Author Topic: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh* *trig SA*  (Read 881 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Tigger

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 700
  • Tigger has lost the bounce
Tired of fighting myself *trig sh* *trig SA*
« on: February 17, 2018, 01:40:20 PM »
I'm tired.  Tired of fighting myself all the time. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.  PTSD is hideous I am taking 2 different types of AD to control my anxiety and allow me to sleep but I still have nightmares all the same they just don't wake me up now and i wake up feeling like i haven't been asleep. So im push myself through the day and on the outside nobody would know anything is wrong with me but i have to fight my own thoughts force myself to get out of bed and go to work and be good at my job. I work hard and i work long hours.  Then the mirtazapine im taking b to help me sleep makes me hungry all the time and im tired so i crave sugar so im n constantly fighting what i put in my mouth because I've put on weight and im n struggling to lose it.  Then im trying to do all the things im supposed to do from the psychologist but im struggling to not think about the bad things and control my thoughs. I want to harm but i can't cut because people will see unless i cut somewhere new and i can't b**n because people will get suspicious if i use that excuse again imwant to hurt but im not supposed to.   Too tired for it all :mf_sleep11:
« Last Edit: February 19, 2018, 01:04:05 PM by Rob »
Outside I'm smiling, Inside I'm crying. Outside I'm laughing, Inside I'm dying.
"Its goodbye to the shortcuts, hello to the grind, no one ever said it would be an easy ride" - Relentless
Last SH 18/02/12

Online Tucan

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 8996
  • Its a cup, not a toilet!
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2018, 05:38:55 PM »
Aww bless you. Sorry things are still difficult for you. Is there time when you can relax and do nothing?
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Tigger

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 700
  • Tigger has lost the bounce
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2018, 11:48:09 PM »
Hey Tucan . Yeah it comes and goes sometimes im ok and i think im coping other times it all gets too much. I feel pretty alone in the world nobody in RL i can talk too anymore and i cant see a future right now. It all feels so hopeless. Life isnt fair i try to tell myself that mine could be a lot worse but the stuff from my past is hard to cope with right now. It all feels a bit raw i guess.
Outside I'm smiling, Inside I'm crying. Outside I'm laughing, Inside I'm dying.
"Its goodbye to the shortcuts, hello to the grind, no one ever said it would be an easy ride" - Relentless
Last SH 18/02/12

Online Tucan

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 8996
  • Its a cup, not a toilet!
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2018, 07:42:50 AM »
Do you have a consellor? Are work supportive of you? It's good that there are time you feel ok and able to cope. Hopefully those times will get bigger and the time you are not coping as well will get smaller. At the moment your life isn't that good but it can improve and get better again. Are you looking after yourself?
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Tigger

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 700
  • Tigger has lost the bounce
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2018, 03:12:15 PM »
Yeah i see a psychologist every week it costs me a fortune but its worth because i wouldnt be coping without her and i need to work though all my demons once and for all, if i ever want a chance to be at least able to manage my ptsd. On the wall in the waiting room is a poster saying "one day somebody will hug you so tight all your broken pieces will stick back together" I wish this were true because i am so broken. 

 :maytrigger: sa
I desperately want children but i can't even be near any men even now I've opened Pandoras box of memories. My parent's divorced when i was 4 and openly hated each other, i was scared of my dad because he had a temper but he also repeatedly let me down and then abandoned me by running from his child support payments to Ireland.

When i was 8 i was SA by a friends brother and spent the past 20 years thinking it was all my fault and not understanding that's what it was.  I never told anyone until recently and im still trying too come to grips with it.

When I was 12 we lost our house and became homeless living in a council b&b for 6 months. When we got a house i proceeded to drink constantly at parties an throw myself at boys getting up to all kinds of trouble until i moved to college at 16. I got incredibly drunk and had ideas that i should lose my virginity but then got completely taken advantage off and didnt know how to say no. Thats when i started SH

So im scared that now im too broken and i can never have what i want and that scares me. I always thought i would of worked all this out by now but its actually worse than ever.  So i feel hopeless about the future and  completely alone because nobody understands how awful ptsd is. The drugs i take to sleep are making me fat and i still have nightmares anyway, im anxious and depressed. My emotions are all over the place and I've simply never ever felt so lonely in my life.

Sorry didnt mean to write all that but i just keep thinking what a mess it all is and i don't know how to get past it and leave it all behind. The emotions are all so raw and keep coming to haunt me. 
Outside I'm smiling, Inside I'm crying. Outside I'm laughing, Inside I'm dying.
"Its goodbye to the shortcuts, hello to the grind, no one ever said it would be an easy ride" - Relentless
Last SH 18/02/12

Online Tucan

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 8996
  • Its a cup, not a toilet!
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2018, 05:29:02 PM »
Unfortunately it takes a lot patience and self compassion and self care to get over the types of trauma you have had. You do really well to work. It is good you have a pyschologist. I hope that they are really helping you to deal with things and move forward. It's just unfortunate that sometimes to go forward we need to go backwards. Talking about your trauma will make it raw and difficult. But in time it will slowly help you to come to terms with it all. Thank you for sharing.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Tigger

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 700
  • Tigger has lost the bounce
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 12:44:50 PM »
Thanks for listening Tucan. Today has been better I've been very productive. Ive been house and dog sitting but they come back tomorrow so been washing etc to move back to my own house. Died my hair bright pink today too i just needed to something just for fun and to make me smile.
Anxiety has been running my head for 2 days really strong physical feeling in a way its better than depression because it makes me busy. Think it helped to write all that down even though i didnt mean to i cant talk about it so telling people on here helps i guess.
Outside I'm smiling, Inside I'm crying. Outside I'm laughing, Inside I'm dying.
"Its goodbye to the shortcuts, hello to the grind, no one ever said it would be an easy ride" - Relentless
Last SH 18/02/12

Offline Tigger

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 700
  • Tigger has lost the bounce
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2018, 12:50:16 PM »
Mods i feel like the title needs more trig warnings how do i do that?
Outside I'm smiling, Inside I'm crying. Outside I'm laughing, Inside I'm dying.
"Its goodbye to the shortcuts, hello to the grind, no one ever said it would be an easy ride" - Relentless
Last SH 18/02/12

Online Tucan

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 8996
  • Its a cup, not a toilet!
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2018, 12:56:54 PM »
It feels good when you have had a productive day. Bless you. You are doing well. Happy you feel a little better.
now hand over the tea bags and we won't have any trouble.... :police:


'Sigh no more ladies sigh no more for men were deceivers ever'

Offline Rob

  • Administrator
  • Usually here
  • *****
  • Posts: 6304
  • Official NSHN geriatric
Re: Tired of fighting myself *trig sh*
« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2018, 01:07:28 PM »
Mods i feel like the title needs more trig warnings how do i do that?

I've added a *trig SA* for you.

You don't actually need one to warn anyone about colouring your hair bright pink.. :)
:icon_arrow: NHS Direct 111 :icon_arrow: Careline 0808 100 1210 :icon_arrow: Childline 0800 1111 :icon_arrow: Samaritans 08457 909090 - Text SAMs 07725909090 - Free SAMs 116 123 :icon_arrow: Basic First Aid