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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: Tucan on April 25, 2018, 01:23:23 PM

Title: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 25, 2018, 01:23:23 PM
Think my mood is starting to go high. Some days I am sleeping less, I didn't go bed until 4am last night and was awake at 6. I did get a couple of hours on the sofa beforehand. I am being more impulsive recently and been spending more. I even ended up spending £100 on 2 guinea pigs. Some days my thoughts start to speed up and my speech but the next day I am ok. I am tempted to not tell my cpn as I like feeling good and it isn't too bad at the moment. I don't want my meds altering as I don't want to go depressed or risk spacing out at work. I know I need to talk to her about it but I feel like keeping it to myself just a little bit longer
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on April 25, 2018, 05:37:26 PM
The problem is that these high moods can cause massive problems, as an example you can end up spending money that you don't have which can lead to money problems which in turn can have a negative impact on your MH. Plus there's the inevitable crash afterwards, the deep depression that tend to happen after a high. It's really important that you tell your CPN but if you explain your worries about the meds she might be able to suggest a different med or perhaps something that can help.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 25, 2018, 05:43:21 PM
Thank you. I just want to talk to people.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 26, 2018, 07:44:01 PM
I am scared if I tell the cmht they will change my meds. I am scared of having my meds changed. I am scared or the depression returning or an increase in ap will make me space out and it will become difficult at work again. I like feeling good and at the moment it isn't too bad. I just like feeling good for a change. I know it has the potential to get out of control but at the moment it isn't out of control.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on April 27, 2018, 08:50:30 AM
I totally get the feeling of wanting to enjoy the good. After the lows the highs are intoxicating, however you know the inevitable crash will hit hard. It doesn't make it any easier to temper the high though. I guess it's about you making the choice but being aware of potential consequences or repercussions of things which may happen during the high.  :hug1: as far as talking to your cpn goes, no one can force you to change meds, if you're honest about how you're feeling maybe you can work together? My GP said to me once, and it stuck with me, it was when I stopped talking to her and shut her out that she became concerned and would start imposing certain things. So long as communication was maintained there was room for choice and control. Stay strong and brave  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on April 27, 2018, 12:04:02 PM
I agree with the above, make sure that you tell your CPN so that she's aware even if you don't want your medication changed.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 27, 2018, 12:22:51 PM
Ok thanks. I been a little high today at work.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 27, 2018, 05:31:41 PM
I was a bit bouncy this morning. Talking fast at people, being really witty, feeling like I am on fire (because I was that good at). Then this afternoon I have been irritable telling the volunteers off for being too hyper. Little things have annoyed me this afternoon. That isn't like me. Then I started to get all impulsive again and wanted to buy a games console. I still cannot eat a lot. Not sure if I feel excitable or irritated!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 27, 2018, 05:35:22 PM
I was so imaginative this morning. I told everyone I was going to get a dragon for work and train it to breath fire at customers that don't follow the rules. I was also on about turning into a monster with hand signals.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 27, 2018, 06:32:01 PM
I was on the ball this morning however this afternoon I went quite scatty. I was distracted midway through making a tea and forgot how to make it. I sent somebody to lock the front gate when I had locked it 2 minutes beforehand.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 28, 2018, 05:32:37 PM
I am calmer and hungrier today.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on April 28, 2018, 08:08:26 PM
It's good that you're feeling a bit calmer today. :) It's a good idea to tell someone about these moods though, do you think it could be the recent med change? Or have you perhaps forgotten to take them sometimes? I know I forget sometimes. I'm a bit concerned that you could do something irrational when you're not thinking clearly that could mess things up for you.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 28, 2018, 08:16:44 PM
I have been taking my meds as prescribed recently. I think it possible due to high dose of antidepressants and small dose of antipsychotics. I am drinking a lot more alcohol than normal. I nearly bought a games console that I didn't need not want. I am not really high though. Today I am more normal. Thank you for helping me despite your struggling.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on April 28, 2018, 08:33:05 PM
Was it your AP that was making you too drowsy? If so maybe you could try a different one and reduce your AD so that you're mood stays a bit more stable?  If you spend money that you don't have it can lead to serious problems.

We all help each other here, you've helped me too  :) :hug2:.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 28, 2018, 08:35:44 PM
Aww bless you. That's ok. I am scared of changing my meds though. It was the antipsychotics that were making me spacey at work. I have had some alcohol.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on April 28, 2018, 08:48:22 PM
Perhaps it could be worth trying another AP, not all of them have sedative affects. Could you book a quicker appt with your psychiatrist for a med review if you don't want to see your CPN?
As long as you don't go overboard then enjoy a drink, most people are doing the same tonight :).
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 28, 2018, 09:02:17 PM
I only had the one drink but I am drinking more than normal recently. I do need to talk to the cpn.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 29, 2018, 05:55:00 PM
Work prefer me the way I am. I am funny, sociable. I want to go out tonight and have fun but there is nobody to go with me. My sister wants me to see the cpn and have a possible med increase. I am scared of them tinkering with my meds. I don't want to go depressed again. I like feeling like this and at the moment it isn't out of control. I am scared the cpn will stop it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on April 29, 2018, 08:41:06 PM
slight tinkering should only keep you 'somewhere in the middle' without getting too high, and it'll be less than a major tinker should it get out of control. The last thing that anyone wants is for you to get depressed.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 29, 2018, 08:47:27 PM
I certainly don't want to get depressed. I am quite enjoying feeling great. I have been higher in the past.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 29, 2018, 09:24:03 PM
Work prefer me the way I am and say I am looking a lot better.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on April 30, 2018, 08:30:24 AM
Your cpn won't want to take the nice feeling away, she may just want to maintain contact with you to help you keep an eye on how you're feeling.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 30, 2018, 11:52:10 AM
Thank you. I am feeling calmer again today. More normal.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 30, 2018, 06:00:17 PM
I even managed a nap today. Not sure how I feel about that.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on April 30, 2018, 10:26:45 PM
Baby steps. Take care x
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on April 30, 2018, 10:35:07 PM
Thank you. I was considering exchanging my car for a brand new model on my way home. I cannot afford a new car. Guess I still need to take care. It just feela good to be high. I just have to make sure it doesn't go too far. I shall see how I am tomorrow. See the cpn Wednesday.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 01, 2018, 11:17:08 PM
I see the cpn tomorrow. I am quite nervous and unsure what to say. Been to the bipolar support group this evening. They think I need my mood stabilizer increasing. I am worried this could leave me phasing out again. At work.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 02, 2018, 10:39:29 AM
The cpn is happy that I am calming down on my own and have insight. She isn't changing my meds. Thank god. She is happy to see me being so well. She doesn't think meds are the answer for me. She is happy for me to breed my.piggies as it's my hobby. She is happy I didn't buy a car and would have looked down on me if I did get a Skoda. She thinks I am just settling down on the new meds regime. She wants to make sure I don't get to the point where I am selling dragons at work.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 02, 2018, 01:22:01 PM
Hopefully it is just a case of things settling down but I'm glad you're being honest with your CPN too, it's a good idea to monitor things. I'm glad that you seem to be on the mend :).  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 02, 2018, 01:38:46 PM
Thank you. It's just good to feel good for a change. I am tired now though. Got another busy day on today.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 03, 2018, 09:47:07 AM
Well done for being open with her  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 03, 2018, 06:10:47 PM
Thank you. I have been calmer again today though I was starting to get carried away whilst I was shopping. A
Just need to keep an eye on it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 04, 2018, 04:54:14 PM
I'm so glad that you're feeling better, it's been rough for you lately. As long as you keep being honest with your CPN things should stay that way :).
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 04, 2018, 05:37:17 PM
Thank you. Had another 'chat' at work and been told.i am not pulling my weight and I am still not up to scratch. I am doing better though. I don't know how to improve from here. Not sure what I am going tondo. A part of me feels like quitting, I am not sure how to do good enough. I have really tried hard.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 05, 2018, 12:38:27 PM
Did they specify the things that they are not happy about? Could occupational health help? They might have some suggestions.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 05, 2018, 05:22:37 PM
My deputy manager is happy with my current performance. So I just need to convince the main manager now that I am good enough. They also commented that I was really productive whilst I was hyper last week. They also found me funny last week. They have reminded me of a few embarrassing things I said though!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 10, 2018, 06:12:38 PM
I am back in work tomorrow and am a little anxious due to not doing good enough recently. I want to enjoy my job again not worry about it. Urgh. My mood did dip a little bit after the discussion with my manager last week but it stayed within the normal range. It has started to pick up again so hopefully it will be ok. I am still embarrassed and shocked at some of the things I said when my mood was going high! I don't remember half of it and have been reminded. DOH.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 10, 2018, 08:11:42 PM
 :smilie_help:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on May 10, 2018, 09:24:05 PM
I think that you've probably done all right. Work know that you can be a little up & down, so I doubt that there'd be any reason for you to worry.  :)
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 10, 2018, 09:33:52 PM
I guess so. The manager said I wasn't pulling my weight and wasn't doing good enough though she did say I had improved to what I was. It makes me anxious.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Patient Pianist on May 11, 2018, 12:02:55 AM
Hi, how are you doing?

Hopefully work will be suportive. Especially if they have said they can see an improvement.
Enjoy feeling good, take care of yourself and keep talking, keep an eye out for your own warning signs and as others have said, keep contact with your CPN.

Thinking of you.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Kenzie444 on May 11, 2018, 06:50:22 AM
Hey - just had a read - would occupational health be useful for you at work?

Really awesome you've been able to have talks with your CPN. Can't have been easy
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 11, 2018, 07:34:15 AM
Thank you.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 11, 2018, 04:21:53 PM
How was work? X
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 11, 2018, 05:56:40 PM
Ok today. I think I did ok. The assistant manager did say at the end though that she didn't have time today to have a chat with me. That made me really anxious thinking I wasn't good enough. I went a little shaky. I did ask her before we left if it was anything bad, she said it wasn't just the usual chat regular reviews they do with me because I am ill. Wish I was normal.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 12, 2018, 01:08:03 AM
I always expect the worst if a manager wants to talk to me, it's a horrible feeling. You are doing well, don't feel bad about needing support, millions of others do too. I know it's frustrating though.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 12, 2018, 11:12:11 AM
Well done  :)

I understand that sinking feeling but like V says don't feel bad about needing support  :hug1:


And as my daughter says 'mum, normal is a setting on a washing machine and who wants to be a setting on a washing machine?'
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 12, 2018, 02:15:59 PM
And as my daughter says 'mum, normal is a setting on a washing machine and who wants to be a setting on a washing machine?'
:rotflmao: lol. That made me smile. I don't want to be a setting on the washing machine. I don't use most of them. I start counselling in just over a week's time.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 13, 2018, 10:58:22 AM
How do you feel about starting counselling?  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 13, 2018, 11:02:35 AM
I hope counselling does help, it'll be difficult but please try to persevere with it.  :hug2: What sort of counselling is it? Is it for anything specific or is it a more general sort?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 13, 2018, 12:20:04 PM
It's a general counselling. I was finding memories of crises difficult to cope with but had nowhere to go with them. Once you have had a crisis nobody seems to want to talk you about it. You are left with many thoughts and emotions you cannot make sense of.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 13, 2018, 05:56:03 PM
I can totally understand that. A MH crisis can be traumatic, esp if you get sectioned and/or end up in a psych ward. I've experienced awful things in a crisis. Maybe talking about it could help you manage a crisis better in the future or you could learn the warning signs and prevent one. Fingers crossed for you  :hug1:.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 13, 2018, 06:45:40 PM
I haven't been on a pysch ward but have been in the crisis house 3 times now. I have very nearly ended up on a pysch ward, that was crisis team's first response to me but I managed to negotiate going into the crisis house instead.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 13, 2018, 06:59:05 PM
What are crisis houses like?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 13, 2018, 07:29:16 PM
They are a bit like a b and b. You do some sessions with the staff there. There are staff there 24/7 but you have to approach them which is where I struggled. Crisis team come and visit you daily to check on your progress. You have to provide your own food but that helps you to stay independent. I find the lack of attention from staff the most difficult thing as I was struggling and cannot approach people.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 13, 2018, 07:34:47 PM
They also count your medication daily to make sure haven't od or that you are actually taking them.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 16, 2018, 04:02:02 PM
I still appear to be largely level in mood so hopefully things will continue to be ok. I still have some difficulty and I still feel great at times but I think I am oscillating within the normal range.

I am just worried that I talk too much. I overheard a conversation between the nurse that runs my art group and the student nurse talking about boundaries and people that talk too much and you have to set time limits on them. I am scared that people may think like that about me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 16, 2018, 04:04:46 PM
I am part of the time to change movement which encourages conversation about mental health. I just worry I talk too much about it and my personal experience.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 16, 2018, 07:27:20 PM
I'd think the same if I overheard a similar conversation (although mine would be 'aloof/reserved  ::P:) when we're conscious of ourselves especially in relation to health etc it can make us question ourselves and what others think. I think it's great that you talk a lot, when you talk in random or games room you make it feel relaxed. It gave me the confidence to have a go in those rooms when I came back to the forum tbh, I was apprehensive and your chattiness made me feel ok about it. Also the nurses/ student nurse were possibly talking about the student nurses learning ... she'll have to learn how to manage and run groups. Don't worry and don't change  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 16, 2018, 07:49:35 PM
Awe thank you. They were talking about a different group member but it got me thinking. I am happy I made it easier for you. I also took a long pause from the forum of a few years.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 16, 2018, 08:33:48 PM
I do feel like a bit of a failure. My pa is off this week so I have to do my jobs myself. However I really struggle with motivation unless I got a preplanned place to go to. So rather than challenge myself and do my jobs on my own I have invitey sister over to help motivate me. Sigh. I feel pathetic sometimes
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 16, 2018, 11:10:48 PM
I don't think that it's pathetic; you've admitted you're struggling with something and asked for help. In my book that's responsible not pathetic.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 18, 2018, 05:54:27 PM
Thank you. I have had another meeting at work today but it was with the deputy manager this time and she is ok with my progress. It is written down that I need a little encouragement on the days I am doing well as I feel like I am not good enough all the time. I am knackered now from work. They have regular meetings with me because of my mental health. I feel bad about taking up so much of their time.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 21, 2018, 04:03:03 PM
Had my first conselling session today. It went ok. We covered some basics. It was a bit weird and I am going to have to trust her. Hopefully now I will be better able to unpick some of the things that have happened to me. Also I will have a regular output of the day to day stuff i struggle to deal with. My mood still seems to be fairly stable. I am not going work next weekend I have booked it of and am going to London to see my sister. I am off to the cinema tonight so many good things are happening. I also had issues sorting out my prescription as I phoned last week but never received it in the post. I ran out of ads today. I phoned again as it has had time to show up. They have done another prescription and I collected it today and got to the pharmacy to sort it out today so that was a disaster averted
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 21, 2018, 04:13:13 PM
Counselling is bound to feel weird, after years of keeping quiet it's difficult to talk. Counsellors are used to it though so she'll help you build trust over time. Hope it goes well.

Enjoy London and a nice break from work. Are you doing anything in particular? I'd totally visit the tower and dungeons and museum. Enjoy yourself! :)
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 21, 2018, 04:53:50 PM
We will have a 2.5 year old with us so we are a bit restricted what we can do. Sister was thinking of Kew gardens or a zoo. I am not sure yet what we will be doing.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 21, 2018, 04:59:14 PM
A very productive day  :) well done you
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 21, 2018, 06:25:36 PM
Thank you. Now at the cinema with Monday club. Having dinner when I get home but fed the animals before I left.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 21, 2018, 09:20:23 PM
I have no clue re kids, can't help you there I'm afraid! Whatever happens just enjoy the break, you deserve it :).
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 21, 2018, 10:47:32 PM
Thank you. I will enjoy my time with my sister. It will also be nice to have a break from work. I have been stressed there recently.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 26, 2018, 09:40:00 AM
Morning. My grandad died yesterday. I still haven't had an emotional reaction to it. My initial reaction was shock and disbelief. Now I am not feeling anything at all. I am ok with him dying. He was old and had a lot.of health problems.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 26, 2018, 05:00:06 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your grandad :hug2:. Things like this can be difficult to process and everyone reacts differently. :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 28, 2018, 03:27:05 PM
I'm sorry about your Grandad  :hug2: how are you doing?



Did you enjoy spending time with your sister?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 28, 2018, 06:16:33 PM
I did enjoy spending time with my sister. I seemed to have spent a lot of time playing with a toddler. It was nice despite my grandad dying. I have managed to see my dad today and he appears to be coping ok with it. He isn't sleeping very well though. I did feel a bit sad today whilst sat in the pub and listening to my friends talk about caring for their grandparents and visiting them. I have no grandparents left now. My dad was reading up on the stuff needed after death. Bless him. I guess I have been that busy I haven't given myself time to reflect upon the loss of my grandad. I was going to visit him tomorrow. I cannot do that anymore.

I managed to have a nice time with some old school friends today. One of them invited me round for boardgames sometime. He said another person may have issues with me joining but will be ok. I asked if it was because I stopped a game.of monopoly when I was 21 and possibly hypomanic at the time. I got frustrated that everyone seemed to be taking it too seriously when all I wanted was fun. It was my birthday after all. My friend then said just because it's you not necessarily because of that game. He didn't elaborate on what that meant but said this other will be ok with me joining. I thought this other guy was my friend and ok with me. So it came as a shock. Also it triggered one of my core beliefs that I am not lovable. Like work triggered my core belief that I am not good enough.

I am ok though. Just a bit warm today. Must put shopping away. Bought more delicious cider, nice on a hot day.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on May 29, 2018, 10:51:47 AM
It's good that you still had a lovely time with your sister despite everything .... I expect she really appreciated the time you spent with her little one  :)


With regards to your friend, I understand it triggered that core feeling - keep in mind that whilst you can identify and reflect on your feelings and their triggers, your friend possibly doesn't have that level of emotional intelligence and may be unaware of their own issues and their impact on others. Remember, you are lovable and you are good enough ... I'm not articulating this very well, sorry. You just need to know that you are as worthy and valued as the next person  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 29, 2018, 12:26:48 PM
Thank you. It was nice though tiring to spend so much time playing with a toddler. Not that she gave me.much choice! Lol.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 30, 2018, 05:28:42 PM
Had a mixed day today. didn't sleep well again last night. Was wide awake at 5:30 and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep. It also took ages to even get to sleep last night. Today I was a little high thinking of all the spending I have done recently. I was chatty and in a good mood. Then I went to my art group. The routine changed, the student nurse wasn't around she was out with my friend. My friend didn't feel well and he normally sits with me.bthe whole routine felt different. it made me anxious and a little overwhelmed. It got busy and it felt like there were people everywhere. I felt unable to tell anyone how I was feeling. then I went to work to pick up some parcels. It felt like I wasn't welcome there. One person didn't talk to me at all! One only really spoke to me as I was leaving, and the other spoke to me ok. It made me feel like I wasn't wanted there. I am a bit nervous going back this weekend. I only took one week off to go on holiday. Since then they have opened the kiosk and are now charging at the gate. It's all new. Also I feel like I am not good enough. I am scared that my performance is still not up to scratch. I am worried I won't Dona good enough job. I am worried about the kiosk as I haven't been introduced to it yet.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on May 30, 2018, 07:49:45 PM
Changes in routines can be quite stressful  :hug2:.
People are sometimes distracted or stressed and sometimes they might unintentionally ignore us but if we're feeling crap we take it personally. That's probably all it was. You'll be OK with the changes at work too, they'll train you on the kiosk. You're bound to be nervous but you'll gain confidence in time.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 30, 2018, 08:14:08 PM
Fingers crossed.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on May 30, 2018, 08:58:13 PM
I am trying to get drunk to deal with the fact I am home.alone for a long evening on a night that I am normally out.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 03, 2018, 05:09:54 PM
How are you doing?  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 03, 2018, 05:28:27 PM
I was anxious my first day back at work and anxious for a while in the new kiosk but once I got the hang of it wasn't too bad. The rest of the weekend went quite well. My mood still seems to be fairly stable overall.

I have a busy week coming up. I see the consellor on Monday, the cpn Wednesday, have a face to face pip assessment on Thursday and got my staff review with committee on Friday at work!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 04, 2018, 10:42:14 AM
That is a busy week, look after yourself  :hug2: is someone going with you to the Pip?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 04, 2018, 01:15:17 PM
My pa is going with me to my pip assessment. I am just really worried about it. I have an appointment with my cpn this week. I am shopping today.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 04, 2018, 01:34:08 PM
It's  good your pa can come with you - understandable to be nervous  :hug2:


Are you shopping for anything in particular?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 04, 2018, 02:00:49 PM
Hay, veg for pets and some food for me.

I am very grateful that my pa is coming with me. The thought of driving to an unknown city that I haven't been to before makes me nervous.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 04, 2018, 02:02:17 PM
My dad can eventually call the funeral directors now. My grandad is having a post mortem tomorrow.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 05, 2018, 10:36:57 AM
Thinking of you, it's a hard time made harder by delays, even though they can't be helped  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 05, 2018, 12:18:03 PM
Hopefully we can get a date for the funeral soon.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 06, 2018, 04:56:29 PM
The funeral is in a week's time. I need to arrange how I am getting there.

Spoke to the cpn today and she was largely ok. She did say I said a horrible thing when I told my sister and friend that I had a plan to die. Telling them probably saved my life and when I was in a therapeutic community they encouraged me to talk openly and honestly about that stuff. I think my cpn is verging on the side that suicide is horrible on the family and friends and causes problems rather than taking my side on it. I told her I was sure I would still end up killing myself one day and though my mood has been stable with everything to do with my grandad I have been thinking about my own funeral. I am not currently suicidal so don't worry. I told her I was scared of winter coming already and worried about getting low again but she is going to look at that another time and let me be normal for the time being.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 06, 2018, 05:06:18 PM
It's positive you recognise that talking about your plans helped save you ... I think it's brave to talk about it. As you say she presented a different perspective but don't let it stop you from seeking support for it now or in the future.


Is the funeral far away from where you live?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 06, 2018, 05:46:03 PM
Not really. I am going to talk to one of my sister's about it and see if I can share a lift with her. I guess she was giving me a different perspective. Most the time people just say think of what it will do to your family rather than saying it is a horrible thing to do.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 06, 2018, 07:34:35 PM
Yes, I get what you mean about the word horrible.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 06, 2018, 08:31:48 PM
I have to pick my other sister up from the train station on the day of the funeral. I don't get suicidal and say that I am to be horrible to others. I want to stop being so poorly all the time. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be hounded by osseipia and the bully into following them into the world beyond. I think people will be better off without me. They will be upset but they will get over it. I don't see it as something horrible, just an inevitable conclusion to my illness.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 07, 2018, 07:48:22 AM
It's kind of you to pick up your sister  :)
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 07, 2018, 08:46:47 AM
I don't mind. I love my sister.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 07, 2018, 02:45:21 PM
I have had my pip assessment now. I was stressed afterwards. It took ages. I am feeling a bit better now. Being with others at the pool tournament is helping. I got my annual review with committee at work tomorrow. The first question is how do you think you have done, ummm I have been told I have been doing poorly because I am such a screw up!! Argh. I don't want to admit to committee that I am not good enough. Even if I have been over medicated and been really poorly at times. It's a long story. Not looking forward to tomorrow. Have to wait 4 weeks until I get the results of my pip.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 07, 2018, 04:32:25 PM
You are brave  :hug1: a hard day - something kind to do for you tonight?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 07, 2018, 05:06:27 PM
I am trying to think of what I can do to treat myself. I was tempted to buy myself something but there is nothing I want. I was thinking about a hot chocolate but it is the wrong weather. I don't have any bath bombs left for my bath. This is difficult. I want to do something nice for myself because I have been through something difficult and draining. Well at least it is a change of thinking wanting to do something nice for myself, I just cannot figure out what. There is the challenge.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Skye on June 07, 2018, 06:28:39 PM
Hot chocolate is always good  ::)


Have you got candles and a good film or sth funny to watch?  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 07, 2018, 06:46:50 PM
I do have candles. I could try putting a film on. I do struggle to watch the whole film though in one go.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 08, 2018, 07:47:28 PM
Had my review at work. It went ok. I was told off for being too negative on myself. it was a long chat and I nearly cried during it. Somehow I got onto the fact that my life isn't going the way it was supposed to, I should be in an amazing post graduate full time job, be married and have kids. But I am alone in a part time job and not going anywhere in life. I have also been watching a storyline in Hollyoaks where mental health is featured and the poor chap is going into hospital. I was reading some of the comments and found them quite triggering. Stupid me triggered myself thinking of bad times and how ill I have been in the past.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 08, 2018, 08:51:15 PM
Feeling pretty bummed out now. After this week I think it's been a bituch for me. I need some positive in my life.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 10, 2018, 06:43:14 PM
Feeling tired, demotivated, fat and lonely tonight. I need to get through to tomorrow.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on June 12, 2018, 07:21:50 PM
I get how you're feeling, I wanted more out of my life too. I don't know what to suggest but I get it.  :hug2:

Are you feeling any better today?  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 12, 2018, 08:35:28 PM
I am still very tired all the time. I could sleep forever. I am not my best but it is my grandads funeral tomorrow so I am not going to be fab. I also had my pip assessment last week and my annual review with committee at work. So that is a lot of negative stuff. I had to say my work wasn't good enough in my review and explain why.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on June 12, 2018, 10:45:12 PM
We'll be thinking about you at your grandad's funeral.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 12, 2018, 10:47:37 PM
Thank you. I got to do all the driving though so I am a bit nervous about that.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 13, 2018, 08:09:37 PM
The funeral went ok. The attendance was poor though which upset me a bit. I am very tired now.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on June 13, 2018, 08:57:13 PM
At least it's behind you now. Get some sleep tonight. Work tomorrow?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 13, 2018, 09:01:31 PM
Nope. Packing group, shopping and then pa tomorrow. I need to sort the tyres out on my car. The consellor suggested I talk to the pysch about my constant tiredness and demotivation. When I am alone all I want to do is sleep and do nothing. It's a struggle to do anything. My.sister suggested I talk to the gp about it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on June 13, 2018, 09:13:07 PM
Maybe some people were unable to attend, the might have been ill or something? It's been emotional for you so it's understandable that you're tired  :hug1:.
Talk to the GP/psych if you can, things have been difficult for you so you could do with some extra help  :hug2:.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 13, 2018, 09:48:16 PM
I plan to talk to my pysch as I think it could be a side effect of medication. I want to sleep all the time which was understandable when I had depression. But now (apart from the last couple of weeks where stuff has happened) my mood has been more stable. I shouldn't be wanting to go bed and not wanting to get out of bed all the time if I am stable. That is the reason why I do so much is because if I didn't go to all these groups all I would do is stay in bed all day and do nothing. Even if I am not sleeping.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on June 15, 2018, 03:10:49 PM
Drowsiness is a common side effect of many meds, definitely talk to your psych.

It's a shame that you can't learn to enjoy having time to yourself, I love time alone. Maybe you could plan some time to yourself to just chill and pig out on the sofa for an evening a week :). It would be helpful for you I think, especially living alone. It can get lonely, it's the same for me, but I have learnt to just relax when I'm alone and spending time with the  :bunny: ◊4 helps too. What about a games console? I have an Xbox kinect which helps me get some exercise because I like the games on there, I have a fun zombie fighting game! Games can be a good distraction sometimes :). It's not easy but you don't want to overdo things by being busy constantly, everyone needs to chill out alone once in a while.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 15, 2018, 06:34:02 PM
Thank you. It is hard. I been struggling with being alone to various degrees since I had a crisis in February last year. Sometimes it isn't too bad and I can watch TV on my own. Other times it is crippling and I don't see the point in life if I am on my own. I do have several games consoles. I do enjoy playing games. I just cannot concentrate on them for very long and get fed up easily. Also I am accutely aware that I enjoy those games much more when I playing them.with somebody else. I lack motivation especially if I am on my own. I was that tired yesterday I fell asleep on the sofa at 8-9pm and missed my bath. That meant I went into work.today minging not having had a bath or wash since Sunday! I just hoped that nobody would notice. With my hair tied up it isn't too obvious!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 20, 2018, 11:52:23 AM
Seen the pysch today. I think he is happy with my progress. We have decided to leave my medication as it is despite the tiredness as I don't want to risk another episode. I more likely to go high if the antipsychotics are reduced. I am already on a low dose.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on June 20, 2018, 12:22:19 PM
Sounds sensible to keep you stable.  :emot-thumbsup11:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 20, 2018, 12:59:06 PM
I will just have to put up with the tiredness and wanting to go to bed all the time. He also thinks my lack of emotions is due to the Asperger's. He said it can be normal to go numb with grief and feel nothing so I don't have to worry I haven't had an emotional response to my grandad dying. I think my meds are contributing to my tiredness but I don't think they are the only cause of it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on June 20, 2018, 01:57:48 PM
Did he suggest anything to help with the tiredness? Changes in diet/exercise etc? Could the tiredness be due to all of the activities that you do? I'd be knackered!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 20, 2018, 02:52:59 PM
I do so many activities because I am scared that I will stay in bed if I don't do so much! He did suggest reducing the meds but I was concerned that would send me high. He didn't suggest anything else.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 26, 2018, 12:19:19 PM
My pysch wrote in his report that I was reasonably well. That is the first time in nearly 2 years he has written that I have been ok. It's mostly I am still depressed or when I have been high it's mood unstable. I even had is currently effected by situation at work. I am just happy that I have reached okness. Well not happy as I don't really feel emotions much but I am pleased with my progress.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 29, 2018, 06:25:01 PM
They are taking my DLA off me and not awarding me pip. I don't know how to budget. I intend to appeal but I am worried.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: terrified heart on June 29, 2018, 06:34:28 PM
Oh no Tucan. I really fear this is going to happen to me, Iím dreading having a PIP assessment (Iím still on DLA at the mo). I work too, but know Iíd get really unwell again if I had to go full time  :(

Itís good you will appeal, is someone helping you with that?

I hope this doesnít have a negative impact on your mood. Youíre doing so well. I know it will be hard, but try to do something to relax your mind this evening if you can. Do you have plans?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 29, 2018, 07:02:46 PM
I have no plans for this evening. I cannot work full time. I barely hold down a part time job as it is. I will have to pho r the agency that helped me to fill out the forms in the first place and see if they can help.me. they haven't really taken some things into account due to my.mental health.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on June 30, 2018, 01:44:49 PM
I've already posted r.e PIP in your other thread so I won't repeat it here but I do hope that you can cope OK. How is your mood at the moment?  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on June 30, 2018, 03:01:23 PM
So far it's not too bad. I am a little worried about the future. I think I am going to have to stop a lot of my groups I do to keep me well due to lack of funds. I want to talk to my cpn about it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 02, 2018, 03:32:04 PM
Try and talk to your CPN ASAP. The sooner you get things in motion the better. There might be some free groups in your area too but contact your CPN first and see what she says. This is so unfair on you.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 02, 2018, 04:23:57 PM
I spoke to my cpn this morning. She is not happy that I not got pip. She is going to write me a supporting letter. She is also going to talk to somebody else there that has dealt with a lot of benefits issues. I have left her a copy of my letter so she knows what was said and how they have misunderstood me. She told me to use my pas to help me ask for a mandatory reconsideration. I also need to get hold of the people that originally did my pip forms with me and see if they can helpe.to appeal.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 03, 2018, 12:15:30 PM
They're also taking a large chunk of housing benefit off me. Arghhh! Not sure how I am supposed to live!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on July 03, 2018, 06:34:17 PM
Your CPN's colleague might be able to advise you on this, too.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 03, 2018, 08:37:17 PM
Hopefully. I am just really worried about finances. I know I cannot budget.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 11, 2018, 04:49:52 PM
Are things looking a bit better now? It'll take some time to sort it out so is there anything in place to keep you going in the meantime?  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 11, 2018, 08:07:19 PM
I have some savings in at the moment. I have stopped going to some of my groups to reduce my costs. Also trying to be more aware of a budget when I go shopping. I am finding it really difficult to control my money. Not sure if I can manage it long term. I am worried about my future and even considered going to live with my mum but that would involve losing a lot of my stuff like my sofa, fridge freezer, cooker etc. I would also lose some of my pets as my mum Sait she would limit me to one cage. I have been a little low about my pip. So far I have managed to get 2 supporting letters, one from the cpn, one from the agency that provides my support workers. I should also get a letter from work, and a letter from the gp. I see an advisor on Friday who is going to help me fill out my mandatory reconsideration.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 12, 2018, 09:32:32 PM
I hope the mandatory reconsideration works for you, I'm glad that you have some help. Fingers crossed.

Could you get some help r.e budgeting? I find it helpful to make a list when I do shopping and I do it online so that I know exactly how much I'm spending. I don't know if that helps?

How are you managing without groups? I know that you find it difficult to be alone, it's do unfair that you've had to stop going.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 12, 2018, 11:47:39 PM
I have been spending time in bed hiding away from the world. I have felt low and lost. My sister thinks my depression could be starting to creep back in and told me to go out and see my mum so I don't slop back into bed and wallow.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 13, 2018, 07:44:21 AM
I think your sister is right  :hug2:. It's not just the money side but it's that feeling that your problems have been dismissed as though it's no big deal even though they affect our whole lives. The whole process has had a detrimental affect on me, I have literal scars as well as emotional ones from the process. I hate that you have to go through the same  :hug1: :hug1:.
Would it help to see your mum more often, at least until this is sorted? Are there any free groups that you could try?
It might be worth talking to the council about your HB too, they might be able to help. My local council can do "discretionary housing payments', maybe yours does. You could also try CAB and get a benefit check to make sure that your getting everything that you're entitled to.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 13, 2018, 06:00:53 PM
Still feeling a bit ick today. I think I will need to talk to cab. See what else I could possibly claim to help me out. It is stressing me out. My sister is worried that I am starting to go depressed again.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 14, 2018, 04:34:57 PM
It's understandable that you'd feel down right now, I hate that you've been made to feel like this. Try and get to CAB quicklime, they might offer drop in sessions that you can attend without an appointment.

Make sure that you stay in touch with people and try not to withdraw from things, make sure your CPN knows how you're feeling too, she can keep an eye on you. Are you managing to eat OK? Are you keeping on top of the basics? Do you still see your PAs?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 14, 2018, 05:32:41 PM
I have had to withdraw from things as I cannot afford to go to them anymore. Such as my knitting group costs me £5 in petrol to get to. My art group probably coats around £4, Monday club on a Wednesday £4 petrol and £5 for the activity, horse riding is £16.50 a session and whatever it costs me in petrol. I need to save money somewhere. I don't have the skills to budget. I am keeping some of my groups. The closer ones, ones where I can get support, etc. I am even cutting back on seeing friends as they live so far away and won't come and see me. I have been a bit better over the weekend as work has distracted me. Also others have been upset at work which has helped change my focus. I am hoping to see the advisor next week. I see my cpn on Wednesday. I am seeing my pas though one is on holiday and we got cover instead.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on July 14, 2018, 06:37:24 PM
Horse riding seems to be the most expensive - missing out on that for a while might help you keep up with your other activities. Keeping the groups which you feel are supporting you are the ones that you should concentrate on, and with the help from your advisor and cpn, you might end up with a workable fix.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 14, 2018, 07:02:36 PM
Hopefully. My friend is concerned about me missing groups but understands why I have to miss them. The cpn was concerned about it and has put that in her supporting letter. I am finding it really difficult to stick to a budget and don't know what my outgoings are!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 14, 2018, 08:36:44 PM
I'm not very good at budgeting either, I think it can be difficult for many people. It does sound like some advice would help you, I hope you can get some soon.
Could you try a walking group? With the weather being so nice there's probably something local and they're usually quite cheap if not free. Or maybe just arrange to go for a walk with your friend on the evenings where you have no groups and maybe you could split the cost of petrol if needed? It will be difficult for a while, I hope you can figure something out.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 15, 2018, 08:44:06 AM
I did go to a walking group at one point but it folded. Plus it was little old ladies so I felt like an outcast. They have started up again but I have forgotten the time of it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 16, 2018, 09:55:18 PM
I have an appointment with citizens advice bureau in 2 weeks time. We are going to see if I am entitled to working tax credits or anything else. I have changed my broadband to a cheaper provider with the help of my pa. I have also looked more at what I have coming in and going out of my account each month.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 17, 2018, 10:50:55 AM
Good, I hope you are entitled to something to help, CAB will be helpful.
Taking small steps re budgeting is the vest thing. Changing broadband providers is a good start :). When you see CAB they'll probably check things like your gas/electric suppliers to make sure that you have the cheapest.
Any more thoughts about groups? Personally I like talking to old people because they know everything and usually have interesting stories, that's not always the case though, some are grumpy and talk about their illnesses all the time! A lot of MIND branches do groups specifically with MH probs, might be worth a try?
At least things are getting done for you now.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 17, 2018, 12:58:03 PM
Thank you. My local mind don't exist anymore. Some of the group's I been to have been for mh. I just cannot afford the petrol to get to some of them. I need to save money on my petrol bill. There are not many local groups, most of them are in the city. Tonight will be my first night without my knitting group. It costs me around £5 in petrol to get there.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 17, 2018, 12:58:22 PM
I am seeing my cpn tomorrow.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 17, 2018, 04:23:33 PM
There aren't many groups here either, it can he so frustrating. The problem you have is coping alone. Maybe your CPN will know if some groups you could try, a lot of areas have groups for those with autism that she could refer you to.

I'm sorry they've taken away the money that you need, the system is crap.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 17, 2018, 06:01:37 PM
The system is crap. I have had my last horse riding lesson today :( . I will talk to my cpn. The autism group that I do go to is in the city centre, around 16 miles from me. There isn't much more around me. I live in a small town. I may have to think about volunteering somewhere so I don't spend so much time alone. At least that way I won't be so alone. My aunt has also offered to teach me some crochet. I may take her up on that. Tonight will be the first night without my knitting group. I am unsure what to do with myself.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Lauren on July 17, 2018, 10:24:30 PM
Could you make tonight crochet night instead? Hope you found something to do. Volunteering sounds like an idea, is there anywhere nearby which is of interest?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 18, 2018, 03:50:57 PM
Did you cope last night?

Volunteering could really help. What are you thinking of doing? Did your CPN have some ideas? I live in a small town too so  I know what it's like, everything is so far away!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 18, 2018, 08:02:46 PM
Cpn was happy with how I was coping. She wants to come with me.if I have any more appointments with dwp or capita. I had some cider last night. Volunteering may be best for Monday. I will have to rearrange my week around though.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 19, 2018, 10:37:36 AM
I'm glad that your CPN will support you for appointments, I've had trouble with Crapita too so the more support that you can get the better.

Just see what evenings are empty for you and volunteer for those evenings. It might be difficult to find stuff in the evening though. I think that some areas have really cheap fitness classes in the evenings, you can get discounts if you're on benefits so that might be worth a go too if you can find some local enough.

I'm glad you're coping OK.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 20, 2018, 05:35:40 PM
Had my meeting today with an advisor. We are sending off a mandatory reconsideration. He is going to write one detailing the information I gave to him. I felt a bit lost when I got back to work. Now I feel a bit deflated. It's hard having to remember how difficult things are especially when you are in a bad place. It is difficult to think of things that are difficult when you are in a good place. I cannot look after myself despite living independently and it's nothing to be proud off.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on July 20, 2018, 05:50:22 PM
Nor is it something to be ashamed of - it's just a statement of fact. I think that you've described why people have difficulty communicating issues on demand very well - it is difficult.
I think that there's a good chance of success with your appeal - it's not meant to be too easy but it shouldn't be so difficult either.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 20, 2018, 06:40:36 PM
Thank you
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 21, 2018, 05:24:17 PM
Good luck with reconsideration, I hope they'll listen. I wish you didn't have to go through this. It's hard to talk about such personal things, I know that for me it felt like a huge invasion of my privacy.  :hug1: :hug2:

Don't feel ashamed of needing extra help, many people need help with some aspects of their lives but it takes courage to face that fact.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 21, 2018, 05:34:56 PM
Thank you. It is a shame I do need so much help and attention. The cpn told me  to not worry about getting so much help and attention, she says I need it to function at the moment and stay well.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 22, 2018, 08:36:20 PM
I am concerned that I am suffering from apathy. I am finding this difficult and am trying to find ways to feel.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 23, 2018, 06:56:31 PM
I won my PIP appeal today so don't give up on PIP and try not to worry too much if you have to appeal. (I posted in survivor but I posted here too in case it helps). :hug1: :hug2:.

I understand your struggling right now but don't force your emotions, they will come when they come. I'm sorry that I don't have much advice. Since you can't feel much emotionally would help to have physical sensations, I find that it helps remind me that I'm still human, if that makes sense? It can be something simple like putting moisturiser on or brushing your hair. Sorry if that suggestion is pants but it helps me sometimes.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 23, 2018, 07:10:09 PM
I am so happy for you. You were not sure if you were going to appeal. I have thought about the physical stuff, told my consellor this morning I was thinking of an od to feel. I don't plan to od so don't worry. It was just a thought. I also thought about using alcohol. I just don't know how to cope. I am no longer worried about my pip, I am not feeling much of anything. I should be more worried than I am.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 23, 2018, 07:13:41 PM
I am also eating more to stimulate myself.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 23, 2018, 10:11:45 PM
I'm glad that you're not acting on those OD thoughts, those harmful thoughts can be scary can't they.  :hug2:

It's OK to comfort eat a little, just try not to let it get out of hand. It's easy to go a bit overboard, sometimes it can be boredom too.

It would be normal to worry about your PIP  but maybe it's better if you don't worry too much, there's not much you can do anyway until the mandatory reconsideration  has been looked at by DWP. Maybe the best thing for now is to focus on keeping well and safe? I'm glad that you've told your counsellor about the OD thoughts, it's hard to talk about harmful urges.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 23, 2018, 10:41:33 PM
I have to wait for my mandatory reconsideration to come back. The advisor I spoke to said 9 times out of 10 they don't work and the decision isn't overturned until the appeal stage.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 23, 2018, 10:55:50 PM
Fingers crossed that you'll be the one out of 10. My mandatory reconsideration was BS too, the CAB warned me about that one. Maybe you could start preparing for a appeal while you wait? Also see if there's anything you can claim in the meantime, CAB will hopefully know what to do, you have an appt coming up soon I believe?  All I can do is wish you luck and offer virtual support and cwtches, I can't navigate the stupid system either.
:hug1:  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 24, 2018, 09:38:57 AM
I see the cab people in a week's time.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 25, 2018, 06:48:49 PM
I really hope that they help you, you don't deserve to go through this but you'll get there.  :hug1:

Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 25, 2018, 09:07:21 PM
It isn't fair but it is what is happening at the moment.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 25, 2018, 09:14:17 PM
It is difficult at the moment. I am not as worried as I should be. Hopefully my Mr has gone in now. He said he was going to write the letter for me so I won't know exactly when it goes in. I been a bit more anxious past couple of days.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 26, 2018, 12:50:33 PM
Just had a conversation with my dad. I tried to tell him about the apathy. He listened and said it was weird. Then I admitted to him I didn't feel anything about grandads passing. He said I was feeling what everyone else feels. He didn't get emotional about grandads passing despite it being his father. My sister's didn't either. He says my feelings are completely normal and I need to stop thinking about myself as being the only one. He said that everyone has high days and low days just not as extreme as mine. He hoped my care team would help me see these things as normal.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 26, 2018, 04:30:14 PM
He's right, there's nothing 'wrong' with how you feel about things and what you feel is quite common. I hope you'll start believing it.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 26, 2018, 08:19:34 PM
I guess so. But people around me seem more emotional than me. I would like to be emotionally involved in a film and cry at it. I would like to laugh and feel the laughter. I have thought about stopping my meds to help me feel again but I know that will make me.sick.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 27, 2018, 04:49:51 PM
Yeah, stopping your meds made you very unwell last time, you ended up in the crisis house. I've also learned the hard way that stopping meds without professional input is a bad idea, I get temtped too.
I guess iffy emotions are the price we pay for staying well  ::-\:. It's not necessarily your meds that are the sole cause, I think it's quite common in people with autism too. It doesn't make you abnormal but I suppose it would be nice to experience 'normal' emotions wouldn't it?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 27, 2018, 05:33:38 PM
It would be. I think it could be an interaction between the bipolar, meds and autism. I just want to be able to feel stuff, I want my passion and interests back. This nothingness is just going through the motions without really experiencing and enjoying stuff. It's more existing than living. A part of me still wants to live rather than exist. Is that toouch to hope for?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 29, 2018, 09:56:33 AM
I think that if we can manage our conditions and get the right balance of meds then we probably can enjoy life. It takes a hell of a long time though and meanwhile  we feel the way we do and it feels like it will be forever. There are no easy answers but I guess we just have to live for the good times that we do get. ::-\:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 29, 2018, 02:39:18 PM
It is hard.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 29, 2018, 02:46:24 PM
I just wish I could be the old me and not have to settle with a fuller version of me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 31, 2018, 04:38:40 PM
I know, I miss the old me as well. I guess all we can do us try and get along with our current selves.  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 31, 2018, 05:41:27 PM
I meant settling with a duller version of me. Lol. It's hard. I want to be interactive, I want to connect with people, I want to have my own kids and a decent job. I just cannot manage these things.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 31, 2018, 07:31:11 PM
Been to cab today and they think I am not getting the full amount of housing benefit I should be. There were no other benefits I was entitled to.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on July 31, 2018, 07:34:19 PM
Does the amount that you get now cover your current housing costs, or do you have to top it up?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 31, 2018, 07:59:15 PM
I have to pay towards my rent now.

I am sick of being constantly hungry.

I am feeling a little low, alone and vulnerable tonight. I want to get drunk. I am missing my knitting group and usual routine. All this time alone isn't helping me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 31, 2018, 08:02:54 PM
I have also started to want a kid of my own and move away from mental health stuff. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Sister says to get a partner first and need to have a supportive partner first. My friend seemed quite annoyed with me. Said I couldn't even look after myself.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on July 31, 2018, 09:00:19 PM
Your sister has the right idea - children are a full time commitment at the best of times. Perhaps your friend was just rather clumsily suggesting that you should be realistic as it wouldn't do you any good to be overwhelmed with more responsibilities at the moment?

It depends on your LHA what the housing rates are, so I'm assuming that you're not getting the maximum rate that you are entitled to, but that should be quite easy to sort out. Are the CAB going to help you?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on July 31, 2018, 09:10:11 PM
They phoned up today. I know have to write a letter to the housing assessors. I get some housing benefit but the citizens advice think I should be getting more.

It wouldn't do me good to have more responsibility. I just want to move forward with my life. I am sick of being on my own and having no direction. I want a mini me I can love and share in the achievement and progress. I want a purpose. I want to get away from mental health services, and groups. I want to be normal. I have been drinking tonight. I am sick of being on my own. I am struggling with my change of routine and not going to groups. I have nothing else to do.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on July 31, 2018, 10:29:35 PM
My HB covers just over half of my rent but you may get different rates if you're under social housing. I know people who get more than I do because they're disabled. I guess it depends on your circumstances, I hope you do get a bit more. Are you managing your budget OK now?

Being alone is hard, luckily I can get lost in books. Could you  do some knitting and listen to the radio or a podcast? It's not the same but it might help?

I get the thoughts of having kids sometimes, I think all women must have that instinct. Perhaps it will come in time when you meet the right bloke. It won't happen quickly but plenty of people with MH problems do have kids.

 :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 01, 2018, 09:54:25 AM
My budget is very tight I am struggling but I am doing ok.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 01, 2018, 06:37:18 PM
Iam . finding that the more empty time by myself I have the less I want to go out and do anything and the more I just want to lie down and nothing or get drunk. The less I want to see of other people. The more reclusive I want to become.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 01, 2018, 06:38:00 PM
Also the more I focus on bad thoughts as my cpn predicted I would. The bad thoughts are creeping in.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 02, 2018, 11:04:57 AM
It cab become a difficult cycle where the less you do the less you want to do, this leads to more focus on the had thoughts which makes you not want to do things. Motivation is difficult and there are no easy answers for this. My rabbits are my motivation because they need feeding etc and it forces me to get up. It's so difficult isn't it?  :hug1:  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 02, 2018, 12:24:59 PM
I am getting into a bad cycle. The group's did help with that. But now I cannot afford to go to the group's. I have been a bit anxious, and paranoid today. Calmed down after taking a pill.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 02, 2018, 05:02:02 PM
Been hallucinating again today. My pa and friend seem more worried than I am. It is only the odd word here and there. I do sometimes hallucinate and I don't think it is anything to worry about.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 02, 2018, 05:30:24 PM
Also been anxious and paranoid today. Feeling calmer and better now though
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 02, 2018, 09:14:14 PM
I often hear odd things even when I'm mentally well, lots of people who have no MH problems do. As long as it's not distressing and you're aware that it's not real then it's probably nothing to worry about but keep discussing it with your CPN/ PAs  so that they can keep an eye on things.

Just a thought but have you looked on meetup.com? There might be something in your area, even if it's just a gathering at a coffee shop or something or there might be hobby groups on there. Just an idea, I understand if you're a bit wary.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 02, 2018, 09:28:10 PM
I may give it a go. See what is out there.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 06, 2018, 10:42:03 AM
 I'm sorry that things are so difficult.
:hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 06, 2018, 12:13:57 PM
I think I am getting worse. Nothing to worry about though.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Lauren on August 06, 2018, 10:35:15 PM
One day at a time :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 07, 2018, 06:24:11 PM
Yup am taking it one day at a time. Finding it hard without so many groups. Still overspending on petrol so need to think what else I can cut out. My friend got all upset and frustrated with me over the fact I was happy making just the one variety of cake and didn't see why I had to branch out into making other types.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 08, 2018, 06:49:55 PM
Your friend shouldn't have got upset over that... It could be a good distraction to try different recipes though, maybe try some funky designs? Or you could make a vegan one and send it to Welshland..  :whistle:

It's tricky cutting costs. Cheaper phone bundle/contract? What about cheaper food/drinks/toiletries etc brands? A few pence here and there really adds up. Could you make a few meals yourself instead of buying ready meals? It'll keep you busy too :). Also, if you go to the supermarket around 7/8pm you can get a lot of bargains on bread/fresh veg etc that you could freeze and you can get some cheap salad for your guineas too- I had a big bag of parsley for 10p yesterday, if you puck up the plant ones they'll last a bit longer too. They're still OK if they're a bit past the date as long as they're not black and slimy. I do this all the time for my rabbits :). Also, you could try Amazon for cheaper pellets and hay, VetUk is pretty good too, much cheaper than Pets at Home. I this gay, it's good quality and its free delivery :). https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B076CPMLPM/ref=yo_ii_img?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I hope these things help and I haven't just waffled :) :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 08, 2018, 07:38:37 PM
I buy my hay from b and m for £3.49 a bag. Cheapest I found so far. I did buy my food from Amazon but I have found it cheaper where I get my woodshavings from. I am already on a cheap phone SIM only contract. I have found a cheaper broadband supplier. I may to try and shop at different times of the day to see if I can get cheaper veg. It's all stressing me out and all I want to do is either get drunk or sleep so I can aescape it all. I am also struggling to structure my empty time. I am finding it hard being on my own and doing nothing. Another friend also isn't talking to me. He said he wanted a relationship with me. I turned him down. He hasn't responded or replied to me since. I also think he has blocked me on messenger! I feel like shouting at him to grow up! I still wanted to be his friend!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Lauren on August 08, 2018, 08:11:46 PM
Could you use your empty time to craft or make something you could sell to make some extra pennies?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 09, 2018, 06:53:49 PM
Maybe that guy is just upset and will be OK with it in a few days? If not then that's his problem. It's frustrating when people act like childish idiots.

It can be difficult filling time when you live alone. I'm currently building some things for my rabbits to play in, could you do anything like that for your rabbit and guineas? Not necessarily a big project like I'm doing but could you make some toys for them perhaps? Even if it's something simple like a loo roll tube filled with hay and treats or a cool looking hiding place made out of cardboard boxes? Maybe thread some popcorn on a string and hang it somewhere so that they can have fun trying to get it?
Just spending time with them helps too, I even talk to mine (everyone does it!) and they don't talk back :).
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 09, 2018, 07:45:21 PM
I did find it good last night just watching my guinea pigs. They were so cute. My friend has encouraged me to do something so over 2 days I have done a jigsaw. It is only a small jigsaw but it's the first one I have done since being on this medication.

I have been having bad thoughts in my quiet time today and was looking up suicide stuff again.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 10, 2018, 12:30:07 PM
Animals are lovely company aren't they? :) They often make me feel better.
I'm glad you've managed a jigsaw, they can be a good distraction, as long as your house rabbit doesn't jump up on the coffee table, throw the pieces around and chew/poop on the puzzle mat.. ::)

Do you think you'll act on your thoughts?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 10, 2018, 05:30:15 PM
I was ok once I started to distract. I am not at the stage of acting on thoughts yet. It's just creeping up on me. I am just thinking how nice it would be if I was dead. Nobody would miss me that much. I feel more like a duty than a family member. I wouldn't be a burden anymore. Thing is this time I still wanted it and I didn't care about work and not being there short notice. I don't have current plans I am just fantasising about it. Thinking it would be nice to be gone. All I want to do at the moment is either get drunk or sleep. I am struggling to sleep more than usual past few days. Been taking me over an hour to drop off, and waking 5-6 times in the night. Just don't tell my pa, she already wants to contact my cpn and I don't think I am as bad as that yet. It is still under control at the moment. Must enjoy the sunshine and long days whilst I can. Before the dark, damp, cold winter sets in.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 11, 2018, 12:16:46 PM
It's a good idea to keep your CPN informed, it may not be that bad now but it's a good idea for her to keep an eye on things just in case it does get bad. Why don't you want your CPN to know?

I think many people fantasise about dying, the eternal peace is appealing. Perhaps it's the comfort of knowing that this isn't forever and there is a way out. I understand it.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 11, 2018, 05:20:19 PM
I see the cpn at the end of this month. She wants me.to be more independent so I am trying to do this on my own. Also these thoughts are mine at the moment, I want to see where they lead. I don't want to risk my choices being taken away from me. At the moment it is my choice, nobody knows so I have the power and control. I am also thinking about stopping my meds. I know I shouldn't but they dull my emotions, flatten my creative thinking, make me slow and tired. I just want me to be back again. I want to actually live a life. The zombie scene is getting boring now.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 12, 2018, 05:54:01 PM
Was a bit triggered by last night's casualty.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 12, 2018, 06:32:20 PM
Independence is a good thing but even mentally well people need help sometimes so it's OK to ask for help if you need to . I think that a part of being independent is knowing when to ask for help rather than you getting so bad that someone has to force you to get help.

What happened in Casualty?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 12, 2018, 06:43:37 PM
There was a character with bipolar depression. She was suicidal. The ambulance came out to her. She was dismissed and told she was ok. She then jumps off a bridge. Causes a massive pile up. Then she changes her mind and decides she wants to live. She later died in hospital.

I understand what you are saying. But I have to try to deal with this on my own. I need to learn to not go running everytime I have a blip. I have to learn to live with this condition and deal with it. I will probably tell the cpn when I see her at the end of this month. I haven't got conselling tomorrow. Shame as I could do with talking about stuff.

I am feeling a better today. My suicidal thoughts are not as strong. I am managing better with them. I am just a bit shook up by the casualty storyline.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 12, 2018, 07:00:40 PM
It sounds like the story was meant to raise awareness about the lack of understanding around mental health. Trouble is, these stories can be a bit too close to home sometimes. I remember years ago (I haven't watched it since 2005/2006 ish) there was a self harm story and another one where someone OD'd that I found triggering so I do know how upsetting it can be. I guess it's something that we learn to deal with, I wouldn't want the media to avoid these issues to avoid triggering people but maybe a warning would have been good ::-\: .

It's good that you are coping better today. Maybe you can just keep chatting to your PA but explain that you don't want any intervention but just a chat incase things do get bad without you realising it? There's no harm in that, lots of people talk to friends etc about their feelings but it doesn't mean they're not independent but they're being responsible.  When is the next time you see anyone?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 12, 2018, 07:29:32 PM
I find the pa a bit invasive when she asks questions. I keep deflecting her with I'm fine, but then she goes around it and asks more questions. I do have a different pa that I trust a bit more and am more willing to talk to. I can find storylines quite triggering at times.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 14, 2018, 09:04:42 PM
The,important thing is that you talk to someone, it's wise to have others aware of things. It's hard isn't it?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 14, 2018, 09:27:53 PM
It is hard. I am still struggling but not as much. I just either want to drink alcohol or sleep to block out my pointless life. I am forever distracting but not really living. I wish I could enjoy stuff. I wish I could join In with my groups to give me more purpose and structure. I struggle to motivate myself to give myself structure and routine. Tonight I am drinking because I cannot sleep. I slept poorly last night.

On the bright side I did meet with a man. He was nice.to me and we had a lovely time. Hope to see him again.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 15, 2018, 07:06:00 PM
I hope that you slept better.

Motivation is difficult, it can become a cycle where the less you do the less you want to do so the less you do ad infinitum. I wish there was an easy answer to this  :hug2:.
Was this man someone you know or did you meet online? Are you hoping for friendship or romance or will you just see how it goes? It's good that you're socialising more, I know it's something you struggle with.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 15, 2018, 07:47:59 PM
I didn't but then I fall asleep during the day which doesn't help with sleeping at night. I struggle getting up.

I am doing better than last week which surprises me. I still just want to drink alcohol or sleep. I prefer my life in dream form. My real life sucks. I have been wondering if I have slipped back into depression! The nothingness, the wanting to escape life, the bad thoughts. I was even researching suicide last week. I am not doing that this week but still feel like life is pointless.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 16, 2018, 08:07:57 PM
I've felt like dream life is better too (and often downright bizzare!) so I get where you're coming from. I know it feels crappy. I'm glad that you're not researching suicide now :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 16, 2018, 08:31:33 PM
All I want to do is sleep or drink alcohol. I also found that eating helps me. I am trying escape life. I took some zopiclone last night and even though it took a while to get to sleep I didn't wake up as often so slept better. I had a nap this afternoon and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I will probably struggle sleeping tonight and I am at work tomorrow. Life just seems so pointless. If I could sleep all day I would. I don't know how to change it. I spend more time alone now. I did olmanage a couple of 300 piece jigsaws. But I only own 2. I am thinking of buying more to keep me occupied and distracted. But I have to be careful with money. I feel like I am waiting for nothing. Just drifting through without really living. I wish I connected better with people.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: hidden tears on August 16, 2018, 11:17:13 PM
Some places have jigsaw libraries, or charity shops can be great for cheap jigsaws.

Ive becomes me a little bit addicted to them this year....I just find them a good escape and quite therapeutic.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 17, 2018, 05:44:51 PM
I was addicted to them then I started antipsychotics and couldn't do them. With encouragement I have managed some 300 piece over a couple of days each. I still cannot do the 1000 piece. Which is a shame as I found them very therapeutic. Told my sister I thought I may have slipped back into depression. She told me I should be talking to my cpn. I am not that bad. I just want friends to help me rather than professionals. I see my consellor on Monday.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 17, 2018, 07:02:21 PM
The Works is good for jigsaws too. Also try eBay or Amazon for cheap ones, they're often very cheap.

Talk to your counsellor about your feelings on Monday, there's no harm in getting some advice, that's what counsellors do. :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 17, 2018, 07:16:49 PM
I will talk to my consellor. I don't think I am bad enough to bother the cpn. I did order a jigsaw on Amazon. I feel guilty for buying it but I do need it to try and restore my sanity and keep distracting in a more positive way.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: terrified heart on August 17, 2018, 08:17:57 PM
Sometimes you can loan a jigsaw from a library. Might be worth looking into? Xx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 17, 2018, 08:31:31 PM
I will have to look into that. Thank you. My friend is seeing if I can get free jigsaws on Facebook. I do have plenty of 1000 piece jigsaws but I am no longer able to do them.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 19, 2018, 07:28:18 PM
My friend has gotten me a couple of jigsaws :) . I see the consellor tomorrow. I am tempted to take extra medicine of what I am prescribed. I want to feel ok. I want to feel something. I may drink alcohol tonight. I didn't have any last night.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 20, 2018, 09:38:37 AM
Free jigsaws sounds good! :emot-thumbsup11:

Hope the counsellor goes well. Taking extra meds won't necessarily make you feel better, it could have the opposite effect. I understand the urge though. :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 20, 2018, 11:36:47 AM
The consellor wants me to talk to the cpn. She said she can see a difference in me since I have been seeing her. I still feel a bit shaky, upset after the meeting. She is happy that I am seeing the cpn next week though. She is concerned with how much I am sleeping though. I want to cry.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 21, 2018, 03:02:15 PM
It sounds like the best thing to do would be to talk to your CPN, even the counsellor thinks it's a good idea.

I think it's normal to feel overwhelmed after appts. Have things calmed down a,bit today? :hug2: :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 21, 2018, 03:29:13 PM
They have calmed down today but I am just feeling low. I am at a friend's, been out for a walk with them and to a wool shop. All I can think about is going home and hiding and going bed. How selfish is that! I should be enjoying myself but all I want is to hide!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on August 21, 2018, 09:51:10 PM
Occasionally a little me time to yourself and early to bed isn't always a bad idea. How are you feeling now?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 21, 2018, 11:09:16 PM
I have not long gotten home. I felt better slowly as the day got on. My brain was fried from so much social interaction. we did some sewing and that was ok. I was anxious about going back to the knitting group as I haven't been in a long time, but it was quiet and went well. I managed a lot more on my sequin art. At one point during the day I read an article postpartum pyschosis. I then panicked thinking my sister would come down with it, even though she isn't due until the end of the year! DOH!

I have been a bit low today. I have thought about contacting the cpn to say I am struggling but at the same time I am trying to avoid seeing her. I am scared of admitting to her that I am not doing great. I am scared she will be disappointed in me. Like it's my fault I am slipping again. I am also worried I am not sick enough to contact her and bother her. My sister says I should be contacting her before I get into crisis.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Lorien on August 22, 2018, 01:06:10 AM
I think your sister is right. If you can, contacting the CPN won't be bothering her. It's part of her job. What makes you think she will be disappointed? Maybe she will see that recognising that things are slipping and trying to be proactive about it and ask for help is a positive. Especially with that being more difficult because you are low.

I'm glad you have been able to get back to the knitting group. What are you making?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2018, 11:42:12 AM
Because I was doing well and now I don't think I am. Sigh. I feel like a failure.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 22, 2018, 06:56:46 PM
I have had another low day today. My mum seems to think I am ok and stable at the moment. She seems to think I can simply not let myself get ill. I give up. I went to bed earlier instead of cleaning out my cages. I was just so low. Mum seems to think I can just push myself to do stuff, because that is what she does. She doesn't understand what it is like being on medication, what it is like having a mental illness. Am I ok? I am starting to doubt if I am even ill. Mum seems to think I can simply get over my intimacy issues, and just get used to kissing because it is normal. I find it disgusting.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 23, 2018, 04:27:14 PM
She doesn't understand MH well, if we could just get over things we would! There's a difference between a mild short term depression and something more severe and complex. You are struggling so make sure that you continue receiving support.
Kissing is weird so if don't feel comfortable it's OK - and I say this as someone who has done a lot more than that with a bloke. So what if it is 'normal'? That doesn't mean everyone likes it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 23, 2018, 06:27:27 PM
Been another low day again today. Thinking of talking to work before things get worse. When I am like this I am not always good at reaching out. I slept poorly again last night and was up throughout the night. I am thinking of going back onto sleeping tablets but the ones I have in are out of date. I see the cpn next week but that feels like a lifetime away.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on August 25, 2018, 04:19:55 PM
It would be a good idea to talk to work before you end up in crisis again, the might be able to help.

If you're really struggling with sleep could your GP help? Might be able to give you a short course of zopis or something to help until you see your CPN?  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 25, 2018, 05:16:32 PM
Go won't open until Tuesday as it's bank holiday weekend and I see cpn on Wednesday. I have some old out of date zopiclone I could use but I won't use them.if I am driving in the morning.

I really should talk to work but I am being a chicken. I don't want special treatment. I am moaning about myself again and making it all about me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 26, 2018, 06:58:04 PM
I didn't manage to talk to work today. I did speak to a work college last night and she was reassuring me that people are sad for me rather than frustrated with me for getting ill. She said I should speak to the managers. I didn't wake up as much last night so I slept better. Even though I been tired today my mood has been better today. The manager did make a joke about me sorting my head out so I can look after the farm again so she can take a Saturday off once a month. But she also said I did well dealing with a first aid situation. I shall see how I am over the next few days and try to talk to the cpn on Wednesday. I was dreaming last night that I had been sent back to the crisis house.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 27, 2018, 07:54:21 PM
Managed to spend the day out with a friend but I am still struggling. Feel alone and like people are getting fed up with me!
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on August 27, 2018, 08:52:51 PM
I can't see why people would get fed up with you - you try hard and people respect you for that. It's reassuring that others feel sad that you have to struggle - it shows that they care about you.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 27, 2018, 09:23:07 PM
I guess it does show that they care. I just feel like I am constantly complaining that things are not going well and I always seem to need help with something. I am incapable of looking after myself. I am selfish and demanding.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 27, 2018, 09:31:51 PM
I feel like a bad person and guilty for getting ill again. I am worried that people like work and VPN will be annoyed and upset with me. It feels like it my fault I am like this.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on August 27, 2018, 09:38:37 PM
Is it your choice to get ill? Whatever you think that people feel, it's not your choice so it's not your fault - you do as much as you can to stay well.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 27, 2018, 09:41:09 PM
agree with rob
xx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 27, 2018, 10:15:34 PM
Sorry I just feel like a failure, like a bad person at the moment. I feel like deserve to struggle, I deserve people to be upset with me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 27, 2018, 10:26:40 PM
you don't deserve any of those bad things
you do deserve love and kindness and happiness
xxx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 27, 2018, 10:41:33 PM
It feels like I do deserve bad stuff.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 27, 2018, 11:35:55 PM
hugs hunni
you really don't
xxx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 28, 2018, 04:59:36 PM
Worried about seeing the cpn tomorrow. I am building it up into something big. It's like a big confession time. Like I have done something wrong. Been to see my mum today. I avoided talking about my head and my future so I was ok this week. Told my pa this morning about what's been going on. She was ok with me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 28, 2018, 05:32:43 PM
Just been researching my meds. The pysch is feeding me poison. The amount of things that can be caused by my medication! Why would they do this to me. I am not sure what to do now. Pretend I am taking my meds so they don't get suspicious? Continue taking them as they are supposed to help the bipolar even though I have gotten both high and low on them. I don't know what to do now. People will be unhappy with me if they think I have stopped my meds again, but they are poison and can cause a lot health problems. I can kill myself well enough thank you.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on August 28, 2018, 05:45:20 PM
If you research any med, you'll find that there are many possibilities of causing problems - even simple aspirin, BUT the people who prescribe them are aware of any cons and will be monitoring you to keep you safe. The problems only happen in a small number of people and the benefits of taking the meds far outweigh any other problems, so if you're concerned about them, simply talk with your psych and you'll be reassured that they are safe for you - don't stop taking them or you will get much worse again.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 28, 2018, 06:07:12 PM
I guess so. I was researching what an overdose would do. I found some other pills I can od on if I want to. I am just suspicious of authority figures. I am suspicious of their motives. How do I know they are not trying to keep me down. They did over medicate me and turn me into something like a zombie that couldn't work. They can convince you to do anything because they are professionals. I have to be ok for the cpn tomorrow or she will be upset with me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 28, 2018, 09:39:11 PM
they wouldn't give you the meds if they thought they would be harmful hun
talk to them
they may be able to give you something else if they are not workingxx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 28, 2018, 09:47:29 PM
Don't see the pysch until October though.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 28, 2018, 10:48:37 PM
can you get an urgent appointment?
or ask the person your seeing tomoz to get you appointment?
x
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 28, 2018, 11:12:56 PM
I will talk to the cpn tomorrow. I have written stuff down for her. I am not sure what else they can do medically for me. I am on the maximum dose on antidepressants and the antipsychotic makes me space out and sleepy so don't want to increase the dose of that.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 29, 2018, 02:00:21 PM
how did it go today?
xx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 29, 2018, 02:15:54 PM
Not as bad as what I thought. I cried on her. She said I am looking too much at all the negative. I also need to look at the positives. She is concerned about my relationship with a friend. She is going to have a chat with the pysch about my meds and see what is to be done. She said it isn't my fault. She wants me to challenge my assumptions with facts. I couldn't do that Infront of her. I couldn't think up any facts to go with my thoughts of what I think is true. I have been put on the self esteem course again. I am still on a waiting list for the bipolar course. She has pointed out that I want a full relationship but cannot cope with it and I have to adapt my life to what I can manage and live the best I can. I need to stop chasing the dreams of somebody who doesn't have my issues. I need accept what I can do. I can still have a relationship but on my terms and not a traditional one. I am crying just writing this down. She said I been doing well at work to manage to not let it interfer with my job. She also wants me to stop napping in the day as it will make my nightime sleep worse. Poor sleep hygiene. Not sure what to do with the empty hours and how to occupy them.

No movie night tonight. My sister is working. So I am alone tonight.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 29, 2018, 08:31:52 PM
that feels like a lot
how do you feel about what she said?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 29, 2018, 08:41:35 PM
I just feel rubbish now. I need to think of the positive. I need to get through to my holiday. She did say a lot. I agree with some of what she said.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 30, 2018, 12:43:03 PM
I feel rubbish.  :no: not sure what to do with this feeling. I feel like I cannot cope. I have bought more pills just incase. But I have to get through to my holiday. I don't want to ruin it by doing something stupid this close.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 30, 2018, 10:27:35 PM
can you talk about why you feel rubbish?
it might help
x
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 31, 2018, 07:49:58 AM
I was just overwhelmed with the feeling. I got my magic box out.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on August 31, 2018, 08:37:36 PM
whats that?
x
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on August 31, 2018, 08:58:52 PM
It a box full of stuff I enjoyed and things that make me.smile such as photos of my niece. I have things to do in there that help my mood and distract me.

The cpn has put me down to start a sself esteem course. The first week is when I am on holiday so i miss it.

I am feeling better to and more easily distracted from the rubbish. So I am having a 'good' day. Things are still difficult and ick but it's ok. All I want to do now is eat. It's another way to escape. I shall see how I am tomorrow.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on September 01, 2018, 01:52:35 AM
that box sounds great
I'm glad you are feeling a little better too
xxx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 01, 2018, 05:33:50 PM
Been feeling a little better today also. Work is really helping me stay distracted and around people. Slept better last night also, meant I was super tired this morning though. Work spoke to me today. They have noticed me being a bit more quiet, and saying I am tired a lot so suspected something was going on. They are not mad or annoyed or upset with me. They want to know how they can help me through this. We all hope that my holiday next week will give me a boost.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 02, 2018, 12:26:51 PM
I'm  sure the holiday will help you feel better :)

I hope that the courses will help. Just do small things so that you don't feel overwhelmed.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 02, 2018, 06:31:26 PM
I am hoping it will help me feel better. I am worried what I will be like once it is done though! I am better if I can stay distracted and with people. Difficult when I live alone and have gaps in my routine. Depression sucks. I have been not too bad again today. However if I stop for a second and think about it it all starts to come back in. I am worried about what will happen after my holiday. But I am determined to enjoy my time away.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on September 02, 2018, 07:34:23 PM
You'll have a great time!  :backflip:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 02, 2018, 07:46:19 PM
Thank you. I have a lot of activities booked.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Rob on September 02, 2018, 07:58:09 PM
You'll need a holiday to recover after your holiday by the sounds of it.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: caspers smudj on September 02, 2018, 07:59:41 PM
I'm jealous
I need a holiday that doesn't involve breathing issues in hospital
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 02, 2018, 08:10:45 PM
I have rock climbing, pedalo, archery, high ropes, climbing wall, spa day, swimming and a trip to the safari park. It should be good and will hopefully get my mood back on track.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 03, 2018, 05:11:52 PM
I feel out of breath just reading that list!  ::P: I hope you enjoy yourself :)
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 03, 2018, 06:11:19 PM
We out for dinner at the moment. I have a lovely c***tail yummy. Been rock climbing but had to leave early as I got really sweaty and tired. It is helping to stay distracted
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 04, 2018, 11:16:23 PM
Sounds like you're having a great time! :) Keeping active with nice company can help you feel a bit better and it's nice to escape from those crappy thoughts for a while too :).
 Is it for five days?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 05, 2018, 08:32:42 AM
Yes it is for 5 days. Today I have a lot of activities booked in. It is nice to have good company. It is good to be distracted and it helping my mood loads. Let's hope this positive continues when I get back.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 07, 2018, 12:29:30 PM
Back home now back iny environment, back to reality. Bunny has greeted me in his own way. The pots need washing, the cages need cleaning, I need to go shopping, sort out my prescriptions, do laundry and mostly I am now on my own again! Oh well. It was a good holiday and it did help my mood loads. Just back to reality now. Having a cup of tea first though.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 09, 2018, 10:07:07 PM
How are things now?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 10, 2018, 12:28:26 PM
Not too bad. I am still feeling ok from my holiday. I did see the consellor today but that brought up a few of the negatives that in in my life. I started crying again. I am.still determined to carry on and to try to stay well.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 11, 2018, 11:08:41 AM
Counselling can be very difficult, it often gets worse before it gets better but it will help in the long term  :hug1: :hug2:.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 11, 2018, 12:17:04 PM
I struggled for the rest of yesterday. Sigh. Hopefully today will be better. I am starting a self esteem course today. I feel like I am fraud going on it because I have done it before. That means I have failed!!! I am scared about going. May take an anxiety pill. But that will mean taking one for 3 days in a row which I haven't done in a long time! Argh. The cpn said to focus and balance out with positives. Mine can be that I cleared my kitchen out. Was quite productive with the pa today.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 11, 2018, 07:05:11 PM
I am feeling weird again today. Cannot quite put my finger on what is wrong.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Lauren on September 12, 2018, 10:08:13 AM
Did you get some sleep? How are you feeling today?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 12, 2018, 10:40:02 AM
I did sleep but woke up a bit during the night. I drank a whole bottle of wine last night. I feel a little low today but I shall see how my mood settles. Seeing my sister this evening for a film night.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 13, 2018, 11:28:58 AM
Self esteem is hard, I haven't got any self esteem either. I know how you feel there!  :hug1: How did the course go? Even if you only learn a little it's a good start. I hope there was some benefit to going.
I'm glad to see that you're keeping busy and seeing your sister more though  :fryingpan: for drinking too much wine!  ::P:

 :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 13, 2018, 11:36:03 AM
I am a bit phasey today. I am trying to ground myself. I want to cry. I am at a group. I am not talking to people. Somebody keeps trying to talk to me I just don't have enough working brain power at the moment to hold a conversation. My pa is coming here. Even though I find her a bit much and a bit intrusive I cannot wait for her to come.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 14, 2018, 12:09:38 PM
That's sounds really stressful, it's horrible when people won't leave you alone. I don't know why people feel the need to mindlessly chit chat constantly, it's like they don't understand the concept of a comfortable silence nor do they understand that some people aren't very talkative..
Are you OK now?  :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 14, 2018, 05:35:34 PM
Yes I am a lot more grounded today. Managed a day at work ok.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 14, 2018, 05:41:59 PM
I did have a call from social services that provide my community care. They are going to reassess me and see how my pas are helping me.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 14, 2018, 05:43:11 PM
I also got a letter from my GP surgery. The mental health facilitator wants to see me to do a mental and physical review of me. I am confused by this one as I thought all the monitoring was done under the cmht.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: terrified heart on September 14, 2018, 06:00:44 PM
I have a GP mental/physical health review every year. I think itís a standard procedure. They make sure my physical health needs are being taken into account in terms of psych med side effects and that Iím still being supported with my MH needs. Itís not an in-depth thing usually, although I normally have a full set of blood tests done and get weighed, blood pressure etc..
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 14, 2018, 06:50:16 PM
I get all those things done with the cmht.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: terrified heart on September 14, 2018, 06:55:03 PM
Yeah, I seem to get it with both too xx
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 14, 2018, 07:04:41 PM
Ok. Just seems weird that they both do them with me! Guess I should make the appointment.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 15, 2018, 05:40:21 PM
I get reviews every year at the GPs too, I get blood tests, blood pressure check, weighed and a med review. I think it's standard procedure for anyone who has a chronic illness/takes medication. The part that I hate most is the weighing...   :hide:.

It's good to hear that you're managing work OK.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 15, 2018, 05:53:12 PM
I feel like there is nothing wrong with me today. I feel like I can take on more work, there is a possibility of more hours for me. I feel like I can take on a whole breeding stud of guinea pigs. I have managed 2 days at work and been totally ok. I feel like I can walk away from mental health services and just suddenly lead a normal life. My manager was a upset with me earlier as I had gone through a down period and not told her. She wants me to tell her when I feel rubbish.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Patient Pianist on September 15, 2018, 09:48:54 PM
Im sorry things are so rough. Im not so good with words right now but im thinking of you.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 15, 2018, 10:03:33 PM
Thank you. After a bath and reading my book I am calmer now.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 17, 2018, 11:43:11 AM
You're dealing with your ups and downs really well.  :hug1:

Be careful that you don't take on too much and get overwhelmed again, could you cope with more work on your worse days? Just think about it before agreeing to anything.   :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 17, 2018, 12:38:40 PM
Sometimes work helps my low moments. It keep me structured and occupied. I do worry about taking on too much but I feel like I can take on the world at the moment.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 17, 2018, 12:45:15 PM
Consellor says I have a more positive outlook today. I feel ok. I want to be normal now. I have bought another guinea pig with possible intentions to breed.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 17, 2018, 03:11:36 PM
Breeding guinea pigs would be a big commitment so talk to your PA first, there's a particular one you can talk to easily isn't there? If you want more guinea pigs could you rescue some instead,? Just bare in mind that you've had to give some animals away in the past because you couldn't handle them all, we all have limits to what we can handle, heck I'd have millions of rabbits if I could but I know I can't because it wouldn't be good for me or the rabbits.
While you may feel good now your conditions fluctuate slot so before you make any more commitments talk it through first.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 17, 2018, 05:34:02 PM
My condition does fluctuate a lot. I am sick of living by well I may get sick in a few months time. I am sick of letting my illness hold me back and stop me doing the things I want. This guinea pig will live with my girls so won't be any extra work for me. I guess I just want to do what I used to do which is to breed guinea pigs, work full time, and be normal. To a degree. I will talk to my pa, my cpn was ok with me because she knows it's something I am passionate about and that the pas will help me if it gets too much. The cpn wants me to do something that makes me happy. But I am giving myself quite a few months to think about it all and to see what my mood does.

I got a review with social services this Thursday to see how my support is helping me. A part of me was worried they would do what pip did to me and say I am well and take my support of me. The consellor says I should be painting my worst day.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2018, 01:59:31 PM
Eep. I got the social services assessment tomorrow. I was worried that they would take all my community support off me. I phoned my cpn today to talk to her about it. She just said straight out that she will come to the meeting! Eep. My cpn will be coming to my flat.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 19, 2018, 04:30:06 PM
I am now worried incase my cpn got the wrong end of the stick! What if my cpn thinks it's something to do with my pips then gets frustrated with me when she finds out it is social care. I did say social services.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 20, 2018, 01:42:11 PM
Those meetings are always nerve-racking but it is just to check that  you are getting the level of support that you need. It'll be OK, this isn't a Crapita assessment so they won't take anything away from you; social services have a duty of care where as Crapita are nasty people hired by the government.  :hug1: :hug2:.
How did it go?
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 20, 2018, 03:27:20 PM
The meeting went ok. The social services person was nice to me. Looks like they will pay for my horse riding lessons to commence again, will pay for me to do activities with my pa. My can was nice enough also. I didn't warn my pa what was happening so she was there also. I feel like I was listened to. It didn't matter that I had ok days and do a lot for myself.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 20, 2018, 05:43:39 PM
Sounds positive for you  :emot-thumbsup11:. I'm glad they're not reducing your support because you do still need it. It'll be nice for you to take up horseradish again, you used to really enjoy that. It looks like they're trying to help with the funding until PIP gets sorted out, have you heard about P IP yet? I know that you sent your MRC off a while ago.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 20, 2018, 06:10:56 PM
Nope not heard anything back.from my pip yet. The only problem will be paying for the petrol to do these activities. It was a positive meeting and I do still need the support even if I am doing well. they accepted that without the support I will just spend all my time in bed. They want to help liase with work and make sure I am ok there. They have concerns about me increasing my hours there and the possible negative effects it could have on my mental health. I was looking forward to a more normal life and taking on more responsibility. They also said if I get really ill I may have to get rid of all my pets which upset me and said that's an incentive to keep doing things. Apparently at times I also make unwise decisions. Cheers for that. DOH. I am sick of being a patient, sick of needing help and support, sick of not being able to work full time, sick of not being able to take care of myself and my animals without support. I used to have the same wish when I was a kid, and that was to be happy.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 20, 2018, 06:13:49 PM
If I ever manage to make it to being well I would love to foster guinea pigs for a rehoming charity. I would also love to be able to run a guinea pig breeding stud and pass on my love and knowledge of guineas to others and enrich their lives with these little creatures. I have passed on knowledge before partly by breeding in the past and have helped new owners with their pets. I want to be able to get back to that. I also want a child but I don't think that is going to happen either.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 25, 2018, 08:45:15 PM
Had my yearly review with the mental health facilitator at the GP surgery today. It went ok. She thinks I have situational depression. Argh. Depression again. I have been so tired past few days. Struggling to think and concentrate. All I can do is lie down and rest. I have been trying to stay busy. She thinks it's just a down from the little high I had. I don't think the tiredness is that. She isn't happy that nobody reviewed me last year whilst she was off having a baby. All I want to do is sleep, eat or drink alcohol.

I am also struggling more with money. I have 2 poorly guinea pigs and I feel bad about it. I spent money on their treatment. I hope I manage to get the pips. I am still waiting to hear from them.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 26, 2018, 10:20:26 PM
I'm sorry about the guineas, are they OK? You could try the PDSA to help with the money or you might be able to pay in installments at the vets.

Situational depression suggests that there's something going on to make you feel this way, any ideas about it? It's been happening for a while so it must be a long term thing.

Many people with MH probs/autism manage to achieve the things they want so I think we should giveba damn good go. Many also have children :).
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 27, 2018, 09:22:39 AM
One has an abscess so is easy to treat. The other we are not sure what is wrong with her. It means I have had to put getting this new guinea pig on hold but the breeder totally understands and is willing to keep hold of her. There is a PDSA but it's around 14 miles away. I am tempted though to go there.

The mental health facilitator thinks loneliness is a big factor to my depression. Even if I am in a group I am often at the edge of the group not really talking to anyone.

I am worried about work this weekend. It's only 2 of us in on each day. I am worried that will show up the fact I am not a good worker. I am scared I won't do good enough. All I want to do is spend a day in bed.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: indigo on September 27, 2018, 09:20:33 PM
You will be good enough. :hug1:
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Vermilion on September 29, 2018, 12:14:10 PM
Poor guineas. I hope they find out what she needs so that she can get better. Abscesses seem to be quite common in guineas so hopefully the treatment will be effective.

Re loneliness, I tend to get that said to me a lot, I think it's due to autism because we just don't connect with people. I think people can misunderstand us too because we have little tolerance for idle chit chat and we don't pick up on social cues that seem to come so naturally to others. I'm not sure how to combat it but at a guess I would say that groups for people with autism would be a good option, I figure we'd all at least understand the struggles we all face and be less judgemental and an added bonus is that there wouldn't be much idle chit chat and pointless bs small talk. It's really just an idea though..

I hope work goes OK this weekend, I'm sure it will :).
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on September 29, 2018, 05:42:24 PM
So far my weekend at work seems to be going ok. My mood seems ok, I wonder if there is anything wrong and why I am taking meds.

I do go to a social group for people with autism. I also go to other groups. I have had to reduce the number of groups I do due to financial reasons. That means I am spending more time alone, particularly in the evenings.
Title: Re: Mood starting to go other way.
Post by: Tucan on October 03, 2018, 07:35:35 PM
 :lock11: