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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 03:09:10 PM

Title: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 03:09:10 PM
So.... new thread cause desire to cut getting stronger and stronger. Not suicidal. Yet. Have been in the past.

Things in my life arenít too bad at the moment. Love my job, though canít do it full time cause of MH. Got a great husband, 3 cats and a supportive GP. This is after a really rough patch when the SH started again affter 10 months cut free.

But I just want to cut and cut. There are very few days when I donít act on this. Itís like that is what is keeping me able to function. Definitely need to when my emotions start surfacing. I have supressed them for so many years.

Can pinpoint the day I finally fully broke after many years struggling with childhood trauma.... July 21st 2009. My close friend drowned. July 22nd 2009 my best friend told me her cancer was terminal. Had phoned to tell her about my other friend. She died October 29th 2009. These 4 months changed everything. The only way to cope was up the antidepressants and shut down. Jump to 2015. Couldnít contain everything any longer. SH started. Well cutting. Had already done 20 plus years with ED and then tried alcohol. Both those stopped me functioning. So cutting came.  So much better.

And now I want to feel again. I want my music back and the only way to have that is to feel. But this is really frightening, and when I do feel I get really scared. Overwhelmed. If I show them to other people I fear they wonít want to be near me because they are so violent at times. Especially if I get angry or really sad.

 :62272:
And I am so angry. Angry at the sea for taking my friend in front of his wife and 2 of his 4 girls (university aged at the time) Angry at cancer for eating my friend. Angry at my relatives for being so f@#£)*& useless, particularly my sister for manipulating my entire life until I devided to disown her.

Angry at myself for not being able to let go. But I donít know how to shout.

And sad. So sad. But I donít know how to cry.

So I cut. And cut. And cut. I want to right now. And I want to go deeper and deeper.

Going to walk now. In the cold. With my other half. But I know I want to find a quiet place and hide and cut as soon as I can.

 :banghead:


Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 11, 2019, 03:12:53 PM
 :hug2:
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 07:12:53 PM
Finally found the space. Bleeding.
Relief.
Can breathe again.
But can already feel the pressure building again.
Canít say that anywhere but here.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 11, 2019, 07:32:13 PM
Bless you. Sounds really difficult. Take care. Why don't you join us in the random thread.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 11, 2019, 07:52:48 PM
Which thread do you mean?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 11, 2019, 08:17:13 PM
It's a general distraction chat thread. It's in the rainbow room. The title changes but will always have the word random in capitals in it. RANDOM
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 05:19:28 AM
I woke up at 4:30. Again. This is a nightmare today as I am not at home so donít have all my usual distraction stuff at hand. Mostly  :chococat_h4h: :chococat_h4h: and :chococat_h4h:
So lying in bed on ipad playing stupid games, and thinking about cutting more.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 07:36:05 AM
Feeling calm now.
Watched the blood drip in the white hotel sink. No one I know understands how that helps. To be honest, neither do I. Just does. Calming.
Day ahead one with no specific plans. Not the best, but feel ready for it now.
Will try and use random thread a bit.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 12, 2019, 08:52:42 AM
Bless you. Stay strong and don't give yourself a hard time.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 11:56:13 AM
a lot of pain.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 12, 2019, 05:18:27 PM
Bless you. Do you need medical attention?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 12, 2019, 07:26:26 PM
Thanks for checking
no. Very rarely do. Just cuts on top of cuts.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 12, 2019, 07:55:58 PM
Bless you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 09:47:30 AM
Off to Quaker Meeting.
One friend there knows. Not strong enough to leave tool at home.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 02:51:00 PM
How was your meeting?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 03:55:46 PM
Meeting was good, but emotionally challenging. Stopping in the quiet often is. But it is a supportive environment.
Faced my anger head on. Could almost see it. Big b**ning ball. And acknowledged how scary it is.
But someone ministered about a past difficulties often being what makes you strong. Useful.
Did get too much and I cut -
red tears of anger.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 05:30:02 PM
Bless you. Sounds like you could do with some form of therapy to be able to talk about the triggers in your life. You sound so overwhelmed.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 06:06:34 PM
My GP tried to refer me to IAPT for more therapy. I saw them a few years ago and improved my understanding a lot. Managed to stop SH for a bit. Then had this recent crisis. IAPT have said that therapy is ďnot appropriateĒ because I clearly ďdidnít respondĒ and I am currently self harming.

I am really, really lucky. I have an amazing GP whois seeing me every week for about half an hour. She believes in me. She doesnít worry about the SH. Says I will stop when I am ready. Addressing the anger and sadness is important. In fact generally feeling is a good plan. Need to learn how.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 06:17:58 PM
Iapt were good with me. Then they referred me to cmht when I got too much for them. Have you thought about a private counsellor?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 07:30:48 PM
The person who I saw at IAPT was amazing. Got a lot done and had more that the requisite 16 sessions. I am not considered unwell enough for CMHT. No funds for private counselling.

I have to admit this bout of SH is bad, but I am learning about emotions again. My emotional needs were ignored when I was growing up (to quote IAPT counsellor my childhood was ďtraumatic and disruptiveĒ and I never felt safe) Then just as I was learning to trust people and share emotions I lost 2 of the people I loved most, so I shut down. So we are dealing with many, many years of burying everything.

So, my GP thinks going back over all this is unnecessary. I tend to agree. She says I need to learn to process emotions and let them go. I ďjustĒ need to learn not to let them scare me.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 07:47:27 PM
There is help out there to help you deal with emotions. I pay £5 a week for counselling.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 08:52:02 PM
The 2 places that offer reasonably priced therapy arenít taking referrals at the moment. My GP is helping, and clearly understands more that your average GP. Going to have to deal with it all how I have been.

But writing on here does help.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 13, 2019, 09:21:31 PM
That is good that here is helping you. What is good about your life at rhe moment?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 13, 2019, 09:28:42 PM
3 cats, husband, archery,
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 14, 2019, 09:53:55 AM
They seem like good things. It is good that you can see some positive in your life.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 14, 2019, 10:47:42 AM
They are good things.
My music is also a good thing, but a bit of a problem at the moment as it exposes emotions. Spent quite a lot of time talking about this to GP last week.
I do plan to tell my GP about the ball of fire that built up inside me yesterday. Still very tired from that - so need to stop the self criticism I have already started this morning about being too tired to do anything practical.
Writing really helps.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 14, 2019, 02:00:21 PM
Happy that writing really helps you. Take care. It is good that you can communicate ith your gp. My last cpn tried to get me to to balance the negative in my life, that I was focusing on, with the good things in my life at the time she said it it was my holiday, and new baby on the way with my sister. Sometimes it is easy to focus on the negatives.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 15, 2019, 05:00:57 PM
beating myself up.
Too much sleeping.
3 till 8 yesterday afternoon, 10:30 last night till 4:30 this morning, then back to bed from 7:30 till 10
Didnít do pilates or archery or practice today, all of which I meant to.
Now cut in order to get through work which starts in 1 minute when first pupil arrives. Bleeding through 2 layers of mepore.
Hear pupil getting out of car.
Put on happy mask.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 15, 2019, 06:17:00 PM
It sounds really tough for you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 08:24:34 AM
2 days. Done quite well.
Bit of a frustrating GP visit Wednesday. Couldnít express myself clearly cause all was confused in my head. But was able to tell my other half, and going to write stuff down for next time.
Did practise and teaching and a bit of walking.
No SH for a whole 2days!

Today .... not feeling good. No real reason which I find hard. Not used to fluctuations in emotion. Trying to let it ride but feel I ought to do stuff. Kind of want to too. But want some comfort and SH gives me that.

Going to try not to. But not sure how long I can last. Teaching in an hour.

So, open curtains, put in last load of laundry, get out flute.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 10:57:40 AM
2 days free is fantastic. Well-done chick.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 11:44:49 AM
Thanks
So far so good today, but feel I will later. Building up.
If I can hold on another hour we are going to choir.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 12:40:36 PM
Out of the house.
tool in pocket.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 03:18:24 PM
Bless you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 06:13:11 PM
well.....
nice walk, but got very wet at the end
cut before it. Feel better for it.
A bit disappointed in myself. But not very. And then think I should have tried harder.
Work day tomorrow....
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 06:56:12 PM
Good luck at work.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 18, 2019, 08:10:17 PM
Thank you. Hope it doesnít snow too much...

You have work as well?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 18, 2019, 09:27:06 PM
In the morning.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 19, 2019, 09:44:16 AM
Been at work for a bit.
Cut from this morning steristripped. Woke up at 5 and determined to something practical.
Now :sofa1: seems a good plan. Canít
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 19, 2019, 12:05:11 PM
Keep going
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 19, 2019, 09:34:24 PM
kept going....
with a few cuts on the way.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 20, 2019, 12:04:51 PM
Bless you
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 23, 2019, 08:28:04 AM
Bad day yesterday.
Sudden cancellation of something I had been building up to doing. Held it together for a bit then started cutting. Didnít want to stop. Nothing deep, just enough to bleed.
Calmed down with help from SI support line (wish that was about daily)
Then this morning todayís plans have just changed. Need to try and avoid same thing happening again.

But want my tool already. Really tough when urge starts this early in the day.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 23, 2019, 10:38:34 AM
Hugs. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 24, 2019, 04:33:15 PM
One of those days where I feel rotten for no apparent reason. Agoot cut would help.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 24, 2019, 04:41:19 PM
Bless you. Take care. I am still listening to you. Anything else happen today?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 24, 2019, 10:03:30 PM
Has now...
Small injuries. Cut deeper than intended. Not too awful, but have to be careful. Allergic to 2 strains of antibiotics so should be careful not to get infected.
Was working on pupil expressing emotion in a piece. Triggered me. Didnít realise that until walking home from small injuries.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 25, 2019, 08:48:40 AM
Bless you. Take care.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 25, 2019, 12:40:44 PM
Feeling numb. Choir. Shopping.
tool at home.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 25, 2019, 05:34:16 PM
Numb isn't good. Bless you. Take care. How has today gone?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 25, 2019, 06:04:20 PM
Not too bad. Choir helped, despite the sore throat. But my husband, who is an amputee, is now having debilitating phantom pains which doesnít help. Fighting urges. Bandage already off yesterdayís but steri strips still in place. Worked out where I can cut.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 25, 2019, 06:43:07 PM
Stay strong. Bless your husband. Sounds difficult for both of you. Happy that choir helped you
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 29, 2019, 08:38:44 AM
So...
Not doing too well, but wearing a happy mask. Left arm area rathercut up. Seriously considering moving to right. Just so unsettled with British Gas fitting new boiler yesterday and my asthma playing up badly. Went out to cut twice yesterday. Not deep enough for small injuries. Just needed some blood. Whatís stopping the move to the right arm is how sad my husband would be. Really really want to right now.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 29, 2019, 09:15:50 AM
It is good that you have a protective factor to help keep you safe. Keep talking on here.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 29, 2019, 09:36:17 AM
My other half has now gone back to bed. Had to get up early for a last check on the new boiler.
At a loose end with my asthma the worst ir has been in ages so not even sure I can play the flute today. Might give it a go.
We him in bed, could cut.
Urge increasing. Donít really know why.
Suppose I could go to bed myself.
Telly I think
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 29, 2019, 11:21:44 AM
Started on the other arm
Not deep enough
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 29, 2019, 12:15:02 PM
Bless you. Take care of it and look after it. We are all here to help you.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 29, 2019, 01:47:25 PM
Hurts more on uncut skin
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 29, 2019, 05:20:39 PM
Aww bless you. Take care, look after yourself.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 29, 2019, 06:39:22 PM
Just want to cut and cut, but it hurts
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 29, 2019, 07:35:57 PM
I understand that. I am here to listen to you.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 29, 2019, 09:43:25 PM
texted through the evening to selfinjurysupport.org. Helped. They never give advice, but acknowledge the need for support and the feeling I have.
In bed now. Want to cut more. Wonít tonight.
GP tomorrow. Too much to say, Need to write stuff down I think.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 29, 2019, 10:13:35 PM
Writing stuff down is a good idea.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 30, 2019, 02:48:42 PM
Seen GP. I was able to ask her how long she can keep seeing me. She says not to even think abot that. It will be for as long as I need it - she has a patient she now sees once a month who she has been seeing for 15 years.

She listened. I was able to explain about last week and small injuries - it comes up on my records so no hiding it. She tries so hard, and says I am a lot better. She says I need to learn to love myself, but she knows it is easy to say hard to do after 52 years not doing. These emotion things are tough. But as she says, human.

I am off work with my asthma now. Not the best. Feel I let people down, and donít get paid. But my head feels like it will explode. Being sensible is tough.

Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 30, 2019, 04:37:33 PM
It is tough.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 31, 2019, 06:48:28 PM
Given up
No work today, Or yesterday. Or tomorrow. Loss of money. Asthma settled a bit. Interesting since it is aggravated by stress. Also have increased inhaler dosage.
Want to SH. Frustrated.
Stupid traumatic childhood. Screwed up my brain. Kinda understand the impact. But most people seem to think I should just ďget over itĒ And definitely think my main focus should be to stop SH. Canít do that till I am ready. Iím not ready.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on January 31, 2019, 08:44:05 PM
I think you need some counselling to get to the route of your pain.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on January 31, 2019, 11:02:35 PM
Have had some. Did well. Got back on track. Do have a fair idea of where the pain comes from. Just donít know how to express the emotions I have, or how to cope with them.
Relapse. GP referred me back to IAPT. Had assessment. Result ďconnselling not appropriate as I currently SHĒ which means that I ďdonít respondĒ The appointment when the GP told me that was rather long. Hence her weekly appointments. She was ďdisappointed but not surprisedĒ
So apparently there is a cure to mental health issues so I should get better. Really helped that did.
Have done a little bit of looking at private counselling online but I donít fancy just picking someone off the web. And we canít really afford it.
AM going to talk to GP next week.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 01, 2019, 05:27:29 PM
I go to private counselling every week. I pay £5 but they normally start at £10 per session on a sliding scale.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 01, 2019, 06:05:35 PM
All the places that do reduced prices are full - probably due to our IAPT being so picky about who they will treat.
Will talk to GP again on Wednesday.
Have done a bit of self care today - booked a friend who ghas recently set up as cleaner to deep clean our house. That has made me feel loads better.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 01, 2019, 06:19:23 PM
That's good. Bless you.

Could you go o to a waiting list for counselling?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 01, 2019, 07:41:29 PM
They arenít even putting people on waiting lists. Collapsing system
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 01, 2019, 08:23:42 PM
That's rubbish. Sorry not sure what else to suggest to you.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 01, 2019, 08:45:42 PM
Itís ok.
As I said, I will talk to my GP on Wednesday. It is something I will have to work out. Just get really frustrated about it all sometimes. I am trying to get well and my GP asks for what I need to do that and request is refused. The SH has to stop first - I need the symptom to go away without treating the illness. My GP gets it better than IAPT. She says I will stop when I am ready. I am trying to believe her.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 01, 2019, 09:18:24 PM
You need help to stop the sh.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 01, 2019, 09:34:39 PM
The GP knows that and is doing her best. She gets it. And she tells me I am getting better. I need to talk it out more with her if she can let me. It didnít help that when I saw her last week my asthma was seriously out of control and we had to deal with that. It was also making me extra miserable. I am only coughing when I move suddenly or lie down now...
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 02, 2019, 08:15:15 AM
How are you today? Your gp sounds lovely
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 02, 2019, 01:54:48 PM
 Very, very lucky with GP.

Bad nights sleep. At work. Half day gone. Cut to get here. Original arm. Deeper easier on weak skin. Trying not to go hide in toilet to do it again.


Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 02, 2019, 05:41:23 PM
Look after yourself.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 04, 2019, 07:32:57 AM
Did cut again Saturday.
Not yesterday.
On mind today.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 04, 2019, 02:17:25 PM
It will be. Sorry things are are difficult for you.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 04, 2019, 02:48:56 PM
Doing pretty good so far today.
I can finally breathe which is nice.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 04, 2019, 06:18:20 PM
That is good.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 06, 2019, 12:18:32 PM
Managed 3 days with no SI (prefer term self injury to self harm)
Really donít feel like I will make a 4th. Pressure building. Saw GP. She was impressed, but not unrealistic. Says I am am noticeably calmer than 3 months ago when I started cutting again. Is hard to see when I am in the middle of it and feel like my head might explode.
We talked about why thoughts that I would like to have an instantly fatal accident come into my head. She says it is when the thoughts all get too much. Not suicidal. Not brave enough. Just sometimes want the decision made for me. GP says Iím a survivor.
  :sofa1:
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 06, 2019, 03:26:47 PM
You are a survivor. 3 days si free is an achievement for you at this point in time. Your gp does sound very good.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 06, 2019, 10:10:13 PM
Ah well
I guess it was inevitable
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 07, 2019, 08:06:43 AM
Have you hurt yourself again?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 07, 2019, 08:46:31 AM
Yes. Last night. Felt so much better after.
Tough this morning though. Am currently at archery imagining the target is my messed up brain. Shooting quite well...
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 07, 2019, 10:41:12 AM
Shooting well is good.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 07, 2019, 01:34:39 PM
Glad I went, but had to go to bed when I got home. Could happily have stayed in bed, but my other half had to get me up for work.
Know I will cut shortly.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 07, 2019, 01:42:06 PM
Bless you. Sorry it is so difficult for you.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 07, 2019, 07:19:34 PM
Is easier to teach when I know I am bleeding under my long sleeved shirt.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 07, 2019, 08:43:57 PM
That is sad to hear.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 10, 2019, 05:51:37 PM
Really struggling right now.
Nothing compared to many but am so fed up. Want to cut so badly but would make my other half feel so guilty.
Am somewhere I donít want to be doing something I donít want to do for him.
He said I donít have to but that he wanted me to.
So tired.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2019, 06:42:28 PM
Have you tried reaching out to the Samaritans?
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 10, 2019, 06:50:58 PM
Calmed down a bit. Had an Oreo milkshake at Burger King.
Canít phone anyone and the text number is not on their website. It just says ďWe do currently provide help via SMS but are only advertising the number in a limited way at the moment.Ē
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2019, 09:14:14 PM
See robs posts I think it is on that.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 10, 2019, 10:24:28 PM
Doing a lot better. In bed.
Canít find the relevant post for Samaritans.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2019, 10:34:29 PM
07725909090
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 10, 2019, 10:45:50 PM
Thank you
Need that in my phone.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2019, 09:26:18 AM
You do indeed.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 11, 2019, 02:42:41 PM
Actaully got through the really strong emotions without cutting.
Quite an acheivemant. Ready to be at home though.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2019, 04:12:51 PM
That is great news.
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: purplebutterfly on February 12, 2019, 07:31:23 PM
Got blood on my trousers. Had to decide whether to hope my other half didnít notice or to change them which he would notice.
Stayed in the ones I was wearing and hope no one noticed
Title: Re: just want to SH *trig SH ED alcohol
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2019, 10:34:32 PM
Bless you. Take care.