Author Topic: Iím ok, but....  (Read 2471 times)

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Offline terrified heart

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Iím ok, but....
« on: March 27, 2018, 11:46:41 PM »
So I guess things are much better than they were a couple of weeks ago. Iíve not had a low mood or thoughts of wanting to be dead. Iíve not felt that complete exhaustion with life that I was feeling.

But...

Itís little things I guess. Iím not very tolerant of others. Iím not able to emotionally engage with people. I have a friend who is depressed at the moment and Iíve been purposely avoiding her. Itís like I donít feel comfortable dealing with other peopleís problems. Which isnít the behaviour of a good friend is it.

I say controversial and provoking things at work to get a rise out of the others. I know Iím doing it, but I canít seem to stop. Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is bizarre at best and downright insane at worst. It doesnít even make sense to me, but I canít seem to stop myself saying it.

And then there is the issue of my terrible memory. Today I was looking everywhere for a pair of tool and getting mad that one of my colleagues had moved them. He said that they were in front of me, but I still couldnít see them so went into another room to find a different pair. When I went back the original pair was on top of the box I was using. Two of my colleagues said I was holding them when I asked where they were then put them down to go Ďfind themí. I mean thatís not right is it?? Iíve no memory of having them or putting them there. And because I was adamant I hadnít put them there I accused my colleague of playing tricks on me until the other one backed him up. I also had a full blown meltdown last Friday after forgetting my internet banking password and ranting to the guy on the bank helpline because I couldnít recall the answer to any of my security questions either. And I mean a full meltdown with me swearing trashing my flat to find if it was written anywhere, then sobbing, then downing a glass of wine.

So I am fine in that Iím not low in mood or suicidal, but the other stuff is worrying me slightly. Or maybe thatís all just the natural me and I donít recognise myself? I donít know. I find myself wondering if Iím a bit unwell.
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Online Tucan

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2018, 12:00:50 AM »
You probably are still a little bit unwell. It wasn't long ago you were feeling suicidal and really unwell. You are still recovering and in the early stages. Don't push yourself too hard. Could you talk to your care team about it.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline Rob

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Re: I’m ok, but....
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2018, 10:43:29 AM »
How many times have you seen someone frantically looking for their glasses when they're wearing them? Apparently you only 'see' less than a quarter of what you're looking at - your brain interprets the rest. When you look for something, if you're not expecting to see it in a certain location, or you've already dismissed that location, it becomes increasingly difficult to then see it there. That's normal and happens to me - frequently.

Meltdowns are often associated with frustration - older people can seem bad tempered simply because they can't remember stuff that they think that they should be able to. You're not old (unlike me!), but you might still be settling into your meds and still finding it more difficult to focus - did you remember your password and other answers when you weren't put on the spot and had a chance to calm down? I have to have a safe place to keep passwords/usernames/codes (ie in the safe) because if they're not used often, it's easy to forget them.

Regarding your depressed friend, I think sometimes it's like a protective mechanism to avoid involving with situations that can bring your own mood down when you're just getting out of a similar situation yourself, and it's no use risking your own well being if that's going to happen. When you're able to offer a little support, do so, but not until - keep things as light hearted as possible. As Tucan says, you're still recovering.


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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2018, 10:51:25 PM »
Thanks x

I think Iím just really tired and itís impacting on my functioning. Iím not tired in a depressed Ďtired of lifeí kind of way, just in a sleepy kind of way. Probably the meds, plus also the clocks changing. I like that itís lighter in the evenings, but I donít like the darker mornings, so Iím finding it harder to get up.

And I am frustrated with myself. I have no motivation to do any of the things I know would be good for me. I ate well for 4 days before slipping back into overeating junk food, and walked to work 3 times before going back to driving. I never went back to yoga, even though I really enjoyed the first class. I annoy myself with my laziness. Iím frustrated with my awful memory and terrible concentration. But being frustrated just makes things worse because I get so het up about being useless that I end up being even more useless.

Iím seeing the primary care MH lady on April 9th, but Iím not sure how helpful it is going to be. CMHT didnít take me back on, so Iím not seeing anybody from there again. Iíve a feeling that there have been a lot of cut backs at my local CMHT centre, it doesnít seem like there are as many staff, and definitely not as many working full time. I think they merged with the wider county teams so arenít based here as often.

I explained the situation to my friend in very basic terms. She said she understands and not to apologise. Iíd like to be able to support her, but Iím just not in the right head space to do that. I have done little things to show I care though, like the other day I put a thinking of you card on her car which she seemed to appreciate.
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Online Tucan

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2018, 12:28:02 PM »
 :hug2: it is hard recovering from mental health. It is also hard to not give ourselves a hard time. It's good you are still around for your friend in some way. That card was a really lovely gesture.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline Rob

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2018, 12:52:16 PM »
I think that you did the best thing with your friend - you showed her that you cared, and that can make a lot of difference. That is what good friends do.

Perhaps make a new start date to push yourself into that healthier lifestyle - how about next week after the easter holiday? I tend to find it's easier if there's a set start point.

You'll just have to have a proper discussion with your MH person - be armed with what you need to get sorted before you see her, and at least that way you might end up with something constructive.
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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2018, 12:43:40 AM »
This is unrelated to my previous posts, but..

Iíve just booked a consultation with a beauty clinic to discuss having micropigmentation scar camouflage tattooing. The consultation is free, but I gather the actual procedure is pretty pricey. Somebody put a thread on here about it a while ago and I was trying to find somewhere that did it, and could only find clinics in London & the South East, but Iíve just found a clinic in my hometown, so I booked for a Saturday in May where I can go down to visit family for a couple of days at the same time.

Iíve been interested in this for ages now and Iím excited to find out more. It might not be suitable for me, or affordable, but Iím intrigued to go along for the consultation to find out more.
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Online Tucan

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2018, 07:31:08 AM »
Good luck. I have never heard of it before.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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Offline terrified heart

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2018, 09:58:25 PM »
I donít feel well

Iím better than before, as in Iím calmer and not feeling desperate to escape life. But I donít feel right in my mind somehow. I donít feel like Iíve fully got a grip on reality or that Iím quite with it.

I saw my GP today. She has put the olanzapine onto my repeat prescription now as it seems to be helping. I told her some of the things that are bothering me and making me feel unwell. She said they need to keep an eye on some of my thought processes.

Itís been hard going back to work today after the 4 day bank holiday weekend. Itís not the actual job that is hard, itís just me. Iím just not connected to reality enough to be able to cope with being at work. Iím constantly forgetting what Iím doing and leaving things half done. I havenít got space inside my head to retain any information and my memory is awful.

I just donít feel well.
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Online Tucan

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Re: Iím ok, but....
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2018, 10:53:17 PM »
That sucks bless you. Could you talk to work about how you are at the moment? Do you write lists? One of the ways incope at work is to have written lists.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


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