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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: purplebutterfly on March 09, 2019, 01:30:47 PM

Title: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 09, 2019, 01:30:47 PM
I have a diagnosis. CPTSD.

Now I have a diagnosis there are some things that I can see happening and understand but that I still canít control my responses and that is in some ways making it worse cause I feel I ought to be able to see it is all in the past and move on. My GP tells me I am doing great, and we may even have found some funding to start therapy.

I need the therapy but am really scared. The walls and boxes in my brain have protected me for so long. But the boxes have holes and the mortar is falling out of the walls. So things are getting steadily worse. I am c****** both arms now and that is not great. I canít stay on daily sleeping tablets so have to take them the night before I have a demanding day ahead.

So I have tentatively started talking to work. They knew I have suffered from hat we all thought was depression. Right now I should be in a staff meeting but had the courage to say it was making me feel physically ill thinking about it. So I am having a coffee. I have a meeting with the administrator on Thursday morning.

And I am scared. How honest am I? They canít understand fully. But I need help with some stuff. It feels like I could say something that will make them decide I am not fit for work. I am. Just. And if I lost that.... no words. So need a plan.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Skye on March 09, 2019, 01:53:10 PM
You are entitled to support/adaptations to allow you to do your job despite physical/mental health issues. Would it help to identify what is making work difficult and what might help? I understand you not wanting to say too much but working out the basics, like todayís staff meeting, might help before your meeting with the administrator. Talk it through on here if it helps  :hug1:
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 09, 2019, 06:50:31 PM
I know the theory, but as I am on a year by year contract I canít help worrying.

As to what would help...

The staff meeting was a first step. I guess it is mostly the interactions I have with other members of staff that I struggle with, particularly the director. The work is mostly one or two to one with children. That bit is okay most of the time. I only struggle if the children are in a mood which doesnít happen too often. But I always feel other people are judging me and they will realise I shouldnít really be there. This is particularly true of the people in charge. Even when I do get a reasonable adjustment like skipping things it feels like there is pressiure out on me to ďrise above itĒ and go to whatever I am missing anyway.

Just realised the group emails that go out get me too.

And then there is the organisation.... they are rubbish at that. I find that incredibly stressful. That issomething I donít see how that can be changed.

Lots to think of.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 10, 2019, 11:35:28 AM
There is indeed a lot to think of.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 11, 2019, 09:46:11 PM
Today I did some writing in preparation for the meeting. Found a good description of CPTSD online and copied it. I listed all the effects it has on me, and then took out the ones that donít affect me at work.

Then I started working on what would help me. Thatís the really tricky part. How do you explain that every little criticism has the potential to send me into a melt down? And that I donít think I deserve the job anyway? If I say that they will think I canít do the job.

 :16969:
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 13, 2019, 09:51:02 PM
It is hard. It is difficult to know what will help us. Plus we want to work.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 13, 2019, 11:48:55 PM
Been strugging.
Meeting tomorrow.
Not taking sleeping tablet tonight. Not supposed to take them every day and always do before they see me at work. Gives a false impression of how I am really.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 14, 2019, 12:23:39 PM
Been a difficult day and itís only 12:15. Back in bed.

GP first. She has refered me to psych, but last time she did a referal she heard nothing for 3 months. She said she might as well try as I am getting worse. Itís like acknowledging there was trauma has broken the locks on the boxes some of the memories wer hidden in. They are leaking out. Donít like it.

She also suggested someone to self refer to as I may have found a source of funding but need therapy ion place. That involved phoning. Did it. Appointment on 25th. GP away next week.  :'(

Then meeting about work. Feel reasonably positive about it. The 2 main concessions are sorted, the 3rd being tried. Hard to be open, but knew it was necessary.

Went for a bit of a walk.

Now exhausted.

We need a bed emoji
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 14, 2019, 12:51:47 PM
Sounds exhausting. Bless you. Also sounds like you got some positives out of it too.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 14, 2019, 07:15:58 PM
3 hours sleep
Then had to cancel a lot of work. Being self employed not good.
Just too tired to concentrate. And my body has no temperature control.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 14, 2019, 07:23:51 PM
That isn't good.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 15, 2019, 08:05:21 AM
Another night of on and off sleeping. Am sure I am dreaming stuff cause I wake up in various emotional states. No idea what, but some memories creeping back in during the day.
Sleeping tablet allowed tonight. That should help.
Busy day, though not as emotionally charged hopefully. Must write a to do list. Remembered to put the laundry on...
Great quote ďHaving CPTSD feels like you are always wading through mud.Ē
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 15, 2019, 01:58:43 PM
Take care of yourself. Keep on plodding. You will get there in the end.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Vermilion on March 16, 2019, 12:47:21 PM
I've been reading your posts but I've never been sure what to say.
Have you considered contacting survivor groups about the issues surrounding the reasons for the CPTSD? There are support groups for many different things; domestic abuse, rape and sexual abuse, miscarriage, bereavement, carers... It might help.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 16, 2019, 09:53:02 PM
Thanks Vermillion.
Had a little web search after I read your post. Tried to join a CPTSD forum a while ago but never got a response back. Think it might be USA based.
The issue is childhood emotional neglect / abuse and so far not had much luck finding anything. Will web search periodically in strong phases,
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 17, 2019, 12:43:52 PM
That's all you can do.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 17, 2019, 01:59:33 PM
My GP and I were not sure that the person I made an appointment with fot the 25th would be a good fit. Since then one of the other people she sugggested has got in touch. This feel better, so have found a therapist. She is away for 4 weeks, just as I find her, but the fact that the person I have been dealing with from her practise replied immediately to my email on a Saturday evening and has been conversing with me today as well makes me feel positive about the recommendation. Specialises in CPTSD. She was also willing to help me decided what to do as I told her my GP is now away till after the 25th.

So now just the task of cancelling appointment.... tried.....no answer machine  :'(
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 18, 2019, 10:30:30 AM
Phone call made. Appointment cancelled. No questions asked.
Person who looks much better qualified should be in touch week beginning April 15th....just need to try and stop myself shutting down before then.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Rob on March 18, 2019, 10:31:45 AM
Sounds positive for you  :emot-thumbsup11:   You've got this far - it's relatively not much longer  :)
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 18, 2019, 08:29:01 PM
Thanks Rob.
Really trying hard to hold on to the fact that the diagnosis is 5 weeks old so the struggle is totally understandable. And 4 weeks is relatively soon. 
But I am still c*****g regularly. Nothing serious. Just need to b***d. All fits nicely under mepore. It is how I am coping. Just have to release the pressure. Occasionally manage 2 days without. And I feel I am unraveling more and more day by day. All I could do yesterday was sleep.
I guess I have to accept that a trauma 20 years plus in the making is going to have a serious impact once recognised. Just hope I am strong enough to recover. Right now I donít feel I am worth enough for anyone to put in the time to help. And I have to apply for funding in that state of mind.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: sniper on March 18, 2019, 10:10:44 PM
PTSD in my experience so far, is horrible. I donít know what youíre going through because everyone experiences it differently. The worst part for me is sensations. I canít handle it. I have triggers that drive on the road and I have to be real lucky on not seeing one. I have to literally hold myself together because Iím usually driving. Kinda bad to be in a flashback whilst driving! Once Iím not driving, it all comes out to the surface. I get ashamed when it happens and people are around me so I hide away. No one sees it.

I tried getting the appropriate therapies to help (I have a personality disorder too) but my mum died the day after starting it. Havenít been stable since so was unable to carry on. My mum going was not the cause, it was everything. I guess Iíd held back everything for a year so I met the criteria with regards to no SH and self destructive behaviours, that when my mum died unexpectedly, it threw me off any type of positive progression.

I hope that you have a helpful therapist first time round and begin that long awaited road to recovery. Donít be too hard on yourself if there are days when things slip. It will be expected. It seems you have had a lot to process since finding out the cause. ( diagnosis I mean sorry).

Anywho, hope today was okay ish.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 18, 2019, 11:00:52 PM
Thanks Sniper
Was just coming on here to write that I am away from the people so why are they still in my head? I am a grown up so I ought to be able to move on. But it is taking over. What you wrote doesnít stop those feelings but it helps.
Today I was more awake that yesterday at least.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: sniper on March 19, 2019, 01:52:57 AM
Itís not easy to just move on. Whether we want to  or others want us to.

The people that I get my flashbacks from are all different but it happened back when I was 15-18. 3 occasions seperately. I thought it hadnít bothered me till I turned 19. Then again I thought it wasnít bad till I accidentally tried to get them charged for it in 2014. Since then, Iíve been having it on full scale. What you said about not being near the people now, doesnít make a difference sometimes. I get what youíre saying because I havenít been around those people in my past since I was 19.

Life has a cruel way of making people suffer years or decades after it happens. Please donít feel it shouldnít get to you now. Itís just life crapping all over us. We think itís done and dusted but in reality it can come and bite you in the ass. Sometimes when you least expect it.

I guess that being more awake yesterday is a good step forward. I hope today goes okay ish for you.

Sorry if anything I say is irrelevant or not helpful. I try to put my experiences in to help others know that they are not completely alone when it feels their world is crashing down around them. Sometimes to others it can be helpful, some not helpful. I donít know anyone here personally (I hope ) so I donít know if what I say will help them in some way. All I can do is try. Itís all written from my heart though so I never set out to make situations worse. I guess all we can do, is try. I would love to say something/ anything thatíll make a tiny difference to how someone feels in that moment. Thatís the type of personality I have. To help where I can even if I donít know how.

Iíll stop now lol.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 19, 2019, 02:52:07 AM
It does make a difference Sniper. And everyone else who comments or even just reads. I need to be heard to get better.

Being more awake yesterday was good. being awake at 2:30 a.m. is not

My situation is differnent - basically trauma from the day I was known to exist and they still had a degree of power until relatively recently. And I guess in some ways they still do. I have very few memories, but the emotional flashbacks are the killer, and I wake up with them. Canít say more. Terrified that somehow they will find out.

And the fact that this was trauma wasnít actually pointed out to me till 5 weeks ago.

Fortunately my GP  gets it somehow, and when she doesnít looks it up.

So if you can get your sort of flashbacks having not seen people for that long, I guess I need to be kinder to myself.

Might try that sleep thing again.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 19, 2019, 05:05:22 AM
So if you can get your sort of flashbacks having not seen people for that long, I guess I need to be kinder to myself
[/quo

You do need to be kinder to yourself.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 19, 2019, 08:51:04 AM
I am up.
I have injured.
Need to add steristrips but can't as in hotel with Mr PB.
Will make better scars if I don't.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 19, 2019, 10:17:40 AM
Found a support forum for CPTSD! Already found a post about a symptom I felt was mine alone. Thank you Vermillion and Tucan for the little prod to keep trying.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 19, 2019, 12:05:20 PM
Happy you have found somewhere.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 19, 2019, 01:28:24 PM
Stuck myself back together
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 19, 2019, 05:47:03 PM
Bless you.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 22, 2019, 12:46:44 PM
Done stuff. Need to do more stuff.
Need energy.
Injuring will help.
C****** on top of c***.
Not good.
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Tucan on March 22, 2019, 03:41:53 PM
What distractions can you do to occupy yourself
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 22, 2019, 04:52:44 PM
Feel guilty as my distractions feel like time wasting.
Did injure again. Pain helps.
Now sat in a car. Will be away from home till much later and actually managed to leave tool at home. Thatís progress I guess. If I am totally honest I donít want to stop. It is what keeps me grounded. If I didnít use it to silence the demons in my head they would take over v
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: Vermilion on March 24, 2019, 04:05:39 PM
Sometimes the thought of stopping SH is daunting but that's only because we haven't learnt other coping mechanisms. Over time as issues are resolved urges will lessen.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Telling people *trig SH*
Post by: purplebutterfly on March 24, 2019, 06:23:07 PM
Hope the urges do go away one day. My GP says I will stop when I am ready.
Need help with the issues. In the waiting phase for that.