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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 03:09:10 PM

Title: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 03:09:10 PM
So.... new thread cause desire to cut getting stronger and stronger. Not suicidal. Yet. Have been in the past.

Things in my life arenít too bad at the moment. Love my job, though canít do it full time cause of MH. Got a great husband, 3 cats and a supportive GP. This is after a really rough patch when the SH started again affter 10 months cut free.

But I just want to cut and cut. There are very few days when I donít act on this. Itís like that is what is keeping me able to function. Definitely need to when my emotions start surfacing. I have supressed them for so many years.

Can pinpoint the day I finally fully broke after many years struggling with childhood trauma.... July 21st 2009. My close friend drowned. July 22nd 2009 my best friend told me her cancer was terminal. Had phoned to tell her about my other friend. She died October 29th 2009. These 4 months changed everything. The only way to cope was up the antidepressants and shut down. Jump to 2015. Couldnít contain everything any longer. SH started. Well cutting. Had already done 20 plus years with ED and then tried alcohol. Both those stopped me functioning. So cutting came.  So much better.

And now I want to feel again. I want my music back and the only way to have that is to feel. But this is really frightening, and when I do feel I get really scared. Overwhelmed. If I show them to other people I fear they wonít want to be near me because they are so violent at times. Especially if I get angry or really sad.

 :62272:
And I am so angry. Angry at the sea for taking my friend in front of his wife and 2 of his 4 girls (university aged at the time) Angry at cancer for eating my friend. Angry at my relatives for being so f@#£)*& useless, particularly my sister for manipulating my entire life until I devided to disown her.

Angry at myself for not being able to let go. But I donít know how to shout.

And sad. So sad. But I donít know how to cry.

So I cut. And cut. And cut. I want to right now. And I want to go deeper and deeper.

Going to walk now. In the cold. With my other half. But I know I want to find a quiet place and hide and cut as soon as I can.

 :banghead:


Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 11, 2019, 03:12:53 PM
 :hug2:
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 07:12:53 PM
Finally found the space. Bleeding.
Relief.
Can breathe again.
But can already feel the pressure building again.
Canít say that anywhere but here.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 11, 2019, 07:32:13 PM
Bless you. Sounds really difficult. Take care. Why don't you join us in the random thread.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 07:52:48 PM
Which thread do you mean?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 11, 2019, 08:17:13 PM
It's a general distraction chat thread. It's in the rainbow room. The title changes but will always have the word random in capitals in it. RANDOM
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 05:19:28 AM
I woke up at 4:30. Again. This is a nightmare today as I am not at home so donít have all my usual distraction stuff at hand. Mostly  :chococat_h4h: :chococat_h4h: and :chococat_h4h:
So lying in bed on ipad playing stupid games, and thinking about cutting more.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 07:36:05 AM
Feeling calm now.
Watched the blood drip in the white hotel sink. No one I know understands how that helps. To be honest, neither do I. Just does. Calming.
Day ahead one with no specific plans. Not the best, but feel ready for it now.
Will try and use random thread a bit.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 12, 2019, 08:52:42 AM
Bless you. Stay strong and don't give yourself a hard time.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 11:56:13 AM
a lot of pain.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 12, 2019, 05:18:27 PM
Bless you. Do you need medical attention?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 07:26:26 PM
Thanks for checking
no. Very rarely do. Just cuts on top of cuts.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 12, 2019, 07:55:58 PM
Bless you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 09:47:30 AM
Off to Quaker Meeting.
One friend there knows. Not strong enough to leave tool at home.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 02:51:00 PM
How was your meeting?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 03:55:46 PM
Meeting was good, but emotionally challenging. Stopping in the quiet often is. But it is a supportive environment.
Faced my anger head on. Could almost see it. Big b**ning ball. And acknowledged how scary it is.
But someone ministered about a past difficulties often being what makes you strong. Useful.
Did get too much and I cut -
red tears of anger.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 05:30:02 PM
Bless you. Sounds like you could do with some form of therapy to be able to talk about the triggers in your life. You sound so overwhelmed.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 06:06:34 PM
My GP tried to refer me to IAPT for more therapy. I saw them a few years ago and improved my understanding a lot. Managed to stop SH for a bit. Then had this recent crisis. IAPT have said that therapy is ďnot appropriateĒ because I clearly ďdidnít respondĒ and I am currently self harming.

I am really, really lucky. I have an amazing GP whois seeing me every week for about half an hour. She believes in me. She doesnít worry about the SH. Says I will stop when I am ready. Addressing the anger and sadness is important. In fact generally feeling is a good plan. Need to learn how.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 06:17:58 PM
Iapt were good with me. Then they referred me to cmht when I got too much for them. Have you thought about a private counsellor?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 07:30:48 PM
The person who I saw at IAPT was amazing. Got a lot done and had more that the requisite 16 sessions. I am not considered unwell enough for CMHT. No funds for private counselling.

I have to admit this bout of SH is bad, but I am learning about emotions again. My emotional needs were ignored when I was growing up (to quote IAPT counsellor my childhood was ďtraumatic and disruptiveĒ and I never felt safe) Then just as I was learning to trust people and share emotions I lost 2 of the people I loved most, so I shut down. So we are dealing with many, many years of burying everything.

So, my GP thinks going back over all this is unnecessary. I tend to agree. She says I need to learn to process emotions and let them go. I ďjustĒ need to learn not to let them scare me.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 07:47:27 PM
There is help out there to help you deal with emotions. I pay £5 a week for counselling.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 08:52:02 PM
The 2 places that offer reasonably priced therapy arenít taking referrals at the moment. My GP is helping, and clearly understands more that your average GP. Going to have to deal with it all how I have been.

But writing on here does help.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 09:21:31 PM
That is good that here is helping you. What is good about your life at rhe moment?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 09:28:42 PM
3 cats, husband, archery,
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 14, 2019, 09:53:55 AM
They seem like good things. It is good that you can see some positive in your life.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 14, 2019, 10:47:42 AM
They are good things.
My music is also a good thing, but a bit of a problem at the moment as it exposes emotions. Spent quite a lot of time talking about this to GP last week.
I do plan to tell my GP about the ball of fire that built up inside me yesterday. Still very tired from that - so need to stop the self criticism I have already started this morning about being too tired to do anything practical.
Writing really helps.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 14, 2019, 02:00:21 PM
Happy that writing really helps you. Take care. It is good that you can communicate ith your gp. My last cpn tried to get me to to balance the negative in my life, that I was focusing on, with the good things in my life at the time she said it it was my holiday, and new baby on the way with my sister. Sometimes it is easy to focus on the negatives.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 15, 2019, 05:00:57 PM
beating myself up.
Too much sleeping.
3 till 8 yesterday afternoon, 10:30 last night till 4:30 this morning, then back to bed from 7:30 till 10
Didnít do pilates or archery or practice today, all of which I meant to.
Now cut in order to get through work which starts in 1 minute when first pupil arrives. Bleeding through 2 layers of mepore.
Hear pupil getting out of car.
Put on happy mask.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 15, 2019, 06:17:00 PM
It sounds really tough for you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 08:24:34 AM
2 days. Done quite well.
Bit of a frustrating GP visit Wednesday. Couldnít express myself clearly cause all was confused in my head. But was able to tell my other half, and going to write stuff down for next time.
Did practise and teaching and a bit of walking.
No SH for a whole 2days!

Today .... not feeling good. No real reason which I find hard. Not used to fluctuations in emotion. Trying to let it ride but feel I ought to do stuff. Kind of want to too. But want some comfort and SH gives me that.

Going to try not to. But not sure how long I can last. Teaching in an hour.

So, open curtains, put in last load of laundry, get out flute.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 10:57:40 AM
2 days free is fantastic. Well-done chick.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 11:44:49 AM
Thanks
So far so good today, but feel I will later. Building up.
If I can hold on another hour we are going to choir.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 12:40:36 PM
Out of the house.
tool in pocket.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 03:18:24 PM
Bless you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 06:13:11 PM
well.....
nice walk, but got very wet at the end
cut before it. Feel better for it.
A bit disappointed in myself. But not very. And then think I should have tried harder.
Work day tomorrow....
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 06:56:12 PM
Good luck at work.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 08:10:17 PM
Thank you. Hope it doesnít snow too much...

You have work as well?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 09:27:06 PM
In the morning.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 19, 2019, 09:44:16 AM
Been at work for a bit.
Cut from this morning steristripped. Woke up at 5 and determined to something practical.
Now :sofa1: seems a good plan. Canít
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 19, 2019, 12:05:11 PM
Keep going