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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Survivor Room => Topic started by: caspers smudj on October 05, 2012, 06:16:04 PM
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my book is written as 7 chapters, each with 4 sections - the past, the present by me, the present by my counsellor and how i hope to feel in the future.
i thought i would share a chapter with you all
CHAPTER FOUR
SELF HARM
The past
Didn’t start until about 2000 so not much
of a past to mention.
Complete self hatred. Need for mutilation
to make my ugly body uglier.
Not much idea why or how it began. Just
found it easier to scratch. Could never
use tools.
Tried needles once but didn’t like it.
Don’t like scratching but needles were
worse. Pain inside was sometimes so
numb that I needed to make myself feel
it. Causing myself pain was the option
I somehow took.
People said I was ugly. So I hated myself
more and self harm became my ‘friend’.
A way of coping and dealing with what
others think of me.
Taboo subject, but very real to me.
The present
I find it a very difficult area to talk about.
Often feeling that I let myself down. I
have talked about it in counselling,
but not very often. I feel sad and ashamed
that I do it. I don’t want to.
I do it where it can't be seen so I know it’s
not an ‘attention seeking’ thing.
I’m finding some support from a self
harm network on the internet.
That sometimes helps.
There’s not much other support in my day
to day life. If I tell someone, they just say
‘what do you do that for?’ or ‘stop it’.
They don’t know how hard it is.
Having the realisation of why I do it was
helpful - knowing it was because I
sometimes feel numb and need
to feel pain.
It does not make it any more ok for me
though. I still do not talk about it much in
my counselling. I often don’t
tell Leah I’ve done it. Not because I want
to keep it secret,
but just because I feel I’ve totally let
myself down.
I wish it would end. I need to not do it
anymore.
The present - by Leah
It took courage for you to share that
sometimes you self harm and together we
have worked with your feelings on this.
Thank you for your openness.
Through this I have seen a deep
wisdom forming as you shared your
realisations.
You have, through your own strength,
and personal process, developed strategies
and coping techniques towards self harm.
You have joined a support group and
researched self harm to deepen your
own understanding. I noticed through
your empathy towards others you have
helped them as fellow 'self-harmers’.
You care. I also care. I care for you in
this place and I am sad that you suffer
the pain of self harm. However, I sense
that you now have a stronger sense
of SELF CARE and through self care
strategies you manage to care for
yourself in this place by your
own ways of self management. I so
value you with this growth.
I hope that one day the self harm will be
in the past, but until it is I wish you the
continued wisdom and growth in self care
that has been truly amazing during our
journey together.
I cherish you today and will always
do so.
X
The future
One day self harm will be a thing of the
past. By then I will be a stronger person
that can cope with whatever life throws at
me! But for now, I will take it little step
by little step - ‘baby steps’, until the ‘one
day’ happens. I will continue to use the
NSHN (National Self-Harm Network), as
long as I need to. Cutting Back (a support
group for women who self harm), should
hopefully be up and running again next
year, so I will have support.
I want to look at myself as someone who
people like, not as ugly.
I don’t feel that now, but my aim is to
feel it one day.
I will always bear the scars of self-harm.
When I stop it will be a testimony to
coping with it and being stronger than I
was when I started it.
I would like to be able to help and
support others because of my experiences.
‘THERE IS A WAY AROUND
EVERY CORNER IF YOU
LOOK FOR IT!'
There
Is
Always
A
Corner
To be
Found
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just interested to know what people think of it if possible?
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Wow, :hug1:
That's fab x
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thank your rainbow
xx
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thats brill hun
:hug1: :hug2:
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fantastic hun. :hug2: :rose:
sure i'd responded to this last night? :confused:
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thank you guys
now would you buy it??
im looking into getting published
xxx
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I think the world of you hun, so i'm going to be honest with you. Yes i would buy it, but i dont think I could read it till i was a little stronger.
But i would want it on my bookshelf for when im better yes :hug1:
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i wouldnt want anyone to be triggered by it so that is areally good aim to have
got to get better so i can read mandys book
xxx
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exactly ;D