Urges *trig SH graphic*

[Lily Kym]

Hi, please move this if it's not in the right place? Don't want to offend ...

 :trig: :trig:

I've mentioned in the past year or so about having urges. Quite graphic urges to SH badly. Some due to my head telling me I have to but some that just come out of no where.

Today I went upstairs and wanted to do something that would destroy my eyeball. I can't (for obvious reasons) say what it is on here, but it actually shocked me.
Now i'm dying to go to the loo, but dont want to upstairs and see the thing I wanted to use.

I have big urges to break bones. Like my hand knocked something off the side yesterday, and I wanted to break it. I wanted to break my arm last night because I bruised it. I dont think that SH at it's current level is enough. Sounds weird I know.

What I would like to know is, does anyone else have these urges to do very dangerous things to themselves? When I dont listen to the voice and don't do what it says, I have to SH on a smaller scale else something bad will happen.

[Jacqui]

I can totally empathise with you on this one. Sometimes my mind used to just throw out random ideas and it felt like I needed to act on them. I think they were all based around anger and not knowing how to deal constructively with it. Sometimes it helped to just scream the feelings away into a pillow or have a fight with my bed but I know  sometimes its just not enough.
I don't know if it will help but I take a drug called clopixal and I have a small 200mg dose once a fortnight by injection and this has definitely made a difference. The dark angry thoughts seem to have eased up a lot since I have been taking it. Maybe you could talk to your doctor about it. Its an anti psychotic drug that is used in much higher doses to treat schizophrenia but a low dose seems to control destructive thoughts.

[Lily Kym]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I'll talk to GP about it when i'm able to see one.
I dont have a fixed GP. I have no MH support whatsoever but for the past few months i've felt a major crash coming. Previously on meds .. (bi polar  / severe depression) i was seeing a psych and counsellor. I see no one now.
I'm not really able to get meds as I'm undergoing fertility treatment. Hence why I'm too scared to go to a GP.

However there is a chance I'm going to damage myself beyond help in the near future so it''s a bit of a catch 22. Plus I dont know how to talk to get the help I want.

I needed to know that other people have this. Now I know they do -  thank you