Shadow of who you used to be?

[Nebula]

Anybody else like that?

[Patient Pianist]

yeah
wish i could get my head through the clouds
sometimes it even feels close
but i just cant quite get there
ever

[Ludovica]

Yes.

Part of my issue is that I remember the me I used to be far too fondly. And also remember the me I was planning to become, over the future decade or so (for instance, I was a naïve 11 year old and had made plans for what I'd be now).

It is far harder to accept the now and progress from how I am now than I'd like to think it would be. Even with the "successes" per se, I still am never quite where I used to think I'd get to. The comparing to what "I used to be" is never particularly beneficial, though very easy to get into.

Not sure I have much advice, more that saying that actually the who you are now is OK as it is (however much you may disagree), and the who you will become will be shaped by both the now and the you you used to be. </slightly clichéd talk>

[Nebula]

I seem to be stuck in this place and can't seem to stay out of it for long... my mentality is destroying my life... more or less.
Do you do anything to get out of it? Do you try? Does anyone?
I'm not waiting for some encouragement to take up a hobby or something... not that I have time for one... just wanting a new way of thinking, I suppose.
Even so, that right nows seems too much to ask of anyone.
I've avoided nshn for almost 2 years now, but always seem to come crawling back

[Nebula]

Thanks for all your replies x
Ludovica?
My god, it has been way too long...x

[Nebula]

Did you ever wake up on some 'special' day, take new years day and have a huge part of you say
'today is the day you will die: train, car, "accident", whatever you make may it seem, today is that day'
Today is the day you accept who you are, and how much you hate it. You hate it with every bone in your pathetic being.
Orsomethingalongthoselin es...?
I don't want to unnecessarily upset anyone... I just want to tell somebody what I think... the sick things I think
I hate myself writing this. It feels wrong and selfish. In fact I'm regretting it. I'm sorry

[Ludovica]

To try to get out of it, I've become an outwardly highly successful person. I'm not sure it has helped, whilst it has filled the gaps and exhausts me so I don't have really admit who I am not, it certainly has its downfalls.

For me, I have had to step back and appreciate what I am achieving on the day-to-day. Ok, yes, I don't have that [insert qualification/life style/view point] which I was aiming to have now, but there have been some things which show clear progress from where I have been at my lowest. Even if putting on shoes today proved to be a 10 minute task.  Sounds like positive thinking twaddle, but sometimes all it takes is a little positive spin/nudge and time and things can start to move forward.

As another crawler-backer, I've decided it is because NSHN is where I still feel safe. Even if not posting, even if dipping in after nearly a year away. That's not my fault, that is the fact this forum feels OK to me. So don't beat yourself up about that as well. And being able to tell someone, anyone, what you are thinking is vitally important. If here is this place, then don't apologise.

Yes, my last very certain 'special' day was nearly 3 years ago. It landed me on a psych ward on constant observations due to ineptitudes on my part. I don't know quite what then happened to take away the immediacy of individuals days and left the feelings at "not urgent" but it can happen. If it can happen to me, it most certainly can happen. The hate is still there, I haven't accepted me really, but I can just about accept what I am.

You will be OK.

[Nebula]

Do you ever get guilt when you write about yourself? Maybe the less I came on here, the more significant it feels now...? I changed my course to do something else... much harder I imagine in some ways... it sometimes seems to impress people when they ask... no idea why though... I might be doing something worthwhile, but that's no good if I'm not good enough for the degree in the first place is it?. I thought I might do as I used to... there was this time when I did everything on time and I did it well... and now? I seem to have the highs that offer confidence in myself followed by crushing lows; it is these that make me doubt everything, even my existence I suppose.
It's like no matter what I'm going to do, I'm going to die anyway... and it's started to get funny... strange funny. I laugh. I've accepted I'm going to die, it's just a question of when. I don't even know why. It drives me mad.
First I thought this depression was caused by something... maybe something I did? And then I thought what if I was just wanting attention... the thought made my skin crawl.. the selfishness of it... but maybe.. I was only young. I reached 20, and now I think that there is no reason for my depression, no cause, no wanting... this is what I am... some lesser specifies that was born to die out to something better...
Does this make any sense? If I'm some crazy nutter, I'm not surprised any more, nothing would do it now.
I promise you.. I try to think positive, I have tried it since my birthday; like some sort of turning point.
Maybe some of us are born to die... not by a physical defect, but by a mental fault?
Sorry... enough words... I know I could keep writing forever, sorry

[Ludovica]

I think yes, there is guilt attached to writing about yourself especially if you haven't for some time, though there is no need for there to be.

No matter what you are going to do, you are going to die anyway, yes. No one is immortal, it will happen. But it is about making dying (by your own hand, as it were) seem less like the foregone conclusion for the now, and more something in the inevitable far off. Accepting dying is one thing (not necessarily a bad thing), however accepting dying as something nearby is a far more worrying one. If you don't know why, how come there is choice in the when? Also, you can have a lot of life between now and dying and I'm fairly certain that life is worthwhile.

I don't think you are selfish, I really don't. I think there are a lot of people who believe that turned 20 (or whatever) will signify that progress somehow. Sadly life doesn't quite work to birthdays and dates. I wish it did, I'd be incredibly happy if the hope/anticipation of each date had succeeded time after time.

Nor do I think you have a mental fault. Yes, OK, now things aren't seeming like you can believe that - I think it can be easy to overthink (think you are a bit like me on that!) which provides suggestions in predestined faults or paths which are now completely out of reach. I'm sure that whilst you have the highs which accentuate the lows now, the highs can prevail. Yes, sure, the further there is to fall, the bigger the bump, but eventually the falls become less frequent. The doubt eventually does become belief again.

I'm in need of sleep, but I shall check back in the morning. Take care tonight.

[Nebula]

I'm grateful for all you've given me to think about, 
Night night x

Perhaps this guilt will subside, nevertheless I understand that this should not be my primary focus. I suppose I see a choice in the date because I am aware that nothing has happened to me so far, and it probably won't... unless it is from my own action. I know that my own action can be made at any time... but there is something in my head that has the access to command it. On new years eve, I remember I was at work with this constant.. thing.. tempting me to finish my life when I had finished... and the thought was beginning to consume me; it actually frightened me as I believed it was going to happen... even though I was working and nothing did happen, the thought of going to die felt very real, and vivid. When I finished work these thoughts kept coming back and got harder to suppress... and some might say I've thus succeeded- but all I think it that is was not time this time... yet I still expect it in the near future.
I am defeated, defenceless to it and I accept I am at the mercy of my dark thoughts... most of the time I wait.
Do I want to wait forever? It's quite horrible waiting for something you know is going to happen one way or another. Ending this gets me to the same point, but with less stress. At least there is no more waiting to die.

I don't know why dates have any significance to me tbh. I didn't think they did really, but perhaps I have got it wrong again- wouldn't be the first time.
Do the falls become less frequent? Really? I'm trusting you... I don't think they have so far.
I'm completely honest, things I have... the situation I live in... nothing is bad as such... there is no cause, or reason for this.
Am I going to be like this forever? I can see no other option. If it has not gone away even when there seems no reason for its presence, I can only see that it is myself that the problem lies within... a permanent fault. The only way I can prove otherwise (I think) is if I can finish this degree AND do well at it too.. as I will not see the result for years from now I can see myself lasting as long as the potential success takes.


I've always wanted to go into research. Always. Always wanted to learn something... or find something new, that no one else has done/discovered/theorised e.t.c. I won't even talk in depth in response to somebody on something I think I know for fear that I may, or will, be wrong about. I want to be one of the best of the best, and I don't think I really have the potential.. I think I keep deceiving myself.

And then, the ultimate turn of my ambitions. Perhaps I've set myself up to fail so that I may ease this inevitable suicide.

I'm not asking for a sympathy vote, or attention or anything... I don't even know what to ask anymore. I don't know what I need.
I wish this was different. Now I think about all this, I mean really think about all of this, it's back.
And then I think what if today is my last day. Who knows? Because I sure don't.

What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to ask?
I'm trapped. I can't do anything that is the right option.