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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: unknown_member on May 14, 2012, 04:54:25 PM

Title: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 14, 2012, 04:54:25 PM
I've kinda just realised today that i have been stock piling my medication for a while now... i emptied my draw where i keep all my medication and didn't realise quite how much i've managed to build up... i have enough to kill myself several times over...

I don't think i'm in danger of OD'ing any time soon really, though i can be really impulsive on occasions.. but i have maddy and maisie to look after, maddy could look after herself if people didn't find me for a few days, but maisie can't and i can't just leave her on her own...

why don't i want to hand them in then? am i just being weird? i don't understand why i can't just hand them in... i can't even tell anyone as they will stop prescribing them and i'll never get the opportunity to build them back up again...

sorry or the ramble just left me feeling vulnerable..
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on May 14, 2012, 04:57:56 PM
are you keeping them as an emotional crutch hun? xx  :hug1: :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 14, 2012, 05:02:52 PM
Don't be sorry hun,you need to let it out,what better place than here?

Not wierd not at all,totally get where your coming from,have silmar issues surrounding pills and tools myself,i'd say hand them over or just throw them away,could you maybe do that?

Try to stay safe hun masie and maddy need you,and i'm sure there's many others as well.

Take care and keep talking if it's helping  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 14, 2012, 05:10:33 PM
thanx yeh it's helped just saying it ... thanx for not thinking i'm weird!

yeh FL i guess they are an emotional crutch... hadn't thought of it like that xx

i'm not seeing my CPN for 3 weeks now... so have no-one to hand them in to until then... I'm sure if i phoned her she would say just give them to the chemist or hand them in at the CMHT reception or something, but i dont' think i can bring myself to do it!! i think i would really regret it afterwards...

i don't know... thanx for listening! xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on May 14, 2012, 05:15:49 PM
how about a friend hun? xx  :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 14, 2012, 07:24:40 PM
Think FL has a good idea, why not give them to a friend. You don't need all the meds so no good will come from having them.

Maybe trying getting rid of a few at a time so they don't all go at once? You might find that easier.

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 14, 2012, 07:29:20 PM
i don't really talk to any of my friends about any of this stuff soi wouldn't want to worry them...

the only friend i do talk to about it has mh stuff going on herself so definitely wouldn't be giving her extra medication...

i don't know, i might try and get rid of some of them myself, there's a few that i would feel OK getting rid of... i could start with them... xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: katj on May 14, 2012, 07:32:20 PM
I couldnt hand mine over to my cpn all at once so i just took a few every time i saw her - just as many as i thought i could cope without. I was really scared she would say i wasnt safe or something but she saw it as a positive that i could admit i was struggling and ask for help and didnt make me give her more than i could manage.
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 14, 2012, 09:16:57 PM
thanx katj... i will try and speak to her when i see her in three weeks time, the only problem is i think this CBT/DBT women is coming with her so might not get to chat about much really... she seems nice enough tho so will try and talk with her there!...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on May 14, 2012, 09:22:58 PM
 :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Spanna on May 14, 2012, 10:47:31 PM
It's good to hear that you've realised how many tablets you've managed to build up and that you're considering handing them in to you CPN, that shows great strength to me.

Could you ask your CPN if you could have some time alone with her if the CBT lady comes with her? I'm sure she'll be ok with that.

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 16, 2012, 07:32:57 PM
well it looks like the dilemma is over... I took a big OD last night, have only just gothome from hospital, to find they have taken ALL my medication.... everything, i have nothing left at all not even the AD's too late to phone GP tonight now i'll just have  to  sort it out tomorrow  :(
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 16, 2012, 08:01:13 PM
Don't really know what to say but really glad you are home and safe.

Take care and look after yourself.  :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 16, 2012, 08:34:26 PM
Really sorry you od'd hunni,but glad your home and safe,hope you manage to get hold of your gp soon take care sweetie,sending much love and hugs xxxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: PrettyLittleLie on May 16, 2012, 09:15:34 PM
sorry to hear you oded hugs. hope things feel a bit better and safer for you now. hugs
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on May 16, 2012, 09:52:48 PM
 :hug1: :hug1: :hug1: :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 12:24:53 PM
mum has been looking after me... she now knows that i smoke!! found them in my bag! .... feeling OK today, just want things to get back to normal, hoping my CPN didn't find out about it... we managed to track down the tablets to the high dependancy ward i was on and they gave me some of them back, just the ones i need tho... xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 01:54:51 PM
only an hour later and i feel terrible... i can't cope with everything, mum is tidying up and then going home... don't want to be alone again tonight  :no: don 't trust myself!! why am i such a failure....
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 17, 2012, 01:57:29 PM
Not a failure hun,just struggling,sending you so much love and hugs hun xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: greenday on May 17, 2012, 02:05:13 PM
ya im the same and i think trying to save then r not realy a good idia but im not that kind of gye to tell u that sorry
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 17, 2012, 02:12:30 PM
Hi Hun, can you spend some time at your mum's until you feel a bit stronger?

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 02:18:11 PM
hi, i can't really my sister and her husband and two sons are living there at the moment as they're waiting for their house to be built so theres no room,. but i couldn't anyway because of my pets... maddy could be left for a day but maisie can't be left at all really...

if i can get through the night i'm sure i'll be fine, i feel all out of place and strange today, like it's not my house and i don't know what i'm doing here... i just keep thinking i should've taken more while i had the chance... now i've got none left... well very few...  ??????!?
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 17, 2012, 02:47:11 PM
Come on now Hun, certainly shouldn't be thinking like that. Need to stop those thoughts right away.

You'll get through this Hun just need to take things a step at a time, do you have a plan to help keep you occupied tonight?  :hug1: :hug2:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 17, 2012, 06:55:27 PM
How you doing now sweetie?  :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 07:01:31 PM
mum has just left  :'( still feeling very strange...

 my CPN rang me earlier and she was like "where were you at 12:15" i said here why? and she said apparantly the MH nurse at A&E arranged for me to see my CPN today at 12:15 and i have absolutely no recollection of it!!

 i don't remember the whole thing, being picked up or what i said/did while i was there.... my body is aching all over so i'm guessing i fought with them... i'm just shocked i didnt' get sectioned... the whole thing has creeped me out and left me feeling very vulnerable...

dad is coming over tomorrow... don't really want him to i think i just want to be left alone now... my CPN is phoning me tomorrow again... scared she's going to get the crisis team involved...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 17, 2012, 07:19:56 PM
Can you do something kind for yourself tonight,a hot bath/shower to ease those aches,just take it slowly you will get there in the end,how are masie and maddy tonight,could you give them some loving,take care  :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 07:24:51 PM
thanx i might have a shower later... do my nails or something like that....

maddy is outside playing and maisie is sleeping finally, she has been hyperactive all day!! even tho i took her on a long walk with mum!...

i just want a chance to talk to my CPN properly .. but will have to wait until tomorrow now and when she phones i will probably forget everything i was going to say!

I need help I know that.. but i don't want to increase my medication again... i'm stuck really..!

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: jackgrillo on May 17, 2012, 07:33:29 PM
You could try writing down the stuff you want to say? Even just notes that help you remember what it is you want to say might work?
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 17, 2012, 07:46:33 PM
 :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 07:55:00 PM
thank you Jack, i might try that actually... otherwise i'll kick myself afterwards thinking of everything i should've said!...

i really hope she remembers to phone me, she's so busy all the time i can imagine her forgetting...

just wish it was bedtime right now, tho can't see me sleeping much tonight!

another hour and a half...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 17, 2012, 09:24:07 PM
i've just messaged my neighbour saying i'm sorry for the disturbance, i'm pretty sure the police were called because i'm aching so much i think i must have been restrained... and the house has been turned upside down... i'm nervous of her reply, she is lovely but i hope it didn't wake her!!

i also e-mailed my best friend, she tries her best to understand but gets frustrated with me....so nervous of them replying...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 17, 2012, 09:59:34 PM
Hope you get replies back soon hun,i'm sure both will understand,really hope you get some rest tonight,good luck with your cpn tomorrow,i totally agree with what jack said writing notes so you can say all you need to say,take care  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 18, 2012, 01:04:02 PM
well i spoke to my CPN she wanted me to take oral risperidone until my next injection, which i said no to... then she said about increasing the depot again which i also refused...so it was a bit of a waste of time... she then asked to speak to my dad, don't really know what she said to him.. . think she was asking what the plans are for over the weekend, if i will be alone etc....

she said she will check back in on monday... there's no point tho, i'm a complete hopeless case... it's just a waste of everyones time...

feeling really sad and low now...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 18, 2012, 03:01:29 PM
Hi Hun, don't really know what to say except you aren't a hopeless case or a waste of anyones time. You are a good person who is having a really hard time at the moment.  :hug2: :hug1:

 :doggy:

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: greenday on May 18, 2012, 03:17:14 PM
hay dont be sad be safe ok happy thoughts dont for get. :1059: greenday
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: PrettyLittleLie on May 18, 2012, 04:44:27 PM
Hugs... you aren't a hopeless case or a waste of time.... there are so many things that can help out there, you just have to find the right one for you..... things will get better (I know they are just words and hard to believe, but maybe the more you hear them, the more you will come to believe them).... stay strong, I am sending many hugs your way....
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 18, 2012, 05:30:54 PM
thanx for all your replies  :blushing:

i guess i'll have to see what the weekend brings and go from there... it's my birthday on Sunday and we are having a big family get together... i'm dreading it to be honest, but i have to be all smiley and normal ... it's going to take alot of effort... i hope i don't ruin it and upset mum...

i think dad is going to stay the night tonight... so i'll be safe tonight anyway...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 18, 2012, 05:53:44 PM
Yeah i think you will just have to take things slowly,go with the flow so to speak,how do you feel about your dad staying the night? Wish you all the very best hunni,keep fighting you'll get there in the end take care  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: greenday on May 18, 2012, 05:56:42 PM
be safe im here to talk ok be happy  :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 19, 2012, 06:38:29 PM
dad didn't stay in the end ... and i managed to stay safe...

I'm drinking now tho  ::-\: not a good sign... i'm dreading tomorrow, really don't want to go...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 19, 2012, 08:40:12 PM
Glad you stayed safe last night, how are you tonight?  Understand why you aren't looking forward to tomorrow but might help getting out and being with people. :hug1:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 19, 2012, 08:46:21 PM
I'm not sure how I feel tonight... just looking forward to bed time really.. i'm safe when i'm asleep. it's just getting to sleep that's the problem at the moment...

I have enough meds already to OD on... i can't help but save them up.. i don't know what's wrong with me?!

I still don't think i've got over what happened this week, it's bothering me that i can't remember but i don't want to ask my CPN exactly what happened because i'm afraid of the answer...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 19, 2012, 08:59:50 PM
Is there anyone who can look after your meds for you until you are feeling a bit stronger? Do you have any prescribed meds to help you sleep?

Understandable that you wouldn't be over what happened just yet. Whether you speak to cpn about it or not I suppose depends on how much it's bothering you that you can't remember; don't think theres a right answer to that.

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 19, 2012, 09:10:25 PM
i guess my parents could look after them, but i quite like having them just in case... if that makes sense?!

yeh i have prescribed sleeping tablets, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't...

yeh your right... i suppose it just depends on if i can take the answer or not... i think i can kinda guess what happened but i'm not sure ...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 19, 2012, 09:34:18 PM
Yeah, I think I understand but just now for perhaps best if your parents did help you with the meds?

Hope you do manage to sleep well tonight and tomorrow goes well.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow.  :1059:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 19, 2012, 09:44:27 PM
Happy birthday for tomorrow hunni,hope you get some decent rest tonight

Sending loads of hugs your way  :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 20, 2012, 09:05:37 AM
thank you so much for the hugs and birthday messages ... it means alot xxxx

i got quite alot of sleep last night, definitely an improvement...

hopefully today will go OK ... xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: greenday on May 20, 2012, 09:51:38 AM
dont worry try to think of good thoughts  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 20, 2012, 05:03:16 PM
Hope today is going well hunni,thinking of you  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 21, 2012, 04:38:33 PM
my birthday was hectic but OK... i got through it anyway, I'm really lucky to have such lovely family and friends who made it special for me ...

I've really stupidly agreed to go back to my old work tomorrow; just to visit... i haven't been there since i went off ill and i had the police after me 2 years ago... i left amicably tho in the end... it's a massive office of about 2000 people, and because i was FM i knew quite alot of them!  I've put on alot of weight since i've been off and i'm ashamed about that, everyone is going to notice... I'm taking maisie and me and one of my ex colleagues are going to go for a walk in the local park... but I have to go in the  building to get a pass to come back in the grounds... and no doubt i will get dragged around the office to see everyone...

there's a reason i've been avoiding it, i'm ashamed of the person i have become, i don't want to see everyone again.. also my ex housemate (who kicked me out when i was still in hospital) works there and i really don't want to see her, she will probably say something nasty and i'm worried everyone is on her side and hates me...

uurrgghhh i don't know why i agreed to it.. the person i'm meeting for a walk is lovely tho and i really want to see her...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 22, 2012, 04:49:35 PM
well i didn't go into work in the end, I OD'd last night and have only just got back from hospital...

i'm such a mess...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 22, 2012, 04:58:56 PM
Oh hunni,I'm truly sorry to hear that,silly question but how are you feeling now? Xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 22, 2012, 05:04:33 PM
So long as you are safe now thats the main thing.

 :hug1: :hug2: :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 22, 2012, 05:06:45 PM
i'm feeling very sad.. . and can't see the point in carrying on... i let my friends down and my parents had to come and look after maddy and maisie for me...

i just can't see the point in living anymore, i'm such a waste of space.. my parents phoned my CPN this morning but she's not going to do anything? so i'm stuck to feel like poo...

i'm so so so tired as well but have been sleeping all day, trying to stay awake until bedtime now...

 
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Nightowl on May 22, 2012, 05:28:12 PM
When are you next seeing your CPN?

Do you have any ideas about what may help?  I know you don't want to take an increased dose of meds, do you still feel you don't want crisis team involvement?

How are Maisie and Maddy? 

Have your parents gone back home?

Thinking of you  :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 22, 2012, 08:13:30 PM
i'm supposed to be seeing my CPN on thursday for the next depot, they have increased it again  ??????!? i'm really not happy about it and may phone tomorrow to cancel....

they haven 't offered the crisis team yet, i was trying to go a year without seeing them anyway... but i guess if it was offered i would take it at the moment...

maisie and maddy are fine thank you xxx

mum and dad are still here, think they might be staying the night... xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 22, 2012, 08:18:51 PM
Try not cancel hunni you know you need to have the depot,not nice but needed.
Glad that your mum and dad are with you.
Take care thinking of you  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 22, 2012, 10:19:11 PM
thanx, i'm just really struggling with conflicting advice at the moment and don't know who to trust.. i've known my CPN a long time tho so i know i should trust her...

yeh i'm glad mum and dad are here too actually, feel bad they couldn't go to work today tho... and probably won't tomorrow.. i'm such a burden!

xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: jackgrillo on May 22, 2012, 10:26:12 PM
But they're your parents, and in their position, it doesn't matter missing a couple of days of work. That's what parents are like.

It's good that they're staying with you overnight, and that they will be there to support you tomorrow (I'm guessing they'll stick around if they're not going to work?). It's always good to have someone else there!
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 23, 2012, 07:59:22 PM
parents have been with me all day but have now gone home... so i'm on my own tonight... feels quite scary...

seeing my CPN tomorrow, she wants to give me an increased amount of depot, i've said yes but now i really don't know what to do... i don't want it  :no: i don't know what would happen if i refused it tho, i don't think she could do anything, just worried about her getting other people involved...

she wanted to meet my parents too tomorrow, i said no... i don't want them conspiring against me ...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: greenday on May 24, 2012, 08:41:43 AM
hay try to not panic your doing realy well  :1059:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 24, 2012, 08:47:52 AM
thanx greenday....

really nervous today, going to ring her soon to say don't come... everything is such a mess...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 24, 2012, 08:59:11 AM
Hi Hun, soory everything so hard at the moment. Don't think it would be agood idea to cancel cpn today. Sounds like you could do with her help and support. I think you said in the past that you trust her, so why not meet and she how she can help?  :hug1: :hug1:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 24, 2012, 01:40:01 PM
How did appt go hunni,are you ok?  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 24, 2012, 03:42:44 PM
i rang her and tried to cancel and she didn't have any of it... said she's coming anyway...

i told her i didn't want the injection and she did it anyway... i wasn't strong enough i should never have let her near me... or through the door for that matter... i will be stronger next time...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 29, 2012, 10:36:49 AM
Hi Hunni, how are you doing? Ok I hope.  :hug1:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 29, 2012, 10:43:05 AM
thanx terrier... i'm OK i guess... plodding on... haven't OD for a week now so that's progress i suppose...

seeing my CPN again today, dreading it, don't know what to say to her, after last week i hate her, don't want to see her...

also the psychologist rang this morning she'd heard that things were bad, she was worried that what came up at the assessment i had with her had triggered stuff for me.. i don't think it did, i think it was just the medication reduction that started everything, but she wants to see me Friday anyway to talk things through... dreading that as well !

xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on May 29, 2012, 10:54:01 AM
Hope it goes well with cpn. I know last week was very hard but I think you used to get on well and trust her so perhaps you can both start to rebuild a good relationship again? I'm sure she only did what she thought was best for you but can fully understand that it will take time to get back to where you were.

Nothing wrong with plodding on, as long as you are plodding in the right direction.

Take care, how have Maddy and Maisie been in the heat?

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 29, 2012, 11:33:45 AM
thanx yeh, i suppose she only did what was best... it's just hard to see that sometimes...

i'm not sure what direction i'm heading at the moment!  maybe things will be clearer after speaking to my CPN today....

yeh they've been OK.. maddy has mostly been sitting under cars during the day and maisie has been sleeping alot more than usual, but she's had a few cold baths to wake her up lol!!

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 29, 2012, 04:43:03 PM
well the appointment went OK... i was quite bubbly and chatty i think, she was showing me how to train maisie... and things were very relaxed... i think i've got over last week now...

my charger for my laptop has broken tho, so soon i won't be able to use my laptop, just ordered a new one from ebay, but it could take days to get here... hate being without my PC... i think it's coz maisie has chewed through the cable...

my CPN wants to see me again in a week rather than leave it 2 weeks, so i only have to stay safe for a week...

xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 31, 2012, 12:34:38 PM
i'm back! cable got delivered this morning!

just had the letter from the psychology appointment back... it's awful, she has detailed literally EVERYTHING i said  ::-\: feeling very vulnerable... don't want to see that... i'm seeing her again tomorrow, really don't want to now...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on May 31, 2012, 01:18:06 PM
Good to see you back hunni.

They do that send out letters saying what is what,it is hard to see it in black and white.

Try to go tomorrow,tell her/him how it felt to see what was written

Take care hugs xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on May 31, 2012, 02:52:38 PM
thanx hun xxx

yeh it's really hard... it was three pages long... don't know what to do with it now, tempted to b**n it... i will try and tell her how i felt about it... otherwise i won't be able to say anything tomorrow as i don't want it written down...

xx

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on June 01, 2012, 05:19:13 PM
Hi Hun, was your appointment ok tooday?

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 01, 2012, 07:05:20 PM
yeh it was OK actually... i talked about not liking the letter and kind of how it affected me seeing it all written down like that... she apologised if she was too specific but said she thought it was important that i could see for myself everything i've been through and why i'm like i am today maybe because of it... it made sense i think..

apart from that we talked alot about the voice i get, she gave me a useful list of facts which i stupidly left behind ... 

i'm not seeing her now until september... but i see my CPN next thursday so it's OK xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on June 02, 2012, 06:26:56 PM
Hi hun how are you today? :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 02, 2012, 06:30:20 PM
i'm really struggling to get motivated ... i have only just managed to have a shower wash my hair, tidy the kitchen and take maisie out...

on the plus side i haven't had a drink for ages now... but it's not making me feel better... worse if anything... i'm not sleeping as well and i'm waking up groggy...  :(

still struggling with OD urges, but have resisted so far...

thanx for asking xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Broken Wings on June 02, 2012, 06:52:05 PM
Well done for doing that hun even though you didn't feel like it you did it xxx

Sorry your still struggling with the OD thoughts hun...

Have you any plans for this weekend?

Take care  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 02, 2012, 07:41:40 PM
thanx... xxx

yeh i think i'm going to mum and dads tomorrow for dinner with maisie... should be OK...

apart from that.. nothing, not doing anything for the jubilee or anything; probably just watch it on the tele...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 02, 2012, 07:58:32 PM
 :hug1: xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on June 02, 2012, 08:52:52 PM
 :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: jstcantstop on June 02, 2012, 09:16:27 PM
 :1059:

Just wanted to say I think you're doing so well. You not letting set backs knock you down and are carrying on. Keep talking hun, and remember there are so many people that care about you both here and in your life. xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on June 09, 2012, 09:22:46 PM
Hi Hun, how are you doing? Hope everything is ok.

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 09, 2012, 10:08:06 PM
yeh everything is OK thanx... saw my CPN thursday but didn't manage to tell her about any of the thoughts i'm having... i'm seeing her again next week tho for my injection so maybe i will be brave enough then...

I'm having the usual wobble about my injection, I don't want it blah blah, I know i've been better since the increase again so I don't know why i don't want it... I have been  super tired i got up at 8:30 then went back to bed at 09:30 - 11:30 then went back to bed from 12:30 to 3.. when my dad came round... now i'm not tired at all so doubt i will sleep tonight... i'm so stupid for going back to bed...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: jackgrillo on June 09, 2012, 10:09:38 PM
You needed sleep then, so it was good to sleep.

Sometimes you have to grab sleep when you can, especially if you have difficulty sleeping when you 'should' be
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 09, 2012, 10:10:55 PM
thanx Jack... yeh that's true I guess... i didn't sleep well at all last night so I think that's why i was tired...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: jackgrillo on June 09, 2012, 10:18:24 PM
And if I figure that you're tired, and aren't sleeping properly at night, and yet are able to sleep during the day - surely it's better to get some sleep during the day than have no sleep at all!
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: sparkles on June 09, 2012, 10:31:24 PM
+1 to what jack said. My gp once said to me when i said i was having trouble sleeping  that if you're tired, try to sleep, and dont worry about 'breaking the rules' about sleeping during the day, etc. If you start worrying about sleeping/not sleeping, you end up not being able to sleep at all.

Sorry to hijack, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is sleep if you can-your body and mind have really been put through the wringer, and the rest will do you good.

Huge hugs darling, I think you're doing fantastically well.


Xxxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 09, 2012, 10:51:42 PM
thanx Sparkles... it's good to hear that a GP has said that too... I guess as i'm not in work it doesn't really matter when i sleep, if i was working it would be different...

xxxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: sparkles on June 09, 2012, 10:57:40 PM
Yeah-she pretty much said break the rules lol! And it was some of the best advice I've ever had-think of it as permission to sleep when you can!

Obviously a good sleep routine is the best, but that will come in time, when you're feeling a little brighter.

Do you have any plans for the next few days?

Xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 09, 2012, 11:04:00 PM
thanx! i don't feel so bad now! ...

nope no plans really, might go and see my parents tomorrow and will obviously take maisie out for walks but nothing apart from that ! xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: sparkles on June 09, 2012, 11:41:48 PM
That's sounds good-you could do with a few days off to catch up with yourself I reckon.

Im off for the night, so you take it easy, and I hope you manage some sleep.

Thinking of you, and take it easy.

Big hugs xxxxxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 14, 2012, 07:58:36 PM
saw my CPN today for my injection... i hated it. i didn't want it again, but she is really good at talking at me and doing it really quickly and before i know it, it's done...

i suppose it's a good thing tho...

i still didn't tell her about these thoughts i'm getting,  i know i should but i don't want her over reacting or getting the crisis team involved... i'm seeing her monday but it's a joint visit with the new CBT/dBT women so won't get to speak to her... and then i won't see her for three weeks  :shoc: so ages till i can get it off my mind again  ::-\:

sorry for going on ...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on June 14, 2012, 08:10:15 PM
If its still bothering you on Mon you can speak to cpn about your thoughts then. No reason why you can't talk to her about it.

You aren't going on, but even if you were so what, its your thread say what you like.

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 14, 2012, 08:13:39 PM
I won't get to speak to her on my own tho, and i don't know this new person so I know i won't be able to speak infront of her, i'm a bit rubbish about talking about things at the best of times... it's OK tho, i'm sure i'll be fine... it's just abit distressing.. maybe the injection today will help as i haven't had one for three weeks now which might be making it worse?

xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: squiggle on June 14, 2012, 08:16:45 PM
if your cpn is away would there be a duty worker or someone else that you can speak to?
x
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 14, 2012, 08:18:40 PM
thanx squiggle.. she's not going away i just won't get to see her on my own, but i suppose i could phone her or ask to speak to her separately? i just don't want to be a burden, i should've spoken to her about it today  :frying pan: but she seemed in a good mood and i didn't want to spoil it...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 14, 2012, 08:23:14 PM
she wont think you're a burden xx
i think it will help bond things a little as you're trusting her more? :hug1: :hug2:

please do try hun?

would it help to talk about it on here? xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 14, 2012, 08:27:42 PM
thanx Lily xxx

yeh i will try... i don't know if i can speak about it on here for fear of method sharing... it's just bad plans i can't stop thinking about and the more i think about it the more it seems like a good idea!  the worrying thing is i have everything here to do it with...  ::-\:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 14, 2012, 08:32:01 PM
are you able to say what makes you feel it's a good idea? xx xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 14, 2012, 08:44:22 PM
sometimes i just feel so hopeless ... it's like nothing could make me want to stay around... and then i remember what a lovely family i have and great great friends and also something else is happening at the moment which is quite exciting (you know what i'm talking about lily) and it makes me want to carry on... it's just i can be so impulsive that i worry i will do something in haste that i wouldn't do if i had more time to think about it ... xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 14, 2012, 08:47:54 PM
yes i do know and ;D
i know you can be impulsive hun - can you use what you've told me tonight as a ... kind of prompt? maybe slowly start disposing of the things you've got?

you're going through a LOT right now xx :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 14, 2012, 08:52:51 PM
 ;D

yeh i know that's a good idea, i will try to do that... thanx xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 15, 2012, 05:25:36 PM
Today any better for you? Xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 15, 2012, 05:52:43 PM
what about asking your neighbour/friend to temporary keep them and if you don't need them hand them over.
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: sparkles on June 15, 2012, 08:33:06 PM
Hey hun,

Sorry I've not been about much-rubbish reception.

How are you doing?

I know you worry about being a burden, but honestly, I'm sure no-one thinks that at all. You seem such a lovely person, always here to offer kind words and advice to everyone, you deserve to be happy, and if you can do anything at all to help that along, then you definitely should.

Big hugs xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 15, 2012, 10:15:08 PM
hun you are not a burden on anyone and never think like that
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 16, 2012, 07:33:17 AM
hey ... thanx for all the replies xxx

I'm doing OK thanx, had a pretty rubbish day yesterday and struggled to do anything, but today's a new day i guess.. hopefully will be more productive today... xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: sparkles on June 16, 2012, 12:01:28 PM
Try not to worry about struggling to do things, just take things a step at a time. Things will get done when they get done.

Big hugs Hun xxx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 16, 2012, 02:15:48 PM
just take one  :wabbit: hop at a time
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 16, 2012, 07:18:42 PM
how are you feeling lovely? xx xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 16, 2012, 07:20:08 PM
I'm OK thanx... finally managed to get moving today and took maisie for a long walk... so that's positive..

have a family day tomorrow, i'm sure it will be chaotic.. especially if my sister is going with her two little ones... i hope they will be there tho! xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 16, 2012, 07:23:08 PM
chaotic in a good way right? :) xx xx xx  :hug1: :hug2:
what time will you be going around xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 16, 2012, 07:39:32 PM
yeh chaotic in a good way... there's nothing like kids and animals to cause chaos!!

i'll leave here about 12 i think ... xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 16, 2012, 08:14:37 PM
are you going out for the day  or just meeting up at a family house? xx  :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 16, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
i hope u have a good time
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 16, 2012, 09:42:47 PM
yeh meeting up at my mums... so will be there pretty much all day ... xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 17, 2012, 04:29:44 PM
how did it go? did it go okay?
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 17, 2012, 04:34:24 PM
Aw hope you have fun honey xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 17, 2012, 08:00:39 PM
last night ended in abit of a disaster... i OD'd phoned my dad at 2am!! I'm fine and have been checked out etc... but it's just another example of what a rubbish daughter i am doing that on fathers day... neither of us have had any sleep hardly... and he looked shattered when he dropped me off a minute ago  :( i'm sh**...

why can't i stop OD'ing... ?!
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 17, 2012, 08:03:28 PM
Oh babe don't be hard on yourself its NOT your fault ok? Xxx   :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 17, 2012, 08:03:54 PM
you're not a sh** daughter hun xx xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on June 17, 2012, 08:09:31 PM
Main thing is that you are ok.  :hug2: :hug1:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 17, 2012, 08:18:47 PM
thanx for your replies, i don't feel like i deserve them xxx

i'm so tired so hopefully i will sleep tonight... can't really get an early night because of maisie but will go to bed at 10... x
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 17, 2012, 08:35:02 PM
Sounds like a good plan xx :hug1:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 17, 2012, 08:45:00 PM
 :hug2: :hug2:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 18, 2012, 12:20:13 PM
getting really nervous now... meeting my CPN outside the hospital at 2 and the appointment is quarter past... technically means i have time to talk to her a little bit about what happened on saturday... really really nervous about it.. don't want her to refer me to the crisis team...

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Faded~Lady on June 18, 2012, 01:03:41 PM
Good luck with it hun xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 18, 2012, 04:06:32 PM
well i told her everything... she didn't react at all... nothing! we were both early so had plenty of time to chat... we had to meet at the hospital i got sectioned in ... so i didn't really want to be there... she was telling me how she started work there when she was 18.. she's 38 now... maybe she's just had enough of people saying they want to die all the time... maybe she just doesn't care anymore... maybe it's like the boy who cried wolf and i've said it too many times... maybe i should just get on with it...  :'( :'( :'(

Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Terrier on June 18, 2012, 04:14:31 PM
Hi hunni, do you mean she didn't say anything at all or that she didn't react in an emotional way? I would certainly think that she shoudl discuss the issues with you bit only in a professional manner, as you say she has been doing this for 20 years.

You definitley shouldn't get on with it though you need to look after yourself. How did your meeting go?  :hug1:

 :doggy:
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 18, 2012, 04:24:26 PM
she just said... "o right... can i speak to your parents as it must be very hard for them..." which i know it is but i said no anyway, don't want them speaking too often, i don't like it... i don't know why they want to talk to each other all the time... just getting paranoid i guess...

yeh the meeting went OK, the women was lovely, i didn't say much.... she's given me a book to read and i'm seeing her with my CPN again next monday... the therapy sounds like something i might benefit from... i hope it works! ! i need help!
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 18, 2012, 04:48:35 PM
just give everything time and it will work for you
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 18, 2012, 10:32:07 PM
thanx... i feel like i've given it enough time already tho... everyone is getting along with their lives and i'm just stuck doing nothing... i hate it... feel vunerable tonight don't know what i might do... nothing will be enough...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 19, 2012, 08:44:17 AM
I od'd again last night... i phoned NHS direct and they sent an ambulance, they checked me over and i was fine but i refused to go with them to A&E because of Maisie... feel terrible this morning... i'm such an idiot i'm stuck in this vicious circle that i can't get out of... i wish i could phone my CPN but i can't i told her i wasn't stock piling medication again and if i tell her i OD'd she will know i was stock piling it... urrghh... i'm such an idiot.. i hate myself so much...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 19, 2012, 11:40:03 AM
hun please don't hate yourself. xx xx xx
do you think you can now be honest with her?
are you ready to either start disposing of your stock pile ..? or would you consider handing it over to her? or maybe your parents? xx xx xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 19, 2012, 01:09:13 PM
i'm a horrible horrible person tho... i don't deserve any help... i feel terrible today, my head is in over drive and i can't stop thinking about it... i feel desperate... i really don't know what to do... i just want to shut down... can't stop crying...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 19, 2012, 01:26:10 PM
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
when will your parents be home from work?
could your mum maybe come stay with you tonight so you're not on your own? xx xx
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 19, 2012, 01:38:04 PM
yeh i suppose i could phone them... just don't want to worry them and cause trouble...
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: Lily Kym on June 19, 2012, 01:41:51 PM
hun i think they would rather know before than after? xx xx xx they aren't going to mind :hug1: :hug2:
please do it hun.
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: angeldevil123 on June 19, 2012, 01:48:49 PM
ask someone you know like a neighbour to look after your meds. explain to him/her that you're in a bad place at the moment emotionally or simply chuck away/give back the meds you don't need.
Title: Re: Stock piling medication *trig OD* sui
Post by: unknown_member on June 20, 2012, 01:26:53 PM
i've opened a post in crisis.. so  lock please please