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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums => Here and Now Room => Topic started by: mirrhi on April 03, 2012, 08:32:54 PM

Title: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 03, 2012, 08:32:54 PM
I'm sorry for posting again after locking the  last thread  :blushing:

I feel like such a bad person though, here and in RL.  I lie so much.  I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.  Instead I made excuses, more work, headache, tiredness, cr*ppy day, and stayed here.  He said, as a *joke* 'you don't need to lie you know, if you can only cope with me 6 days a week just say so!'  I want to be there, be with him and with boys, but the idea of time alone, space, not being 'responsible', 'capable', 'fine', is so tempting, and I gave in to that.  The knowledge that it gives space for SH and restriction adds to it as well.  Fella was so lovely on the phone, I feel sucha  sh1t.

Other sh1ttyness includes:
my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work
being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
wanting/dreading further gp appts
being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
talking rubbish here then locking
being so dcking needy




I'm doing ok.  Compared to a couple of years ago things are so different, I'd never have believed it if someone had told me it'd be this way.  So why do those things keep replaying in my mind?  Why do I still want it?  Why does the idea of a night alone with tools win compared to a night with my fella?



Because I am a btch.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 03, 2012, 08:53:21 PM
I've read, re-read and read again your thread.

No where in there can I see that:-

a) you're a b**** (you're not)
b) you're a bad person (you're not)
c) you're a liar (you're not, no more than 99.5% of the rest of the population)

:hug1:  :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug1:

I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.
You are allowed "alone" time. There is no reason why you should feel bad about this. a little white lie is all this was lovely.

my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
I should imagine if he's like most dads, he's actually glad you've asked him / glad to be doing it. Even if he moans a little like dads do ...

lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
  I dont know what this means, but if it is that she doesn't want to hear anything said about your dad, you can't help that. your dad is after all , your dad  

 b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work everyone gets behind hun - you need some time out maybe so you get your drive back?

being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
 see above ..

wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
this is perfectly natural hun. you need her and the help she gives you/support she gives you. dont feel bad for needing her

wanting/dreading further gp appts 
it's good you realise you need help, but dreading them is normal too.        

being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
 no no and no. you're lovely.

 talking rubbish here then locking 
so what? lots of people do this hun    

being so dcking needy     
:hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 03, 2012, 09:18:52 PM
I can't believe the time and thought put into your reply, it made me cry because it's so so kind.

I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.
You are allowed "alone" time. There is no reason why you should feel bad about this. a little white lie is all this was lovely.
I've done it too much though, too many white lies.

my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
I should imagine if he's like most dads, he's actually glad you've asked him / glad to be doing it. Even if he moans a little like dads do ...
He is I guess.  I don't know.  I don't know what it's like, I was 15 when he left and rejected him for 17 years.  Now we;re in touch I'm so scared that he'll think I just want contact for him to be a 'handyman'

lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
  I dont know what this means, but if it is that she doesn't want to hear anything said about your dad, you can't help that. your dad is after all , your dad  
See above. 

 b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work everyone gets behind hun - you need some time out maybe so you get your drive back?
That's not an option, I don't need it anyway.  Compared to before things are fantastic and I didn't need time off then.

being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
 see above ..

wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
this is perfectly natural hun. you need her and the help she gives you/support she gives you. dont feel bad for needing her

wanting/dreading further gp appts 
it's good you realise you need help, but dreading them is normal too.        

being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
 no no and no. you're lovely.
I repulse myself, what I'm eating, how weak I am, how selfish.  Totally missed my friend's birthday cos i was too self obsessed.

 talking rubbish here then locking 
so what? lots of people do this hun    
But people have genuine reasons

being so dcking needy     
:hug2: :hug2: :hug2:

[/quote]
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 03, 2012, 09:32:30 PM
:hug1: :hug2:
re: your dad. he will not feel like a handyman. deep down he'll be over the moon to be helping. i dont really have a good relationship with my dad. i phone him the other day for some advice and he was so happy that i'd asked him. i know it's not the same, but it's how things are. most dads need to feel that they are needed like that. (ever if they're not). so you are actually doing him a favour.

when my mum was ill, i used to relish hearing about other peoples problems as it distracted me from my own. life is all about distraction hun. you "moan" to your work colleauge, but she needs that. she doesn't want to spend 24/7 caring for her hubby, or talking about him. so a break is what she gets with you. sounds harsh seeing it in black and white, sorry. i know what i mean in my head.

your friend will have other birthdays, and you'll still be able to see her. :hug1:

please please please just have some time out tonight, to be kind to yourself. please? :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 03, 2012, 09:32:50 PM
I can't believe the time and thought put into your reply, it made me cry because it's so so kind.

I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.
You are allowed "alone" time. There is no reason why you should feel bad about this. a little white lie is all this was lovely.
I've done it too much though, too many white lies.

Are you lying because you are a bad person, or because sometimes you find life tough, and perhaps find it hard to tell the truth?

my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
I should imagine if he's like most dads, he's actually glad you've asked him / glad to be doing it. Even if he moans a little like dads do ...
He is I guess.  I don't know.  I don't know what it's like, I was 15 when he left and rejected him for 17 years.  Now we;re in touch I'm so scared that he'll think I just want contact for him to be a 'handyman'

Perhaps he feels the same as you. Perhaps he wants to spend time with you, but doesn't know what to do, so by fixing your fence he has an excuse to come round and see you

lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
  I dont know what this means, but if it is that she doesn't want to hear anything said about your dad, you can't help that. your dad is after all , your dad  
See above.  

 b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work everyone gets behind hun - you need some time out maybe so you get your drive back?
That's not an option, I don't need it anyway.  Compared to before things are fantastic and I didn't need time off then.


Just because things are better now than before, doesn't mean you don't need time off. It's not a scale of good and bad and support needed. It changes as time goes on

being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
 see above ..

are you lazy? or struggling and tired

wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
this is perfectly natural hun. you need her and the help she gives you/support she gives you. dont feel bad for needing her

wanting/dreading further gp appts  
it's good you realise you need help, but dreading them is normal too.      

being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
 no no and no. you're lovely.
I repulse myself, what I'm eating, how weak I am, how selfish.  Totally missed my friend's birthday cos i was too self obsessed.

Are you weak and selfish? Or do you just have low self esteem which makes you think you are?

 talking rubbish here then locking  
so what? lots of people do this hun    
But people have genuine reasons

And what makes you think your isn't genuine?
I'm certainly happy to listen to you and help you. And as for talking rubbish, what does it matter? Your stil letting it out and that's a good thing
being so dcking needy

everyone is "needy" sometimes. Everyone needs support in their lives, even those without mental health issues    
:hug2: :hug2: :hug2:

[/quote]
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 03, 2012, 09:40:41 PM
Dck you, why do you all keep making me cry tonight???
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 03, 2012, 09:58:13 PM
Because we do care about you, and we're here to listen to you and support you. Your not half as bad a person as you think you are. That's just what low self esteem does to you x x x

Sometimes life dumps crap on us and makes us do/say/think/feel things we don't like or cause us pain. That doesn't make you a bad person at all. Nobodies bad really, just misunderstood and confused

 :1059: :1059: :1059: :1059: :1059:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 03, 2012, 11:54:21 PM
Because we do care about you, and we're here to listen to you and support you. Your not half as bad a person as you think you are. That's just what low self esteem does to you x x x

Sometimes life dumps crap on us and makes us do/say/think/feel things we don't like or cause us pain. That doesn't make you a bad person at all. Nobodies bad really, just misunderstood and confused

 :1059: :1059: :1059: :1059: :1059:
I don't deserve your care.

Really life is not dumping crap on me, it's just reality, day to day reality.  I just need to learn to be ok
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Terri on April 04, 2012, 12:01:35 AM
Day to day reality is hard though, hon. It is. Especially so if there's low self esteem/MH stuff going on as well - that makes it extra tough.


I guess part of being OK is learning to be, but the lessons of life aren't like maths tutorials (I found them hard enough!), and it's not easy to grasp what's being taught. It can take lots of time and a bit of trial and error before we work out what works for us - what makes us and keeps us OK. Cut yourself some slack. You've made huge changes recently and you're coping really well with them. You should be proud of yourself, not belittling yourself and your achievements.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 04, 2012, 12:41:07 PM
I agree with Terri. And yes you do deserve my care. Just because your self esteem makes you belief you are not worth it, I belive you are, and I'm sticking here to support you  :;):

Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 05, 2012, 05:06:01 PM
 Thanks for being so kind and caring, even if I'm a whingey pain, and sorry for slow reply - still no internet access at fella's.
I just feel pathetic and that I just don't try hard enough. People seem to think I do but they only see the front I  put on.
I SHed again on Tuesday, but cos of   ::-\:where it is it's coverrd up. I know that's not doing it any good but i cant let anyone see it, especially littl'uns, they can't see it. my own stupid fault.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 06, 2012, 02:54:03 PM
better a wingy pain than be stuck with a load of feelings inside you. Else the bottle would go pop.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 06, 2012, 06:24:28 PM
I should be able to deal with stuff by now without needing to whinge. I'm feeling really crap though, I've had a headache for 3 days, neck pain, back pain, my eyes hurt when I move them, and I keep going dizzy. I've spent all today lying on the sofa instead of doing things with fella and boys  :(
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 06, 2012, 06:30:47 PM
Why should you be ok with it? There is no time limit on when yout should/shouldn't be ok with things in life.

You don't sound too well, do you know what's causing it?
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 06, 2012, 06:56:31 PM
Ishould tho, I'm supposed to ne a competent adult, iv had enough support from. Cpn, cbt, counselling etc and been discharged by all.
I've no idea why I'm feeling like this, thought I was coming down with something but it's not got any worse, but not getting better either. I just want the acheing to stop.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 06, 2012, 07:12:46 PM
perhaps its flu or something? Are adults supossed to be competant, or are they not a lot different to kids really? I'm 20, and adult for 2 years and still feel no more grown up than a teenager. My mum, coming up to 50, feels the same
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 08, 2012, 07:27:23 PM
I dunno, i just feel incompetent and ashamed.
I am feeling a but better physically though today, seem to have slept for most of the past 2 days. It wasnt flu cos I've had that before but it almost felt like the start of it.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Terri on April 08, 2012, 07:31:37 PM
I'm glad you're feeling physically a bit better. Do you think it could be stress/tiredness? I know I feel achy and yucky when I'm emotionally and physically drained. :hug2:


What's making you feel incompetent and ashamed?


:hug1:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 08, 2012, 09:12:54 PM
Just that I still do stupid things, like SH, that I'm consantly filled with doubts, that I'm just not enough.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 08, 2012, 09:16:37 PM
 :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: sorry i dont have any words hun. i'm listening though , if  that's of any use xx xx xx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 10, 2012, 10:24:09 AM
Just that I still do stupid things, like SH, that I'm consantly filled with doubts, that I'm just not enough.

All of that is down to low confidence in yourself. It's really crap to feel like that, but it's not true. Your head tells you it is, but that isn't how people see you  :1059:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 11, 2012, 06:57:17 PM
Just that I still do stupid things, like SH, that I'm consantly filled with doubts, that I'm just not enough.

All of that is down to low confidence in yourself. It's really crap to feel like that, but it's not true. Your head tells you it is, but that isn't how people see you  :1059:

I find that really hard to believe though.  I know me better than anyone else so surely I know the truth - others only know what I let show.

I have a night to myself at my house tonight.  Part of me is really looking forward to peace and quiet, part of me is dreading it because it gives too much opportunity and chance to revert to *negative* behaviours.  I'm with fella tomorrow, but then have the weekend here as well which gives even more opportunity  ::-\:  I don't know if I feel pleased or scared or what??

ED woman is back at work, she cam eback yesterday after 5 weeks off sick.  She's not emailed me yet though, stupid that I'm really wanting her to.  My last email to her was abit of a splurge...
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 13, 2012, 06:36:41 PM
I can't believe how much weight I've put on.  I could see it but kept trying tp convince myself my view was 'distorted', but now I know I have.  The scales confirm it.
Horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 13, 2012, 09:05:51 PM
Sorry, I know I keep bumping  :frying pan:

ED woman hasn't emailed still.  I thought she might yesterday as Thursday was a regular day, but nothing.  I keep thinking of emailing her but what if my emails were part of why she went off sick?  What if my dumping on her, whingeing and moaning was triggering, iritating, annoying?  She's been through enough cr@p in her life without me adding more.

I wish I was strong enough to shut up.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 06:38:09 PM
I'm so sorryy for bumping again.  Stupid cow, I don't know what to do though.  I want to stop dumping on people an dleaning on them and being so pathetic, but I just feel so alone right now.

I've just received an email from ED woman saying that her job descripiton has changed after being off sick and so she won't be giving email support any more.  That's it.  Gone.  I'm just sat here crying and can't stop.  Pathetic selfish irrelevant witch  :frying pan: :frying pan: :frying pan: :frying pan: :frying pan: :frying pan:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: findingmyway on April 17, 2012, 06:41:45 PM
please dont be sorry for posting, post as much as you need to :hug1:

Im sorry that the email support has been withdrawn - do you have other support that may be able to take its place?

Pathetic selfish irrelevant witch
:no: You're not any of those things hun :hug1:

please keep talking xxx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 17, 2012, 06:42:35 PM
im sure i posted on here on the 14th? im really confused now

as fmw said - post as much as you need to hun :hug1:

please keep talking x
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 06:50:45 PM
Im sorry that the email support has been withdrawn - do you have other support that may be able to take its place?

No, that was the only thing I still had.  I can't attend the groups any more because I've moved.

im sure i posted on here on the 14th? im really confused now

Thank you Lily, just knowing that helps  :hug1:


I feel so pathetic though.  I suspected this was coming, she's struggled with ED and depression herself, has been off sick for 5 weeks, been back at work for 2 weeks but not emailed until tonight.  So if I suspected it why the F*** am I crying so much???
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 06:58:03 PM
I'm scared.  Now I've started to cry it feels like the floodgates have opened and I only know one way to stop it.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: findingmyway on April 17, 2012, 07:00:40 PM
:hug1: :hug1:

Even if you suspected it might be coming hun its still a shock when it does

Keep talking to us. What distractions usually help for you? Even if its just for 10mins? xxx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 07:10:33 PM
I'm trying to work but can't get onto the website.  I have so much to do, I need to get on, I didn't go back to fella so I could catch up on work and now I'm failing at that too.  I don't know what else to do.  Could try games?
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: findingmyway on April 17, 2012, 07:12:44 PM
Not failing hun, its not your fault that you cant get onto the website.

Games sound like a good idea - what games do you like?? xx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 07:30:01 PM
Everyone else from work has manged it though, why can't I?  I could catch up, distract and be useful instead of a waste of space.

I usually play mahjong but struggling to focus tonight.  Mumjust rang, had to be happy, chatty etc.  Fraud.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 07:41:54 PM
Rant
Don't you realise how pathetic you sound?  Moaning and whingeing and feeling sorry for yourself.  What do you actually have to feel bad about?  You have a fella, a job, a home, fella's boys, family, friends.  So shut the f*** up with your whingeing
It's not even as you really count as struggling with SH or ED or depression any more, you have meds, your mood is generally ok, SH is rare, you eat far too f***ing much to deserve anything, stupid fat b*tch.  So what are you gonna do?  Can't self destruct cos that's unfair on fella and boys, on mum, on dad, on bro, on work and friends.  So why the f*** post anything here cos you know you'll survive.
Go cut or b**n, post all attention seeking, then duck off and smile.
Rant over
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 17, 2012, 08:11:24 PM
 :trig:

Stupid f***ing b*tch couldn't manage one or the other properly, sh or no sh.  Let the tool cool down too much for real damage, no bubbling or popping.  Like everything it's compromise.  

Sorry.   :hide:

 :icon_arrow: trigger added to post
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 17, 2012, 08:15:52 PM
 :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Broken Wings on April 17, 2012, 09:14:07 PM
Stupid question but are you ok? please keep talking  :hug1: :hug2: xxx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 18, 2012, 07:33:34 AM
I'm ok,, sorry  :blushing:

How do I explain b**ns to fella? I'm so f***ing stupid  :frying pan:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 18, 2012, 02:29:39 PM
 :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
how are you feeling hun?

where are they? arm?
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 18, 2012, 07:24:56 PM
Feeling low and teary. b**ns are on hip so difficult to explain as accident  ::-\:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 18, 2012, 07:27:36 PM
xx xx sorry hun
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 19, 2012, 06:31:15 PM
You've nothing to say sorry for, you're being so lovely and really helping even though things are rough for you and I'm giving nothing in return. I've managed to hide b**ns from fella so far, hoping it stays that way. Even tho fella is lovely and really understanding about this stuff I don't feel right talking to him about it, don't know why? Kind of want to talk to friend but not sure how, when etc. Just feel a bit alone atm but constantly surrounded by people so I can't deal with it in my 'usual' ways  ::-\:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 19, 2012, 09:04:38 PM
I'm glad your fella is lovely and understanding hun. But i totally understand why you dont feel right talking to him about it. could you maybe let him know you're just a little low? xx xx

how are you feeling now? xx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 20, 2012, 11:48:49 PM
hi mirrhi, sorry i've not been online the past few days  :hug2:

I agree with lily kym, perhaps tell him a bit but not all?

You know you can always talk to us and have our support x x

Perhaps its better you cant deal with it in your usual ways (im assuming this is referring to self harm?) as you'll have to find better way. Perhaps drawing? listening to music? having a rant here?  :1059:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 21, 2012, 08:48:01 AM
Thank you both,  your words and hugs mean a lot  :hug1:
I think fella may have an idea I'm not so good but I find it really hard to start any conversation about it. Part of me really wishes he'd ask, cos then I can answer without making it seem like a huge deal, which it would feel like if I brought it up.
You're probably right justine on it being better not being able to use my usual coping methods. I just feel a bit lost without them. I have a day alone today, trying to plan lots to keep busy til fella and boys return tonight.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 21, 2012, 05:32:39 PM
how  are you feeling hun? xx :hug1:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 23, 2012, 03:29:47 PM
I'm ok, sorry, not really been able to get online. Kept busy all weekend with jobs and boy's bday on Sunday.
Talked to friend today. She suggested I ask for someone else to email at ED group. I don't know  ::-\:
Got so much work to do but can't seem to focus. I need a kick up the ****
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 25, 2012, 11:36:48 AM
Feeling pretty ugh today. Saw supersize v superskinny last night which has left me feeling greedy fat and horrible. I want to stop eating but I can't. Hip is starting to heal, but stupid head wants to do more damage to it. Fella hasn't seen it and I'm not with him this weekend which feels like an opportunity.

Sorry, just a whinge.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 25, 2012, 05:48:11 PM
 :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 25, 2012, 06:24:18 PM
hey, wingings good :)

glad to hear your still doing ok.

Could you write a note or something to your partner? Or give some sort of hint?

Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 25, 2012, 07:56:04 PM
No, I don't want fella to worry, there's no need for him to know.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 25, 2012, 08:11:34 PM
Talked to friend today. She suggested I ask for someone else to email at ED group.
Have you given any more thought into this hun? :hug1: :hug2:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 25, 2012, 09:19:43 PM
I still don't know. It feels wrong to ask them when they've not offered it, and really I'm ok, just being stupid.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 25, 2012, 10:22:02 PM
Revolting greedy fat disgusting b*tch
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Broken Wings on April 25, 2012, 10:23:05 PM
What's happening hun,would it help to talk?  :hug1: :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 25, 2012, 10:24:11 PM
 :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 26, 2012, 09:21:54 AM
Ate too much. Feeling horrible.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 26, 2012, 10:25:54 PM
 :1059:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 27, 2012, 10:47:13 PM
Thank you Justine  :hug1:

Crappy couple of days.  Fella's littlest fell over last night and his foot went in the fire so he's got nasty b**n on his toe, then was sick all night as well.  Oldest was in tears with anxiety about school project, just inconsolable, could not be reassured.  Work was busy so I offered to do a favour but said I couldn't finish late cos today is mum's bday and she wasn't going to see anyone else so I'd promised to see her.  Instead of finishing at 5 I got home half an hour ago after having to let mum down, and the reason I finished late is the very worst bit of my job with pathetic resources which sucks so ducking much I am ashamed.  Overall I've let people down all over the place.

The very worst thing is that part of me is so relieved that I didn't have to go to mum's cos now I don't have to eat.  How s****y is it that I resent having to eat for her and feel such relief when I have a reason not to.

Horrible person.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: Lily Kym on April 27, 2012, 10:49:50 PM
not horrible. i think you have a LOT on your plate and i hope things get easier for you xx xx :hug1: :hug2: thinking about you hun xx xx
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 27, 2012, 10:56:39 PM
not horrible. i think you have a LOT on your plate and i hope things get easier for you xx xx :hug1: :hug2: thinking about you hun xx xx

+1 to that, your obviosuly struggling now, so give yourself a break, you don't have to be perfect all the time, especially at times like these x x

Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 27, 2012, 11:05:44 PM
What does struggling actually mean though?  I have a fella I love who loves me for some unknown reason, fab boys even thought they're not mine, family, job, etc.  I have crappy days but they're srvivable.  I'm ashamed of the 'struggle' people seem to think I have, it is pathetic.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 27, 2012, 11:10:02 PM
the struggle isn't what you have, it's a battle of the thoughts and emotions your body gives you. The rich kid with the perfect parents, perfect school, and perfect friends can still struggle. Life can be really tough sometimes, and it doesn't matter who you are or what your situation, everyone is entitled to some slack sometimes, even if that some is a long period of time.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 27, 2012, 11:17:43 PM
everyone is entitled to some slack sometimes, even if that some is a long period of time.

There has to be an end though right?
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 27, 2012, 11:23:23 PM
the end is when you feel better and aren't struggling anymore, and yes that does come. It's accepting help, and moving forwards that gets you there. Thing is, that is the hardest part. The reason people struggle for so long, is they don't move forwards. Of course it's really tough and that is why. Much easier said than done, especially for those that cant see clearly. Thing is, mental health issues, including general not being able to cope, is actually a big thing. Just because it's not a physical thing, somehing you can see, it seems to feel like you should be ok, when in fact you are entitled to not be ok. Sorry if that doesn't make sense x x
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 27, 2012, 11:32:56 PM
the end is when you feel better and aren't struggling anymore
The whole struggling thing is what I struggle with  ::)  You do make sense though, I get what you mean, I just feel so totally inadequate of it.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 27, 2012, 11:40:31 PM
your only human just like the rest of us. When you walk down the street, everyone seems normal and coping right? You may think how come they all get to have good lives and cope well and I don't? Well in actuall fact a lot of these peole you see are also struggling, you just can't tell. If 1 in 4 people have a mental health issue, and you see 100 people in town, 25 of those you walk past are also likley to be struggling too.

Whe your a kid you (usually) get things easy. You don't have responsibilities, and you can generally do what you want and someone else will sort it all out for you. If you want something bad for you, it simply gets taken away. But when you get older you have responsibilities, and those people aren't there anymore, your kinda on your own. Yous till the same kid though. That's why people struggle. Add on top of that mental health and bam it gets worse. I struggle too you know. I find it hard to keep up at work, and sometimes feel i'm incompetent. I struggle at home sometimes too. And I'm relatively mental problem free.

Struggling is far morecommon that you think, it's just hidden in our society.
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: mirrhi on April 28, 2012, 05:02:39 PM
Thanks Justine.  I know that's all true 'logically', and can apply it to everyone else, but not me.  I can't be 'struggling' I'm just being pathetic and self pitying, I can cope, I just need to carry on and stop being so sorry for myself, and then I end up so angry at myself I want to SH, slap my stupid face, cry, scream, rant, anything to get rid of those knots inside me  :banghead:
Title: Re: Bad person *sh ed*
Post by: justine on April 28, 2012, 05:39:44 PM
It applies to you too mirrhi, your not an excpetion. However, I do see your point about the woe is me attitude. Sometimes when I get down i'm a bit like that, then  I shake my head and go what the hell am I doing? and pick myself right back up to being happy again. It still doesn't make you a bad person though, which ever way. I can't say if you are struggling, or just have a woe is me attitude, but either way it doesn't make a difference to the person you are.