely alone, and I want to be in company. I want to die, and I want to live... I know I need to settle for some kind of middle ground, itís just so so hard.

I love Adam so much. It hurts every day that he didnít choose me. I love when he is kind to me, and caring, but that also just adds to the hurt that he chose someone else. I swing between wanting to leave my job because I wonít have to be with him 5 days a week, and wanting to front it out because I genuinely do like my job.

I have things in my mind that I should do to make positive changes, but every time I contemplate starting any of them my mind goes straight to ďwhatís the pointĒ and I give up before I even start.

I hate that Iím wasting my life on worrying and sadness. Life is so short. I really want to make the most of every day, but all this mental rubbish is stopping me and I hate it. I donít want to be on my deathbed and regret wasting so much time on sadness and self doubt...
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Tucan on August 20, 2019, 04:55:58 PM
 :hug1: sorry I haven't bread all of your posts. I am thinking of you though.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 20, 2019, 10:10:51 PM
This is becoming beyond what Iím able to tolerate. I feel like Iím inching ever nearer to doing something destructive and dangerous. The effort Iím having to put into ignoring and not acting on self destructive thoughts is wearing me out. I want to run far far away.

Itís only been two months since we watched my niece die. I swore to myself I would never put my family through having to watch me die or having to plan my funeral because of a death I had deliberately caused. I donít know that I can keep to that though. Itís hard. Life is too b***** hard. My head is an absolute mess. I cannot keep sitting with these thoughts. Itís unbearable. I hurt all the time.

These last few days Iíve tried so so hard to not show my unhappiness but I cannot keep it up. Iím grumpy and miserable and pessimistic because I hate myself so much, my own brain wants to kill me and Iím absolutely exhausted of fighting with myself every waking second of every day.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Terri on August 20, 2019, 11:47:12 PM
Do you think you could so with some more MH support at the moment, just whilst you're doing the hardest bit of therapy. I wonder if something would be available to you, if you were to ask? :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2019, 10:00:41 AM
I also think that some extra support would help you right now.
I hope you can stick with therapy, it'll help in the long term. :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on August 30, 2019, 07:54:27 PM
Been trying to formulate a post for a while now, but something keeps stopping me from finding the words.

I had a very good start to this week. I was so bubbly and full of energy at the beginning of the week. My colleagues couldnít believe how bouncy and helpful I was being. I got so much done at work on Tuesday. The whole week has been much better than things have been for a while, although as the week has gone on Iíve got more & more tired and it is impacting on my mood a bit. Hopefully will get enough rest over this weekend to perk myself up again.

Didnít have therapy this week. Psychologist was away. I was supposed to see my support worker, but my appointment was cancelled (I think she was off sick but the receptionist who called didnít really say). I keep panicking that the therapy isnít going to help. Iím panicking that time is running out. I signed an 8 session therapy contract and Iíve already had 2. She said that 8 weeks is the initial agreement and then it is reviewed and they decide if more sessions would be helpful. But Iím panicking that I need to make sure Iím better in the next 6 weeks because Iím so scared that if Iím not then thatís it. Game over. Iím scared that if I canít fix my broken brain in the next 6 weeks then it will mean Iíve no hope of it ever being ok.  ::-\:

I met one of the GPís at my new surgery a week or so ago. She was very nice. I mentioned that Iím not 100% happy with my current AP but she said itís not wise to change things while Iím at this stage of therapy
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on August 31, 2019, 12:56:48 PM
Once the eight sessions are done you'll still be able to continue so you can get better in your own time. It's certainly not game over at that point and if you do decide that it's not right for you there are other things that you can try.

I agree with your GP, .med changed are usually difficult and since your finding things tough as it is it's probably best not to make things tougher.

I'd say that it's quite normal to get a little tired towards the end of the week and that's why we have weekends :). Rest and time with the guineas will have you feeling better soon :).
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 03, 2019, 05:40:16 PM
Iíve got no one to talk about this stuff with, so Iím going to get it out on here...

My support worker is off sick with no return date. My CPN has already gone on maternity leave without actually telling me. Found out today when I phoned CMHT. I donít know who my new CC is, apparently it will be decided in their team meeting tomorrow. I know Iíll have to have a CC as apparently I canít be in therapy without one.

My PIP claim has finally been assessed. They want to do a face to face assessment now, which is fine and what I expected, but itís next week (great amount of notice Crapita!) so Iíll need to try to get the day off work at short notice, which means either not getting paid or using up a holiday day. Also itís on a therapy day so Iíll have to see if I can cancel next weeks therapy without losing one of my 8 sessions.

Iím pretty sure Iíll get turned down for PIP after the assessment, I donít know of anyone who has been awarded it without having to appeal a decision. Iíve been trying to sort out money stuff for if I donít get it. Iíll lose my DLA plus a huge chunk of working tax credit, as I get the disability element of tax credits at the moment which is quite a big top up. Iím very lucky in that I will have enough coming in with my monthly wages to cover bills and essentials which I know makes me very fortunate compared to others. It will just mean that I will have very little to cover any unexpected expenses. I think if I lose the benefit amount I currently get I would really need to work more hours. This is hard for two reasons; I work 30h p.w at the moment and I cope well with those. Full time hasnít been something Iíve been able to sustain and stay well mentally before. And secondly and more worryingly the hours arenít really available in my current job and I desperately donít want to start over somewhere else  ::-\: I asked the big boss if I could up my hours when we relocate premises in November and he said not unless business proves to pick up so not until into the new year depending on figures in the first couple of months. I havenít said anything about money worries or needing to work more financially because obviously I donít know 100% what will happen with PIP.

So I phoned CMHT this afternoon because I could really do with some help/support with all this only to find my CPN has left and support worker is off sick. And itís 9 days until my PIP assessment.

So anyway,  Iím stressing but donít know what to do about any of it. Have therapy on Thurs so can ask her for advice but obviously the hour I have with her is very structured around the actual therapy so itís not ideal.

Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Rob on September 03, 2019, 10:10:15 PM
Not everyone has to appeal, you might get through. You seem to be able to maintain a good working relationship for the hours that you work now, but I'd be cautious about increasing your hours unless it was absolutely unavoidable, so let's keep our fingers crossed that you don't need to. It's also something that they should be aware of at the face to face.

Your CPN might have had to leave earlier than planned, these things happen. Will you be able to find out who your CC is after tomorrow's meeting and enlist their help?
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 03, 2019, 11:43:56 PM
Thanks Rob. I will hopefully be able to get across to the assessor the importance for me to stick to my current hours. Increasing them wouldnít be ideal, but if I did have to work more hours for financial reasons Iíd rather do that in my current job where I am supported already than start again elsewhere. Like I said I am incredibly lucky that I would be able to live on my wages, at least for a while, so if I do lose benefits I donít have to make any snap decisions about work/money.

I think the MDT meeting is tomorrow afternoon, then Iím at CMHT Thursday 9am for therapy, so Iíll ask about any decision on my CC when I get to reception. I know Iíll be given a CC so itís just a case of finding out who. And hopefully my SW will be back soon too. Itís not anything that I need to worry about, but my brain has a habit of worrying anyway.

There are so many changes at the moment. Personal changes, workplace changes, government/country changes etc... Iím doing better at coping with changes and uncertainties but they still make me feel very uncomfortable and edgy.

I know things will work out one way or another. I know I need to focus on the basics and keep plodding on. And I am and I will, itís just all a bit yucky and uncomfortable.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Skye on September 04, 2019, 05:28:23 AM
Focusing on the basics and plodding on is such a good way of putting it. I completely get that. Slowly wins the race. But we have to keep reminding ourselves to just keep going, one step forward. Youíll get there  :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 04, 2019, 12:45:55 PM
Thank you Skye xx

Step one done; booked 12th off work. Just need to rearrange/cancel therapy that day when I see psychologist tomorrow.

I really think an hour at a time is the best approach right now. Any more future thinking just overwhelms me.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 05, 2019, 12:59:15 PM
Psychologist was actually really helpful with the PIP stuff. She is writing me a supporting letter to take with me saying what difficulties I have, what I can and canít cope well with and my risk levels when I become unwell (ie Suicide risk and SH). She also gave me details of a charity which help with PIP stuff called DIAL who she said she knows are really helpful. Oh and she was fine about me not having therapy next week and said it wonít count as one of the 8 sessions as Iíve given her notice.

Iíve been assigned a Psychiatrist as my CC and my support worker is off possibly long term sick so I donít really have a point of call for support at the moment, but she has assured me that if I ring duty team there will always be someone to talk to.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on September 05, 2019, 03:58:13 PM
Good luck with PIP-some people do get through ok without too much agro. You have lots of evidence and profs on your side. Crapita didn't give me much notice either!  :fryingpan: Do you have someone to go with you?

I imagine that you feel a little better knowing that therapy isn't going to be messed up!  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 05, 2019, 05:42:30 PM
Thanks xx

Iím pretty sure my itís my mums day off on 12th so I could ask her to come. But I discussed it with psychologist and I think Iíd be more comfortable going alone. I think having someone there would stress me more. But I might ask her if she wants to meet me for lunch after.

Iím hoping that because Iíve had indefinite middle rate DLA the past 6 or so years and my diagnosis hasnít changed in that time itíll be easier to transition onto PIP. Although obviously thatís expecting CRAPITA to use common sense!  ::)

Whatever happens it will be ok. I will survive and people will be there to help be it emotionally or practically. Psychologist has suggested carrying something with me that I can hold or just feel the texture of to ground me if my thoughts start to wander toward the worst case scenario stuff. I have an engraved St Christopher pendant which I could keep in my pocket so Iíll try that.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Skye on September 05, 2019, 05:49:37 PM
I carry a pebble in my pocket. There are several dotted around the house now, just ones Iíve chosen from nice places or that feel nice in my hand. I was very sceptical to begin with but I find them really grounding and really helpful in pulling my attention back to what I need to do for myself in that moment  :)
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on September 08, 2019, 01:33:37 PM
I can understand that, it can be more difficult to speak openly if someone else is there but it's also very intense. Maybe she could wait outside just in case things get too much?

I carry seashells with me because I like the different textures, smooth one one side, ridged on the other. :)
I don't know if this will help but I find it helpful to wear a hat because I can pull it down and cover my eyes if I get really anxious and I somehow feel saferwith a hat on.

Good luck.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 11, 2019, 12:49:16 PM
Thanks guys xx

I thought about asking someone to come, but I really donít want anyone there. Even in the building or to travel there with. I know itís a bit strange, but Iíd be way more anxious if I had company. Iíd rather go alone, leave alone then meet someone later in a completely separate place.

Iím not actually worried about the assessment part. Itís one of those things that Iíll just compartmentalise in my brain and be a bit detached from. Iím worried more about the consequences of any decision they make, but the actual assessment Iím not worried about. Which is maybe a bit strange. I donít know. Anyhow this time tomorrow the assessment part will be over and Iíll just have to try not to dwell on what might be, decision wise.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Tucan on September 11, 2019, 02:14:08 PM
That sounds like normal thinking to me.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Lauren on September 12, 2019, 07:59:06 AM
All the best with the assessment today :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Skye on September 12, 2019, 08:36:36 AM
Good luck  :hug2:

Weíre there with you, in your pocket x
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on September 12, 2019, 11:58:43 AM
Hope it's not too bad today.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 12, 2019, 12:23:03 PM
I think I got really lucky. The assessor was a really lovely lady. Obviously donít know what the decision will be but she helped make the assessment part ok. Took time to listen to my answers and helped make the questions understandable in relation to my MH. Feeling as positive as I can about it while still obviously worrying about the outcome. Should get a decision in 4-6 weeks.

Going for a cuppa now in the city before getting train home.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on September 12, 2019, 12:40:02 PM
I'm glad you had someone decent, that can make all the difference. The waiting period is crap but at least the worst part is over now. It's understandable to worry about the outcome.  :hug1: :hug2:

I think you deserve some cake with that cuppa :). You must feel relieved that it's over!
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: terrified heart on September 12, 2019, 01:06:51 PM
Yes Iím so glad itís over and it went well. She was really understanding about MH and did her best to make me relax and kept prompting how the question can cover MH. So I feel very lucky.

Iím in a cafe now having a peppermint tea and a chocolate twist  :cuppatime:

Iím so tired. I think I will allow myself a nap when I get home otherwise I think Iíll end up with a headache from tiredness.
Title: Re: Tough times
Post by: Vermilion on September 13, 2019, 09:41:46 AM