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Title: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2018, 07:01:25 PM
I just don't enjoy my life. I seem to lack direction but also lack motivation to get direction. I am lonely and struggling to connect with people. I could do with a boyfriend but really struggle with that kind of relationship. Work was ok but I still feel a bit bleh. I cannot put my finger on what I am feeling. I hate the way I have no motivation but have no motivation to change. Sigh. I am my own worst enemy.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2018, 07:08:37 PM
I am putting in a lot of effort to be happy. Fake it until you make it. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: CreamEgg2018 on February 10, 2018, 07:13:39 PM
It sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Maybe making some basic goals can help? Your life can sound meaningful from your post. You can add things to it. You sound quite low but seems you feel you haven't achieved much or much of what you want. Boyfriends can just happen you never know you may meet someone at work or in another situation. You seem quite hard on yourself. You'll be ok. I hope I've introduced you to some positive points as when low people can reflect negatively. Take things wasy, your still coming out of crisis.Take Care.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2018, 07:30:44 PM
I will have to look at goal setting. I am just unsure what to make my goals. Crisis did suggest an animal care course but I am unsure how I will afford it!
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 10, 2018, 08:15:16 PM
I'm sorry things are still not 100%. I can only wish you hope. I have no cures, advice or suggestions. I'm sorry. But, I'm still following. Are you sleeping a little better now?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2018, 08:42:30 PM
I am still waking up in the night. Which is a pain.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 10, 2018, 08:52:55 PM
Do you feel as though you are getting enough sleep required to do daily activities and  such, even though you are waking during the night?
Just trying to think of little baby things that you can look at revising or finding a temporary solution to, to help. Sorry if itís a bad idea
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2018, 09:00:21 PM
I can be tired during the day but not as much as you would think. Some days I yawn a lot others I appear ok.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 10, 2018, 09:06:13 PM
I guess when youíre at work, it doesnít help much.......? Do you do a challenging role where itís likely to cause major problems?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 10, 2018, 09:47:12 PM
It can get difficult at times when I have to think of the next job to do. I work on a visitor farm so I look after volunteers and customers. I also supervisor on the Sunday which is difficult. All I want to do half the time is lie in bed.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 11, 2018, 07:41:02 AM
I would imagine it is appealing to stay in bed. Keep that motivation and energy up to make sure you are only in bed when it is for routine sleep, or if you are sick with cold/flu :)

I find it hard to stay in bed. Even if there is no energy or motivation and depression is at it's worst. My body aches more in bed and I get too hot, then I get uncomfortable. I just sit somewhere staring at a wall. Same thing, for me.

Use any free days to catch up on required sleep. When the sleep routine returns, try not to over-do it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 08:47:12 AM
It is hard to stay out of bed. I just find my bed so comfy. Plus I don't tend worry about stuff when I am in bed. I get so tired and worn out all I can do is lie down. But I guess that is what depression does for you. I sometimes try to stay out of bed and end up sat on my kitchen floor doing nothing. If I am already in bed I struggle to get out.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 11, 2018, 12:00:54 PM
I tend to feel more physically ill if I stay in bed all day. That, obviously is not a nice feeling. I guess Iíve always been doing something that required me outta bed. Even thinking, getting lost in thought and/or dissociating are things I cannot do in bed. Even if I do it all day long. Iím allergic to bed, I have to be lol.
I imagine that bed for you, is the security, safe space. Somewhere that you want to be all the time, secure, safe and comfy. That right?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 05:26:06 PM
Yes something like that. I have gone to bed before to stay safe. I have been so tired before that I have spent the vast majority of the day in bed. It is a safe and secure place to be. Plus I have very little motivation so it can be really hard to get up.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 11, 2018, 05:36:43 PM
I understand to some extent. Just with a different item. I'm completely like that in my car. Everything you have just said, just replace bed with car.
I find it hard to get out of my car once I'm in it. I find it the safest place I could possibly be.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 06:00:11 PM
Aww bless you. I understand that.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 06:56:00 PM
I want to be able to give up on all.adult responsibilities. I want to be able to hide from the world. I don't want to be alone I want to able to live with somebody else.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 07:39:12 PM
Got an appointment tomorrow to help me fill out my pip forms. It's going to be difficult.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 11, 2018, 07:54:18 PM
I get the "Adult Responsibilities" thing.
Give it time and hopefully an opportunity will come along where you will be able to live with another. For some people, living alone can be difficult. I tend to like it, as I like isolating.
Yup, PIP applications are nuts. Horrible things. I hope everything goes as well as can be expected with regards to that. Try not to think too hard on each question as sometimes they get confusing the more you think on it. I'm glad you have support to help you sort this.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 08:23:22 PM
I have an appointment at 10. I am taking one of my pa's with me as I want support going to an unknown place.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 11, 2018, 09:18:35 PM
That is a good move. Itís better to have the support to start than to try and deal on your own and be a wreck before youíve started. I hope Iím not outta line by saying that....? Just going on my own experiences with this sorta thing.....sorry.

And, sorry if this is a dumb question, but what is a PA? Just donít want to assume anything and dig myself a hole one day....
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 11, 2018, 09:53:39 PM
Personal assistant. It's like having a support worker.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 11, 2018, 10:03:19 PM
Ah I see. I thought it was, but I didnít know you can get one. Is it through CMHT or something completely different?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 08:54:11 AM
Something completely different. I get a personal budget through the council that pays for my support. I have 2 Pas a week. One helps me sort my flat out and the other does social stuff with me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 12, 2018, 09:38:24 AM
Ah, that is a good idea. Do you get on well with them?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 12, 2018, 09:43:04 AM
Hope everything goes okay this morning. :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 12:24:01 PM
I do get on with them ok. I find the one I go out with can be a bit full on sometimes. Especially if we doing anything in the home. The other one is a bit more chilled.

I have been to my appointment today and filled out my pips form. It wasn't very nice going through stuff but I did ok.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 12, 2018, 12:43:06 PM
That is good. It is important that you get on with them.
I'm glad it's sorted. One less thing. Good going :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 12:58:50 PM
Now it's the waiting game to see what they decide. My biggest fear is that I won't get pips. Then I worry how I will afford my daily living costs. I only work part time minimum wage! But there is nothing I can do now.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 12, 2018, 01:03:22 PM
It is the longest wait, but I hope they consider your application thoroughly
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 01:32:24 PM
Hopefully. Fingers crossed I score enough points. I am currently on dla, high care and low mobility. I just always worry when I fill out the forms. Plus I got somebody different to fill out the forms than usual (the usual place has stopped).  It's also a different benefit so I am worried. But there is nothing I can do now. I may get called into an interview which is extremely scary as I have never done one before.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on February 12, 2018, 01:45:50 PM
From my experience, it could be disheartening. I was on DLA same as you. I switched to PIP early last year. Got standard which I could have appealed, but I didnít have face to face so I was happy to take anything. I did a change of circumstance as things had got worse and they didnít change a thing. I could have appealed that, but I was not planning on sticking around. I could still challenge apparently, but I donít like the feeling of rejection. Also, second time I had a face to face. It was awful.

What Iím saying, is that whatever happens, just stick with it. Keep some tiny hope that theyíll understand. If you do have to do a face to face, I wish you the best of luck and deffo take someone with you. Things seemed easier with DLA, I think it gets messed up with PIP and MH.

Iím happy that I have something. I hope you get what you are entitled to fully.  There are are a fair few weeks coming up with waiting, try not to dwell on it too much.

Iím sorry if anything I have said offends, my brain has just been completely fried. I know what I want to say, I just cannot do it in the right way. Iím sorry
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 02:41:27 PM
You are fine don't worry about it. Bless you. It is a stressful process. I found there were no questions about staying safe in it. I got DLA on the basis I was a danger to myself. So we had to add that at the end of the form. The person I seen was general disabilities so she didn't always ask the right questions like the previous people did who were mental health based. She kept saying a lot of the questions referred to physical disabilities. She was ok though and it was better than filling out the forms on my own. I am hoping it will go well for me. It has gone well for other people that have gone through the process with this help. The only person it didn't go well for was too stubborn to get help and did it on his own. He lost everything.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 09:36:18 PM
I been low at my group this evening. Not really talking or joining in much. There was a conversation I found uncomfortable that happened. I felt bad for the person involved. How much longer do I have to live this life for. I wish I had the balls to kill myself. My cpn hates me. I feel lost and alone.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on February 12, 2018, 11:10:41 PM
Sometimes conversations can make people feel uncomfortable, but that should be the end of it. You'll feel better again. I'm sure your CPN sees that you're a good person and likes you.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 12, 2018, 11:25:22 PM
I guess it triggered me a bit. She was talking about about being in the crisis house, turns out she was in just before I was, and she was also talking about how upset she was with somebody else. I used to be really good friends with her. But I said something that upset her last year, she accused me of not caring but never said what had actually upset her. We have barely spoken since. I do still care about her.

My cpn said a lot of harsh stuff last time I seen her. She wasn't very nice to me at all! She doesn't even know me yet.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: CreamEgg2018 on February 13, 2018, 03:20:28 PM
Hi Tucan how are things today? Take Care
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 13, 2018, 03:35:06 PM
A little low but not horrendously so. I also think I been hallucinating today. That weird smell was back that tells me to overdose, also I was hearing things earlier but I couldn't quite tell what they were saying. I couldn't find the source of it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: CreamEgg2018 on February 13, 2018, 03:48:46 PM
Do you need to see your GP or psychiatrist? What you write is a little concerning/worrying regarding your health.

Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 13, 2018, 06:16:54 PM
They were only small hallucinations. I am so tired today. I also been a little shaky today. I see the cpn in3 weeks time so I could tell her then. I shall see if it happens again. I am surprised it happened at all given the meds I am on. But I am.still waking up a lot in the night. It's not quantities of sleep its quality.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on February 14, 2018, 12:04:25 PM
Have you had anymore hallucinations? I get them when I'm really stressed and/or extremely tired. You've been through a lot and you're not sleeping well so that could be what's happening. If it continues or worsens you should contact your CPN (or someone else if you're not comfortable with her) sooner rather than waiting 3 weeks.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 14, 2018, 03:58:36 PM
Luckily I haven't had any more hallucinations. So hopefully it was a one off day. I did have a lie in today, not sure if I actually slept but I was in bed. I also been quiet and withdrawn again today like I was last night. I guess that things are still not that ok with me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 15, 2018, 12:35:50 PM
I spent all of last evening in bed. I couldn't move. My mood has been low this week and I have had some anxiety creep in. I have been quiet and withdrawn. I was supposed to of met a friend last night but I just couldn't move. So I cancelled. I was only going to see him because he keeps nagging me to visit but I just cannot be bothered to drive there. Everything seems to be taking up too much energy at the moment. I missed dinner last night because I was in bed Nd couldn't be bothered. I am currently sat in my car at tescos. I don't have the energy to move and actually do my shopping. So I am just sat here. I know I need to do it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: CreamEgg2018 on February 15, 2018, 01:01:28 PM
Hi Tucan  how are you now? Have you gone into Tesco? I would encourage you to phone somebody around you could talk to? Try take small steps. It's hard when feeling lethargic and demotivated. How are your meds?

Take Care
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 15, 2018, 01:35:44 PM
I am supposed to be going out later to see my friend. I am really low on energy I don't want to do it. I have managed to do my shopping but sat in the car park again before I drive home. I have just been a little low and quiet Nd withdrawn this week. I think the pip assessment forms may have taken it out of me. I at work tomorrow so that normally helps with my motivation.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on February 15, 2018, 01:52:44 PM
Perhaps just make it a quick visit if you're tired? Sometimes the change of scene and fresh company helps as long as you don't overdo it.
You seem to function better when you've got your day occupied at work, so it might do the trick at bringing your energy back up again. Are you eating ok - it doesn't sound like you are eating as well as you should?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 15, 2018, 02:28:59 PM
I do get on with him but he isn't much of a conversationalist so sometimes it can feel like hard work. I have been putting this visit off for a few weeks as I haven't felt up to it. He keeps asking me to come over. He lives around 6 miles away and I cannot be bothered to drive there. I am going to try to see him later on today. I must try to stay out of bed then I will be more successful in visiting him. I just couldn't move yesterday. Stupid depression.

I am not eating that well at the moment. I am not eating proper lunches but am snacking on sweets and chocolates instead. I didn't eat any dinner last night, I couldn't be bothered and I was in bed. I have bought more ready meals to help with my eating. I may have tried to get off them too early. I still haven't made it back to kayaking yet.

I do function better when I am at work. I also eat better, I eat more and I eat fruit and veg. I do struggle at work but I find it does help me. Even on the days I really cannot be bothered to go in.

I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am not snacking with the antipsychotics but I cannot cope eating a large snack just before bed! The pysch said it was just a guideline anyhow. I have bought milkshakes to go with them so I am taking in some calories whilst taking them. I am supposed to have 350 calories with them! Which is a lot at bedtime.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on February 15, 2018, 02:54:12 PM
A missed meal will leave you without energy - it's a bit of a catch 22 if you can't be bothered to eat, but that's when you need to most.

Milk shakes are helpful, but they do tend to only give a short spike for energy.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 15, 2018, 03:34:57 PM
I plan to eat tonight. I have eaten a good enough lunch today. I even had a cream cake with it. I don't plan to let myself go back bed as I will struggle to move again once I am in there. My friend will be very disappointed if I don't go. He has bought me flowers. Not sure why!
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 15, 2018, 10:26:24 PM
Even my friend said I looked tired and worn out. I couldn't eat all of my dinner and it felt like I was force feeding myself it. All I want to eat is rubbish. All I want is snacks and junk food. I even threw half my pot noodle away in the bin the other day. I need to get my eating back on track. I have a load of ready meals in. It's a shame I had to go back onto them. My mood has been low and anxious this week so I hope that work helps me. My energy levels have been really low also. On the bright I did receive the forms from conselling. I have to send them back but I may just drop them.off instead as it's easier than finding my check book, finding an envelope and buying stamps.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on February 16, 2018, 11:34:30 AM
Could you try not keeping crap food in the house and stock up on healthy food instead? I get the same way when I'm low but I keep things like fruit and nuts which don't take any effort. If you put the fruit with some yoghurt or ice cream it feels like a dessert but it's also doing some good. I use the plain Alpro yoghurts and it tastes sweet with the fruit in it and doesn't have too much sugar in it. Sorry if that doesn't help.
It's good that you've had the counselling forms through. How long is the wait after you do the forms?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 16, 2018, 05:56:14 PM
I don't know how long the waiting for conselling will be. I may ask when I drop my forms off Monday.

What you are saying does make sense. I have stocked up on crap as that is what I am eating at the moment. I just don't feel hungry at the moment. I didn't eat all of my dinner yesterday. I will eat better for a few days now as I take cherry tomatoes and bananas in to work with me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 16, 2018, 07:59:45 PM
Work went ok today though a few remarks the manager made did upset me a little bit. I managed ok energy wise. I did end up sitting down when I got home. I am determined to not go bed until bed time. I am still waking up in the night. I wonder how much longer I will have to put up with it for! I have still been a little low again today but work wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I did some small animal handling sessions which I was nervous about and unprepared for but they went ok and got me away from the volunteers and trying to find jobs for them all. All I had to worry about was my own work and it made a nice change. I do worry constantly that I am not good enough at my job.

I managed to eat a ready meal tonight. It was ok. I did have to force myself to eat it again. All I wanted was my sweets and chocolate biscuits etc.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on February 18, 2018, 02:26:00 PM
Its hard to eat properly when you're depressed something about it gives us that sugar craving. I think you must be good at your job because you're so caring, its good to have some structure that forces you to get up. Sorry you're feeling low again though.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 18, 2018, 05:23:55 PM
It's good to have that structure. I do sometimes struggle thinking of jobs but today I was more confident than I have been in a while. But I did make sure the manager left me with a decent list yesterday. It is hard to eat properly. I am just not that interested in normal proper food but I do crave eating junk. I have to keep reminding myself it isn't that long since I was in crisis and I still need to go easy on myself. I am expecting myself to be back to normal. However I am still waking up during the night, I am struggling with energy though I am better when I am at work, and my mood has been low the past week. I still laugh at other peoples jokes. When I am getting home I do next to nothing. I hope this upcoming week is better. I feel annoyed with myself that I am not all better. I am better to what I was I just haven't been 100% in a long time. Even when I think I am doing ok the pysch says I am still low and puts my meds up.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on February 19, 2018, 12:48:26 PM
 :hug1: im not very helpful today sorry but i am listening and send you hugs
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 19, 2018, 12:55:33 PM
Aww thank you. That's ok. I managed to have my long lie in.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 20, 2018, 03:38:24 PM
My pa cancelled on me today. As a consequence I spent half the day in bed and missed breakfast. Then when I did get up I didn't get on with my jobs. Sigh. I am so lazy and pathetic. I was planning on getting up early enough to have 2 cups of tea before she got here, then have a bacon and egg sandwich for lunch once she had left. Chill for a bit. Visit grandad and then visit mother. Chill for a bit have dinner and then go knitting group. Instead I didn't get out of bed until until 12:10. Then I didn't function for a few hours. Somehow I still managed to have my bacon and egg sandwich. I haven't had the motivation to drink enough today so I am now really thirsty. I have tried drinking some water. All I have managed to do of my jobs is wash my pots. I haven't even started on my cages yet. I don't think I have enough woodshavings which means an extra step.of going to the shop. I always go with my pa. I may just go to pets at home even though they are a lot more expensive. They are also closer. I have run out of time to visit my grandad who is frail and old and sick. I am normally at my mother's by now but I am still not dressed! Arghh. How does this happen to me again! I am so bad and lazy. All I want to do is lie in bed. Stupid  :peepwall1:  :banghead:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 21, 2018, 04:41:07 PM
I am really tired today but I have managed to get out of bed. I keep putting pressure on myself to be ok. But I am not ok just yet. I am better to what I was, even though I think about death I am not actively suicidal. I find myself having to remind myself that it is still only a few weeks since I been in crisis and that you don't get better overnight. It's only 3 weeks since the antidepressants went up. Yet I am expecting myself to be ok. I did manage to get some woodshavings but I had to get them from.pets at home! I just didn't have the motivation to go to that other place. Plus I am a lot shorter on time today. I feel so worn out today. I really need to clean out that last cage. I feel bad that I didn't get to see my grandad yesterday. That is completely my fault. Bad tucan. My life is a mess and I am crippled by making decisions. I am supposed to be going to a comedy festival this evening but I am that tired I am tempted to skip it. But I must try to keep up with my routine. Even if all I want to do is be in bed. I am trying my best but I don't think that is good enough. I nearly cried on my mum yesterday several times saying how hard things were. I feel so useless especially when I don't have anyone with me  :smilie_help: I even felt lost and vulnerable earlier because I had to walk back to my car on my own. Pathetic.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on February 21, 2018, 05:42:07 PM
Nobody can do better than their best. When you're still on the mend, trying to do as much as normal will be much harder, so although taking it easy would be counterproductive, you should still be less hard on yourself if things take a little more time and effort - don't overstretch yourself.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 21, 2018, 06:11:34 PM
All I seem to want to do is stay in bed. I am so tired. I am trying to push myself to keep going out. I haven't been back to kayaking yet. I am so tired I don't seem to function once I am in my flat. I struggle to concentrate on the tv for more than 10 minutes or so. I am still struggling to do the basics. I haven't had a bath or shower since Thursday I believe. I just don't have the motivation. I have to keep reminding myself that I am still recovering then I get frustrated that I am not better.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 22, 2018, 03:09:47 PM
My pa wants to see my cpn with me. I am unsure about this. The cpn was saying that I needed to use the support I got but also said I was too dependent on services. When I told the cpn about my friend and how she has somebody go with her to every appointment and help sort of solicitors and stuff she said at least I got my training wheels off. What will she think if I bring someone with me! But she was really harsh last time with me and I may need somebody to translate for me. My pa also said I appear low today. I was awake much longer than normal last night and it took me a while to get back to sleep this time. I guess I am low. I am getting some suicidal thoughts and think things are pointless. I am frustrated that all I want to do is be in bed. Maybe I am being too passive about the recovery thing expecting it to happen for me like it would with a cold rather than actively trying to recover. But I am trying to keep up with my routines. I am going out. I am visiting family. I am also kanckered and low. Stupid health.

I also struggled with my pa today. I find her to be a bit of a whirlwind. She was starting to flap because she didn't know where this conselling place was. I was ok but was finding her difficult to deal with. I wanted calm. I found her trying to go.quickly through everything when I was more laid back. We had plenty of time. She also kept asking a lot of questions I didn't feel like answering. It was like she couldn't cope with silence for 5 minutes. I just found her a bit much whilst I am like this. too much activity and noise.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on February 22, 2018, 07:25:55 PM
It's difficult to know what's best, sometimes. Your pa will be under pressure to get as much done as possible as quickly as possible, however much time she had allocated with you. Don't let the speed differences bother you - if you're feeling a bit low, you're obviously going to want calm and not a whirlwind.

Your cpn will always be pushing you to do as much as possible yourself - whether her expectations are reasonable or not is the question, and this is something that needs to be answered. She certainly wouldn't be happy if she thought that your progress was stagnating because of service's help, and this is perhaps why she seems harsh with you, in a way she's finding out where the balance between help and hindrance lay, because ideally she will be trying to help you help yourself as much as possible. Passively expecting things just to improve certainly isn't the best way forward, but neither is failing because you try too hard - that knocks you back and destroys the confidence that you've built up. As long as you're trying your best (and you seem to be doing that), your cpn should be pleased. You have pushed yourself, and that is what is seen as progress - however much help you need to do so is immaterial.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 22, 2018, 08:04:20 PM
Maybe I need to have a chat with the pa and ask her to calm down. It's good that she trying to motivate me I just finding her a bit much.

I know the cpn needs to challenge me. I don't mind being challenged. I want to be challenged. But it was most of the meeting. It felt horrible like she was being harsh for most of the meeting. Maybe I need to tell her that she has upset me. I am not sure that I am that brave though. I been low again today. Had a lie down earlier and that seems to help me. Thank you for your help.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on February 25, 2018, 09:38:29 AM
Sorry but what's a pa?

You sound like you are doing everything right but it's betty hard sometimes this mh stuff and it knocks is around. I think you are doing great seeing as you were in crisis recently and you are very kind to everybody here
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on February 25, 2018, 06:02:44 PM
Pa is a personal assistant. It's a bit like a support worker. One comes in and helps me sort out my bills, insurance, cleaning and tidying of the flat. The other one does social inclusion more so we go out bike riding, go to visitor centres, go walking, she went with me to fill out my pips forms.

It can be really hard. I had a chat with my boss yesterday and she said to talk to my cpn. She also asked if I could change cpns. She also suggested I try this herbal aromatherapy bracelet. She said it has helped her. I may look into it. I just feel frustrated that I am still low no matter what I try. I am still taking my meds properly. I try to be busy but if I have no prior arrangement I don't get out of bed. I have arranged to see someone tomorrow at a cafe. It should be nice. I am not close to this person but they asked to meet up and I said yes. I invited my friend to join us but she said no again. She always says no now. I wish she would see more of me but she claims to be too sick.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 06, 2018, 12:42:25 PM
I am seeing my cpn tomorrow. I am a bit worried as her attitude towards me last time was less than fantastic.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 06, 2018, 05:18:25 PM
Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with her.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 06, 2018, 09:54:23 PM
 :smilie_help: I am really anxious about seeing her tomorrow in case she has the same attitude
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on March 06, 2018, 10:00:10 PM
She's there to help you - try and remember that however she appears. Impress on her how much you're trying and how much you're doing, but also acknowledge that your pa helps you to achieve so much.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 06, 2018, 10:26:43 PM
Perhaps you could also explain how she made you feel last time too? Explain that you're finding difficult to be open with her because she made you feel a bit crappy? You need a CPN that you can talk openly with otherwise she won't be able to help.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 06, 2018, 11:02:05 PM
I guess so. I do want to tell her how she left me feeling but I am worried about confronting her. I feel bad for pointing out bad in her. I feel like I cannot confront her. I also feel stupid for being upset by her.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 07, 2018, 01:07:03 PM
She was I lot nicer this time. Thankfully. She was happy with the progress I have made. I am seeing her again in 4 weeks time. She understood a bit more why I stopped my meds.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 07, 2018, 05:13:33 PM
She also had a student nurse in with her and I don't know if that had any effect on her behaviour
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on March 07, 2018, 06:37:54 PM
It might have done, but it probably didn't. Perhaps she was just stressed herself last time and you picked up on that.  At least you're happier with her attitude today  :)

(I've also split your thread as it was over 40 pages).
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 07, 2018, 07:46:38 PM
I'm glad that she was nicer this time, hopefully you feel better about seeing her again.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 07, 2018, 08:31:24 PM
Hopefully. Apparently the student is going to be in the next meeting also. Maybe it was a bad day for her that day. But I still don't trust her fully yet. I told her I was ok today, that I had been low but was ok now. I forgot to tell her about the hallucinations but it was only one day and didn't come back.

Sorry my thread was long. I just found it easier to keep using the same thread rather than starting a new one.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on March 07, 2018, 08:44:32 PM
It's easier for people on mobiles to navigate shorter threads, particularly if data is metered, so we split them and start another with the same title.  :)

Trust does take time to earn, and she has to earn it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 07, 2018, 09:05:38 PM
It does take time. It can take a little longer for me sometimes. I am trying to trust her but I am still weary of her.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 08, 2018, 08:24:36 AM
It takes me a while to trust someone too. You can't be expected to confide your issues in someone that you don't know, especially with your social difficulties. You're really trying your best.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 08, 2018, 11:38:45 AM
Thank you. I am feeling a little shaky today. I have taken some propanol to help but I am still a little shaky and on edge. I was only telling my cpn yesterday that I was ok and a lot better to what I was! Why do these things keep happening to me! I was on edge last night a bit. Not sure why. Then someone touched me I said no, h continued to touch me and I freaked out. He was put out by my reaction. Luckily staff were there to explain to him that he cannot just ouch people.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 09, 2018, 05:52:21 PM
I am feeling really stressed today. I feel like I am being left out at work today. I thought I was getting better. Why am I feeling so stressed out today. I wanted to ignore people.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 09, 2018, 06:59:26 PM
I also slept poorly last night. My sleep though not perfect was getting better. It took a while to drop off despite using herbal sleep stuff on my pillow and temple balm. I woke at 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6! Feels almost like I am back at square one. I did get my sleeping down to waking up once during the night normally sound 6:30 which is better than waking at 3.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 10, 2018, 05:51:11 PM
I really need help. I am messing up at work. The manager spoke to me today saying that I am there but keep spacing out. I need to improve. She worried I will turn into how I was when I first started as a volunteer. She thinks I am getting worse and going backwards. I am struggling to think at work. Struggling to come up with jobs. Struggling to be creative. I was quite good at this at one stage. My poor performance has started to effect the rest of the team. People are noticing me spacing out more than I am! If it continues or get worse the management may decide that I am no longer fit to fulfill my role there. She has taken the weekend supervisor position off me. She thinks the extra stress isn't helping me. I think that it is still the aps lurasidone causing this. When I reduced dose last time I became more animated and was able to think more clearly and creatively. Maybe it is still sedating me and I cannot tolerate this drug. I am also worried it isn't the ap. That would mean it is me and I have gotten worse. If it is the ap then it's a simple solution, switch drugs. If it's not then I don't know what I am going to do. The manager did say she didn't want it to get to a point where I say I am no longer able to work, of they say I am not fit enough. I really hope it is the drugs rather than me. I am really struggling to retain information at the moment so my concentration is b*****ed. Thank you for reading this and for helping me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 11, 2018, 03:32:08 AM
Can you go to the gp and ask about the meds? I'm sorry you are struggling at work  :hug1:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 11, 2018, 05:41:29 PM
My gp didn't prescribe my meds, they were prescribed by the pyschiatrist. I am not sure the GP can touch them. I got my sister to call me, she suggested I take extra toilet brakes so I have breathing space. She also suggested I talk to my cpn about work. I cannot believe I am in this sh**! I had been doing quite well for so long at work.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 11, 2018, 06:54:58 PM
I think I did better at work today but it depends on what people say about me. I am still really worried that I could lose my job or that I am not fit enough for work.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 12, 2018, 11:53:00 AM
 :smilie_help: I am really worried I could lose my job.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 12, 2018, 12:48:30 PM
I'm hopeful you won't lose your job. When can you see your psychiatrist next about your meds?
Did you try the extra breaks your sister suggested?
Can you write a list of potential things you struggle with at work at write a must of solutions you could use? It maybe that your manager is trying to relieve some pressure off you so that it doesn't come to losing your job. Sorry my heads in the wrong space to be helpful but I'm listening
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 12, 2018, 01:02:56 PM
That's ok bless you. I still only had one toilet break. I next see my pyschiatrist in mid April. It got put back a month. I have rung my cpn but she is on annual leave today so she may call me back tomorrow. I am really scared that I cannot improve and I will lose my job. It's such a conscious effort to stay focused.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 12, 2018, 01:14:52 PM
Its there anyway you could go sooner? I hope your cpn calls you back tomorrow .  :hug1:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 12, 2018, 01:34:40 PM
I will have a chat to my cpn about it. See what she suggests and whether or not she thinks it is the meds causing it. If she thinks I need to I can see my pyschiatrist earlier.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 13, 2018, 12:19:06 PM
I have spoken to my cpn. She is going to have a chat with one of the drs so see if this is the right medication for me and to see if it can be reduced at all. My main pyschiatrist is on annual leave though for a couple of weeks. We are not sure if I am too sensitive to the medication or if it is the right one for me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: so sad on March 13, 2018, 12:33:55 PM
I really hope you get something sorted and quickly
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 13, 2018, 12:38:08 PM
So do I. I really don't want to lose my job. It means a lot to me and is one of the few normal/mainstream things I do.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 14, 2018, 12:24:35 PM
I'm glad you could talk to your cpn about your meds. How has work been going since?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 14, 2018, 12:41:00 PM
Haven't been in since Sunday. Go back Friday. I only do 3 days a week.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 14, 2018, 04:06:51 PM
I have had a call back from the cmht and they are halving my ap, lurasidone. Hopefully that will help me wake up a little bit and function better. I also hope that the reduced dose doesn't make me go downhill again. I don't mind if I go manic.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 14, 2018, 11:09:51 PM
I just picked up a tool. I seen it lying around from ages ago. I was tempted when I saw it and had to pick it up. It's been over 18 months since I last cut. I didn't do much it's only a small scratch but I did draw blood. I guess I am more stressed out over this work thing than I thought I was. It's the first time I have self harmed in ages. I am not sure how I feel about it. It's nothing major but it's just the principal of it. Not sure if I will end up doing it again. What's the point in things anymore. I just get sick anyhow and even when I am well I am not good enough.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 15, 2018, 12:53:22 PM
I feel a bit guilty about what I did last night but at the same time I want to do it again. My life is going to pot. I only just about get my mental health back on track then the rest of my life still goes to pot! What's the point anymore! Work will probably want to know but I am reserved about telling them. It's like my secret. I don't want to think they have caused this. I don't want them to feel guilty or think my mood is stepping backwards. I am stressed not depressed. I am stressed because I don't know how to resolve work. I think it's my medication causing the spaciness. So the cmht have agreed to reduce the meds. I am scared of getting ill by reducing medication but I also want to function at work and keep my job. It's my little bit of normality where my mental health doesn't take over and dictate what I do. Though my mental health is creeping into there also. Why can't I find the balance between being level in mood and able to function. It's not too bad on days where I only have groups but it is an issue for work. Why can't I be wonder woman. Or go high. I was very functional when I was high.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on March 15, 2018, 04:31:01 PM
I understand. I don't know what to say, but I understand.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 15, 2018, 05:27:32 PM
Thank you. I don't know whether to tell work or not. They want to know what is going on for me but I don't want them to think they caused. Plus it's personal. Also had a headache sorting out my medication. I am thinking about more sh tonight. I am so tired today I am struggling to get out of my car. I start the reduced dose of the ap lurasidone tonight. It's just not fair that it doesn't seem to be suiting me. I am not trying to be awkward.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on March 15, 2018, 05:33:14 PM
I know you're not trying to be awkward and you're right it's not fair. I guess with psych meds it can be quite a bit of trial and error before a med/combination of meds is found that help with your symptoms with minimal side effects. Hopefully the reduced dose will really help. If not, there are other options. It's horrible, I know, but hang on in there.


I think telling work about the meds would be a good thing to do, as it shows that you've taken their feedback on board and that you're working towards getting better. The SH? I'm not sure. If it were me, I probably wouldn't (unless there's an infection risk or something), but it is completely up to you and if you think it would help then go for it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on March 15, 2018, 05:36:12 PM
https://www.remploy.co.uk/about-us/current-programmes/workplace-mental-health-support-service



I wondered if something like this might be helpful for you? I've just referred myself to it to help me to talk to my employer about taking time off etc when I'm too unwell to function at work. My employer is great, as it sounds like your is, but the more tools you have to stay funtioning the better. Just a thought.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 15, 2018, 06:06:33 PM
That sounds really good. Thank you. I will tell work about my medication. I am unsure about the self harm though. It's personal and private. I don't want work to think I am struggling again. I am not I am just stressed that I am not doing good enough. My mood was ok I had just gotten back on track
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on March 15, 2018, 06:21:42 PM
I spoke to them for about 15 minutes over the phone today; that was what I had to do to self-refer. I should be allocated a worker within 7 days and then offered a face-facel apointment with them, to see how they can help. The lady on the phone said that they can help with all sorts of things, and be an advocate for you where work is concerned. I'll let you know how it goes with the support worker once I've had the appointment, if that'd be helpful?


Is there any reason that you would definitely have to tell work about the self hard. You're right that it's private, and for that reason you don't need to tell them. It might help to know where you're at though.


Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 15, 2018, 06:31:51 PM
I just want to be ok. It's like when I see the pysch. I keep hoping he will agree with me that I am ok but he keeps telling me I am depressed even when I feel I have done really good. It's frustrating. I want to be ok for work. I want to be ok for the cmht and I want to be ok to prove that I can be ok. I can mention it to my manager and see what she thinks about the service. I HATE my mental health interfering with my job.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 15, 2018, 10:31:51 PM
I ended up hurting myself again. It's nothing serious but I want to domore.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 16, 2018, 12:08:59 PM
I'm sorry you are feeling low again.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 16, 2018, 06:23:49 PM
Thank you. I do keep trying. Work have told me I have had a better day today. I took the reduced dose of the ap last night. So hopefully I can get things back on track again. There was something I did today that did annoy them but it's ok.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 17, 2018, 10:50:28 AM
I guess it takes time for the reduced dose to work though right? Nobody's perfect we all make mistakes its just how we learn from them that matter.  Do you want to tell us what went wrong? Or not up too you.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 17, 2018, 04:41:54 PM
They were feeding lambs when I got there and instead of going over to them I got ready and made a tea. It was before I was supposed to start working and I didn't realise they were feeding lambs I thought they were just checking the sheep so I got my boots and sat and had a cup of tea. Oops. I am thinking about more self harm tonight. I didn't do anything last night. I told my manager I was stressed this week over what she had said to me. I told her about the med change and how I hope my mood stays stable. I didn't tell her about the self harm. She told me I need to be honest and open with all the people trying to help me. Why do I have to be so special! Why does this keep happening to me?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 18, 2018, 06:07:08 AM
Well that seems like a silly reason to be upset with you, you hadn't started work so it shouldn't matter. It sounds to me like you are being very open and honest with them. Hopefully the med change will help you get back to work being am enjoyable experience rather than a stressful one.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 18, 2018, 05:30:15 PM
I struggled today. I found myself struggling to focus and think at work. I didn't tell anyone as I didn't want them to think I was an issue. The manager told me I should tell people when I feel spacey. I did tell somebody I was struggling to wake up. I even got an early night last night. I am taking the lower dose of lurasidone. I am trying my best and I still struggling. I may text my colleges to appologise if I wasn't good enough. Since my manager spoke to me I am more aware of things. I used to be able to do all these things ok. What happened to me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 19, 2018, 12:07:08 AM
Sometimes depression can make us feel spacey and unable to concentrate not just the drugs. How are you feeling generally outside of work? Maybe worrying about your performance makes it even harder to concentrate on what you are doing as well as you are busy worrying?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 19, 2018, 10:06:50 AM
It's still a struggle getting up but I am feeling more awake in the morning. I am worried about not being good enough and I could well be playing on my mind. I did text my work colleges in the end. One said I was fine the other said it was ok and asked if I was ok. I have also gotten into the habit of hurting myself now. I need to get back out of it. I haven't told anyone in real life. I am worried that reducing my meds so low will trigger another bipolar episode. The positive is that I managed a bath 2 nights in a row!
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 19, 2018, 03:07:23 PM
I feel alone with it all. I am not depressed just stressed I think. All I wanted was to be ok. I am struggling to be ok. Everytime I get close something happens or I am not as quite there as I thought I was. I been doing everything possible to feel better. I am busy a lot of the time. I am going to bed earlier. I take my medication as prescribed. Why can't life be more simple and easier. Every time I think I am ok somebody pops my bubble. It's been a long time since I have been ok for any period of time. I thought things were supposed to get better being under a pysch and a cpn but instead I think things have gotten worse.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 20, 2018, 10:32:01 AM
 I'm sorry you feel this way. Mental illness is the loneliest thing in the world i think. I understand how frustrating it is when you feel like you are doing everything right but you feel it isn't working. Glad you have found a small silver lining in all this though
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 20, 2018, 11:13:17 AM
MH can be a life long battle and it's so hard. You're doing really well though, you're still going work and that's hard to do when you feel like you do.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 20, 2018, 12:41:44 PM
I am still going to work. That is good. But it is tainted by the fact I am not doing good enough there. I was bad on Sunday again. Now I am freaking out that I wasn't good enough. I managed not to sh last night so that another silver lining. I think that the thought of getting blood on my clothes and bed sheets when they are so clean still is a deterrent for me. I don't want to go back to my PJs and bedsheets being blood stained again. I really don't want to lose my job. It's one of the normal mainstream things I do. I can pretend I am ok there and pretend I am normal. But the manager has regular reviews with me and wants to know what is going on with my mental health. I do try to keep my mental health separate from work it keeps being brought back into it. I am not sure what happened Sunday. I just couldn't focus on the job. I felt useless and pathetic. I felt like I couldn't do my job. I felt like I was letting the team down. I am trying my best to improve at work but when my mind decides it wants to wonder there is little I can do to bring it back! I hate the way I have very little control over it. I hate the way I struggle to connect with people. I hate the way I don't have the maturity to deal with an intimate relationship. I hate the way the meds take away my ability to think. I hate the way I feel very little emotions. I want to be sad, to be happy, to be angry. But most the time I feel nothing or just something very small. Mental health robs you of your life and takes over and dictates what you do.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 21, 2018, 05:09:45 PM
I feel a little low today and am anxious about going back to work. I want to skip my group tonight because I cannot be bothered but I know it will do me good.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on March 21, 2018, 06:36:38 PM
Work usually does you good as well, even in the cold. It helps being with others and can take you out of your own 'sphere'.

Unfortunately mental health issues can affect you whatever you're doing, and it's probably a good thing that your work people are keeping an eye on your progress, because they don't want to affect your well being. Pushing a person when they're struggling generally just makes matters worse, and they obviously are putting you first - which is commendable of them. You have to accept that sometimes you're going to have some ups and downs, they need to be aware of it because you probable are trying to hide it from those around you.

Meddies/therapies are improving along with the understanding of MH issues everyday - it'd be nice if they advanced a lot faster, but meanwhile you're getting along, and getting a little more experience of life, which equips you better to deal with it. Your post actually shows that you have plenty of evidence of maturity, many people aren't ready for intimate relationships until a bit later than others so if you don't feel ready now, waiting until you are seems the sensible plan.

Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 21, 2018, 08:50:38 PM
Thank you. Work does help me and stabilise me. I am just worried that I am not doing good enough at the moment. I try to keep my mental health out of my work, I take off as little time as possible but it does sneek into there whether I try to or not. I do try to be honest with work. But I am not forthcoming in providing that information but I tend to wait until I am asked. I try to be ok.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 22, 2018, 01:39:22 PM
If work are offering support it would be a good idea to let them help. Don't let MH probs escalate like I did. You're doing better than you think you are but the MH stuff can stop you from seeing that.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 22, 2018, 03:33:56 PM
I am trying to let hem help me. I am just worried I am giving hem material to use against me! I am worried I am not doing good enough. I tried to bake a cake today with my pa, I couldn't concentrate on the instructions to make sense of them and relied on the pa to tell me what to do! A part of me is tempted to quit work. It isn't fair that my poor performance is impacting on others there. I feel like I cannot do my job somedays. I am constantly worried I will be in trouble. I am struggling to stay focused. I am struggling to get myself back on track. I am better to what I was busy instill find some things difficult. It's just frustrating.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 23, 2018, 06:56:25 PM
I did ok at work today and feel better for it. I was supposed to have a bath last night but I was just too tired. I must have a bath tonight. I hope that work goes ok for me tomorrow.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 23, 2018, 07:38:13 PM
I think that if there were major problems at work they would let you know and address the problem. Even if that was the case there's no need to be angry with yourself because you are battling an illness, they are aware of this and the fact is you turn up even on you're worse days which is more than what many others do.
I'm glad work went better today, hopefully the next shift will go well too.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 23, 2018, 07:53:36 PM
Hopefully they will let me know. They have let me know recently that I wasn't good enough. Hopefully I will still do well tomorrow. It's just a lot to stay alert for. I am worried incase I find it hard again and have another bad day. I am supposed to be doing better. I feel bad for struggling so much on Sunday. We had news crew at work today and I was on the news but I cannot watch it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 23, 2018, 08:07:22 PM
I hate seeing myself on camera too so I think it's OK not to watch it if it makes you uncomfortable.
Re work I think that you can only do your best. Think about what it is that you find difficult and see if there's anything that you can do to help yourself. Staying alert is difficult, I know that my brain is prone to wandering. Is there anything that you can do to ground yourself? In the past I've found it helpful to take smaller breaks frequently rather than one long one, instead of one hour I used to take four fifteen minute breaks or two half hours. Could that help?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 23, 2018, 09:13:58 PM
I get 2 15 minutes breaks and a half hour break. I also go to the toilet in the afternoon which helps give me some time out. My sister suggested I take more loo breaks so I can have some time out to regain myself. I am trying my best at work and I hope I don't have more bad days. I want to be my best me.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 24, 2018, 05:59:59 PM
Work went ok today for me. I had comments that I didn't act surprised when I should have. I don't react to a lot of situations everyone else does. Just one more day to get through then I can say I have done a weekend ok and am getting there. I asked for a job list to be left so I have more direction tomorrow. I struggled with that last week. I ended up sh again last night. I like the pain, I like the fact it is there, I like punishing myself, I like the feel of it. It may take me a while to stop it again, but 18 months was a good run without it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 25, 2018, 10:19:31 AM
I think you are doing really well with work try not to be too hard on yourself i think the stability of work is important for all of us. Has taking some toilet breaks helped?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 25, 2018, 12:21:57 PM
So far today it isn't going too badly. I did try the extra toilet break last week and it went ok. Though this week I haven't needed to. I am tired but I lost an hour in bed due to clocks changing.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 25, 2018, 05:31:20 PM
Today went a lot better than I was expecting. I managed to keep my head today and didn't fade out. I am quite happy with how today went. I was dreading coming in today because last Sunday was so difficult.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 26, 2018, 04:16:47 AM
 I'm happy it went well for you today hopefully the lower dose of meds is heading an effect now. Keep up the good work and positivity :backflip:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 26, 2018, 10:20:09 AM
Thank you. It gave me a boost in my mood to do well. I was pleased with how I did. It makes a change to post something positive.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 26, 2018, 11:26:21 AM
Yay I'm glad out has boosted your mood and hopefully your confidence. Do you think the med reduction has helped? Hopefully it can only improve from here.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 26, 2018, 12:28:47 PM
I do think it has helped a little bit. I am more awake in the mornings even if It is still difficult to get up. I am more awake and with it at work. I just have to hope that the med reduction still helps to hold my mood. I just have to wait and see. So far today I have been fairly lazy and that had been nice. I need to go shopping, visit my dad and go to Monday club but there is no rush. I am not even dressed yet though I do have clothes laid out on my bed. I am looking at the sunshine through my windows. I really need to be out in it but I have no idea where to go. I don't have outdoor space so I cannot sit out in it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 27, 2018, 12:28:55 PM
Is there a park anywhere near you you could go sit with a book or a cup of tea? I like going to cafe's with outdoor seating and watching the world go by with a bit drink and maybe some cake  :cake: (don't tell Rob)
Or just a bit a walk in the sun can be nice.
Glad you are feeling more awake maybe you have to be proactive now about keeping your mood up.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 27, 2018, 01:07:28 PM
There is a park but no seating plus it is aimed more at kids. There are some rocks nearby I sometimes walk to. I could walk there and sit on the rocks. There is also a pub with outdoor seating nearby, I just feel daft being on my own. I suppose the best option would be to take a book up to the rocks and sit there for a while. I am so busy though so finding the time is hard. I need to.dig deep also and find the motivation to do it. I have gotten used to being couped up indoors over winter I have forgotten how to get out and get off my kitchen floor. I am so lazy. Motivation is one of the last things tomcome back after I been ill. I am so busy anyhow I struggle to find time to do anything. Whenever I do have time I waste it either in bed or doing silly things on my phone. I also spend a lot of time being tired. I am still not sleeping great I wake up a lot during the night, but even if I do get enough sleep I am still tired.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 27, 2018, 11:41:38 PM
I have started to spend again. I have also started to enjoy things. My sleep hasn't really changed too much apart from I am awake earlier in the morning but I am going back to bed. I am still struggling with motivation so hopefully I am not going high. I will have to keep an eye on myself.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 28, 2018, 10:31:00 PM
 I'm glad you are starting to feel better.  Did you manage to get out in the sun anywhere?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 28, 2018, 10:40:42 PM
No I didn't. I completely forgot about it tbh. Doh. I did look at the sunshine out the window and thought it looked nice. I may try to get up tomorrow and see if I can get out.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 29, 2018, 05:21:47 PM
It's hard to get outside at the moment because the weather is so crap. If you can't get outside then perhaps you could go somewhere indoors that's away from your flat. You could go to a coffee shop or a library and read, lot's of people do that on their own.
Regarding the tiredness, how is your diet now? I know that tiredness can be due to depression/meds but diet does have an impact, if I don't eat enough fruit and veg I get extremely tired.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 29, 2018, 05:53:03 PM
My diet is a little better now. I have started to cook more and eat less ready meals. I still eat sweets and chocolates etc but I am wanting to eat my meals also. I am trying to include more veg into my diet but I don't eat enough of it.

I didn't manage to get out this morning. I spent the entire morning in bed. Not necessarily sleeping for all of it but just chilling and doing nothing and avoiding the demands and stresses of he day. I did manage to go out with my pa this afternoon. We went to a pet shop and and an aquatic center inside a garden centre. We also had tea and cake which was nice. It was nice to get out of then even if I do find my pa a bit full on at times.

It is wet and rainy now. Not ideal weather is to go out in. I struggle going going out on my own. I can travel alone but I don't go out by myself, hence why I have a pa. Doing my grocery shopping is the only thing I do on my own outside of my flat everything else is either work, visiting family and friends or going to a group. I still haven't been back o kayaking. But it is looking unlikely I will go back now. I am just that busy during the week I get tired.

I will have to have a think about visiting a cafe on my own. I do like the hot chocolate from Costa. Mondays is my quieter day. But because I couldn't cope spending it alone I have arranged to meet my ex and we are going to a deer park together. If I don't plan something I will just no bother getting up even if I am wide awake at 7am! I am so lazy.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on March 29, 2018, 06:17:06 PM
Cooking more will definitely help, it's a good distraction too. Try having a side salad or veg every meal time, you can get microwave steam bags that don't need much effort. It's OK to eat sweets and chocolate sometimes  :). Perhaps not keeping too much in the house would help you eat less of it?
If you're not comfortable going out on your own that's OK, I find it hard too so I understand. As long as your getting out and about then that's fine. Perhaps you could enjoy a hot chocolate with your friend and if you look around you'll find there are lots of others who are on their own and you might feel better about trying it yourself. Don't push yourself too much though.
It's not the end of the world if your a bit lazy sometimes, I often don't actually get out of bed straight away either, it's just so warm and cozy! It's not as though you're spending all day every day in bed so it's OK to spend an extra hour or two in bed sometimes.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 30, 2018, 07:35:06 PM
I am out and about on a lot of days. That gets me up and out of bed and motivated. Without that structure I am in bed and won't get up. I do have a of sweets and treats and stuff in the flat. I will have to try and plan things for days when I have nothing on. I am trying to cook more now I am getting better. I still having ready meals though but I am trying to make progress. We were busy today at work Nd that was good.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on March 31, 2018, 11:09:02 AM
TBH i think most people wouldn't get out of bed much if they hadn't made any plans so don't beat yourself up and just keep doing as you are doing.
 I'm glad work is going better for you, like you've said before, it is an important form of normal to have.
 You can buy some healthy option ready meals with whole grains etc, and then like Vermillion said you can add a bag off microwave veg to it and voila you have a healthy meal. I have these birds eye steam fresh bags with veg and new potatoes, then all i have to add is some protein like chicken (which you can also get frozen you just throw in oven) and i have a full meal really easily.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on March 31, 2018, 05:51:23 PM
I do have those microwave veg packets and I have added them to ready meals before. But not very often.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 01, 2018, 06:26:00 PM
I am frustrated with myself today. It wasn't horrendous and it has been worse but I still struggled today. It took me ages to get to sleep last night and I kept waking up throughout the night again! Think I been tired today. Also think my anxiety been playing up too so I took a tablet (prescribed PRN but I hardly take it). I have felt a little slow today. I have struggled to maintain thoughts in my head. I have tried to be organised. I am frustrated that I am not as well or as good as I want to be. Why does my job have to be so difficult to do. Well it not that difficult I am just finding it hard and getting frustrated with myself. I found making any decision today really hard. I have been making small mistakes today also. Stupid really like going to fill up a water I had just finished filling up, leaving my water buckets in the barn when I was going to finish off the waters.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 01, 2018, 11:08:25 PM
I am still hurting myself. I don't know why I do it other than I like it. I still want to punish myself for not being good enough. I feel bad about it like I have no decent reason to do it. I do it even if I feel ok.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tigger on April 02, 2018, 11:44:39 AM
Whats a PRN if you don't mind me asking? Has the harming just become a habit? It is so addictive it can be hard to stop to stop sometimes. Can you come up with some reasons to stop harming and put them somewhere you will see when you want to harm.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 02, 2018, 05:14:21 PM
I think it has become a habit. I like to punish myself and I haven't done well enough at work recently so I am probably punishing myself for that. I like have the secret of a sore leg, itchy leg and nobody knowing about it. It's feels like I deserve it. Sometimes it doesn't feel sore enough. All I want to do is to do more. I like the blood, I need to think of a reason why I want to stop. I was doing really well before. I went through some really difficult times and still didn't self harm. It feels like my life is falling apart around me no matter what I do. I do a lot of things and socialise frequently but I still end up in aess. If it's not my mood playing up its work, or my meds. Anything. It just doesn't seem fair. I see my cpn on Wednesday. I hope that she is ok with me this time. I still don't fully trust her. She doesn't know about the sh as it's recent. I am not sure I am made for this life! I feel like I am a teenager at times.

PRN is meds that are prescribed for when needed rather than taken regularly. So I have propanol for when my anxiety is playing up.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 02, 2018, 05:36:04 PM
It does seem to become something of a habit if you let it - like all habits it can get harder to stop it the more entrenched it gets, so try and stop yourself reaching that point. Talk to your CPN about it, because it's not just the actions, it's the fact that you're still using SH as a coping mechanism for hiccups in your mood/work/ or whatever, instead of just chalking such things up to normal life - she should acknowledge the fact that you're still struggling and check that there's anything that can be done to help you along.
PRN comes from the latin 'pro re nata' - your description was perfect!
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 02, 2018, 06:03:35 PM
Thank you. I will try to talk to my cpn about it. I hope she is ok about it. She has been funny with me before. My mood on occasion has been ok. I am just struggling with work and staying focused enough. I wonder at times if I am well enough for work. A part of me wants to just quit. But I will keep trying at it and hope I continue to improve. Overall I am doing better there but instill punish myself for a bad day. If I am honest I want to sh right now. It's the fact I don't want blood stains on my clothes that stops me. I must try harder to stop. It's become a little bit of a routine. When I have a bath I sh. I am still punishing myself if I don't have a bath though. I need to have a bath without it. Then see how I go. I can do this if I put my heart to it. I have to want to do it though. I am getting something from sh. I like sh makes me feel more in control. I have to find somewhere else.to get that feeling from.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 02, 2018, 06:33:13 PM
I can understand your reasoning about the feeling of control that you get from SH, but.. I could also argue with you that not SHing (when it's what you want to do) means that you are exerting even greater control, because you are resisting those urges. That's the way I think about it.

Things go wrong for everyone at times - even for really public figures, but it's not a reason to punish yourself - the day has gone and tomorrow is another day which might could be a really good day, so there's no need to start it with reminders of previous days; start it with a positive smile instead  :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 03, 2018, 09:22:37 AM
Morning. I managed not to self harm yesterday. I see my cpn tomorrow. Got a busy day today so should be hopefully ok.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 04, 2018, 10:27:32 AM
No need to punish yourself, you're doing brilliantly despite the difficulties you have. I can't really say much more than Rob has but try and talk to your CPN, she might be able to help.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 04, 2018, 11:07:18 AM
I did see my cpn this morning and she was nice to me. I told her I had just about gotten my mood under control then all this stuff happened at work. She has offered to go into work with me for any meetings.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 04, 2018, 12:40:54 PM
That was supportive of her - I'm glad that you found her helpful  :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 04, 2018, 03:53:08 PM
I hope she stays this way once the student nurse has gone.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 05, 2018, 11:49:11 AM
Just had a phone call from my pysch. I ordered more meds but he didn't know I had reduced the lurasidone so he called me to query it. Now I feel guilty as it was done when he wasn't there.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 05, 2018, 04:47:34 PM
Good to hear that your CPN was nice again, perhaps she was having an off day when she was rude.

It sounds like an informal chat with work could be helpful. What adjustments would help?

I don't think that you need to feel guilty about the Lurasidone. You discussed it with your CPN (If I'm remembering right) and she should have informed him,  that's what CPNs are for. I think it's good that you have a psych who double checks things to be certain.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 05, 2018, 05:33:03 PM
I did check with the cpn at the time and she spoke with another of the pyschs there as mine was off. They agreed to halve my medication to see if it helps me at work. I guess I will have to talk to my regular pysch about it next week when I see him next. I told the cpn about the sh and she was ok with it. It's just frustrating that I went through some bad suicidal patches without sh and then my work says one bad thing about me and I start again after 18-24 months being clear of it. I have managed not to sh since Sunday. Though I do think I am at risk tonight as I am bored and lonely, don't know what to do with myself, having a bath tonight and got work tomorrow. I am still unsettled about work and worried I am no good enough. That is a trigger for me. I am tempted to go for a walk as it is nice and sunny but I don't have the energy or will for it. It does look nice out of my window though. What I want is company from a friend that isn't going to be hard work. However my friend doesn't want to see me and another friend lives 15 miles away and doesn't have parking at his. I did think about going back to kayaking today but I am a bit late now, plus I don't really know the people there and it's hard to go back after taking so long off. My cpn wants me to go back soon as the weather is picking up and it should be warm enough in a few weeks time. I feel stupid there as I am a slow paddler and lag behind the group. The other slow people stopped going.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 06, 2018, 07:08:17 PM
I did end up hurting myself last night. I have had a sore leg all day which has been distracting me. I have been a little distracted at work today. I done sort of alright but felt like my manager was on my case a lot. I just wasn't seeing the urgency of stuff. I also had a bad dream last night where people kept rejecting me and refused to be with me. I have been really sensitive to rejection today as a result and have felt like I been left out today.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 07, 2018, 04:50:12 PM
How has today been - has it been better than yesterday?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 07, 2018, 05:57:37 PM
Yes it has thank you. I have felt more included today and involved. I came up with some jobs of my own which was good. My leg hasn't been sore. I don't feel as much of a need to sh so that's good. I may manage a bath without the sh.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 07, 2018, 06:55:47 PM
Good to hear that today was better for you and that you don't need to SH. :). Do you have a routine at work? I'm very forgetful and I used to have a certain order to do tasks and I used to write a list of tasks to do. Is that possible where you work? Perhaps feed certain animals at set times. Or could you go to work a little earlier and write a list of jobs first thing? Routines/plans help me so it might be worth a go?

Don't feel stupid at kayaking, the only way you'd get better is by continuing. I do understand where you're coming from though, I'm crap at all sports. Is there something else you could do?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 07, 2018, 07:45:40 PM
I think about going back to kayaking but then when it comes round I don't go. I was improving at a steady rate when I went regularly before Christmas. After Christmas I got ill and just couldn't face it in the dark. I was sick of the dark. Now it is getting lighter I should really return. Because it has been months since I last been I am finding it hard to go back there.

I have a morning routine at work and a closing routine. Everything else changes on the day and it can be quite hard to think of jobs to keep people busy. I did end up self harming but I didn't do much. I did less than normal so it wasn't too bad. I just needed a reminder for myself tomorrow to stay good. I been talking to my friend and I told her she should have let me die in January. She doesn't see me so why did she want me to stick around? I am just feeling lonely and abandoned as nobody comes to visit me. Very few people bother to text me unless I text them first. I am just feeling sorry for myself for being such hard work and a not good enough friend.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 11, 2018, 03:07:15 PM
I am seeing the pysch tomorrow. I am a little anxious about this as a lot has happened since the last time I seen him 4 months ago. I m not sure what to say. Guess I have to explain why my meds are reduced. I have started self harming again but I am not always sure why. I don't feel anything emotionally still and this worries me. I want to feel things. We had 2 animals put to sleep at the weekend and I had zero emotional response even though I cared for the animals. The only thing I have really been feeling is stress over work. I struggle to think of myself as not good enough.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 11, 2018, 08:35:09 PM
 :smilie_help:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 11, 2018, 08:47:44 PM
Why not a write a little checklist of the main points in your last post?
You're worried about:

Perhaps there's other things that you'd like some help with that you could add?  :hug2:


Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 11, 2018, 08:52:05 PM
Thank you.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 12, 2018, 09:35:26 AM
 :hug1:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 12, 2018, 10:56:26 AM
I am nervous. Well I don't really feel the anxiety nervous side of things but I am obsessing over this appointment which suggests I am nervous.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 12, 2018, 03:05:57 PM
I spoke to the pysch. He seemed ok. He didn't say I was depressed but suggested I work on emotions with the cpn due to the sh. He didn't say much about my lack of emotions. He is leaving my meds as they are as they have been recently changed and he doesn't want to risk me going high which it looked like I could be going that way the other week. But it was just a few good days.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 12, 2018, 04:58:26 PM
It's sometimes difficult to get things just right, and they do take a while to stabilise after changes. When do you see your psych next?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 12, 2018, 05:48:11 PM
June I think. This appointment was put back a month so it a shorter time until the next appointment. I wouldn't mind going high but they are quite concerned and want to prevent that.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 12, 2018, 08:59:40 PM
I felt a lot better after seeing the pysch though.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 13, 2018, 12:49:36 PM
That's good.  :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 13, 2018, 06:26:00 PM
Thank you. I was starting to get worried yesterday as after the appointment my thoughts started to go fast and I had endless interesting chatter in my head I wanted to share with people. Today I have been a little quieter. They are worried I may go high though and I am on the lookout for it. Although I do enjoy being high. Mostly. My memories are skewed. I did struggle a bit at work and did some stupid stuff and couldn't slow down or settle. Maybe going high isn't a good thing.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: terrified heart on April 13, 2018, 11:14:38 PM
Hey Tucan

I have schizoaffective disorder, so not quite the same as bipolar but similar in the extremes of mood. I know the times Iíve been manic always start of great. I love the energy and enthusiasm and I feel like the most amazing person ever. I also feel like everyone else must love me being this way because Iím (in my mind) loads of fun. However I donít stay that way, and eventually I get so high I end up not recognising my own thoughts which makes me feel frightened, I get paranoid and irrational. I actually get less stuff done because I canít stick to one thing long enough to finish anything. I also get really impulsive, which together with being irrational is a really dangerous thing. I know that 2 years ago I took a massive amount of pills which I was convinced was going to help me communicate with a god of some sort and make me be able to fly. It sounds ridiculous now but I was so convinced it was fact. I just ended up very unwell of course. Plus other people have told me they donít find me fun when Iím high, they actually find me exhausting, confusing and they worry a lot about what I could do.

I donít know if you are like that when you are high, so sorry for bleating on if itís all irrelevant. I understand that desire to let yourself get high, because initially I find it really exciting, so it can be tempting to let it happen. It helps me to remind myself of all the negatives, like the ones I put above. Life when youíre stable can feel really mundane and boring, but even that has got to be better than the rubbish that comes with that initial high? Thatís what I find anyway, and what I always have to remind myself.

 :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 14, 2018, 09:40:18 AM
+1

Hey Tucan

I know that 2 years ago I took a massive amount of pills which I was convinced was going to help me communicate with a god of some sort and make me be able to fly. 

I remember that period - it was extremely worrying.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 14, 2018, 05:41:32 PM
I know I was contemplating an od whilst high once in an attempt to slow down but I didn't go through with it. I annoyed everyone at work with being hyper. It was just nice to feel great once in a while. I did scare myself once when high because I was going that fast I couldn't work out the order in which o put my clothes on and kept getting it wrong. I guess being high isn't all that good but it does feel nice to feel good for once though.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 16, 2018, 09:57:55 PM
I have started to drink more alcohol. I am not sure what it means.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on April 16, 2018, 11:13:11 PM
Are you still drinking now? Do you think you could go to bed and get some rest?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 17, 2018, 12:39:14 AM
I just lay on the sofa for a bit. I am going to bed now. I am still waking up during the night.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on April 17, 2018, 06:34:03 AM
I hope you got some sleep.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 17, 2018, 09:25:55 AM
I did get some sleep. Woke up a few times but that's normal for me since I got ill in January.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 17, 2018, 10:01:47 AM
Sometimes we use alcohol to deal with difficult things, it's quite common. Some people, like me, use it to self destruct. If you do it too often though you could get unwell again so try to keep it under control. It can also interfere with meds as well. How are the racing thoughts? Any better?
 
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 17, 2018, 10:45:19 AM
Best to keep alcohol to a minimum - it's easy to let it creep up and as others have said, will cause problems.  :hug1:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 17, 2018, 12:19:56 PM
I will try. I have had a drink for the past 3 nights which for me is unusual. I have drunk excessive amounts, I have kept in the recommended daily limit. I normally only drink once or twice a month. I do need to be careful.

My thoughts have calmed down again now. I think it was just me being relieved after seeing the pysch. I will continue to monitor what goes on in my head.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 18, 2018, 11:27:11 AM
I'm like that after appts sometimes, emotions can be quite mixed and there's a lot to process. As long as it doesn't happen too often maybe you'll be OK.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 18, 2018, 11:42:22 AM
I have just had a conselling assessment and now I feel great  :yahoo:. I feel sociable and have some energy.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 18, 2018, 12:00:32 PM
 :yahoo:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 18, 2018, 04:10:15 PM
Have calmed down to what I was. Lol. I did go a bit fast though not too fast earlier. Still got loads to do today.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 18, 2018, 09:34:59 PM
I'm glad that counselling had such a positive outcome!
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 18, 2018, 09:53:40 PM
Lol. I had a bath tonight and managed to not sh!
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 18, 2018, 10:10:12 PM
 :emot-thumbsup11:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Terri on April 19, 2018, 12:00:25 AM
Well done. :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 19, 2018, 08:13:04 AM
 :backflip:

Awesome to hear. How are things today, so far?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 19, 2018, 08:36:06 AM
I am still not sleeping well and keep waking during the night. Did not want to get up this morning. Kept pressing snooze on my alarm. My mood hasn't had time to set in yet so not sure what I am feeling yet.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 19, 2018, 08:44:22 AM
I think I can relate to that. Takes me a while to figure what's happening when waking up. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes with me, but other times it can take hours. Hoping that today, a level and workable mood comes your way.

Sorry to hear that you're still having difficulties with disturbed sleep. Are you taking any treatments for that? Or, just going with the flow?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 19, 2018, 08:49:32 AM
I am going with the flow. Some nights are worse than others. I am not really tired at night so it is taking a while to get to sleep. I do have sleeping pills in the flat and I have been tempted to take them.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 19, 2018, 10:00:50 AM
When you get the worse nights, try to use a sleeping tablet for that. Try not to rely on them though. By the sounds of it, you don't use them even when it may help, in some ways that's good, but do try them if your sleep starts affecting your day.

Hope you have a good one today. Enjoy the sun.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 19, 2018, 11:47:57 AM
I am calmer today but it is something to keep an eye on. I don't want to waste my sleeping tablets as they can be hard to get hold off. Also it was part of my suicide plan back in January so I am not sure I want to part with them. Even if I am feeling better now. Just in case. I did take them one night and I did wake up less often.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 20, 2018, 08:34:17 AM
I'm sorry. That is something I didn't consider while writing the reply.

I do relate to parting with certain items. Like you said the "just in case" thing.

I hope sleep found you better last night?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 20, 2018, 10:39:38 AM
No not really. I was awake half the night again. But I am coping ok with it. I am not too tired. A bit dozy in places. I have another meeting with work. Not sure if it means I doing better, still rubbish or because I haven't had one for a while. I getting nervous about it.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 20, 2018, 10:52:27 AM
I hope itís not going to be as bad as you think.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 20, 2018, 05:56:07 PM
It went ok thank you. We spoke quite a bit. It been a while since the last time I had a review so there was a bit to talk about. I asked work if they could help monitor my mood at the moment. I have had the odd day where my mood has been threatening to go high. I nearly bought a hamster and expensive cage yesterday without regard to the cost.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: sniper on April 21, 2018, 09:07:03 AM
I'm glad it went ok.

That is good that you have communicated that you need a little help identifying the high moods.
The hamster and cage.........I did something similar when buying my first bird. I don't have the same high's that people get and spending cash, but I can imagine that it is quite hard to rationalise what's happening when it's happening. Does that make sense? I had no idea at the time what I was doing. I guess, it was a one off High for me.

I hope your day finds you, well.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 21, 2018, 10:30:50 AM
Thank you. It's just something to keep an eye on.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 22, 2018, 05:17:55 PM
Been starting to get a bit fast again this afternoon. I was thinking about buying a hamster. I wasn't sure if I was nervous or excited. It was hard to concentrate on what I was doing.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 22, 2018, 08:10:34 PM
I get that way when I'm anxious sometimes, I feel like I have a million things that I need/want to do and my thoughts go so fast I can't understand them. Is this a possibility? Things haven't been easy for you lately. What does your CPN think?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 22, 2018, 08:28:00 PM
I did take a propranolol incase it was anxiety. I am slower again now. I have taken a bath and done some reading. I am thinking of going over to the shop tomorrow to see if they still have the hamster in. The cpn was happy with my progress and was ok that me looking like I was going high only lasted a couple of days. However I have been getting other days like it too and am over cautious that I could be going high. I have been spending more. Nothing major yet. I have been enjoying things more. I have had the odd morning where I have felt great and been really sociable and talked more than normal and thought I was witty and clever. But overall my mood has been stable. There is just the odd day where it looks like it could go high that concerns me. So far I am ok and it's nothing to worry about, just something to keep an eye on. I didn't sleep well again last night and it didn't help that my mother rang me at 12:30 as she had lost her keys and was locked out of her house! I had to drive over in my PJs and let her in. Then I woke up a couple of times in the night. Again. Even though I am doing well at stopping self harming, I haven't done so for around a week my old sh keeps itching reminding me I could do more. I don't need to sh I just want to. I am also drinking more alcohol. Some of it is impulsive, like today I wanted to drink earlier because everything was going fast and I wanted to sleep for once. Other times it's because I drank the night before and therefore I want to drink again. Sometimes I have a stressful time and just want a drink.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 22, 2018, 08:30:08 PM
Also I am not as hungry and haven't been eating all my food.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 23, 2018, 09:59:20 AM
Hopefully it's nothing to worry about then. Somedays we feel good and that's not always a sign that something is amiss. Perhaps you're simply feeling better :)!
Alcohol is a common coping mechanism and often becomes a habit. Could you try and keep it to a minimum or maybe drink low alcohol versions? I drink alcohol free lager sometimes and it's still relaxing even though there's no alcohol in it.
It's annoying when people do things like that, especially when you struggle to sleep and then get woken up when you finally do get to sleep!
It's good that you haven't SHd. It can be a habit for some people and difficult to stop. Why do you think that you want to? Do you think that it's just the habit or is there something else?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 23, 2018, 11:43:51 AM
I am calmer again today and not thinking as much about that hamster.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 23, 2018, 12:32:31 PM
I could be over cautious. Maybe it is just a sign of me getting better. I have been spending more though and been a little more impulsive than normal. I also been sleeping less than normal but my sleep has been off for a while.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 23, 2018, 05:19:51 PM
I guess you have to consider the level of control you have, if you feel as though you can't control it then maybe you could contact your CPN and get an earlier appt or even just a phonecalls. Maybe it's simply that you were depressed for so long that you've forgotten what it's like to feel good and you're excited that it's finally happening again. It's kinda like that happy, hyper feeling that you might get the first day that you get over the flu; it's a mixture of feeling happy because you're on the mend, hyper because you can get back to 'normal' again and relief that the symptoms are gone. Hopefully that's the case for you. Just try not to mess up anymore meds! :)
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 23, 2018, 05:53:03 PM
Lol I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am feeling a lot better as they did sedated me a lot. I couldn't think or feel on them. I am thinking about getting a guinea pig now. They had sold the hamster I liked. I been to various pet shops today but they only had male guineas and my group is female. I am now planning on buying a male, getting him neutered then introducing him to my girls. If I get too impulsive I will probably end up breeding so I need to be careful. I guess it could be feeling good for the first time in ages. It a shock to the system. It's not everyday. It is weird. I feel on the edge of an abyss.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 24, 2018, 11:29:43 PM
My friend thinks I am starting to go high. I am being impulsive. Being more animated and starting to talk faster than normal.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2018, 10:49:01 AM
I've suspected that you are going that way a bit too. When do you see your CPN next?
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Vermilion on April 25, 2018, 11:43:01 AM
If you are going high you really need to nip it in the bud.  :hug2:
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 25, 2018, 11:53:30 AM
I do need to nip it but it feels good to feel good for a change. I see my cpn next week. I don't want my meds altering again. I only just settled down again at work.
Title: Re: Messed up meds 2
Post by: Tucan on April 25, 2018, 01:24:29 PM
 :lock11: I have started a new thread now that more matches my current situation.